Homunculus, He Wrote

Why Envy/Ed? Because I like it. I'll admit, I don't think Envy and Ed hooking up would happen in the actual series unless things went horribly, horribly wrong, but then again, I don't see Ed hooking up with Roy, either, or even Winry. He's a single kind of guy. PBut I have a fierce obsession with Envy, I lub that cute lil shrimp of an alchemist, and I find the way those two interact with each other interesting. I wrote this because I couldn't find nearly enough consensual Envy/Ed fics...

If you must flame, flame because of my horrible writing skillz. Don't flame because I put Envy and Ed together. I've already warned you about a million times...and you still have a chance to turn back.

Also, some notes. I've only seen up to episode 20-something of Full Metal Alchemist, so I have no clue where this fic is set. It's just a made-up thing...as...uh...all fanfics are. Yeah...'cuz I doubt Greed would be calmly sitting in a room with the rest of the homunculi. Anyways, enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, or anything encompassing it...gasp, sob

"Envy, you're a damn ugly bitch and no one could ever want you."

Envy's head snapped up and violet eyes stared, wide with anger-coated shock, at Greed. His brother grinned lazily, dark brows arching above glass-covered eyes. "Well, it's the truth. What do you think, Lust?"

Lust didn't bother looking up. She kept her arms crossed beneath her ample chest, face turned slightly down, eyes closed, and said nothing. She did not want any involvement in this. Faintly, she wondered how a perfectly innocent discussion about past lives could have culminated into a derogatory accusation toward someone who hadn't even been taking part in the conversation in the first place. Greed probably meant to humiliate Envy. What was usually not an easy task had become a bit more smooth by the fact that six out of the seven Sins were currently gathered in one now tension-charged room. Only Pride was missing, but that was nothing new; he was often away, keeping up apperances.

Greed gave up on Lust and focused back on Envy. "See, she agrees with me. What do you think of that?"

Envy scowled in Greed's direction.

"I think it makes you a bastard," the doppelganger replied in a surly tone.

"Oh, come on, Envy. Me, well, all the women flock to me, love me...and how could they not? But you...I doubt that anyone has thought of you in that way. Can't blame them, can you? Who'd want an ill-looking palm tree?"

Envy's frown deepened. He had heardthat insult one time too many. He would have liked to shove those pointed teeth down Greed's obnoxious throat, but for now he was in too despondant a mood, so he simply looked away again, hunched over on the back of the couch, elbow on knee and chin resting against black-clad knuckles.

The taller homunculus kept his amused, bespectacled eyes upon his elder brother. "True, you could transform into someone gorgeous, but would anyone want you inthat form?" he barked a laugh, "or your true form?"

Greed was rewarded with a dark glower from the opposing side as the Sin in question hopped down from his perch while growling a particularly vulgar word, then threw the door open, storming out of the room and down the hall of Dante's manor. Greed grinned again, looking toward the unconcerned figures of Lust and Sloth, Gluttony, who was pawing at Lust's high heels, and Wrath, who was looking almost worriedly at the doorway. Greed's raceous laughter followed Envy down the hallway.

"If he's gone on a quest to find someone who actually likes him, he'll never be back!"

The life of a homunculus was a complex one, despite what it may have seemed to humankind. Memories of a former existence were whisked and beaten into the consciousness of a creature that was never meant to be. Confusion was commonplace in the homunculi mind, and behavior patterns were sometimes inconsistant, more so with the younger ones. What was wanted was known, but doubt hovered over it, a haze in the mind and a tug on the chest.

Envy was the oldest, thus, his behavior was mainly consistent. Was he a cruel, psychotic monster? Yes. But he could always be counted on as being a cruel, psychotic monster. He supposed that's what Dante and the others sometimes depended on.

The disgruntled homunculus took to his new perch on a tree a few yards away from the forest. He looked over the countryside, at the blue-washed greens of land and the orange, pink-tinged evening sky, a rare beauty that was totally lost on the Sin, as his mind was steeped in thought.

Mostly about how Greed was a bastard.

And about Greed's words, which had struck something deep within his mind. Envy somehow found everything that he said hard to disregard. He reasoned that it was because he hated Greed so much. It was the only explanation he could come up with.

Envy wasn't humble; heknew that he was superior to his homunculus siblings, humankind and...well, everything in general. He had always focused on having the upper hand, and he had it. Maybe not in comparison to Oblivion or The Gate, but no one had that. But while lacking in modesty, his ego wasn't as gargantuan as everyone assumed. Any insult toward his appearance deeply offended him. He was attractive now, wasn't he? So why should the insults continue?

Envy's thin, white fingers dug into the black material of his gloves. He hated Greed. He'd prove Greed wrong. He'd put that bastard in his place. But how...?

