Title: And Now For Something Completely Different: Queertet Revisited
Author: Star and Carla
Rating: Whatever is teenage-ish, not too much swearing, violence and all that.
Dedications: Carla, for the endless input, Vic for the permission and the enthusiasm.
Feedback: Yes please. Who would say no?
Disclaimer: I don't own the Mighty Ducks, I wish I did because then I'd be fairly rich, could cheerfully say, "Ah, I knew Josh Jackson before he was famous", and wouldn't have to do boring repetitive work. I could write for a living.
I own Terri, Vic owns Maya and Carla owns Anna and Shona. Anna is not to be confused with my Annie James – who is not in this fic.
Distribution: My sites Queertet dot net and Starlight-Tales dot com. Anyone else: Want. Ask. Take. Have. I'd be beyond thrilled. By the way, I have a Ducks List called MightyDucksMovies, go to Queertet dot net and sign up there! It's free. Also, there's an automated archive you can find at Queertet dot co dot uk.
Summary: Queertet Revisited – a different spin on the tale Vic and I once told to you.
Notes as to why: Vic and I have either Officially Abandoned Queertet or it is still on The Longest Hiatus In The World™, either way, it's not moving forward any time soon. So this is what I have to offer. Vic may come up with something else. So go, bug her about. innocent look
Notes on the fic: The prologue and the epilogue are in a weird format, kind of like a reality show. This is not the case for the rest of the fic. The actual chapters will be written in proper fic format (third person, past tense, and none of this smug-know-it-all tone).
Notes on Names: The following names have been changed: Taz is now Terri; Shauna is now Shona; Jez is now Rai. Hope this doesn't cause too much confusion.
Theresa Anne McDonald sits on a large brown leather-bound armchair, she's wearing a red velvet dressing gown, a pair of wire-framed glasses that are a little too large for her small face, she's wearing slippers that are obviously owned by a man but they match the dressing gown perfectly. On her lap is a large book, this is also bound in fine brown leather, the fact that the book matches the armchair conveys the grandeur of her surroundings. To her right is a small table holding a crystal glass containing the finest cognac in the state.
"Hello," she says. "I'm here to set a few things straight. 'What things?' you ask? Well, let's start with the Queertet."
She opens the book on her lap, glances down at it, nods a few times, then looks back up again.
"Did you honestly believe all that drama came about because six teenagers came out at school? Honestly, how gullible can you get!"
She takes a sip of the cognac, winces and lets out a sound that's very much like, "Bleeeuurah."
"That's it, Terri!" Adam shouts from the background. "Put the damned drink down, my dad is going to batter you when he finds out that not only are you wearing his favourite dressing gown and slippers, but you've stolen his special cognac! He only uses that when the boss comes to dinner!"
Terri pulls a face. "Back off, Banksie. I'm just putting the nice people straight. We've been lying to them for years."
"Terri, that's not even the Queertet manuscript you're holding, it's the Bible!"
"Not to sound like a complete fairy, but it does match the chair very nicely." Fulton says.
Terri waves him off and addresses the people who aren't in the room. "Look, I'm going to try and tell you what happened, you're just going to have to ignore the anal guy in the background."
Looking around the room, there is a bizarre lack of Maya, but weirdly enough, Linda is curled up on the sofa opposite Terri. Charlie is sitting next to her, letting Linda play with his hair.
Fulton gives Adam one of his scary looks. "You know it's easier just to let her do these things. If you try to stop her it will only take her longer – and she's more likely to get wound up and start getting silly."
Terri frowns. "Thank you, I think."
Adam grudgingly sits down next to Charlie, who rubs his arm sympathetically. "She won't be long, just let her get it out in the open."
Terri grins and starts again. "Just so you know, we wrote that at Adam's beach house. We partied there after graduation – and since we're being honest, we all took it in turns and we were all drunk as hell. In our defence, Portman makes a mean cocktail. I spent three weeks thinking I was a DVD after that."
"In Portman's defence," Fulton speaks up, "Terri has always been a little slow on the uptake, it might not have been the fault of the alcohol."
Terri pouts, things are obviously not going her way.
Portman gets up, picks her up and sits her on his lap. "Are you sulking, my little, Tezzie-wazzie?" He asks in a patronising voice, bouncing her on his knee like a toddler.
"Yes!" She snaps. "I just want to tell them how it was and you're all being rotten!"
