Category - TA
Spoilers - Empedocles
Keywords - Mulder/Scully UST, Mulder POV, Mulder angst
Summary -- Mulder's thoughts about a little girl that stole his heart long ago and how he can feel the pain Doggett is going through
Archive - Just tell me where
Disclaimer - Don't own them, don't want to (as much as I love them)
Feedback - Would be greatly appreciated : )
Written 6-4-01 to 6-22-01
I see Agent Doggett's car approaching in the distance and I try to collect myself. I swipe at my eyes, wiping away the stray tears found there. Agent Reyes had called me and I only arrived about ten minutes ago. I looked at the body and I saw it. I saw what she had been talking about. A grotesquely burnt body. I looked away for a second, stunned and when I looked back again it was gone. I hid my confusion and horror from everyone. With this guy still on the loose, Scully pregnant and helpless I couldn't let her or the baby be in any danger from my actions. I look at Agent Doggett as he gets out of his car.
"What am I doing here?" Doggett questions me.
"Been asking myself that same question Agent Doggett, but it seems the tenacious Agent Reyes does not want to let go of this one."
"What?" he basically demanded.
"We got a murder victim out here. A woman found shot. She thinks it's by the same man who killed those two people down in New Orleans. This Jeb Dukes," I explain this as we walk towards Reyes.
"What does she want from me?"
"She wants to know if you can see it too. What she's been seeing."
"I told you, there's no connection." I can see him trying to hide the emotions behind a cool exterior. I know what he feels like.
"Agent Doggett," Reyes says when we finally reach her. Doggett braces himself and walks over to look at the body. At last he gives his verdict.
"I'm sorry Agent Reyes, I don't see it." He walks away, towards me passing me by.
"I think you do." Doggett turns around. "You're just too afraid to go there."
"Whoo. You just keep shooting 'till you hit something don't ya." I have to say something to defend him. She doesn't know what its like to lose somebody you love with all your heart.
"You would rather blind yourself to the connections but I can't." She keeps on talking, why does she keep on talking? Could she just leave the man alone? He doesn't see it and he won't so drop the subject, lady.
"You keep talking about theses connections, these connections to what, to who?" Doggett inquires.
"What if this is a thread of evil connecting through time through men through opportunities, connecting to you. In India, Africa, Iran, in the Middle East, in the Far East most of the world they take it as a give in; they see evil in death the way other people see God in a rose." I can see what she's talking about, but she annoys me so much.
"I saw Elvis in a potato chip once." Again I am trying to lighten the mood with horrible jokes. Maybe it is just a defensive device, who knows? She gives me a look.
"You know what I'm talking about."
"Yes I do, I do. But if this man doesn't see it he doesn't see it, right?" I had to leave them staring at each other. The emotions were still too raw for me.
As I walk away I keep thinking about how she doesn't know when to quit. I want to scream at her saying "He lost his son, leave him alone you bitch," but I think better of it. I feel his pain, so to speak. His son's case hits close to home, a little too close. As I make my way towards the car I feel an urge to tell them that I am leaving, so I do.
"I gotta go visit Scully. Call me if you need me," I yell to them but hopefully they won't call. I leave before I can start crying again. I think about her all the way to the hospital, Michelle. She was only a little girl, only four. Tears keep streaming down my face as I think of this little girl who stole my heart.
Diana was pregnant with Michelle when I met her. She wasn't very far along, only about two months. I wasn't scared of the responsibilities that came with loving Diana. The months that she was pregnant were amazing; it felt like she was having my child. Eventually, in her seventh month Diana asked me if I wanted my name on the birth certificate as the father. I declined graciously, feeling that I wasn't the fatherly type, besides I really wasn't the father and that is what I used on my basis for saying no.
The baby was born a few weeks later and since I was the Lamaze partner I was there for the whole show. I almost passed out from seeing the pain on Diana's face. Then, when I heard Michelle screaming I thought it was music. Immediately I felt attached to this child and wished I had agreed to put my name on the birth certificate. See I did love Diana once, but I still love Michelle. I couldn't stand to be away from the baby longer than two days.
I got so scared that Diana would take Michelle away from me that I proposed marriage a year later. At this point I didn't love Diana anymore I found her to be a selfish bitch. I had been an insomniac when I met Diana but when we fell in love it went away. I guess it has to do with being in love or something. About two months after the birth Diana kept threatening to take Michelle away from me whenever I did something to upset her. I became an insomniac once again. I was afraid that she would take Michelle away during the night and I still proposed. I'm an idiot, but after the marriage our relationship became blissful again. I went back to sleeping through the nights and loving my wife and child. The reason Scully doesn't know about Michelle is that I never adopted her so none of her records are linked to mine or vice versa.
