Author's Note: I suppose everyone already knows that I don't own Naruto... So, what else should I say... um... I don't do crack but if I did, I might have written this afterwards?
Hope you enjoy.
"Sasuke! Let's bathe together!"
The whole world seemed to freeze as one startled Uchiha turned to stare incredulously at a rather eager dobe. Nearby, Sakura had fainted, foaming at the mouth, while Kakashi had actually dropped his precious copy of Icha Icha in surprise. Even the wind, also lost in shock, had stopped sweeping over the training grounds.
The blonde boy blinked, looking around in confusion at the overwrought reactions from his teammates. He began to gnaw his lip worriedly – wondering if he'd done something wrong – and was about to maybe mitigate his offer when one flushed Uchiha managed to choke out.
Naruto blinked again, his incomprehensibly blue eyes glazed with uncertainty.
"Er, because, we are both dirty from training and we can, er, er…"
Naruto paused to lick his lips. Briefly, the blonde boy seemed to loose his stream of consciousness and rocked on his heels. Then, he glanced up again and, bright-eyed, chirped:
"We can rub down each others' backs!"
One Uchiha Sasuke pitched uncharacteristically backwards, blood streaming from both his nostrils.
Thirty minutes later…
A crimson Sasuke, his nosebleed dammed with tissue, stood stiffly in front of the bathhouse with an enthusiastic Naruto. The blonde had walked all the way here happily babbling about bathing products, but the Uchiha couldn't concentrate on the kitsune's words. Instead, Sasuke's dark eyes had roamed over Naruto's orange jump suit, his mind busily anticipating how, in the next short minutes, the superfluous outfit would be off and Naruto would bare all.
Licking his lips, Sasuke closed his eyes and politely thanked the magical god of communal bathing.
"Er." Naruto's flood of words suddenly stopped and Sasuke could detect – could it be? – a faint blush of embarrassment on the kitsune's tan face. "So, we can, er, go in, now?"
Sasuke nodded nonchalantly and would have looked as cool as ever had it not been for the fact that his eyes were locked on a certain blonde's backside.
After paying for the baths, each boy got a towel. As Sasuke quickly moved toward the men's locker rooms, he suddenly realized that Naruto was not at his side. Looking around frantically, the Uchiha spotted Naruto just before the kitsune stepped into the girls' locker rooms.
Speedily collaring the little blonde, Sasuke blurted, "What are you doing?"
Naruto blinked and, for a minute, looked confused. Then he blushed darkly.
"I, er, I…" The blonde looked deliciously adorable as he offered his teammate a sheepish grin. "Er, male hormones?"
Rolling his eyes, Sasuke dragged Naruto into the boys' locker rooms.
Stupid Naruto. How dare he try to ruin Sasuke's fantasy-come-to-life? Why couldn't he stop being a dobe for once in his goddamn life so Sasuke could fully appreciate the glorious god of communal bathing and what He was finally granting to a much-worthy, much-grateful Uchiha?
As an embarrassed Naruto and a muttering Sasuke stepped into the locker rooms, a thick male voice greeted them.
"Oho! Sasuke and Naruto!"
Sasuke swiveled around to see a dripping, freshly bathed Asuma drying his dark hair with one hand while waving another hand toward the two boys. Sasuke nodded his acknowledgment at the burly Jounin and indifferently turned to start undressing. Naruto, however, had a different reaction.
"Is something wrong?" Asuma asked, arching a curious eyebrow.
Sasuke looked. Naruto was standing shakily, knees locked, and covering his open mouth with both hands. The blonde's wide blue eyes were glued on a certain part of Asuma's anatomy - the part that defined the Jounin as a (big) man. Sasuke tsked irritably and was wondering if he should mention to Naruto that what he lacked in the older man's size he could make up with force when Naruto suddenly slapped his hands over his eyes and screamed at the top of his lungs.
With that, Naruto's fist solidly connected with a confused Asuma's jaw that sent the older man crashing into the wall. As soon as the punch was delivered, Naruto dove into Sasuke's arms and buried his hot face against the crook of the Uchiha's neck.
"What the fuck was that for?" Asuma roared, furiously getting to his feet to punish the insolent dobe. And stopped.
