Hard To Find

Love, the in-love, sweep-you-off-your-feet, make-your-knees-buckle sort of love, is supposed to be hard to find. You know this. You know how the scenario is supposed to play out. Eyes meeting across a crowded room, and an immediate conviction in your heart that he's the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. The instant categorisation of that individual as a potential lover, the way you did with Michael and even with Grace, with the heady romance giving way to a comfortable routine.

When you already have that comfortable routine established, that's that. You're not supposed to fall in love with someone when there's already all that intimacy and friendship – it feels too easy, like cheating. You're waiting for that moment of initial attraction, when it all just clicks into place, the love-at-first-sight piece of the puzzle to happen.

If it's not difficult, you're not doing it right, you're not approaching it the right way. You're settling, taking the easy way out, tired and lonely and old and fooling yourself. Everything in life is worth working for. You know this, you've believed it all of your life. It couldn't be as simple as falling in love with a friend, with Jack, of all people, the man half the universe seems to think you're already in a relationship with, could it?

It's not written in the script you have of the movie of your life, this, the slow, gradual segue into loving someone in a more-than-friends way. There are no moonlit walks or romantic gestures, just everyday bantering and bickering and a heartbeat that quickens when you finally kiss him, properly, not for the sake of the cameras and a cause, but because you want to.

And you know that even if it's not the way it's not how you pictured it, it's real.

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