Hello all- I'm glad you're readint his last chapter. I really like this story, and it got quite deep in the last few chapters,s oemthing always fun to portray in Raven... I love you all, its so cool to have readers.. Don't forget completely about me, read some of my other stories. My one about Harry potter is very promising, I have a thick plot set up, and it has a similar voice to this one.

I always find it funny when readers guess the ending, and congrats Katie, you guessed it. I won't give it away, but yes, that's part of it.

I lurve you all, as my dear friends would say. Don't forget me, and don't be all afraid to contact me. Obvisouly, I am a computer junkie, so I'm on pretty often.

Well, here's the story you want so badly, hope you all enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, nor Raven. If I did, the new episodes would not be like they are now..>.>

Raven's eyes fluttered, the song ringing through her mind...

Raven, oh my Raven

Such a curse you have to bear...

To feel no sorrow, feel not pain

Nor joy, or anger or fear.

And as you fight your shadow

As you wage war in your mind

Remember your life is yours to control

As are the horrors in your mind.

Memories surged through, memories of a woman in white, pale robes floating about her body even as dark hair in shades almost its counterpart glimmered in eerie light. The soft, sad smile as she looked down upon Raven, as if seeing her own daughter was a horrible thing to do.


"Raven, please go back to your mentors..."

"But Mommy, I want to play!"

"Raven, not today. I am too tired."

The young girl's face creased with unhappiness, as two small dark balls began to spin around her head. "Please?"

"No Raven.."

Raven burst out into tears. The lights all over suddenly burst, black vines streaming from her body and attacking everything in sight, demolishing furniture, exploding walls- suddenly everything around her began to fall apart.

Two monks rushed in, one reaching out to touch her back with a free hand, to knock her out into unconsciousness.

The last sight Raven could see was her mother turning away, as if afraid of looking upon her daughter.


All she had known her entire life was blood. Deaths because of her, tears shed- all because of her. People died by her hands, Azarath was destroyed because of her.

Her mother shuddered every time she looked at her.

The red blast struck Raven full in the chest, searing pain overwhelming her as she shook furiously, tears streaming down her face, escaping closed eyes.

And as you fight your shadow

As you wage war in your mind

Remember your life is yours to control

As are the horrors in your mind.

Suddenly white light surged through her, causing her to open her eyes in the brilliance of them, blinded by their fury. Her eyes reflected the power and suddenly the crimson pain disappeared.

You fool! What are you doing?

Rose's voice hissed around Raven, and slowly, painfully, the blinded absence of design faded to colors and shapes.

A girl stood before her.

With her cloak a soft shade of cream, she knew instantly who the girl was.


The way she stood spoke of everything but that care that came with love. Her eyes glowed in a peachy shade, and with one hand she blocked the crimson red.

Raven looked to Rose- seeing anger and fury written all over her face. Yet in one moment, the faces shifted, and Raven could see many different colors.

The rose glowed threateningly on the ground.

I cannot ignore it. I didn't realize Raven was capable of such feeling..such passion as I am to represent... Her heart seems warmer than ever before. And you saw the image that appeared, you heard her mother's voice. Raven feels emotion.

The girl turned to Raven and reached out a hand, pulling her to her feet. Raven gasped as pain shot through her chest, and doubled over as it spread through her veins like fire. Suddenly there was another burst of red light as Rose tried to attack them, but this emotion held back the fire.

Raven, the only way you will survive this is to feel. Feel the emotions you harbor, and release them. You can only defy that which you accept. You can only truly hate what you understand.

Closing her eyes, Raven bit back the tears once more... "I can't.."

You already are...just let go Raven. Let go...

Raven began to sob harder, the tears choking her. She sank farther away from the battle and into a new image. She could see a dark empty pit, hands reaching up for her as if to snatch her away forever. Yet far below the hands, she could see a light.

Remember me, sweet Raven-

Hold me deeply in your heart...

And do not forget the angered hate

The sad, the joyful starts...

She shied away from the hands, fearing their icy touch, the way their bony fingers seemed to spell death. Yet the light grew and Raven closed her eyes.

Raven...think of Red...think of your mother...think of your friends..

Think of those you care about..

The words struck home, as Raven felt herself throw open her eyes once more, to dive into the pit of hands.