Sasuke was glaring at the older man pointedly, his eyes clearing relaying the message, 'interrupt and die.' Naruto was currently sniffling, his face buried again Sasuke's pale skin, and muttering incoherently about 'virgin eyes' and 'hentai sensei'. The Uchiha comfortingly stroked the smaller boy's back with one hand while his other rested oh-so-casually on Naruto's butt.
Ten minutes later…
Naruto stared into the full-length mirror, one hand running down his bare, tan chest.
"So smooth." The kitsune breathed, licking his lips appreciatively. "I'm fucking glossy."
Careful to hold his towel tied around his waist in place, the blonde slowly twirled around to admire his slick shoulder blades and then faced front again to pat his well-toned stomach. The kitsune stuck out one long, slender leg to swing it tauntingly at the mirror.
"Ooh. I'm delicious." Naruto murmured. "Who ever knew Narutos were so, so tasty looking?"
"Are you done being a narcissist so we can bathe already?"
Naruto swiveled around to see Sasuke staring at him with a faint blush on his face. Correction: Naruto swiveled around to see Sasuke – wearing nothing but a towel and nearly glowing in ivory wonder – staring at him with a faint blush on his face. And the kitsune lost his ability to form words in his mouth.
"Sa-Sasuke-kun." Naruto breathed, glancing shyly at the floor. "I…"
The Uchiha's dark eyebrows shot up on his forehead as the kitsune trailed off quietly. Did his ears deceive him or had Naruto just called him Sasuke-kun? Approaching the blonde, the raven-haired boy tried to scrutinize his teammate's expression. However, at his approach, Naruto just backed away shyly.
"Mmmnnn, Sasuke-kun." Naruto looked up and quickly averted his eyes, a pink blush claiming his cheeks. "So pretty…"
Yes, Uchiha. Sasuke told himself firmly. Yes, you are delusional. Not only did Naruto call you Sasuke-kun, but he thinks you are pretty as well. But gawd! If Sasuke had known seventh heaven really just equaled schizophrenia, he would have climbed into the loony bin as soon as he hit puberty and realized his sexual epitome was screwing Naruto senseless on a kitchen table.
Hoping he wouldn't wake up from his delusions any time soon, Sasuke leaned down to whisper throatily into the blushing kitsune's ear, "Aren't we going to wash, Naruto-kun?"
Naruto flushed and stared at his feet, bobbing his head up and down furiously. Smirking, Sasuke turned to lead the way to the bathes when Naruto suddenly blurted.
Sasuke turned to face Naruto and lifted a curious eyebrow.
"Ano… Sa-Sasuke-kun… Can… May I…um…" Naruto's breath was speeding up. Finally, the kitsune managed to choke out.
Yes, schizophrenia was a blessed thing and, yes, insanity was largely under-rated.
"Sure." Sasuke managed, his mind drowning in bliss, "Touch anything you like."
For the first time, the sexual innuendo was not lost on the kitsune and Naruto flushed again at the remark. Carefully, as if Sasuke might shatter, the blonde lifted one long, tan finger and ghosted it down Sasuke's arm.
Sasuke nearly purred at the touch.
"You have nice skin, Sasuke-kun." Naruto spoke up quietly, his fingers trailing gently along Sasuke's collarbone and tickling down Sasuke's chest. Sasuke closed his eyes, happily. "How can you have such perfect skin when all I see you do is train with that – that – "
Suddenly, Naruto's hand flew off Sasuke's skin. Sasuke opened his eyes to look at the kitsune, annoyed that he'd stopped touching him, to see that the blonde had slapped the hand over his own mouth to silence himself. Sasuke raised an eyebrow quizzically.
"Er, we should bathe, Sasuke-ku – Sasuke!" Naruto blubbered, his eyes darting around wildly. "Right now or – or the water will get cold!"
"Baka, water doesn't get cold in communal ba-" Sasuke began, wanting to get back to what they'd been doing. It was his delusion, after all, and he never said he was ready for it to finish.
"No, but, we – we can get cold." Naruto stated firmly. "Let's go!"
With that, Naruto streaked out of the locker rooms for the bathes. Sasuke followed, appeased that Naruto was still half-naked and thought up three hundred and sixty-seven ways off the top of his head as how this evening could still get even better.
Ten minutes later…
Sasuke stretched in the hot tub, drinking in the warm steams of the bathes. Next to him, Naruto sat forlornly in the tub. Sasuke blinked. Was he mistaken or did Naruto – Uzumaki Naruto – actually look self-conscious?
