Summary: When Mom's sister is in town, Calvin and Hobbes are charged with the task of babysitting Calvin's cousin, Dana. But, of course, things are a lot more complicated than they thought.

And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by garfieldodie and Swing123

Two Loons and a Kid

Calvin and Hobbes were sitting in the bedroom reading comic books.

Not much was happening.

It was Friday afternoon, and school had only let out an hour ago.

They were enjoying their new comic books.

Just then, they heard a loud noise coming from downstairs.


Calvin and Hobbes shot up into the air and crashed onto their bed.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Calvin shrieked.

"It sounded like a kid crying!" said Hobbes.

They stared at each other.

Then they started to scream in terror.


They exploded downstairs and burst into the living room.

Mom and Dad were standing at a baby carriage, cooing at a baby girl.

"Oh no!" Calvin screamed.

"What?" asked Mom.

"You brought home a kid! Why'd you do it! I'm your kid! What do ya need that thing for?"

"Calvin, this isn't ours," said Mom. "This is your cousin, Dana. Remember her? You saw her eleven months ago when she was born."

Calvin stared.

"Oh," he said. "I remember. Why was Aunt Janice screaming the whole time?"

"It's a long story that you'll hear when you're older," said Dad.

"It's always when I'm older," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

Hobbes sighed and went back upstairs.

"Well, why's Dana here?" Calvin went on. "Aunt Janice not want her anymore?"

"No, we're babysitting while she's in town. She's at a bunch of conferences today," said Dad. "However, I've got to get to the office meeting. I'll see you all later."

And Dad left.

Mom cooed some more at Dana.

"So soft. So sweet. And she has that baby smell too," she said.

Calvin stared at Dana, then sniffed.

"Yep. Sour milk."

Mom cuddled the child some more. "I wonder if we could have another child," she sighed.

"Let me help you with that: don't!" Calvin exclaimed.

Mom held Dana closer to Calvin.

"Here. Smell her."

Calvin stared at her.

What is it with women and babies?

"Mom, it's a baby. Not the interior of a new car," said Calvin.

"Come on! Smell!"

Mom held Dana closer, and Calvin jumped onto the stairs.

"Mom, don't do this!" he said warily. "That thing is a trap! It can sell anything, but you gotta remember that these things grow up! It gets high marks on the IQ test but gets Ds in school! It takes your car without a license, drives around town and gets lost, and when it comes home it asks what it did wrong!"

Mom sighed and took the child away.

Calvin went upstairs.

"It's false advertising, Mom!" he shouted. "Don't fall for it!"

When Calvin returned to the hall, he saw Hobbes talking on the phone.

"Okay, spread the word," he said, and he hung up.

"Who was that?" asked Calvin.

"Socrates. I told him to call Andy and Sherman, and they'll come over this afternoon to help with our Extreme Water Balloon blasts."

Calvin grinned deviously.

"Perfect!" he said. "With Socrates deviousness, Sherman's genius and Andy's charm, Susie won't know what hit her!"


A little later, Calvin and Hobbes were still waiting for their friends to arrive.

They were just finishing up their comic books when in crawled Dana.

Just as they were putting the books in the dresser, Dana yanked at the bed sheets.

Calvin and Hobbes fell to the ground.



Hobbes looked up and saw Dana staring at him.

"Well, hello, strange baby," he said.

Dana squealed and squeezed Hobbes' head.

"Yes, that's my head. Please let go of it," Hobbes said.

Dana pulled on Hobbes and started to drag him around the room.

Calvin watched with amusement.

"Never knew you were so good with babies, Hobbes," he grinned.

Hobbes scowled at him.

"Please get your cousin off of me!" he demanded.

Just then Mom entered.

She saw Dana dragging a stuffed tiger across the floor.

"Aww, how cute," she said. "Calvin, I'm going to the store for a couple of hours, so I need you to take care of Dana. She doesn't need much. Just feed her, and then I should be back before you should have to change her diaper."

"But Mom, our friends are coming over! We have plans to make for tomorrow," Calvin complained.

"Well, I'm sure your friends will help."