They snatched at her, ripped her clothing to shreds, yanked at her hair and pulled parts out. They clawed at her, slashing her skin, but she saw the light. Through the pain and fury, through the suffering, she saw the light.

The light began to drown her, so much that she felt her eyes glow with that white radiance once more.

Rose stood before her, and Love beside her. Standing, she closed her eyes. Her naked body bore the wounds of the hands, and her hair was chopped into jagged pieces.

There was a white glow around her.

"Is this how you are now?" Thundered Raven at Rose, speaking not to the red girl, but to those within her, those who had joined her in one being. "You stand against me?"

Don't you see? The emotion beside her asked them. Raven could see the passion burning in her soul, and now she could see perfectly where it came from. She suddenly understood why mothers would die for their children, why Raven would die for her friends. It was the emotion like Love, the way it was so strong it could fire her veins, and swell to a horrifying measure. In a lot of ways, love was stronger than all other emotions.

Raven can still feel. She can feel emotions and she does. She has not forgotten any of you...she is one of you.

The power around Raven grew. She could see it all, see herself as a Titan, one of the few times she smiled. See the time she sat next to Cyborg, grinning widely at him. The time she had collapsed into Beast Boy's arms when the harsh words of a dragon lingered in her mind. The time she had meditated with Starfire, their voices melting together like a perfect harmony. The time she had stood staring at Robin, looking straight through his mask and seeing into the mind she had once traveled.

The time she had been held in Red's embrace, melting in his sweet kiss.

Sorrow was the first to strike, such horrible pity and sorrow towards herself, towards her actions. Towards the losses in her life. Towards her mother. Sweeping, frosting the icy barrier she had created, as if in an attempt to rekindle it, to once again block Raven's heart form the pain that could so easily break it.

But that warm glow, reassuring in her chest held the ice at bay, held it from coating her heart once more. The sorrow pierced her like needles, the tears matching flooding her cheeks, but she did not close herself once more.

Each emotion raged upon her, testing her, hurling every bit of their feeling they could. Each time Raven fought at first but slowly sank into acceptance. Each time they joined her and each time Rose screamed her defiance, shrieked her rage at losing power. Before long, nearly every emotion stood beside Raven, blocking the attacks so that Raven could recover from the pain they had dealt.

And as you fight your shadow

As you wage war in your mind

Remember your life is yours to control

As are the horrors in your mind.

Raven slowly stood, feeling the presences of the other emotions around her. Slowly she straightened and stared at Rose for a long time.

"Let go of your hold on me, Rose."

Let go? How? I am you, Raven! I am you! Rose and Raven are one! Why did you choose the name Rose? Roses are never purple or blue. They are red, the color of your hate, the color of you! Embrace it, Raven! You are hate! Rage and hatred flow through your blood as much as they flow through mine.

"You're words mean nothing."

Nothing, you dare say to me? You cannot forget why you are where you are! You cannot forget that it was I who made Red love you! It was I who gave you the power you always wanted! Me!

Remember your life is yours to control

As are the horrors in your mind.

Raven closed her icy blue eyes, turning her gaze to her counterpart. Softly, words slipped out, and the last of her icy exterior melted, revealing her true soul. The flame that burned began to glow as she spoke, engulfing her, causing the rose to glow with such a fierce radiance in the same shade, as if supporting her.

"No," Raven replied softly. "It was the power you always wanted."

Rose screamed and lunged forward, as if in one last attempt to destroy Raven. Holding out both hands, she struck Rose full in the chest with those beams of white, striking crimson bolts firmly and destroying them within moments. Raven had learned once what it was to be whole, how to defeat the hatred she must use her whole body.

Rose fell to the ground, a simple red cloak, empty of a body. But slowly, it faded away, as if disappearing into the night and into the shadows.

The other emotions slowly faded away as well, and Raven was left alone, standing on the barren wasteland.

Suddenly the icy barrier began to create itself once more, trapping the flame as if desperate to protect it, as if upon revealing ti she was even more protective.

Yet before all the emotion was trapped within her, she felt her heart burst. Falling to the ground, she began to cry, tears streaking down her face as she cried silently, unmoving, tears that would never reach the real world.