That moment, Naruto turned to eye Sasuke squarely. For a while, Naruto bit his lip as if in brief contemplation then blurted, "I'm sorry I touched you, Sasuke."
Naruto went on, not realizing his words caused Sasuke's eyes to nearly pop out in horror, "And if it makes you feel any better, I promise I won't touch you again."
Sasuke blanched. Make him feel better? Was there anything Naruto could possibly say that'd make him feel worse?
"I'll never ever touch you like that again."
Okay, so it just got worse.
"I'm so straight." Naruto stated firmly, nodding his head seriously. "In fact, I'm so straight that I make a ruler jealous."
Should Sasuke drown himself in the bathwater or just bite his tongue?
"So, you can trust me, Sasuke." Naruto said, determination shining from his blue eyes, "You can trust me completely. Any secrets you might have are safe with me."
Sasuke could almost hear the god of communal bathing laughing and decided that he'd not give that traitor the pleasure of claiming Sasuke's life. Biting his tongue it was, then. After all, was life worth living if Naruto was, choke, straight? Especially life where a heterosexual Naruto swore that he'd never touch Sasuke?
No. Not even a question.
"Now that we have that little matter of trust out of the way," Naruto began, seemingly relieved, "I wanna ask you a question, Sasuke."
Sasuke didn't answer, suicide being his main objective that moment.
"What do you think about Ino?"
"WHAT?" Sasuke asked, staring wide-eyed at Naruto.
"Yamanaka Ino." Naruto went on, hope glowing from his peerless blue eyes, "You know. The really, really, really pretty blonde girl with a practically model-like body? The one who's so much sexier than Sakura that you won't believe it?"
Sasuke's jaw had nearly hit the bath water. Did Naruto say Ino was really, really, really pretty when he only thought Sasuke was pretty? Did Naruto just comment on someone(who was not Sasuke)'s body? And did Naruto link Ino with sex after stating that he was straight and would never touch Sasuke?
There was only one answer to said question.
Sasuke's self introduction, re-edited:
I'm Uchiha Sasuke. I have one wish: It is to kill a certain woman. Namely Yamanaka Ino. With her out of the way, I'll kidnap Naruto and move to the Netherlands where not only will it be legal for us to get married but we can get government subsidies…
"Earth to Sasuke, earth to Sasuke." Naruto waved a hand in Sasuke's face.
In reply, Sasuke sighed deeply.
"You know, Naruto. I'm an avenger."
Naruto paled.Gawh! Not this again!
"I will kill a certain person." Sasuke went on, darkly.
"But Sasuke! You already killed Itachi, remember?" Naruto pleaded desperately.
"Who says anything about Itachi?" Sasuke growled.
"Yamanaka Ino." Sasuke hissed.
"You wanna kill Ino?" Naruto's eyebrows shot up. "Why?"
Sasuke looked at Naruto pointedly. "I hate Ino." If he was anyone else, he would have added, 'duh'.
At that Naruto, visibly flinched. Finally, the kitsune said in a tight voice. "As much as Itachi?"
"No." Sasuke said curtly. "Much more than Itachi."
"Why?" Naruto yelped, standing up and out of the water in his disgruntlement. "What's wrong with Ino?"
Sasuke looked up at the kitsune, huffing and puffing down at him, and set his mouth in a stiff frown.
"C'mon!" Naruto whined, frantic now. "Tell me!"
Why did Naruto care whether Sasuke liked Ino or not? Could it be that Naruto wanted to… wanted to…
Get your head out of the gutters, Uchiha! Naruto does not want to have a threesome, Naruto does not want to have a threesome, Naruto does not want to have a threesome…
"Why should I like Ino?" Sasuke snarled, dismissing promiscuous images reluctantly.
And in the next minute, Naruto was straddled on Sasuke's lap. Pushing his face close to the bigger boy's, the kitsune shrieked.
"Because I love you, you big insensitive jerk! I loved you forever and ever but you like Sakura more than me and pay more attention to her! That's not fair! Not fair at all! I liked you longer than forehead girl – hell, all I ever wanted since I hit puberty was for you to screw me senseless and you – you don't like me!"
Sasuke stared up in shock at Naruto – on his lap – and swallowed loudly. The whole bathhouse stared in shock at Naruto – straddling Sasuke's lap – and swallowed loudly.
And Naruto swallowed too, once he realized what he'd just said.