"I'm not sure if Dana will survive with Socrates." Calvin said, crossing his arms.

"Look, it's just for two hours. Tops. I'll be right back. Be good."

And with that, Mom left.

Calvin and Hobbes stared as she drove away.

They glanced at each other.

They stared at Dana.

Dana stared back.

"Hmmm," said Calvin.

"What do we do now?" asked Hobbes.

"Well, let's try feeding her," Calvin suggested.

Hobbes picked up Dana.

"Burp!" said Dana.

Hobbes stared uneasily.

"That was a preview, wasn't it?" he said.

Calvin got a rag out of the bathroom and slung it over Hobbes' shoulder to be a dribble guard.

"Okay," he said. "You should be safe."

"You don't understand. Throw up never fully comes out of fur," Hobbes said. "I'll smell bad for weeks!"

Calvin and Hobbes carried Dana downstairs.

They set up the highchair and put Dana into it.

It was at that moment that there was a knock at the door.

Calvin answered.

Three figures stood at the door.

"Hey, Socrates. Get in here," said Calvin.

"Hi-ho, Cal," said Socrates, and he entered.

Next came in an eight-year-old boy with messy brown hair, blue jeans with a chain, and a red jersey with the number 19 on it.

On his shoulder sat a hamster that had light brown fur on his body, and had a white furry stomach.

"Andy, glad you could come," Calvin said, giving Andy a high five. "Sherman…hi."

"Hey, Calvin," said Andy.

"Hello, rogue," snorted Sherman.

Yes, Sherman can talk.

He's a genius too.

Don't ask.

Andy and Sherman joined Socrates and Hobbes in the kitchen.

They spotted Dana.

"Hey, Hobbes? Who's the kid?" asked Andy.

"This is Dana, Calvin's cousin," said Hobbes. "We're babysitting."

"Huh," said Socrates, who was examining the child. "Cute kid."

Dana smacked him.

Socrates rubbed his nose.

"Reeeeaaaaalllll cute," he growled.

Calvin entered and dug through the baby bag.

"You know what I just realized, Hobbes?" he asked. "This is a lot like when Rosalyn comes to baby-sit us."

Hobbes paused for a second.

"Hmmm. Never thought of it that way," he said. "Does this mean we're going to sprout fangs and say 'blah' a lot?"

Calvin stared.

"No way!" he said. "This kid is family! Besides, we could be the first babysitters in history to be nice to their kid!"

Hobbes grinned.

"I'm all up for that!" he said.

Calvin turned to Socrates, Andy and Sherman.

"Well, guys? Up for some babysitting?"

They stared at him.

"He's kidding, right?" asked Sherman.

Calvin sighed.

"Please?" he asked.

Calvin and Hobbes made bambi eyes as big as they could.

Andy, Sherman and Socrates stared at them.

"Must…fight…," said Socrates.

"Mustn't…be…affected…by…bambi…eyes," said Andy.

Sherman was unaffected.

"If your eyes get any bigger, you're going to need your own Disney movies," he said.

But Andy and Socrates caved.

"Fine, we'll help baby-sit," said Andy.

"But if she pops, I'm not cleaning it up," said Socrates.

For the next fifteen minutes, Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and Andy tried hard to feed this kid.

They were covered in baby food remnants.

Sherman was nearby, watching with interest.

Dana had flung fifty different kinds of food.

Socrates attempted to feed Dana some brown stuff.

"Okay, here we go," he said.

They all stared at her.

Then there was a moment.


"Ew!" shrieked Calvin. "Some is coming out of her nose again!"

Andy got out a washcloth and began to clean the spot.

"Man! It's like she's got wetness coming out of every hole in her body!" he gasped.

Calvin took the fifty-first can of baby food and attempted to feed her.

"Dumb wet baby," Hobbes muttered.

Calvin fed Dana the food.

The four jumped back.

There was a pause.

Dana smiled slightly.

"Hey!" cheered Hobbes. "She likes it!"


Gloop flew all over Andy.

"Apparently not," he said, cleaning himself off.