I'll close my eyes

To fight away the sight

I'll pray to God

For strength this lonely night

But who do I pray to?

Who do I call?

Not the force far above me,

But the force I just saw

Close my eyes

Let stream the tears

I've held them in far too long

Too many months and years

I see it now,

I see what you see

The monster I so feared,

Was no one but me

I can fight away the laughter

I can scream away the pain

But I know inside my heart

Things will never be the same..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Red stared into the mirror, seeing her image fade away as if suddenly clouded by mist. The song wound around him, hearing a beautiful voice singing it, as if Hope herself had sprung upon them, singing for them the song of hopelessness. But why? Why would such a creature bring the wonderful feeling- Raven was alive! She fought! And yet, in that same moment the hope was wrenched away, to be replaced by despair, as he saw the girl fall.

He could see her eyes. He could see the despair and the hopelessness in their deep icy orbs.

Then she faded away.

Red bowed his head, his breaths coming out silent, as if he willed himself not to breathe. How could Raven survive that?

She could...he reminded himself. She was so powerful.

But so was what she was fighting.

Red couldn't hear what Rose and Raven was saying. He could see them fight, he could see Raven shout defiance and see Rose answer, but the words were eerily silent.

Reach out to me, my dear

Grab onto me in you can,

I'm dying for love, my dear-

I'm running as fast as I can.

Slowly, the fog faded. Red lifted his eyes and stared at the mirror, feeling a pull towards the reflection, seeing behind it a moving image. A pale figure...surrounding by shadow, and..ice?

Starfire let out a soft gasp, Robin and the other boys swiftly looked up at the image.

As if nearing, walking on nothing but air, Raven entered. Though the mirror never widened, and it seemed that Raven never shrank, she came through the mirror slowly, walking, not floating, as if the walk was her last.

Her eyes were downcast, he could see the streaks from her tears. The shadows darting around her naked body were echoed by streaks of light. And slowly, they twisted and combined, to create a soft cloak, seemingly made of out light and shadow themselves, melting over her body to create the leotard she always wore. Red light gleamed to create the jewels upon her hand, and another touched her forehead. The scratches and horrible rips she bore were slowly dissolved, replaced by milky smooth skin, partially hidden in shadow, partially glowing in light.

It seemed as if the very light from her eyes gleamed, the deep blue shade, glowing until forming a deep radiance of blue, forming a cloak and resting over her shoulders, warmth when she needed it most.

Slowly, Raven lifted her eyes to them, looking at them for a long time. The icy cold stare was empty, void of all emotion, even more than usual. But the thing hanging around Raven's neck was what truly astonished him, more than anything.

Around her neck was a violet rose.


Red didn't know who said it, but he stepped towards her the quickest. He embraced her and felt her head drop on to his shoulder. "Raven, I'm so glad you're safe.."

Raven did not cry. She had been empty of tears for the longest time, and her voice held no emotion still, the same dry tone. "I know...I didn't think I would be, but I am now.."

Red moved away from her, staring at her in mild astonishment. "Raven, what happened?"

Raven didn't look at him, but instead turned her gaze towards the Titans They stood there, gazing at her with a mix of pity and concern, hope and fear. It was a mix Raven usually hated. But nothing, no emotion could make her feel right now. Nothing.

"Raven..." Red murmured to her. "If you want to go with them, I won't stop you.."

Raven looked up at him, gazing at him for such a long time. It hurt Red, to look at such deep eyes as they were so empty. It frightened him, and it hurt him.

"Red, I swore to you Rose would never leave your side."

Red shook his head. "You're not Rose, you're Raven. I should have seen it-"

Raven cut him off. "No." With a deep breath she continued.

"Rose is me. I didn't understand that before now. She is the part of me you fell in love with, but she is me. We are one, just as every other emotion is a part of me." She blinked slowly, the eyes still empty. "Rose taught me that I can't always hide behind my walls. Something will always get by them, and it will hurt more then than if I never had the walls to begin with."

She blinked again, and when she opened them Red could see slight depth returning to her eyes. "I...I don't know when I can feel again, Red. I felt safe behind my walls, and now.." She shook her head, looking at the Titans once more. "They understand me. They know me for the part of me that is seen most often. You have seen the darkest depths of me..I don't want to be judged by only that.."