"Ha, ha, Sa-Sasuke…" Naruto laughed awkwardly. "I, er, I can explain this situation. Just, er, just give me a minute…"
But Sasuke was beyond listening, his eyelids at half-mast.
"You were really just jealous of Sakura?" Sasuke said, one hand now balancing on Naruto's chest. "All this time?"
Naruto's eyes flew open. "Sa-sasuke-kun, I, er, I…"
Trying to scoot off the Uchiha's lap, the blonde's hand felt something that definitely wasn't that size before.
"Ah, er, ah," Naruto gasped, stringent realization dawning, "Sa-sasuke-kun, you, er, your, er…"
"You can definitely touch there." Sasuke murmured, entrapping Naruto by hugging the blonde's slim waist close.
"I dun wanna touch there!" Naruto wailed. "Actually, I do – but not right – GYAAAHH!"
And Ino realized her advanced Shintenshin no Jutsu had gone horribly, horribly wrong.
A flash later…
Ino returned to her own body, hidden in the bushes. Her mind was reeling. She'd discovered a way to extend her mind-transfer jutsu so that she could stay in someone's body for an extended amount of time. On finding out her new ability, the first thing the blonde girl had wanted to do was use it to find out what Sasuke-kun's feelings for her were. Or, that was the second thing that the blonde girl had wanted to do. (The first being getting to see Sasuke-kun naked.)
And who was the best person to change into than Naruto, Sasuke-kun's male teammate? All Ino had to do was casually invite Sasuke-kun to the bathhouse – didn't guys go to bathhouses together? – and ever so naturally bring up the topic of herself and how Sasuke felt.
Easy as cake.
But Ino had kinda realized something might've been wrong when impassive Sasuke-kun had near leapt out of his skin in ecstasies when Ino – as Naruto – had brought up the topic of going to the bathhouse. Maybe guys didn't go to bathhouses together too often to giggle about their secret feelings... maybe?! Anyway, her doubts had been confirmed just a split second prior when Sasuke-kun had jumped Naruto, thinking that it had been the kitsune who made the confession…
Ino swallowed dryly. Maybe it was good to give Sasuke-kun up – especially, if he didn't have heterosexual tendencies.
After all, Asuma was…
A day later…
"Oho, Naru-kun," Kakashi catcalled the passing kitsune, perched on a tree, "I heard you and Sasu-kun did naughty, naughty things yesterday night at the bathhouse all night long."
"D-Did not!" Naruto yelled up, blushing for all he was worth. "Lies! I swear!"
With that, Naruto attempted to limp away from his leering teacher. Kakashi leapt off the branch and easily caught up with the kitsune (on account that Naruto's hips seemed to be paralyzed).
"Then what's this?" Kakashi pointed at an extended teeth mark on Naruto's forearm.
"I, er, I bit myself in my sleep." Naruto fabricated through clenched teeth.
"Then what is this?" Kakashi brandished a mirror and Naruto saw that his reflection had two prominent kiss marks decorating his jaw.
"I'm going to kill Sasuke as soon as I can walk again." Naruto growled, silencing Kakashi's howl with a vehement punch.
Stupid Uchiha – gah!
Not where everybody can see, damnit!
In another part of town…
Sakura opened her front door and was delighted to see a grinning Sasuke standing on her doorsteps.
"S-Sasuke-kun?" The pink-haired girl gasped. "What are you doing here?"
"Two things." The Uchiha said hastily.
Sasuke-kun was talking to her? Sakura pinched herself, wondering if she was dreaming. Nope, he was still here. And he looked happy.
"First, I want to thank you for getting me and Naruto together." Sasuke said breezily, not realizing he was out of character (love does that to people, okay?).
Sakura blinked and even Inner Sakura could only utter, 'WTF'.
"Two, from now on I'm going to avoid you like the plague because my paying even limited attention to you annoys Naruto." The Uchiha finished cheerfully. "Sayonara!"
Full two minutes ticked by before Sakura could register what her beloved had told her.
"Wait! Sasuke-kun!" Sakura raced after the raven-haired boy. "WAIT! WHAT? WHY NARUTO?"
In another part of town…
A suggestively limping Naruto sneezed and blamed it on Sasuke because he'd somehow dragged him to a bathhouse – that hentai! – to molest him. Why couldn't the Uchiha do it more conventionally…
On a kitchen table or something?