Socrates lost his temper, so he took a swig from jug of orange juice, and then he spit it all over Dana.


"Yeah!" shouted Socrates. "Suddenly it's not so funny when I do it, now is it?"

Hobbes smacked him.

"Socrates, you moron! It's a baby! She doesn't know any better!"

Socrates regained himself.

"Sorry, sorry. I don't know what came over me!"

Sherman chuckled and crawled over towards them.

"You know, did it ever occur to you that she's not hungry?" he squeaked.

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Socrates stared at the little hamster.

"Why didn't you say that earlier?" asked Calvin quietly.

"Nobody asked me," Sherman replied.

Hobbes glared at him.

"Andy, may I have permission to dunk this can of baby food all over you hamster?"

"Go ahead," said Andy, handing him the baby food.

Hobbes dumped a green and brown substance all over Sherman.

"AIEEE!" he screamed.

"Easy, Shermie," said Andy. "It's baby food. Not toxic waste."

"How do you know?" asked Calvin.

Dana giggled.

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy, Socrates and Sherman glared at her.

"Oh, shut up," Calvin muttered.

After they'd cleaned off, they put Dana in her playpen, and went upstairs.

"Okay," said Calvin. "We can now commence planning for the extreme water balloon blast."

"Well, where do we plan to set it up?" asked Andy.

"If I may make a suggestion," said Hobbes. "Let's not put it in the tree house. It'd be too suspicious."

"Excellent point," said Calvin. "Sherman, make a note of that."

Sherman typed everything down into a tiny computer that was hooked up to a regular-sized printer.

"Okay," said Socrates. "How do we get the Derkins broad under the water balloons?"

"Andy can lure her over," said Calvin. "She trusts him."

Andy grinned.

"Yeah, the ladies can't resist the ol' Andrew charm," he said.

Calvin stared at him.

"See, that kind of behavior is why you can't be in GROSS. Now let's head downstairs real quick."

Dana was playing with a toy, as most babies do.

She rolled a ball across the playpen.

She crawled after it.

She pushed against the side of the pen, and it the whole thing tipped over.

Dana tumbled out.

The ball did too, and it bounced at the door.

Why wasn't the door shut?

Well, Sherman was the last one to enter, but he was unable to shut the door.

Oh dear.

Dana crawled out the door after the ball.

Back upstairs, Calvin and the gang were still writing, but then they heard car horns sounding.

Calvin and Hobbes glanced at each other.

They looked at the window.

They did a double-take.

"DANA!" screamed Calvin.

Socrates, Andy and Sherman stared out the window.

Dana was crawling thought traffic following the ball.

"Say, Calvin?" asked Socrates. "Isn't that your cousin crawling around in traffic?"

Everyone glared at him.

"I guessed right," he muttered.

Calvin jumped down.

"What're we gonna do!" Calvin shrieked. "If anything happens to Dana, not only will Mom and Dad kill us, we'll be worse than Rosalyn!"

Hobbes was horrified.

No kidding! He actually cared!

"We've got to do something!" Hobbes cried.

"What'll we do?"

"Notify her next of kin," said Sherman.

Andy took a cup and placed it over Sherman, blocking him out.

"Hobbes, we have to save my cousin!" said Calvin. "It's either that, or no comics and tuna for a millennium!"

"I'm with ya, buddy!" said Hobbes, jumping off the bed. "What'll we do?"

"Andy, hand me the MTM!"

Andy tossed Calvin the red CD player.

"Okay, we'll use this thing to track down Dana."

"Uh-huh," said Hobbes.

Calvin pressed a button on the MTM.

A holographic message came out.

I'm sorry, did you want something?

Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and Andy stared at the message.

Sherman would've, but he was still under the cup.

Calvin typed a message back in.

Yeah, we did. My cousin Dana is missing. Please help us find her.

The MTM replied.

Very well, I'll get right on it. But I want some new batteries in return.

Calvin glared at the MTM.

Fine. Just get started.

The MTM beeped.

Specified person located.

A digital map zoomed in on the town just outside of the house.

A red dot appeared, and it was slowly moving.