Red nodded, taking one gloved hand and lifting her chin to look at her. "I have always loved you, Raven. I always will."

Raven's face tightened and she reached up a trembling arm to snap the necklace from her neck. She held it out to him, hand still shaking. "Rose will never leave you."

His hand touched hers as he took it. Oh how she longed to look into his brown eyes, not the dark holes his mask created. Yet she stepped away, pulling her hands into the depth of her cloak. She couldn't be so close to him again, it would only make leaving so much harder..

Red looked at her and spoke so softly, so that the Titans couldn't hear. "I don't understand Raven.."

Raven looked away. "I don't either...I don't think I ever will."

Slowly, she turned her back on him, and to the Titans, to her old home, and to the old memories that came with it.

- - - - - - -

I swore to myself I would never come to this. How often I mocked Starfire when she spoke of a diary, telling her how foolish she was. Foolish indeed- to empty one's heart and soul to empty pages, only to be filled with one's most private and intricate thoughts. Feeble thoughts, useless pieces of information that at the time seem so important, yet in the grand scale of things mean nothing.

How foolish to spill one's darkest secrets onto pages that could easily be read by a person of any nature. And thus, the thoughts that were meant to be private, else they would be heard by all, are lingering in the mind of at least one other beside the origin.

To give other that ability- to know the darkest parts of me easily- I dread it so much. 'There are places in my mind no one should ever go,' I once told Robin. And now I find I am not even safe from those words.

The only lingering comfort that I can give myself is a small spell, that if the book is opened by any other but myself, the words will be but blurs of shapes and symbols, unreadable.

But there will always be someone else stronger than I, someone to destroy the spell. Someone to open the book at just the right moment, someone to have this book when the spell fades away. That someone may read these pages and know my darkest self, perhaps more than I understand it now.

I dare not even address the page. Partially because I refuse to believe myself that this is a diary. But if someone stumbles upon this small black book, and opens it to see simply my small sharp slanted writing, curved in delicate words, they may not read, having no idea what it is. I would date the entry, but I know not the date.

The days and nights have blurred together, reality and dream becoming one. It has been weeks since the incident, that I know, and though each Titan quickly offered an ear for me to speak to, I remain in my room, trapped in silence I created and think.

The thoughts aren't always pleasant. They are memories, like I am forced to relive the moment constantly so that I may never let go of the feelings. But it is too late. The ice has come again...

How can I express what happened? The icy barrier returned, and I am afraid to melt it once more. It is all that protects the flame of my mind, and if I melt the wall, then will I simply open myself for more pain? They say I must feel in order to be, but if my feelings cause others to not exist, what is the point?

The scars are invisible, far within me. The hurt me every day and night, sometimes so badly I can do nothing else but lie on my bed and stare up into the ceiling. Yet even as it burns, it is a reassuring pain, reminding me of reality, and of what I went through. Just as I clung to the fearful image of Rose, I cling to this pain. For like the image, it keeps a barrier between reality and dream, between nightmare and life.

The Titans fear me. Robin the most, for he saw the flame I cherish, burning in ways I never imagined. Yet he forgave me so quickly...

They all have, within days of my return. I can tell I have not yet earned their complete trust, but they are willing to try so hard.

I can feel the hatred, burning in my veins against them, though now it is muffled. I realize that the hatred isn't truly mine, though it may belong to a part of me. I love them, and as long as I don't hate them as much as I did in that single moment when I left, I can keep control.

None of them know what truly happened. Starfire may understand my true feelings about Red, and the way she acts around me supports that idea. But they don't know what happened in my mind. They don't know how close to death I was and how willing I was to give up life.

I remember Rose standing above me. I was ready to die, ready to surrender to her completely. I could feel myself give up, feel hopelessness overwhelm me.

Seems even in my own mind I cannot control what I think. For an image flashed through, like a movie in front of my eyes, filled with memorable touches, voices, feelings...

I saw the Titans.

Of all people for me to see, I'd think it would be my mother, or Red. But I saw those faces, all reflecting the same happiness the memory reminded me of. I didn't see the mistrust I see now. I saw complete security and care for me.

