Garet's Crack Stories
By Joker's Specter


Could. Not. Resist. Credit for the case idea goes to Dracobolt.
-Joker



Disclaimer:
Golden Sun is owned by Nintendo and Camelot.


After Hama escaped and Garet settled down, the kids returned to being a little frightened. While Hama's interruption had definitely been fun, the tension in the air was much stronger than before now that Garet was frustrated. A few veins could be seen poking out of his forehead in the flickering light cast from the fire.

When Garet was frustrated, one poor soul usually suffered. In Vale's plaza, while dancing with her friends, a chill ran up Mia's spine. She wasn't sure why, but she felt like something bad was going to happen.

Back at the fire pit, Garet growled, "Okay kids. Now that the basket case is gone, I'm going to tell you a story about Mia." It wasn't that he disliked Mia, but she was definitely the easiest to tease and take his irritation out on. Plus, it was hilarious, and often made him feel better.

"Our story begins with my Jupiter Adept friend, Sheba."

!-Private Investigator Sheba and the Case of the Missing Babydaddy-!

Sheba was bored. Bored and broke. It wasn't a good combination for any person, let alone a person with powerful elemental abilities. The second time the young girl was told to stop chasing cats with whirlwinds, she decided that she needed a job. That's how the young Jupiter Adept wound up as a private investigator.

Or, rather, she wouldn't settle for anything less. A few people offered her jobs, but after traveling around the world and then saving it, it just didn't seem fitting to take a job as silly as a waitress or errand girl. And the offer to clean an outhouse was just downright offensive.

"There, finished!" Sheba exclaimed. She stood back and observed her work, having just erected a sign over her little stand that she hastily built. The words "Private Investigator Sheba" were scrawled in messy, bright paint. The still-wet paint ran over the lower portion of the sign, which said, "No case too small if you can pay. Favors accepted."

She once had a fantasy of everyone in Vale owing her a favor. Could the detective business be the stepping stone to that dream? Possibly, but she would rather take money as her first choice. With money she could buy favors.

Her first case came almost immediately when Garet ran up, yelling out the name of his cat.

"Jean-Luc Picarrrrd! Where are yoooouuuu?!" he called in a sing-song tone. "Heeeerrrrre kitty kitty kitty kittyyyyy!"

"Hey Garet," Sheba said with a small wave from her seat.

Garet froze and looked at Sheba's stand. The wood that made up the small desk looked like it was stolen from an outhouse, and her chair was nothing more than a tree stump. It was clear she picked her location based on that stump.

"'Private investigator'?" Garet said.

"Yes."

"When did this happen?"

Sheba stretched. "Oh, just now. Wanna hire me?"

Garet looked at the messy sign again. "Um...what do you mean by 'favors accepted'?" he asked hesitantly.

With a smile, Sheba said, "It's easy. I solve the case, and you owe me a favor that you can't back out of."

Garet folded his arms and seemed to consider that. "That seems fair. But what if you ask me to do something ridiculous, like kill somebody?"

"I probably won't do that."

"Hm... I see..." Garet murmured with a light nod. "I'm reasonably interested in what you have to offer, but how can I know you'll be successful?"

Sheba's smile grew to a big grin. "For you my friend, I guarantee success."

Garet walked up to the desk and held out his hand. "I'll take two!" he stated.

"...what?"

"I mean--we have a deal!" Garet corrected himself.

The Jupiter Adept was elated. Her first case! She grabbed Garet's hand and shook it. "You'll be paying by favor, then?"

"Uh huh. I need to save up, so all my money is put away," Garet said, still shaking Sheba's hand.

Sheba was silent for a moment as she focused her psynergy. "Ahh. You're broke, too," she finally said with a knowing smile.

Garet yanked his hand away from Sheba and glared at her. "I always forget about that..."

"Okay, sounds like we have a deal then. Case accepted. Your cat is up in that tree," Sheba said, pointing to a tree about a hundred yards away.

