Disclaimer: The Chronicles of Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis Lte.
Author's Note: This fic is inspired by Theresa Green's LOTR guides. Concept and format used with permission.
You are now the proud owner of a PUDDLEGLUM! In order to obtain top performance from your Marsh-wiggle, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Narnian to his full potential.
Your PUDDLEGLUM should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see specially chosen list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of PUDDLEGLUM that you ordered, as there are two:
(a) Edition I PUDDLEGLUM (copyright Lewis, 1953)
(b) Edition II PUDDLEGLUM (copyright BBC 1986)
Manufacturers: Aslan, Inc.
Date of Manufacture:Narnian Year 2316
Editions I PUDDLEGLUM – Has a dwarf-sized torso and long arms and legs with webbed hands and feet
Edition II PUDDLEGLUM – Has a human-sized torso with human-sized arms and legs, and webbed hands and feet.
Your PUDDLEGLUM unit, regardless of the edition, will be shipped fully clad to you in a protective crate, shaped to resemble a wigwam. He will be wearing a normal tunic and breeches, complimented by a large straw hat. He will also have a sword, bow, and pipe. Also, if you wish, you may purchase a NON-TALKING HORSE model for him to ride, thereby enhancing his mobility.
Your PUDDLEGLUM unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of travel-stained. Do not expect to be able to change this. As one used to dwelling in the marshes, it is unlikely that he will be comfortable without a fine layer of silt. However, an occasional essence of eel change will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional. Note that this service should only be carried out by a licensed PUDDLEGLUM maintenance provider.
Your PUDDLEGLUM has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or Narnian. Giant-ese grunts are also acceptable under extreme circumstances (such as having just dropped the sewing machine on your big toe.). Performance should prove satisfactory.
Your PUDDLEGLUM unit can be utilized in several capacities about the house:
Your PUDDLEGLUM unit is an excellent cook, especially when it comes to the preparation of freshwater fish. His stuffed eel is particularly good, though he will doubtless tell you that you will have indigestion after eating it.
Your PUDDLEGLUM's knowledge of foreign countries will prove invaluable as you plan your holiday in Ettinsmoor, the marshes, or Narnia at large.
PUDDLEGLUM will gladly take your children on an outing to parts unknown. Don't worry if they don't return for a few weeks. They're likely off rescuing the heir of some minor principality.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your PUDDLEGLUM is compatible with most other models, except for four: the GREEN LADY model, the BLACK KNIGHT model, the GIANT model, and the MUDMAN model, unless the Mudman has been switched to "Underlander" mode.
Do not expose your PUDDLEGLUM to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, or ROUS's (Reptiles Of Unusual Size).
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Why does PUDDLEGLUM spend so much time outdoors?
A: Because that's where he's the most comfortable. C'mon, does he look like the indoor sort to you?
Q: I have a wall calendar featuring pictures of New Zealand, and every so often, PUDDLEGLUM stares longingly at it. Why?
A: PUDDLEGLUM thinks that he is looking at his homeland of Narnia. We recommend removing the calendar postehaste and canceling your subscription to "All New Zealand: All the Time." Unless you /want/ him to stowaway on a ship and be lost to you forever.
Problem: My Puddleglum seems despondent, and his skin is flaking.
Solution: You unit is most likely suffering from dehydration. We recommend misting him twice daily with swamp water.
Problem: PUDDLEGLUM always seems to overflow with predictions of doom. It's depressing.
Solution: If you're making that statement, you have no business owning a PUDDLEGLUM. While our company does not accept returns, we will be more than happy to connect you with a PUDDLEGLUM NEIGHBORHOOD SHELTER, which will gladly connect you with a happy new owner who can truly appreciate the wonderful character that is PUDDLEGLUM, you insensitive, shallow…er…well, moving on…
Problem: My PUDDLEGLUM has been muttering something about being a 'respectobiggle'. He also staggers a lot.
Solution: It is likely that PUDDLEGLUM has obtained access to an excess of some alcoholic beverage. The manufacturer does not recommend this, as it can cause PUDDLEGLUM to behave in a rather foolish manner, and may also have long term side-effects, such as making him less aware of impending giant attacks, which could result in permanent damage to your PUDDLEGLUM.
Problem: Every time I try to light a fire, PUDDLEGLUM steps on it. Not only can I not cuddle with my significant otherby the fireplace, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to make s'mores. Not to mention the rather nauseating smell of burnt Marsh-wiggle.