I left the Titans because they saw me as glass. And now I realize something, I was glass. I always have been. My heart, body, and mind are as fragile as that and that alone. I was broken, yet I had never been whole to begin with. I was shattered the moment I was born and I have never healed. Saying a part of me is missing would be a full lie, as I know very well where each piece lay. They are all on the ground, laying all around me as I sit, trying to refit the pieces together in the whole design they should create. But there are some pieces I am afraid to touch because of how sharp they are.

I chose the Titans.

Yet I can honestly say I have never loved one person as much as I loved Red. But I had loved the Titans as a whole just as much.

No, the ley reason I chose them was because of Rose. I lost control to Rose so easily when I was with Red. I didn't care, and that scares me. I was willing to give it all away for a kiss, a dance, a thrill. Sp easy it was, for my walls of ice to collapse in love.

I can control myself when I'm with the Titans. I don't have to fear the monster within me.

Yet how can I forget either side?

Red's bright golden brown eyes.

The simple smile from Cyborg as he rests his mechanical hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

The claps in delight the alien Starfire emits when she learns something new.

The look of astonishment when I neatly demolish one of Beast Boy's corny jokes.

Robin's arms around me, protecting me from the world.

What am I to do?

I love Red, so much of a passion it hurts. You can imagine my feelings when I went on my first fight, only to see it was Red.

No, not Red. Red X. I must learn to call him that, even though in my heart he will always be my Red.

Stealing from a bank, what a surprise. There he was, black cloak billowing, skull mask facing me directly. At his neck, hanging over the ebon sheen of his uniform, hiding the sweet smile and laughing brown eyes from the world; around his neck hung my rose.

Upon seeing me his hand instinctively reached up to touch the rose. The Titans watched in apprehension as I stared at him.

The moment of truth. I could turn my back on the Titans and return to him.

Instead I raised a hand and lowered the hood that hid me from the world, committing an action the Titans hadn't seen since I had returned.

The wind brushed my cheek so gently- I remember it reminding me of his kiss. So gentle, so pure.

Red, my Red, stared at me. I could feel his sorrow, his regret, his mourning. His voice, disguised by the changer, rough, uncaring, spoke a word lingering in my mind even now.


And I replied, my own voice masked by lack of emotion.


Not Red X. Red. My Red.

"Raven, shall we dance?"

The words held so many meanings and I inclined my head, knowing what meaning we both saw. The rose hung neatly at his neck, no long stilled by his touch.

He lunged, I lunged. We fought fiercely. I was blinded by tears as I fought, love rekindling the passionate flame to melt the ice only slightly. The slight was enough for emotion to flood through, and I found myself fighting harder.

He fought as hard as I. The mourning- how it hurt us both. He trembled when, upon transporting behind me, he grabbed my arms. I froze, the soft touch of his cloak brushing my legs catching my off guard, even as I heard his harsh breath behind me. It took a firm kick from beast Boy to free me.

At last he fled, leaving behind the bag of money. Standing on a building, he stared at me again, his figure silhouetted against the sky. He touched the rose once more, and disappeared.

I am a monster, an uncontrollable force. Each time I see him I become closer to the creature. I must distance myself from him, yet in the dark of night ad sleep my nightmares make me cling to the memories of his love.

I dream of the Titans and Red. Of my father. Of my mother.

But mostly of Rose. Of losing to her and slowly demolishing everyone I care for.

Across from me lays my mirror. I was going to shatter it when I got home, but I found myself unable to. It is a part of me I must learn to understand, despite how I loathe it so. If I do destroy it, what then? How would it help my inner self? Not at all.

I'm waiting for the alarm to go off. I'll stand up and leave the room without looking in my reflection like I used too, as currently a black sheet hides the mirror from view. Like a ghost, I will drift down the halls silently, my dark hood hiding my face from all eyes. I will fight, dully but calmly, not allowing myself to feel the passion of anger anymore. I fight only to keep control.

The glass pieces are sharp, but after the wounds I felt before, I'm a little braver. I'm not so afraid to pick up a piece and attach it to the rest, though I know finding the way it fits in will be difficult. Slowly, I am learning to heal not only my body, but my soul, and my glass heart.

How ironic, and how appropriate, that upon the cover of this book is the image of a thorned rose.

Nemur ki-asleh tun rikana leh.

The thing we hate the most is what hides in our reflections.