Disclaimer: You caught me! I don't own Soul Calibur. Namco has that privilege. Dang.

AN: Okay, my first Soul Calibur fic ever. Yes, the characters have been tampered with, but it's all for the sake of comedy. Now, without further adieu... "Freak on a Leash"


"No, he's not," Raphael refuted.

"Oh, yes he is," Cassandra told him.

"He can't be."

"Can't be what," Kilik asked, stepping between the two.

"Can't be rabid," Raphael answered. "Cassandra is thoroughly convinced that Voldo has contracted rabies. Is that not the most absurd thing you've ever heard of?"

Kilik's eyes took on a glazed look for a moment as he stared at the oddity that is Voldo before replying weakly, "That would explain a lot."

"It explains nothing," Raphael told him. "If he had been bitten by a rabid animal there's no way he would still be standing."

"Maybe he's not human," Cassandra mused.

"What?" Kilik turned his gaze her way. "First rabies and now he's an animal? I realize he doesn't say anything that could even be considered coherent but..."

"But nothing, they put a muzzle on him," Cassandra blurted, pointing to the thing in question. The three looked long and hard at Voldo's face, taking note of how the straps on his head were firmly secured around his head, the one going straight across his mouth in such a way it seemed a very effective gag to keep him from talking...or biting for that matter.

"May I keep him," a smoky feminine voice enquired.

"No, Ivy, you may not," Kilik replied.

"Oh, please? I'm sure he's simply delightful to..."

"We don't care what you think he'd be delightful at," Cassandra shrieked.

"The point is," Kilik continued, " is that you can't care for him properly. I mean, take Astaroth for example. You had him three days and he ran away."

Ivy's pout turned into a seductive smile, "Yes, he was a very naughty boy, I had to whip him when he was insolent."

"Can we please get back to the point," Cassandra pleaded, hands still firmly planted over her ears as they had been since Ivy had begun her act to gain another consort.

"Sure we can," Raphael replied, prying his eyes from their current resting spot on Ivy's alluring costume, which left little to the imagination. "We were talking about...um..."

"The odd noises Voldo makes," Cassandra prompted.

"He has nasal allergies, " Raphael defended. "Voldo is clearly an allergy sufferer and must therefore constantly clear his sinuses."

"But he doesn't say anything coherent," Cassandra argued.

"I don't need my men to speak," Ivy purred, " he can whisper sweet feral nothings in my ear..."

"Would you shut up," Cassandra snapped. "You're skanky, we get it. You're distracting the men!" She pointed toward Kilik and Raphael whom had once more drifted into a dream-like state.

"Boys you mean," Ivy laughed, sidling up next to Kilik.

"I've taken a vow of chastity," Kilik cried out.

"Poo." Ivy decided her time would be better spent next to Raphael. "You're French, aren't you?"

"Oui, oui," he replied as she placed a hand on his chest and leaned over to whisper something in his ear.

"Oh, for the love of...Get a room!"

"Not until this discussion is over," Raphael declared with a flourish of his rapier.

"Fine," Cassandra snapped. "All who believe Voldo would make a suitable pet for Ivy, raise your hand."

Ivy's hand rose, as did Kilik's- although reluctantly- as Cassandra held hers proudly aloft. "There, it's settled. Now I don't feel so bad about kicking him when he's down on all fours grunting."

"What?" Raphael stalked towards her, Ivy standing forgotten on the sidelines. "You mean to say that this was all so that your conscience would be guilt free?"

The blond thought for a moment. "Yes," she replied, "yes is was." She then gave a smile before skipping off. Raphael heard Ivy say, "oh, goody, a new pet," which was soon accompanied by incomprehensible screeching and snorting. He wished for a moment that it were himself being dragged off by Ivy before changing his mind. One didn't really want to know what she did in the privacy of her own home when one considered her public displays of affection. Some things were best left secret, like the mystery of Voldo, and if he really was as dumb as they all believed or just terribly insane. A sharp poke at his back brought Raphael back to the real world. "What?"

"You coming to poker night?" Kilik asked.

"Yes," Raphael replied. He paused before asking, " Have you really taken a vow of chastity, or were you just trying to get rid of Ivy?"

" Just trying to get rid of Ivy, Xianghua would kill me if she ever discovered that I find Ivy the least bit attractive."

"Good call. Besides, we don't really know where Ivy's been, have we?"

"No, and I really don't want to find out."

The End