Solution: Your unit has been specially programmed to put out all fires, from the large sort begun by Mrs. McLeary's Cow to minor arguments. As this feature is an integral part of his programming, we recommend sending PUDDLEGLUM to his room/closet/wigwam during the time you intend to be using inflammables. If any such incidents do occur, make sure to bandage his feet after applying moisturizer.
Problem: My PUDDLEGLUM unit is dour and pallid enough, but he's wearing a funny hat and long black robe.
Solution: It appears you have accidentally been issued a JUDGE CLAUDE FROLLO model, of the sort featured in Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." We recommend returning him at once, as his reactions to fireplaces can be even more disturbing than PUDDLEGLUM's. We will, of course, be happy to issue you with the correct unit once the good JUDGE has been returned to our facility.
Problem: PUDDLEGLUM seems to feel the need to constantly re-introduce himself.
Solution: PUDDLEGLUM is only trying to be helpful, as he assumes you will have forgotten his name by now. If this becomes a real problem, we recommend stapling a badge with his name on in to the front of his shirt (Don't worry, he won't mind.). Unless he thinks you illiterate, that should correct the issue.
Problem: Every time we go out, PUDDLEGLUM eyes all the street signs and attempts to memorize them. By the time we get home, I'm listening to a litany of "McDonald's," "Uncle Howie's Pizza," "Vote Jones for Mayor," and "Clearance: everything must go!"
Solution: PUDDLEGLUM believes it is his mission to remember the signs. We recommend telling him that this is POLE's job, and then never introducing him to a POLE.
Problem: PUDDLEGLUM has gone into the basement and refuses to come out.
Solution: Your PUDDLEGLUM believes it is his solemn duty to rescue the lost prince of Narnia, who has been imprisoned underground. We recommend buying a PRINCE RILIAN and getting it over with. You may choose keep the RILIAN unit, or sell him later (Finding a buyer for a handsome prince will likely not be a problem.).
Problem: My neighbor keeps asking PUDDLEGLUM to give him scuba lessons.
Solution: Your neighbor is doubtless confused by PUDDLEGLUM's webbed feet and believes him to be a professional scuba instructor. While all of our PUDDLEGLUM units have been trained as lifeguards and certified in CPR, we have found that most scuba equipment is incompatible with our PUDDLEGLUM units, and recommend telling your neighbor that PUDDLEGLUM will be far to busy, as he has recently volunteered to lifeguard at the Y.
Problem: It started to drizzle a bit today. PUDDLEGLUM immediately began demolishing the living room furniture to build a liferaft!
Solution: PUDDLGLUM is merely expressing his concern for you and making certain that you will be safe in the event of a flood, which is almost a certainty, if lightning doesn't strike the house first and starvation doesn't set in. Just say thank you and sit on the floor while watching TV.
Problem: My neighbor has a pet python and sometimes I notice PUDDLEGLUM grimly looking across the street at their house. One the animal got loose and PUDDLEGLUM attempted to 'deal' with it before I could even call Animal Patrol. My neighbor was furious. What should I do?
Solution: Your PUDDLEGLUM has been preprogrammed to protect you from all forms of large reptiles. He'll even engage in alligator wrestling if you take him to the right venues. However, if this troubles you and you cannot convince your neighbor to sell her pet, we recommend moving at once.
(1) If you buy a PUDDLEGLUM, EUSTACE, JILL, RILIAN and ROUS, PUDDLEGLUM and the others will team up against the ROUS.
(2) If you buy a PUDDLEGLUM, EUSTACE, JILL, RILIAN, and GREEN LADY, the five will act out the entire story of "The Silver Chair." Of course, when it comes to the crucial battle, you may choose to interfere to prevent having to replace your GREEN LADY for each reenactment.
(3) Purchase the limited edition GIANTS OF ETTINSMOOR BOX SET to use in conjunction with PUDDLEGLUM, you can watch the giants try to hit PUDDLEGLUM with rocks. Don't worry, he'll be perfectly safe as long as they're aiming for him.
Note: If any consumers come up with more Amusing Situations, please call 1-800-Wet-Blanket. Our PUDDLEGLUM secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios.
Due to the mortal nature of PUDDLEGLUM, you will find that you have not been issued with a guarantee. However, if he is taken very well care of, and has had no contact with ROUS's, PUDDLEGLUM should live for some fifty plus years. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with LotR Elven units may find this rather disappointing; console yourself with the knowledge that PUDDLEGLUM units are much less expensive to maintain as they do not require personal stylists and top-of-the-line hygiene products, or really any care at all.