"Huh," said Andy, staring at it. "She's heading for the Brown's General Store down the street."

"Okay," said Calvin. "Socrates, Andy and Sherman, you three stay here and cover for us in case Mom or Dad come home."

"You got it," agreed Socrates.

"Deal," agreed Andy.

"Wait, I never agreed to anything!" shouted Sherman, who was finally climbing out from under his cup.

Socrates shoved him back under.

"Come on, Hobbes," said Calvin. "We've gotta save my cousin!"

"Right behind ya!" said Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes closed up the MTM and ran outside.

Calvin ran into the garage and pulled out the wagon.

Hobbes' eyes crossed.


"Huh boy," he sighed.

"Look, Hobbes. While we're at the general store, we'll get some gummy worms."

"LET'S GET THE LEAD OUT!" shouted Hobbes, jamming Calvin and the MTM into the wagon.

Then Hobbes combined his vanishing act with pushing the wagon, and in an instant, Calvin and Hobbes tore down the sidewalk.

Hobbes opened the MTM.

The red dot continued to move.

"Onward!" he shouted.

Socrates watched Calvin and Hobbes leaving in the wagon.

When he was out of sight, he spun around to Andy and yelled, "Well, we have the whole house to ourselves! Who's up for some TV?"

"I'm in." Andy said.

And with that, they walked into the livingroom.

There was a moment of silence.

"Nobody's coming to get me out, are they?" Sherman asked from under the cup.

Dana went crawling past a yellow fence, she peeked inside, then crawled through it in a hole in the fence.

She crawled into a yard, and then out the yard gate.

Seconds later, Calvin and Hobbes came riding up in the wagon.

Calvin consulted the MTM.

"SHE'S IN THE YARD!" Calvin yelled.

"Hurry!" Hobbes yelled.

Calvin and Hobbes jumped out of the wagon, and dove through the hole in fence and into the yard.

"Where is she?" Calvin asked.

Hobbes' eyes fell on top of a baby sitting in a sandbox with his back to him.

"There he is!" Hobbes yelled.

"BABY!" Calvin screamed, zooming towards the baby.

He picked the baby out of the sandbox, and turned him around.

It wasn't Dana.

Calvin's first hint was that it was a boy.

His second hint was that a woman burst out the door, and screamed, "GET AWAY FROM MY TOMMY!"

Calvin stared at Tommy.

"Wrong baby." He said.

He set the baby down, and spun around.

Hobbes had disappeared.


Calvin suddenly became aware of a broom coming down on top of his head.


"HEY!" Calvin screamed, covering his head, and rushing off.



Finally, Calvin made his way out the fence, and there, in the wagon, he found Hobbes. Staring at him with that blank stare on his face.

Calvin glared at him and rubbed the bumps on his head.

"When you're lucky, you don't need to be smart." He grumbled to himself, climbing into the wagon after Hobbes.

Meanwhile, Dana was continuing to walk around the town, chasing her ball.

It rolled across the street, and into Brown's General Store.

She crawled into it seconds before Calvin and Hobbes rode up in the wagon.

"She's in the store!" Calvin screamed, jabbing a finger at Brown's General Store.

"Oh boy!" Hobbes said, clapping his hands. "I can't wait to get the gummy worms!"

Dana's ball rolled down the emergency escape stairs, and out the emergency exit.

Dana followed.

Calvin and Hobbes exploded into the store, and Calvin screamed, "ALERT! ALERT! ALARM! ALARM! EXTREME CALAMITY! HAND OVER THE BABY AND NO ONE GETS HURT!"

Everyone stared at Calvin, as Hobbes started piling gummy worms in his arms.

Then they turned and went back to their shopping.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"So that's how it's gonna be, huh?" He growled. "5...4...3...2...1... LAUNCH! BANZAI!"

He did some kind karate screech, and leaped right into the middle of the comic book stand.

It was immediately knocked over, and Calvin went flying into the hotdog stand in the corner.

The hotdog guy screamed, and rushed away and Calvin slammed into the cart, and rode it into the check out stand.


Calvin flew off the hot dog stand, and collided with the manager.



