You are now the proud owner of an OBI-WAN KENOBI (hereafter OBI-WAN) unit! In order to obtain top performance from your Jedi Master, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.
Your OBI-WAN should arrive fully assembled and in upright condition. Please check that you have all his accessories (see partial list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of OBI-WAN that you ordered, as there are two:
Mark I OBI-WAN (copyright Lucas/Guinness, 1977-1983)
Mark II OBI-WAN (copyright Lucas/MacGregor, 1999-2005).
This manual is for the MARK II OBI-WAN unit.
Name: OBI-WAN KENOBI
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturers: Unknown but definitely extant
Date of Manufacture: 57 BBY (Before the Battle of Yavin)
Height: 1.79 metres
Weight: 165 lbs
Length: Data not available but guaranteed satisfactory
Power Output: Dual Voltage with Automatic Pumping Action and Instant Recharge
Mk I OBI-WAN – sandy hair with green eyes
Mk II OBI-WAN – grey hair with blue eyes
Your OBI-WAN unit will be shipped fully clad to you in a protective crate. Although originally shipped in his traditional Jedi garb he comes with a wide range of accessories, including lightsabre, walking-stick, blaster pistol, and additional outfits for hours of dress-up fun.
Your OBI-WAN unit will arrive to you in his factory-issued condition of slightly battle-worn. The company makes every effort to ensure the safe and secure delivery of your OBI-WAN. However, due to certain Trade Federation blockade difficulties some shipments may arrive slightly scuffed. This will not affect your OBI-WAN's performance. It is recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will ensure proper lubrication of your OBI-WAN unit and will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional. It is also just fun.
CAUTION Married/committed OBI-WAN owners must ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile hunting etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.
Your OBI-WAN has been designed to be user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in Standard Galactic English or Astromech Communicatory Code. You may also choose to teach your OBI-WAN commands in different forms of communication; although his memory databanks are insufficient to retain the six million forms of communication common in protocol droids, you will find your OBI-WAN is skilled with tongues and performance should prove satisfactory.
Apart from the aesthetic value of your OBI-WAN as a fine example of rugged Jedi masculinity, he can be utilised in several capacities about the house and garden:
Your OBI-WAN is renowned for his insight into matters and possesses a vast store of knowledge on matters vegetable, animal, mineral, philosophical, and martial.
Your OBI-WAN is adept at handling multiple types of transport, including speeders, native animals, Jedi Transporters, Jedi Infiltrators, and other forms of space travel. However, caution should be utilized when having your OBI-WAN operate speeders, as he is prone to leaping from them and the company cannot be held liable for any damages sustained to the OBI-WAN unit in such incidents.
Alternate Light Source:
Your OBI-WAN's accessory pack includes a custom-designed lightsabre, providing a handy alternate source of light for power outages or when you simply want a novel change in your ambient lighting.
Your OBI-WAN is equipped with a handy lightsabre that is useful for a wide variety of garden-related activities, including trimming hedges and cutting topiaries.
Your OBI-WAN has been programmed to instruct you and your friends in the art of lightsabre technique. His memory databanks are pre-programmed with several techniques and you will find he is a patient and skilled partner. Do not worry if you should manage to get the best of your OBI-WAN in such lightsabre dueling; your OBI-WAN has been trained to keep his good-humour and suppress his natural warrior's urge to beat you to a bloody pulp. (For more information regarding swordplay please see the FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS section of this manual.)
Your OBI-Wan is skilled in combat and defence and will make an admirable protector. He is particularly experienced with frontal attacks.
Your OBI-WAN is capable of lifting incredibly heavy objects. However, due to his tendency to send these heavy objects hurtling through space, caution is recommended when utilizing this feature. Also avoid using it in public – such as for Christmas shopping – as the sight of parcels floating down the street on their own may discomfit others.
Physical Activities Director:
Your OBI-WAN unit, as a fearsome Jedi warrior, is accustomed to bouts of intense physical activity. Put this seemingly boundless energy to good use and keep your OBI-WAN from idleness by providing him with all sorts of physical activities. These activities can range anywhere from chopping wood – your OBI-WAN's lightsabre is guaranteed to slice through even the most hardened oak with ease - to intense bedspring testing, and will keep your OBI-WAN in good spirits and properly fit and toned.