"Jean-Luc Picard! How did he get up there?" Garet inquired as they ran over to the tree.

Sheba had an emotional flashback to the time--thirty minutes earlier, in fact--that she used whirlwind and flung the cat into the tree. "Oh, probably climbed," she lied.

When Garet got Jean-Luc Picard out of the tree, the cat hissed at Sheba and ran away toward Garet's house. Garet called after him, saying, "Mom has your dinner out!" The large Mars Adept then turned to Sheba with a wide grin. "Thanks Sheba, I guess I owe you one."

"You do," Sheba confirmed. After an uncomfortable silent moment where the young girl seemed to be concentrating on something, she then added slowly, "I...think I know just what to have you do for me."

Garet winced. "This soon? Should I brace myself?"

Smiling sweetly up at him, Sheba said, "Only if you don't like me."

Staring at Sheba, Garet tried to put two and two together. His cheeks reddened as he came to a conclusion. "You...want...those type of favors?"

Sheba read his mind, then slapped him. "No, idiot. I want you to become my assistant in the detective business!" she said. "All good private investigators need an assistant to explain their reasoning to. Plus, I need someone to do the odd jobs."

Garet looked bewildered. "Wait, you're hiring me? What type of odd jobs?" he asked apprehensively.

"Oh, you know, the usual."

As it turned out, "the usual" consisted of tearing down the stand and rebuilding it until Sheba deemed it perfect, doing lunch runs every day (to Kay or his mom), and finding cases around Vale. There were more things, but they were so boring that Garet fell asleep a few times in the process of completing them, and thus are not worth mentioning.

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

The first few days were terribly slow, and Sheba almost had to close down business for good. Aside from a few old ladies who thought the idea was cute but had no mystery, and a man who thought it was a lemonade stand, nobody stopped by. Sheba even had Garet chase down a few people, but that proved to be no luck either as they locked themselves in their houses and refused to come out.

Their first big break came when they found out Mia had a baby. Apparently it was a surprise to everybody.

"It's funny... I thought she was just getting fat," Garet whispered to Sheba while shaking his head.

So did Mia by the look of things. The detective duo had taken the afternoon off to visit the Mercury Adept at the sanctum. Sheba observed the situation, noting that she didn't particularly like the little blob they called a baby. "He's cute," she said. Her elbow found its way into Garet's ribs.

"Cute," Garet mimicked with a grunt of pain.

"Thanks, both of you," Mia said with a small, pathetic smile. Her usually beaming face seemed depressed. She cradled the baby closer to her.

Sheba sat in a chair next to the blue-haired girl's bed. "What's the problem, Mia?"

Mia looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. "I...don't think the baby will ever know who his father is."

Having desperately been searching for a case, Sheba jumped right on the chance to help Mia. "A missing daddy? It sounds like you need our help," Sheba said with a nod. "We're running a detective agency."

"Well, no, he wouldn't be missing... All the, er, candidates are here."

Sheba looked back at her assistant. "Here? In this room?" she asked.

"Whoa, don't look at me!" Garet said, raising his hands and backing away.

"No, no, in Vale," Mia corrected. "I'm, um...unsure of them all, or which one is the father."

"That raises a lot of questions," Sheba said while rubbing her chin.

Mia bit her lip. "I'll pay well if we can skip those."

Jumping to her feet, Sheba stuck her hand out before Garet could stop her. "Private Eye Sheba, at your service!"

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

Sheba and Garet exited the sanctum while looking over a list that Mia had written up for them. Each of the many names on the list were people Mia had been intimate with in the past year since they all moved to Vale. It was quite a long list.

"I notice you're not on the list," Sheba said with a smirk.

Garet shrugged. "I had my chance, but passed on it. She was drunk and looked...diseased. Looks like I made the right choice, based on the amount of people on that list..." He paused, then added, "For her birthday, maybe I'll buy her some panties that say, 'Beware all ye who enter' on the front."

