Telemarketers watch out!

Disclaimer: You probably already know I am not Eastman and Laird – so I don't own them. WARNING: Not for children, some naughty bits in this one.

Here's a little story about one of life's little annoyances – telemarketers! They always ring at inconvenient times and want to sell you garbage that you would never use.

I thought that since my story where Donnie introduced phone into the Turtle household, I would have a little bit more fun with that phone and the Turtles. How does a ninja turtle handle annoying telemarketers? Read and find out. Also – enjoy.

Phone rings

"It's mine!" Mickey picks it up.

"You have reached Turtle head quarters, if you wish to speak to Leo press one, if you wish to speak to Don, press two, if you wish to speak to Raph ring back later – he's out and if you want to speak to Mikey, then I'm all yours," Mikey said into the phone.

"I want to talk to Splinter," said the voice on the other end of the line.

"No one rings him, so that's why he's not on the list. Besides, he's not a turtle – you do know that don't you?" Mikey said into the phone.

"Mikey! You know I know he's not a damn turtle, just get him," Raph told his brother.

"Hey Don, get Splinter, he's wanted on the phone, by old cranky pants," Mikey called out.

"So where are you?" Mikey asked in an accusing voice.

"None of your turtle-wax, get Splinter on the phone would you," Raph was impatent.

"Donnie, I said go get Master Splinter," Mikey noticed Donnie had not stoped what he was doing.

"Get him your self, I'm busy."

"SPLINTER!" Mikey yelled into the lair.

"Next time you yell like that – don't do it into the damn phone you idiot!"

"Oh that's right now you're a year older than me for just seven weeks, you're hearing isn't so good. That's right poor old Raphie he's getting so old, the grey hairs are taking over."

"I don't have any hair - obviously you haven't noticed?"

"Oh that's the first sign of aging, your hair falls out and you go bald. Poor Raphie."

"You don't have any hair, maybe it's because you're a turtle and turtles don't have hair! Look just get me Splinter!"

"Hum… he's not coming, I guess he don't want to speak to you. I mean I guess now he has three sons aged 20, he is feeling quiet old himself. I think I should go make him some tea," Mikey hung up.

Raph was standing in the phone booth getting all worked up. He stormed back towards the lair – ready to deal with Mikey.

"How come you're back?" Leo asked when he saw Raph walk in, "Thought you were out for the day?"

"I came back to give our still teenage and still a pain in the arse brother something for hanging up on me when I wanted to talk to Splinter!" Raph was all fired up.

"He's trying to feed Splinter wassebi flavoured chips," Donnie informed his hotheaded brother.

"Yeah well I'll get a tube of the stuff and shove it down his throat – you know he hates anything hot and he'll be on that toilet for the rest of the weekend and out of our hair!"

"Please don't last time Mikey ate wassebi he stank that bathroom out. No air freshers would get rid of that smell," Leo curled his beak up.

"You're really not that old Master Splinter; just cos they're like 20 you shouldn't be thinking your old. You still look 21 yourself!"

Master Splinter walked into the room, with Mikey right behind him, telling him not to worry about getting old. The other three laughed when Mikey said Splinter passed for a 21 year old.

"I think it's time for practice," Master Splinter said, anything to get Mikey to stop telling him he did not look a day over 21.

After practice, Raph was walking around the lair, trying to control his anger at Mikey, who kept treating him as if he was some old aged pensioner. Suddenly the phone rang.

"Hello I am from your local pest control agency; this is just a quick call to see if our service would be of use to you?" The woman on the phone said, when Raphael picked up the phone. Mikey is trying to wrestle the phone off him. They had just been racing for it.

"So you do pest control you say?" Raph replies.

"Yes we do."

"Yeah, I got the perfect pest right here. Tell me what do you do to brothers?" Raph asks.

"I'm sorry sir?"

"I said what's your price for exterminating brothers? Is it per brother or can I get a deal like two for the price of one?"

"Hey Donnie, Raph's trying to get you exterminated!" Mikey called out into the lair.

"You dumb or something? I meant you and Leo, bonehead." Raph said to Mikey.

Mikey stuck his tongue out.

"I'm sorry sir, we specialise in the disposal of insects and rodents only," women on phone tells him.

"I don't want to exterminate the rat, he ain't the one singing "I'm too sexy" in the shower," Raph replied.

"No he puts that relaxation music on instead and falls asleep," Mikey answered.

"No one asked you, now bug off!" Raph pushed Mikey away.

"I am sorry sir, but we only specialise in…"

"Yeah you told me lady and I'm telling you we don't need your dumb pest control. Now bugger off."