The manager and Calvin both went flying backward into the wall.


"Darn." Hobbes sighed. "I guess I wont have time to pay for the gummy worms before we're kicked out."


Calvin and Hobbes were kicked out of Brown's General Store.

"Drat." Calvin said.

"Well, she wasn't in there." Hobbes said, standing up, and brushing himself off.

"I've noticed."

"Time to check the MTM?"

"Time to check the MTM."

Calvin pulled the MTM out, and pulled out the holographic map.

The red dot marked DANA was moving again.

They stared at it.

The red dot was now passing through a strange formation.

"What's that?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin gulped.

"The zoo," he said.

Hobbes scowled.

"You mean jail," he growled.

"Oh, dry up. This is strictly a rescue mission. Won't take more than fifteen minutes."

"You promise?"

Calvin thought.

"Kind of."

Hobbes glared at him.

Dana had slipped past the gate already and was still following that ball.

Boy, she loves that thing, doesn't she?

And how was it that thing kept rolling?

It wasn't easy, I'm sure.

Anyway, Calvin and Hobbes rode up to the security desk.

"How do we get past?" asked Hobbes. "We don't have enough money!"

"Time to use the MTM," said Calvin.

They pulled out the MTM and Calvin hit a button.

Instantly, Calvin, Hobbes and the wagon turned invisible.

They quietly snuck past and then carried on until they were behind a bush, and they came out again, now visible.

"Cloaking device?" asked Hobbes.



Calvin and Hobbes looked around.

Calvin checked the map on the MTM.

The red dot was moving still.

"Okay, she's about one hundred and fifty feet away from us. Not much further now."

"Where is she?"

Calvin looked up and saw a sign that read JUNGLE LAND.

Calvin and Hobbes looked inside a dense yet fake jungle.

It looked pretty real though.

"Just promise me you won't slip into fantasy world while we're in there," said Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes entered.

First they went over a bridge made of logs.

Next they came to a wooden path that was raised above the grass and plants.

Monkeys sat in the trees. Snakes were drooped over branches.

Tigers roamed on the hills nearby the fence.

Hobbes glared at Calvin.

"Hey, if it were up to me, they'd be running free right now," Calvin said.

Next they came to where the road ended, and there was a bunch of wooden rafts held behind a chain.

A sign was up that said CLOSED FOR REPAIRS.

"So where's Dana now?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin pulled out the MTM again.

According to it, Dana was…

Calvin looked at the river.

Drifting on a loose log raft was…

"DANA!" he screamed.

Quickly, Calvin and Hobbes loaded the wagon onto one of the log rafts, and then Calvin pulled a pair of oars.

They shot after Dana.

But Dana and her ball were caught in a current.

It was a strong current.

And it soon caught Calvin and Hobbes too.


As they passed some hippos, they found themselves drifting towards a fork in the river.

And one direction had a sign that read RAPIDS.

Dana waved at Calvin and Hobbes, and then disappeared down the waterfall.

Calvin and Hobbes watched her.

Then they screamed.


They paddled after her.

When they got there, they found the water fall wasn't all that steep.

They went down about a foot, and then swerved to the side.

They then zigzagged down a couple more one foot waterfalls, and this caused the wagon to slide off the raft.

Hobbes saw that the MTM was in it, so he dove after it.

And he left Calvin by himself.

"Hey, get back here!" shouted Calvin.

But it was too late.

Suddenly, there were two separate waterfalls.

Dana disappeared down the one that went to the left.

Calvin swerved down the one that went to the right.

Hobbes followed Calvin.

Let's follow Dana first, shall we?

First, she fell down five waterfalls that were each about five inches steep, and then she went down one that dropped at about a one hundred eight degree angle, and then she reached the bottom and slowly drifted towards the other dock.

Now onto Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin, who had the raft, and Hobbes, who had the wagon, both drifted along the rapids.

Then they both flew straight off a waterfall that was about twenty-five feet high.

They both disappeared under the water, and then they reemerged.

Hobbes looked slightly ill.

He checked the wagon and was relieved to find the MTM was okay.