He'd seduce someone. Now who?

Who'd be the hardest to seduce? Someone so incredibly resistant to those types of advances that it'd prove a challenge? Who would he enjoy toying with then dumping aside like a worn rag?

He could cast out the middleman and choose Greed as his victim, but the thought of that made Envy shudder. Besides, thesharp-toothed Sinwore down his patience far too easily.

A wicked grin came to Envy's lips as a sudden idea struck him. How about someone he wanted to cause damage to, physical and/or emotional...someone he wasn't allowed to kill just yet? He whispered gleefully.


"Al, not another kitten!" Edward Elric groaned as he noticed the furry face poking out of the dark crevice between his brother's helmet and spiked shoulders.

"But Brother, it'll be night soon, and it will be cold!" Al's whines resonated sharply inside the armor.

"It's covered with fur, it'll be fine!" the alchemist groaned, putting a hand to his head as his boots plodded rather more heavily than needed on the cobblestoned Central street. The two had just come back from investigating strange goings-on in a nowhere town south of Central. It had been such a podunk place that not even trains ran there, and while the brothers had managed a carriage ride on the way, the journey back had been nothing but walking.

"Nii-san..." Alphonse said softly, his voice accompanied by a contented mewl from the kitten.

"I can't believe that it was just a wolf killing those sheep and not a chimera like everyone thought," Edward sighed, changing the subject and thus giving up on his valient fight against Al and the kitten. Right now he was far too exhausted to argue.

"It was a kind of deformed-looking wolf, though..." the younger brother said, for once happy to note the defeated tone of Edward's voice.

"Yeah, yeah," the alchemist managed to wave a drooping hand in tired disconcern while his eyelids lowered heavily. Alphonse had to pull Edward to the side as the older boy almost walked into a street lamp outside Central Headquarters. "Thanks, Al..." he mumbled, then traipsed inside, feet dragging over the carpeted lobby floor. After what seemed like forever, Edward reached the office of Roy Mustang.

Usually, when one wants to announce their prescence before entering a door, one will knock.

Unless one is a bantam, dog-tired State Alchemist. In which case, one will collapse against the door, thereby swinging it open, thus falling in the middle of the floor in front of a mildly surprised, black-haired man.

Alphonse ran over to his brother and lifted him up, noting that he was quite obviously asleep. The metal helmet turned to look at the military man, whose surprise had evaporated into unconcerned nonchalance, as if he expected something like that from Edward.

Which he did.

"Check into the temporary housing quarters, Alphonse. I've already set up a room for you two there," Roy said in a bored tone while leafing through a report. The armor stared a moment or two, always amazed at the casualty in Mustang's voice, then nodded.

"Yes sir," he bowed slightly and lifted Edward up in his arms. The kitten reached out a tiny paw, flicking its black pad against the single, stubborn piece of hair that Ed could never seem to get to stay down.

"Oh, and Alphonse?"

"Yes sir?"

"Have him report to me tomorrow when he wakes up."

"Right, sir. Oh...um...is it all right i--"

"The cat can stay with you in the housing quarters as long as you take care of it."

"Thank you, sir. And--"

"Yes, I know Full Metal will be hungry when he wakes up, but he knows where the cafeteria is."


"And if he pulls one of those faces, tell him that the food isn't nearly as bad as it could be."


"You should get going now."

"Y-yeah..." if Alphonse could blink, he would have by now. Several times, in fact. But, lacking eyelids, he couldn't, so he backed out of Mustang's office and headed toward the housing quarters.

Alphonse Elric set his brother gently on the crisp, white sheets of the bed, then stood to his full height, an armored hand to the back of his head. Overall, Alphonse like the housing quarters of Central Headquarters. They were temporary living places designed to accomodate travelling members of the military. Al found them nice, tidy places, though they were rather small. He supposed they were only small to him, since they seemed to suit his older brother perfectly, though he often complained about the lack of food-filled pantries. Giggling softly, he tiptoed out the bedroom as best he could and shut the door, walking into the small living room and sitting on the floor next to the couch.

Al unhooked his helmet and allowed the tiny kitten to crawl out, cradling it in one hand as he relatched his head. He slowly stroked its downy-looking fur, wishing painfully that he could feel its softness.

'In time...' he thought, as he watched the kitten close its eyes and curl up in the hard leather palms of his hands. 'In time...'

Edward moaned softly as he sensed something gently carressing his bared chest. At the same time, he vaguely felt a heaviness on his legs...as if something was sitting on them.

'What's going on...?'

'Must be a dream...'

'Mmm...a nice dream...'