Sheba approved of that idea, but didn't say so. Running her eyes over the list, she decided to start with the obvious people first. "The baby has a few strands of blue hair. That could be from Mia, but let's talk to Piers first, just in case," Sheba decided.

As they walked to the small house that Piers lived in, a thought came to Garet.

"Sheba...how are we supposed to find out who the baby's father is?"

"Good question. Keep it up--that will get you far in this business," Sheba complimented. She tossed Garet a treat, then added, "We're going to use our deductive reasoning to hopefully narrow it down to one guy."

Garet raised an eyebrow while munching on his treat. "And if there's more than one guy?" he asked.

"Then we'll find out who can support her and treat her the best, and claim he's the daddy," the Jupiter Adept stated with a shrug.

"Uh..." Garet rubbed the back of his head and said, "Isn't that wrong?"

Sheba waved the list in front of Garet's face. "I'll tell you what's wrong--teenagers nowadays can't keep it in their pants, that's what's wrong," she said firmly.

Garet couldn't argue with that. He wanted to point out that he and Sheba were teenagers, too, but decided against it. She had told him when training him that assistants weren't mean to offer new perspectives when the lead detective had an idea set in their head. They walked on in silence, until Garet said, "This would make a funny story."

"A story about Mia's sexual adventures?" Sheba asked.

"Yeah, definitely. Her you-know-what must be famous by now, so I'm sure it'd sell a lot. I could call it 'Mia's Kitty'."

Sheba put her palm over her face and sighed.

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

Piers was a lot more cooperative than Sheba had anticipated. The questions she asked didn't seem to phase him very much, either.

"When was the last time you had sex with Mia?" Sheba inquired sharply, staring at Piers.

Shrugging, the Lemurian calmly replied, "I can't say that we've ever had sex, actually."

"But your name is on the list," Garet said. "That means you're a suspect."

Piers grabbed the list from Garet and looked at it quizzically. "Is that so? A suspect for what?"

Sheba snatched the list away from Piers. "For knocking up Mia," she said, offering only a quick explanation.

"'Knocking up Mia'? What do you mean?" Piers asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Impregnating her. Putting a bun in her oven, if you get my drift," Sheba said. She kept her hand near Piers, just in case she had to do a quick mind read.

Piers backed away. "Yeah, yeah. I 'get your drift', Sheba. No, we haven't had sex."

"So why are you on the list?" Garet questioned, tapping the paper in Sheba's hand.

"She was drunk and we fooled around a bit, but it felt weird so I didn't let it go any further," Piers explained. "Plus, us Lemurians are experts at not having intercourse--we'd have hundreds of kids if we gave in to that temptation. Maybe in her drunken state she was under the impression we had sex," he added. When he finished, he ran his hand through his blue hair and glared at the two detectives. "That's all."

Sheba grabbed his hand without asking and read his mind. After a moment, her expression changed to one of disgust. "I guess you're telling the truth. But you're a dirty man anyway--apparently there's a lot you can do other than having intercourse."

Sheba and Garet left Piers' house looking a little more wet than when they entered.

"I really don't think the Douse was necessary," Garet muttered. "Especially on me."

"Whatever. He's innocent, so let's head to our next stop," Sheba said while wringing out her hair.

Garet looked down at the dripping paper in his hand. "Where's our next stop?"

Sheba leaned over and looked at the list. "The blue hair thing is a bust, I guess. We can't really go off of looks, so let's just check whoever is nearest to us now."

Scanning the list, Garet bit his lip. "In that case, I think I want you to handle this next one alone. I don't really want to discuss this with our next suspect."

Sheba looked around and realized where they were. "Kraden?"

"Kraden," Garet confirmed.

They stared at each other, each trying desperately to put walls up around their imagination.

"I'm not sure my stomach can handle that one," Garet said with barely more than a whisper.

Sheba sighed. "Fine, I'll go it alone for this one. In the mean time, I want you to do a lunch run," she said.