Suddenly, they spotted a whirlpool up ahead.



They both spun around in circles for a couple of seconds, and then they were both tossed out of the whirlpool and tossed into another fork in the river.

Calvin went to the left and Hobbes went to the right.

Oh no.

Back at the house, Andy and Socrates were watching television.

They had virtually forgotten about Calvin and Hobbes.

And they had completely forgotten that Sherman was still under a cup in Calvin's room.

While they were watching, the phone rang.

Andy answered.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hello? Who is this?" asked a voice.

It was Calvin's mom!

"Oh, hello," said Andy. "This is Andy. I'm just sitting here watching TV with Socrates."

"Okay, well, how is Calvin doing with Dana?"

Andy's eyes shot open.

"Um, Dana's…?"

He glanced at Socrates, hoping for some help.

Socrates didn't reply.

Andy sighed.

"She's sleeping."

"Did she eat okay?" Mom asked.

Andy looked at the stains on his shirt.

"You could say that."

"Well, I want to talk to Calvin. Where is he?"

Andy gulped. "Um, he and Hobbes are, um, guarding Dana. You know, you never know what could happen to a child so young, so they're keeping her safe."

Mom sighed. "What did Calvin do, and how much is he paying you?"

"Uh, listen, where are you right now?" Andy asked nervously.

"I'm on my way home, but I'm stuck in traffic. I should be home in half an hour."

"Okay, well, everything's fine, ma'am. You can trust us."

And Andy hung up.

He stared at the TV.

"Okay, Calvin's mom is coming home. Should we be worried?"

"Nah," said Socrates. "Let's just call Calvin and warn him."


Andy picked up the phone and dialed Calvin's number.

Meanwhile, Calvin was bouncing off of tiny waterfalls.

"Ooh! Aah! Oof! Ack! Ooh! Eee!" he said each time he hit a waterfall.

Then he spotted a drop just ahead.

"Initiating panic sequence………now!"

And Calvin tumbled over the edge.


And then when he landed, he went over a second waterfall.


And then he went over a third waterfall.


Okay, there are just more of these coming up.

Let's switch to Hobbes, huh?

If you think Hobbes got the better end of this, you are wrong.

Hobbes flew off of a cliff of water.

He held onto the MTM and the wagon handle for dear life.


And then…


Hobbes reemerged, soaked.

Then he came to seven waterfalls that didn't even qualify as waterfalls.

Waterfallettes, we could call them.

Each was about two inches tall, so he was able to regain control.

Soon, he came to a part that was shallow.

Hobbes climbed out of the wagon and pushed it back into deeper waters.

It was a pond in wetlands.

"Phew!" he gasped. "Glad that's over."

Just then there was a beeping noise coming from the MTM.

It was the phone.

Hobbes opened the MTM and spoke into the place where the CD would usually go.

"Talk to me?"

"Hobbes?" asked Andy.

"Oh, hey, Andy. How's it hangin?"

"Not bad, except that Calvin's mom is going to home in half an hour."

Hobbes shot up.

"WHAT?" he shouted.

"Well, no, it's more like fifteen minutes now. It took a long time to dial this number."


"Look, Socrates and I will take care of it. Just hurry."

"Right. See ya in fifteen."

Hobbes closed the MTM, and then he opened the holographic map.

He saw the red dot.

"Eureka!" he cheered. "She's stopped moving!"

Indeed, now the red dot had come to a halt just in front of the opposite dock.

Hobbes shoved off towards the river…

…only to fly off another cliff of water!


Hobbes held on and dove into the water.

Hobbes, the MTM and the wagon reemerged.

Finally, he saw another waterfall just above him.

And then he heard a familiar scream.


Calvin and the log raft tumbled over the edge.

They bobbed back up to the surface.

"Calvin! Over here!" Hobbes shouted.

Calvin glanced up and saw Hobbes.

"Oh! Thank goodness!" said Calvin. "Hobbes, get over here!"

Hobbes paddled his way over, and then climbed aboard, and then hoisted the wagon and MTM back onto the raft.

"Dana should be at the next boat dock," said Hobbes. "And we've only got fifteen minutes."