"Raph!" Leo cried at his brother.

"Leo," Raph replied copying his brother.

"You're not doing what Sensei told you to do."

"What's that? Wipe your arse? God don't tell me he wants me to do that!" Raph cried.

"Oh please, I want to see your face when you do have to wipe Leo's butt!"

"Shut up Mikey!" Leo and Raph said at the same time.

"Hey Don, you want tickets to see Raph wiping Leo's butt?"

"I ain't wiping no one's butt!" Raph replied.

"Oh that's gross! Raph does not wipe his butt! Now I know why he smells like the toilet," Mikey said, as soon as he saw Raph's death look, he was off, with Raph far behind him.

An hour later, Mikey is sporting a bump to his head from Raphael, who has been sent to cool off. Donnie works on his computer when the phone rings.

"I'll get it!" Donnie calls. Mikey raced and beat him too it.

"Donnie wants you tonight," Mikey said into the receiver.

"Wish you'd grow up and answer the phone properly," Don rolled his eyes.

"What's that? Who's Donnie? Oh well Donnie is this guy who'll not only fix your radiator for you, but he'll also show you his tool box," Mikey said into the receiver. He holds the mouthpiece and says to Don "I think you've got a chance here, dude!"

"What do you mean? They don't even know me."

"So you want Donnie to come over at about 9 o'clock? Yeah I'll make sure he is wearing boxers – now would you like the love heart ones or the ones with Elmo on them?"

"Give me that!" Donnie grabs for the phone.

"Oh Donnie can't wait, he wants to come over now," Mikey giggled into the phone.

Donnie walked over to where the phone line connection was and pulled out the plug.

"Hey the lines dead, Don!" Mikey called.

"You don't say? If you ever speak like that on the phone again about me, I'll tell Master Splinter and then you'll cope it!" Don warned and went back to the computer.

"Hello this is your local councillor…."

"Me sexy man," Mikey said when he answered the phone.

"You're a turtle and a bloody ugly one at that," Raph yelled out.

"I say me sexy man, you want sexy man?"

"They definitely rang the wrong number this time, if that's what they want," Leo said, thumbing at Mikey.

"I was wondering your local views about the transport of the city…"

"Me sexy man, I speak no English," Mikey replied into the phone.

"Sounds like English to me," Leo replied.

"Unfortunately he does speak English," Donnie put in.

"I sexy man, you want sexy man. My name is sexy man."

"And here I thought it was Michealangelo all these years?" Raph joked.

"Who is this sexy men suppose to be?" Leo asks.

"Who knows?" Donnie said.

"Some figment of Mikey's insane brain," Raph replied.

"He's off his tree."

"Is that a chick or a guy he's talking to?" Raph looks at his brothers.

"I don't want to know," Donnie replied.

"I sexy man, if you want sexy man I am sexy man. I sexy you want sexy?"


Mikey stopped talking into the phone; Splinter is giving him the warning look. "Sexy man go". Mikey hangs up and walks into the dojo his head hung low.

"Busted big time," Raph chuckles.

Phone rings again.

"Mikey's sexy man person is back," Don says as he goes to answer it.

"Okay who here rings the hot babes' hotline? There's a Shake-your-booty on the phone for you?"

"A shake-a-who?"

"Must be Mikey's friend, tell them he's getting his arse kicked and he's not available til next year!" Raph laughed.

"Just hang up," Leo said.

"Na, if she's Mikey's friend, lets give her hell," Raph ran to the phone and took it off Donnie.

"So she's your friend, hey?" Donnie playfully swatted Raph. Raph growled at him.

"Get a real job lady," Raph hung up.

"Michealangelo, stop playing with your food!" Master Splinter said, as they were seated around the table.

"Yeah Mikey, there's not enough olives to spell your name, so grow up," Raph stole the olives that had formed Mikey's M.


Phone rings.

"I'll get it," Mikey was about to get up, but saw Master Splinter's eye and stoped. He had promised not to touch that phone for a whole week.

"I'll get it," Leo said.

Leo came back in a moment later.

"Who is Tracey – she's waiting for Donnie to come fix the radiator and says she wants the love heart boxers," Leo said, looking at the turtle in question.

"Oh kinky!" Raph chuckled.

"Shut up Raph," Donnie muted; he turned to look at Mikey.

"Who is this Tracey?" Master Splinter asked his sons.

"Some women Mikey spoke to this morning on the phone," Donnie replied.

"Yeah she said she needs her radiator fixed and I suggested Donnie could," Mikey replied.

"And where do the boxers come in?" Leo asked.

"Leo you've got a dirty mind!" Raph said surprised.