For once, Garet was more than happy to do a lunch run. He thrust the list into Sheba's hands and ran off, leaving a very pale Sheba to walk up to Kraden's cottage.

After getting invited in by the energetic old man, Sheba decided that making it quick would be the best thing, and cut right to the chase.

"When was the last time you had sex with Mia?" Sheba asked, her voice louder than she had intended.

Kraden's fuzzy eyebrows shot above his glasses. "Oh ho, my, that was unexpected."

Sheba shut her eyes and asked the question again.

The sage seemed to ponder the question for a moment. Sheba peeked through her eyelids and saw Kraden pulling out a book.

"Let's see..." he said, running a finger over a page he opened up to. "According to my log book, it was during the last town festival. She's a feisty drunk," Kraden chuckled.

Sheba's mind was mostly frozen. She was having a hard time grasping just what the log book could be for, and she didn't even really want to know. Then there was the fact that Kraden didn't deny a thing, which she was hoping for. An explanation like Piers' would've been preferable to what the old man's had been. But nope; it happened. Her mind was just stuck.

"If you're trying to figure out if I'm the father, I'll make it easy for you," Kraden suddenly said, tucking the book into his sleeve. "I'm incapable of having children in my old age. As an added point to consider, I also used protection. The smarter of us men know not to risk disease."

A few wheels in Sheba's head clicked into action, and she nodded very slowly. "Okay. Bye," she said in a deadpan voice, then she wandered out of the house.

Her head shook and she shivered as chills ran over her entire body. Just as she took her first step away from the house, Kraden poked his head out.

"Also, if you're wondering if I've still got it in my old age... Mia agrees with me that I most certainly do!"

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

After a rejuvenating lunch consisting of some of Kay's best work yet (or maybe it just tasted better because Sheba desperately needed to take her mind off of a certain thing), Garet and Sheba moved to their next destination.

"Still no leads..." Garet murmured. "This is getting us nowhere."

Sheba grabbed the list and tore out the names of Piers and Kraden--partially to narrow down the list, but mostly to get rid of the ugly reminders. "We'll just keep going in order of location until we come to the last person on the list," she said while thinking deeply. "It'll probably take a while, and it won't be pretty, but this is the life of a private investigator."

"But...I didn't want this life in the first place," Garet said with a frown.

Waving him off, Sheba said, "Don't worry about it. Once we solve this case things will go smoothly for us. We'll get paid, and people will know to take us seriously."

And with that unbending confidence guiding her, Sheba led Garet to each person on the list. It took all day due to how many people Mia had spread her legs for. Felix, the blacksmith, the creepy old guy who lived by himself, several sages, the milkman, and even the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker were just a few of the men listed. Sheba and Garet were relieved to find Ivan's name absent from the list--at least Mia hadn't robbed the cradle with any underage adepts.

Garet was also happy to see that none of his family were on the list.

"I'm not sure who this guy is. Who's Grant?" he asked while looking over the list again.

Sheba looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You don't know your own dad's name?"

Garet dropped the list. "What?!" he exclaimed. "M-My dad?! But...he's married!"

"Oh, it's okay," Sheba said as she picked up the list. "In parenthesis it says Cindy was involved with them at the time, too." She spun back around to Garet. "You seriously didn't know your dad's name?"

"I just call him dad!" Garet moaned loudly. "And who the heck is Cindy?!"

"Uh. Cindy is your mom."

The shock was too much. Sheba had to revive Garet at the sanctum after that, because he passed out after emptying his lungs with a horrified yell. When he regained consciousness he claimed his life was ruined, and that he'd never be able to look his parents in the face again.

"Eff em ell," he muttered bitterly as they wandered out of the sanctum. "I'm moving out tonight."

Sheba couldn't blame the Mars Adept. She didn't exactly feel comfortable around most Valeans anymore. It was like orgy village or something, and Mia was the town horse. Everybody was riding her.

"I'm just irritated that we haven't had any luck so far. Anybody who matches up with proper intercourse and the correct time used protection," Sheba said quietly. A scowl was spread across her face. "This is getting us nowhere."