But as he felt his hands being pinned above his head and he heard the whisper of his name in an all-too-familiar voice, he realized that something wasn't right. His eyes cracked open, his mind steeped in exhaustion as he peered wearily into the early morning darkness that invaded the room.

There was definitely something there.

But what? He froze, muscles tensing as he widened his eyes further, hoping yet fearing to see whatever was on him...whatever had removed his jacket and two shirts and was now touching his chest...the gentle ministrations had felt good when he thought it was a dream, but since they were now real, he was paralyzed with fear.

Suddenly, and with heart-stopping horror, he saw who was perched on his legs.

The slender, pale body winding above his own.

The long, dark hair that brushed against his skin.

The eyes, glinting like a cat's from the meager light that filtered in from the window.


At first Edward didn't quite know what to do. He had never woken to any of his enemies sitting on his legs and stroking him. Edward's mind went in several places, all in different phases of distress and panic.


On me...

Does that rhyme?



I thought we already established that.


Yes, Envy. He's your enemy, and he's sitting on you. Deal with him.





The alchemist's metal kneecap caught the Sin in the stomach, and as Envy's thin hands unwound from around Ed's wrists, an Automail fist slammed into Envy's cheek, knocking him off Ed and onto the boy's discarded jacket and shirts. A flash of blue light briefly illuminated the room and Edward leapt from the bed, planted his feet firmly onto the floor, the blade extended from his right arm pointed at Envy and ready to draw some homunculus blood.

Edward lunged forward and Envy rolled aside, tripping the alchemist with a simple flick of his foot and catching him, slim arms winding around him. Envy stroked Edward's braided hair with one hand, the other latched firmly to Ed's waist.

"Wassamatter, O'Chibi-chan?" the Sin purred, rolling on top of Ed and pinning him down. "Don't like my company?"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Edward roared, struggling against the inhuman strength of the homunculus.

"Just thought I'd drop by," Envy answered with the barest hint of a shrug. He leant down and brushed his cheek against Ed's, whispering in his ear, "We haven't seen each other in so long, after all..."

"THAT'S BECAUSE WE HATE EACH OTHER!" the alchemist thrashed wildly against the thin body on top of him. "WHAT ARE YOU--agh!" Edward's eyes suddenly went wide as he felt Envy's hands gently knead the skin on his chest. "W-what are you...STOP THAT!"

Edward was relieved as the bedroom door was suddenly thrown open and light from the living room poured in, silhouetting the huge metal form of Alphonse.

"Nii-san! What's--" the armor finally realized that his brother was not on the bed where he left him. It took a few more moments to process the fact that his big brother Edward was now laying on the floor with a dangerous homunculus straddling his waist. "Envy?"

"Oi, Elric," the Sin answered, leaning back away from Edward, hands resting on Edward's arms. "How's it goin?"

"Uh..." Al, everyone agreed, did not frequently jump the gun as Ed did. Envy seemed to be acting perfectly civil, even if hewas perched on the hips of a horrified-looking Edward. Therefore, though he did take a fighting stance, Alphonse did not shove his foot into Envy's stomach, much to Edward's disappointment. "Good...I guess...um...why are you sitting on my brother?"

"Oh, that," Envy grinned cheerfully and stood up. The interruption of the younger Elric boy was not a problem in his mind. In fact, he had counted on it. It would be hard, but he would have to be kind to O'Chibi's little...well, big...sibling. Envy knew how deeply Edward loved Alphonse...if he were to do something to endanger, or even upset, the younger boy, his chances in seducing Ed would be shot, no matter what. "I was just in the neighborhood, so..."

"SO!" Edward jumped to his feet, hastily shoving his arms through his tank top, and staring up at Envy with a comically terrified scowl. "SO, YOU WERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND YOU JUST DECIDED TO DROP BY AND UNDRESS ME!"

"I left your pants on," Envy pointed out.

"Wha...RAAAUGGGH!" Edward lunged toward Envy, who jumped backwards onto the windowsill, his pale body tinged blue by moonlight and framed by the gauzy, wind-blown curtains.

"Don't be so sore about it, O'Chibi. Tell ya what, next time I'll warn you beforehand that I'm going to undress you," he said with a toothy grin. Edward stared at him, baffled.

Is he joking?

He has to be!

The Sin shot Alphonse a surprisingly polite smile. "Keep your brother under control, Elric. Really," and with that, he backflipped out the open window, disappearing into the darkness.

Edward ran to the window and peered out, clutching the sill so hard that the wood under his right hand began to splinter. Alphonse looked down at his brother.

"What do you think that was all about?" he asked. Edward clenched his eyes shut and shuddered in disgust.

"I don't even wanna know."

And so ends chapter one. Love me, hate me...comment, flame me...