"Ah, poor baby." He continues to use the same tone. "Come on, I'll make them shut up, you just tell the nice people how it actually happened."
"Yes." Portman turns to the group. "You," he points at Adam. "For the next five minutes I don't want to hear another word about your father's slippers, cognac or anything else. Linda, you'll not encourage Terri to go off on a tangent. Charlie, you'll not pull any of your weird faces that gets her giggling and Fulton, you will not intimidate her with that glare of yours."
The group (which was already silent) looks at the floor nervously.
"Ok, Terri, the stage is all yours."
Terri suddenly goes bashful. She takes another mouthful of the cognac, Charlie slaps a restraining hand over Adam's mouth and Terri makes another bleeeuurah noise.
"Right. Ok. Yeah. So, we fictionalised a few things. Some things are true, some things did happen, but we changed the events to make the story funnier or angstier, apparently that's what people like. For example, if you remember Adam eating the note that Charlie passed him, that did not happen exactly like that. What happened was, Charlie and Adam were in biology and it was pop-quiz day, Charlie hadn't studied but he had a date that night, so didn't want to be on detention. Adam passed him the answers and when Madigan caught them Charlie ate the paper. And just so you know, they got detention – but Maya and I weren't there…"
"Which brings us to our next point," Terri continues. "Two characters were entirely made up. The first is Maya. That's because I'm single and I hate it, and the guys…" she sighs, "they felt sorry for me, so made me a girlfriend. The second is Damien, he does not exist either, his name is a play on my feelings towards a certain person. Damien is based on my friend's sister, Shona. Shona is actually the devil, so that's why we called her Damien – and she was always part of our lives. Annoyingly enough."
"Some things are flat out B.S. I mean, could you really believe all that stuff about Connie? She's evil, she's good, she's having –"
"TERRI!" Linda interjects loudly. "Remember, we never finished Sun?"
"Why was that again?" Portman asks, a smug smile on his face.
"Um, because after a week's worth of your cocktails, Adam, Linda and I set off to buy some Lilt, even though you can't get it in America, and then we convinced Adam to book us a mini-break in London on his credit card."
"And what happened then?"
"We drank Lilt and vodka all day, then went to see Freddy vs Jason, then we drank some more."
"And then I drank, and she drank, then we drank, then I drank some more." Adam says with evident pride.
Charlie gives him a look. "We're being far too smug here. The 'I ran, then she ran, then I kissed her and we both ran' jokes are used and abused too much."
"Anyway, getting back to the absolute B.S…"
"Terri," Linda interjects. "How do we know you're not lying now? You could be about to spin another tale that is a fantastical leap of your imagination."
Fulton nods. "I've see your bedroom walls, you've definitely got an imagination that's not based in reality."
Terri ignores them both. "Fulton and Portman are not now, nor have they ever been, a couple." Terri says.
"We're called The Bash Brothers for a reason." Portman says. "We are like brothers, and dating would just be wrong."
"But a couple of dodgy snogs under the influence of Portman's cocktails are fine, are they?" Terri puts in.
"You be quiet, Theresa. It was a game of truth or dare and you kissed Charlie's feet, so you're in no position to pass judgement."
"Ah, that was a good party." Charlie grins.
"And Charlie and Adam are too volatile to ever date. They bicker like little old ladies. The kind that poison each other's tea." Linda adds. "And while we're coming clean about relationships, Terri never had a girlfriend until the end of Freshman year – and we've already covered the fact that Maya doesn't exist."
"Thanks, Linda. Nice. Make me sound like a dateless loser, why don't you?" Terri mumbles, then raises her voice. "And speaking of, what's Linda doing here?" She turns to Linda. "What are you doing here, you snotty, freaky little activist, you?"
Linda shrugs. "I don't know, I heard there was cognac." She grins at Terri.
Terri grins back, and refuses to expand, so changes the subject slightly. "All of those people that you hated thanks to the story, they're our best friends and the people that were our friends, they're not so much. We thought it would be funny to write the homophobes as our best friends – if they ever saw our story, they'd be really upset – and our real friends thought the idea of them acting completely out of character was really funny, actually they helped us write it."
"And we never even told you about Anna, she was also part of it." Charlie says.
"So Terri, tell us what really happened." Fulton asks with a smile.
"Well, if you'll all shut up, I will…"