Do not expose your OBI-WAN to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, power couplings, or excessive heat. Do not leave your OBI-WAN in direct sunlight or skin damage and fading will occur. Exposure to QUI-GON JINN units is not recommended unless you have previously disabled the SLASH setting on your OBI-WAN unit. By all means avoid exposure to a DARTH VADER unit as OBI-WAN units are likely to be damaged in such contact. Mk II OBI-WAN units are fatally incompatible with DARTH VADER units and must be kept apart at all times.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your OBI-WAN is compatible with most other humanoid and alien units. Despite the company's best efforts, however, your OBI-WAN does have some incompatibility issues. The comprehensive list is lengthy and available only upon request; refer to the below SELECTED COMPATIBILITY ISSUES section for further information.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Your OBI-WAN unit will progress through several stages of behavioural procedure when brought into contact with the ANAKIN SKYWALKER unit. Initially a phase of Sibling-like Distrust will ensue, followed by an Older Brother/Mentor/Caregiver modification. If your OBI-WAN is kept in prolonged contact with an ANAKIN SKYWALKER he will eventually experience a Broken Trust/Punishment phase. Such prolonged contact is not recommended by the company as it may result in permanent damage and/or fatality to the ANAKIN SKYWALKER unit.
PADME AMIDALA: Your OBI-WAN is usually very compatible with the PADME AMIDALA unit and will respond to her in a friendly and caring manner. Exposure of your OBI-WAN to a PADME AMIDALA in the company of an ANAKIN SKYWALKER is not recommended by the company as it may cause your OBI-WAN's behavioral systems to short-circuit, resulting in damage to all units, particularly the ANAKIN SKYWALKER unit.
JAR-JAR BINKS: Your OBI-WAN is a caring individual who responds favorably to most native creatures. When brought into contact with a JAR-JAR BINKS unit, your OBI-WAN's first response may be to threaten the JAR-JAR BINKS with being crushed, smashed, and blasted into oblivion. This is a natural response for most units upon first contact with a JAR-JAR BINKS unit. If brought into prolonged contact with a JAR-JAR BINKS unit, your OBI-WAN may experience the sudden desire to grow long hair and retire from the company of others.
DARTH MAUL: Your OBI-WAN should avoid contact with a DARTH MAUL model at all costs, as the long-term programming of these two models is fatally incompatible. Contact with a DARTH MAUL unit may cause lightsabre damage and/or sudden death or bisection of the DARTH MAUL unit. Exposure to a DARTH MAUL unit in the presence of a QUI-GON JINN is also not recommended as damage to both the DARTH MAUL and QUI-GON JINN units is extremely likely.
CLONE WARRIORS: Due to similarities in their warrior programming, your OBI-WAN will initially respond favorably to CLONE WARRIOR units. However, the long-term programming of these two models is fatally incompatible and prolonged contact between units should be avoided at all costs as damage to both units is very likely.
JANGO FETT: Although your OBI-WAN may respond favorably to a JANGO FETT unit initially, this is usually limited to a private encounter. It is suggested that you disable the SLASH feature in such instances on both units (unless you fancy sharing). Contact with a JANGO FETT in more public situations and/or spacecraft is not recommended by the company as both units may become hostile. The company is not liable for any damages sustained to either unit during displays of masculine aggression.
COUNT DOOKU: The company does not recommend bringing a COUNT DOOKU unit into contact with your OBI-WAN, as damages to both units and light bondage may result.
QUI-GON JINN: Your OBI-WAN unit is extremely compatible with the QUI-GON JINN unit and will behave in a friendly and efficient manner when in contact with him. Caution with regards to prolonged exposure is recommended, however, unless the SLASH setting on both units has been previously disabled (or you fancy that sort of thing).
DROIDS: Your OBI-WAN is fatally incompatible with almost all types of droids, including Battle Droids, Super Battle Droids, and Droideka Destroyers. He has been programmed to destroy all these types of artificial intelligence. Contact with GENERAL GRIEVOUS units is also not recommended as damage to the GENERAL GRIEVOUS unit is very likely. Your OBI-WAN is compatible with most Astromech and Protocol droids, however, and will respond favorably to them, particularly R2 units and gold-tone Protocol droids who spout statistics.