Our marriage began to deteriorate when Michelle turned three. We fought often and about everything. Then disaster struck. I remember the night perfectly. I had heard some creaking from the second floor where Michelle slept and decided to check on her. If she was up then I would have something to do. I went in search of the short brown eyed and dark haired little girl but what I found will live in my memory forever. She wasn't in her room and there were signs of a break-in.
"Shit," I said hoping that somehow she had hidden herself. I ran downstairs to get my gun and went back to her room. "Michelle," I called out quietly. "Michelle." Suddenly there was movement behind me and before I could turn around to defend I was knocked out with what I was later told to be, as monkey wrench. As I blacked out I heard Michelle calling out.
"Daddy! Help!" Then the black consumed my vision. Later I awoke to
Diana pounding on me with her fists…
"You let her go," she cried. "My baby girl, you let him take her."
"Diana," I yelled trying to get her attention. I had a concussion and there was blood leaking from my head. If she had kept on hitting me I wouldn't have been able to help in the search for Michelle. "Diana," I said again. There were tears in my eyes.
"You lost her, you bastard!" I sat up from my position on the floor and grabbed her shoulders to stop her from hitting me.
"Diana." She finally looked at me. Immediately I felt the effects of my sitting up to quickly and I dropped back down. Before I blacked out once again I told her what was on my mind. "I didn't lose her." Next thing I knew I was in the hospital. The hospital visit was horrible. When I finally awoke it was in the middle of a cat scan. Let's just say that was a disaster. Anyway because I was such a bad patient they let me out the next day with a perfect bill of health.
After that Diana and I threw ourselves into the case. Diana was not allowed on the case due to her being Michelle's mother but she helped me anyway. I remember the day we found Michelle. It's a good thing I am turning into the hospital parking lot now because I couldn't think of this part without causing an accident. I park but I am not ready to get out of the car so I just sit there with my thoughts. The day we found Michelle should have been filled with rejoicing instead it was filled with grief.
It had been two long weeks of tracking down this serial killer, Brian Kalaza. I had figured out the profile in a week. I should have figured it out sooner but I didn't. It's my fault that we didn't find Michelle in time. Kalaza had walked out back to get some water while we were surrounding the premises. He must have figured out that something was out of place because he dropped his pail and ran inside the house before we could get a sniper set up to shoot him. A while later we positioned ourselves and stormed the house. If I knew what awaited us inside I would have held the raid off a little longer, this way I would not have to see Michelle die.
Kalaza had Michelle in the basement. He had the gun aimed at her head. I came down to see this sight when I heard her screaming. Upon coming into her field of vision Michelle began yelling for me.
"Daddy," she cried. "Daddy please help me."
"Just stay there honey," I replied trying to soothe her. "Just stay there." I had come downstairs with two other male agents; we were all trying to calm Michelle and her captor.
"Which one's her father?" Kalaza questioned. "Which one of you? Tell me or I'll shoot her."
"Me," I replied stepping forward slowly. "I'm her father." Immediately he took the gun away from her head and shot me in the leg. Unfortunately before the two other men could shoot Kalaza his gun was aimed at Michelle again and he shot her in the stomach, probably one of the most painful ways to die. I heard the agents shoot at Kalaza and in about five seconds he was dead. I made my way towards Michelle, ignoring the pain in my leg. She looked up at me through glazed eyes. She was so brave.
"Daddy," she said. "It hwurts."
"You're going to be ok, baby." I cradled her head and kissed her face. "You just have to be strong and you'll be ok. I love you very much Michelle and Mommy loves you too." I was sobbing. I knew Michelle was dying and there was nothing anyone could do. I would never see my baby girl alive again.
"I love you and Mommy too, Daddy," she replied crying from the pain. "Daddy," she said to me.
"The man over there says I have to go away now," she spoke looking at the corner. "He says that if I go with him the pain will go away and I can become an angel. Daddy I'm not allowed to go with strangers. Is this ok?" I look to the corner trying to locate this man she was talking about but no one was there.
"Yeah baby, go with him" I replied knowing that whatever she was hallucinating I had to let her go. The agents in the room stand awkwardly watching me say goodbye to Michelle. I look back at Michelle's little face. "He also says to tell you that it is not your fault. Bye Daddy, I gots to go. I love you." With that finally sentence she passed out and the paramedics finally came to take her away from me. She died later that night after an operation that was intended to save her life. Diana blamed me. I blamed myself.
I finally get out of the car and wipe the tears out of my eyes and face. Diana tried to burn all the photos of Michelle and I but I took them before her hand could ruin them. The photos are still in a box under my bed. I look at them now and then. No one knows about Michelle but I think I should tell Scully. I should tell Scully because I am not an insomniac with Scully.