So Calvin pulled out an outboard motor and turned it on.

They shot forward towards the dock.

And there she was.

Sitting there on her raft was Dana, who was rolling her ball around.

"Dana!" cried Calvin.

Calvin stopped the raft and grabbed his cousin and her ball.

"Dana, thank goodness!" he said, hugging her. Then he wagged her finger at her. "Don't you ever run away ever again, young lady!"

Hobbes chuckled.

"Come on, we only have ten more minutes before your mom gets home."

"Then let's hurry."

They revved up the motor and shot off.

Andy and Socrates were still watching television.

Sherman was still in the bedroom, and he had just now managed to get the cup off of himself.

He glanced out the window.

Mom was pulling into the driveway.

Sherman quickly scurried off the dresser, down the hall, down the stairs and into the living room.

Not bad for a puny hamster, huh?

"Guys?" he asked.

"Not now! Jimmy, Carl and Sheen are turning green!" said Socrates.

"Well, I just thought I'd say that Calvin's mother is home, but sorry to interrupt," said Sherman.

Andy and Socrates' heads shot up.

"What!" they screamed.

Just then the door opened.

"Okay, act calm," said Socrates.

"Right," said Andy. "Nonchalant."

"Good word: nonchalant," said Socrates.


Mom entered.

She saw Andy sitting in the chair with a stuffed tiger and a hamster.

"Andy, is Dana still asleep?"

"Uh, she might be," Andy guessed. "Calvin's watching her."

"Okay, I'll go up and see them."

She started to leave, but Andy got up.

"You know, Mrs. Calvin's Mom, you and I don't really know each other very well!" he said. "I come over here everyday, but it's very rare you ever see me."

"You come over here everyday?"

"Well, obviously not every day, but I am indeed friends with your son and his tiger!"

Mom sighed.

She liked that Calvin had a human friend, and Andy was a good kid, but she felt that Andy was suffering the same problem Calvin was.




"What did you buy at the store?"

"Food. What did Calvin do?"

"Oh, Calvin? Oh, he's fine! He's an innocent young lad!"

They stared at each other.

Socrates and Sherman were watching from the chair.

"You following any of this?" asked Socrates.

"Not a syllable," replied Sherman.

"So, how was your day?" Andy continued.

Mom went to say something, but then Andy spotted Calvin and Hobbes walking downstairs with Dana in Calvin's arms.

"Oh, what do you know! Here they come now!"

Calvin walked over to Mom with Dana.

"Phew!" he said. "This kid is heavy! Hard to believe. Every time we put food in her mouth, she spit it out again!"

Mom smiled.

"Well, Calvin. It looks like you boys did a good job. I'll take her upstairs and change her."

And Mom took Dana upstairs.

Andy sighed and glared at Socrates and Sherman.

"Thanks for helping, guys," he said through gritted teeth.

"No prob," said Socrates.

"Just ask," added Sherman.

"How'd you get Dana back?" asked Socrates.

"It wasn't easy," said Calvin. "There were gummy worms, and brooms, and rapids, and the MTM, and great deleted scene that involved a bus, but we don't have to go too far into that."

"Yeah," said Hobbes. "I am never gonna have kids."

"Me neither," said Calvin.

"So," said Sherman. "What were we doing before this started?"

"Uh, we were preparing for our water balloon attacks on Susie," said Andy.

"Then let's resume," said Hobbes.

And the five sort-of friends went upstairs.

It's a weird friendship they all have.

But they have it.

Dana eventually went home that afternoon.

Calvin declared her his favorite relative.

Mainly because she didn't live in his house.

And the next day, Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates, Andy and Sherman bombed Susie in ten gallons of water.

It was truly a magnificent day for the two loons and the kid.

The End

Voice work

Pamela Segall Adlon: Calvin

Tom Hanks: Hobbes

Ryan Stiles: Socrates

Andrew Lawrence: Andy

Colin Mochrie: Sherman

Bill Murray: Dad

Jennifer Love Hewitt: Mom

Daveigh Chase: Dana

Coming up next: Gasping for Air