Mk II OBI-WAN KENOBI (OLD BEN): Exposure of your OBI-WAN to a Mk II model (hereafter OLD BEN) is not recommended as it may throw your OBI-WAN into a deep depression upon seeing how twenty years on Tatooine treats him and may prompt him to spontaneously disappear.
The following grooming regimen should be followed on a daily basis. It will provide hours of fun for the entire family, or at the very least private entertainment for the discerning female:
Shower whole OBI-WAN unit.
Upon completion of the cleaning procedure, dry your OBI-WAN by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.
(It has been brought to our attention that the OBI-WAN is easier to keep clean without these trappings. While this is true, you may wish to keep him indoors in this condition unless you want to have the neighbours talk.)
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Do you offer a trial period?
A: Our company policies have changed. Unfortunately, due to the high incidence of abducted OBI-WAN units, we can no longer offer a trial period for any merchandise.
Q: My OBI-WAN has lost his robes…again. This is the seventh time this has happened. Is there anything I can do to make him less careless with his clothing? Those Jedi Robes are expensive to replace!
A: Unfortunately this is a quirk inherent in your OBI-WAN unit. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those delightful little eccentricities that make him so charming. The company is working on a clothing-discarding behavioural patch that may discourage this tendency in your OBI-WAN; it is still in the beta period and is not expected to release until next year. You may wish to offer him a thin bathrobe as the cut of this garment is similar to his Jedi garb. On the other hand, your OBI-WAN unit's tendency to discard his clothing is considered by some customers as an additional bonus.
Q: My OBI-WAN's lightsabre is malfunctioning. What should I do?
A: Your OBI-WAN's lightsabre must be kept in working order for the unit to function properly. It is recommended that you regularly take your OBI-WAN's lightsabre out and polish it. This will keep it properly lubricated and in working order. The company recommends that this procedure be carried out at least once daily for maximum enjoyment of your OBI-WAN unit.
Q: Is it safe for me to take my OBI-WAN on safari with me?
A: It is very safe for you to take your OBI-WAN on holiday. However, do not leave your OBI-WAN in direct sunlight or expose him to high temperatures as prolonged exposure to the elements will result in skin damage, fading and rapid aging.
Problem: Your OBI-WAN's head has taken to falling off and he spontaneously disappears only to reappear glowing effulgently.
Solution: You have been accidentally issued with a Mk II OBI-WAN unit. This unit has a tendency to succumb to a lacerated state and spontaneously becoming One with the Force. Unfortunately the company does not offer refunds or exchanges on any basis. Should you wish to you may download the Mk I OBI-WAN software as this will update his circuitry and should keep him from disappearing, although he will unfortunately still wear the dress.
Problem: You have attempted to activate your OBI-WAN's Alternate Activities programming cycle to no avail. He keeps repeating, "A Jedi shall not know fear. Nor anger. Nor love."
Solution: Your OBI-WAN has been exposed to a PADME AMIDALA unit, which has activated his Jedi Master anti-relationship programming. The only way to reverse this is to bash your OBI-WAN with something heavy. This will reverse the circuitry and solve the problem. Should you not wish to do this yourself you may hire a COUNT DOOKU unit to do it for you as he is very proficient at this sort of task.
Problem: Your OBI-WAN has taken an apparent aversion to clothing and frequently walks about the house in a state of undress. You have also caught him singing soulfully.Solution: And this is a problem? If you really do find this undesirable, please check your OBI-WAN's identification label. It is possible that you have been accidentally issued with a CHRISTIAN unit from "Moulin Rouge." Unfortunately the company does not issue refunds or exchanges on any basis. On the bright side, you have accidentally been issued with a CHRISTIAN unit. QUIT COMPLAINING! If this truly is unacceptable to you, you may put him up for auction on ebay and turn a tidy profit.
Your OBI-WAN unit is guaranteed against defect for 660 months. Should you wish to purchase the optional extended warranty contact the manufacturer. If all procedures in this manual are followed meticulously your OBI-WAN unit should provide you with many years of satisfaction.