"And ruining my life in the process," Garet quipped.

"Quiet. We need to think. Who is the next best suspect?" Sheba asked with a serious tone.

Garet looked at the list. "You know, I've been thinking. Isn't it weird that Isaac's not on the list?"

Sheba's pace suddenly decreased. "That...does...seem to be odd, considering how much time they spend together," she mused.

Suddenly, Garet snapped his fingers. "I've got it! Saturos kidnapped Isaac and put on an Isaac disguise. Then, he banged Mia and used his ability to make people forget things (by knocking them out) to make Mia forget about it! That's why he's not on the list."

Sheba slapped him. "Saturos is deeaaaaaaad!!!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, right," Garet muttered, rubbing his face. "Well, what other explanation is there for him not being on the list?"

Sheba grabbed Garet's hand and started dragging him toward Isaac's house. "Maybe they did nothing, but it is suspicious, him being the token hero and all."

"Why does that make it suspicious?"

Sheba squinted in the sunlight as they walked hastily up the path. "Because everyone knows..." she started to say. She paused long enough to pull out some sunglasses and slip them on, then added, "...that the main hero gets the most action."

Garet didn't look amused at all. "That's a stupid theo-- YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-owwwwww! Watch where you're stepping!" Garet yelled, limping after Sheba "accidentally" stomped on his foot.

!-L- -E- -R- -O- -Y-!
!-B- -R- -O- -W- -N-!

It took a little effort, but Sheba and Garet managed to break into Isaac's house. They originally knocked, but Isaac wouldn't let them in. If it weren't for the sudden thumping of feet running up some stairs when they pounded at his door, they wouldn't have known he was inside in the first place.

"What are you hiding, Isaac? Why are you avoiding us? Did you sex up Mia?" Sheba grilled after they corned him.

"N-No! Of course not!" Isaac shouted, holding up a broom to shield himself with. His sword was still in the kitchen where he had used it to slice bread earlier.

Sheba wasn't convinced. However, she couldn't get close enough to mind read Isaac.

"C'mon, tell the truth Isaac," Garet said calmly while munching on some snacks from Isaac's kitchen. "It's not cool to leave a woman with your child and not help out."

"The brat isn't mine, I tell ya! You'll never prove it!" Isaac yelled.

Sheba had had enough--it was time to dig through the dirty depths of Isaac's mind. "Garet, use tackle!" Sheba ordered, tossing Garet a treat.

Garet popped the treat in his mouth and then tackled Isaac, bowling him over and slamming him into the wall. "Sorry, bud!" he hissed through clenched teeth. Picking Isaac up, the large Mars Adept drove him into the hardwood floor and pinned him to the ground.

"Get off me you brute! I'll kill you!" Isaac snarled with wild eyes.

Sheba walked forward and grabbed Isaac's ear roughly. As she concentrated her psynergy, a look of shock and awe appeared on her face.

"I... I don't believe it," she whispered, looking at Garet with wide eyes.

"What? What'd you find out?" Garet asked, struggling to keep Isaac subdued.

Sheba shook her head. "Tie him up," she ordered firmly. "We're taking this scumbag to the sanctum."

It took some effort, but Garet managed to hogtie and gag Isaac. Hauling him over his shoulder, the pair of detectives walked to the sanctum. On the way, Sheba gathered the Mayor and a few of the stronger adepts in town.

"Mia, I've solved the case!" Sheba exclaimed happily as they entered the sanctum.

Mia's eyes went wide. "You...you figured out who the father is?" she asked, astonished.

Sheba nodded roughly. "Yes. Put him down, Garet."

Garet set Isaac down on the stone floor. "I'm so disappointed in you, Isaac," he muttered with a disapproving look.

Mia leaned forward in the bed. "Isaac? Isaac's the father? But he wasn't on the list!" she said. "I don't ever remember being intimate with him..."

Shaking her head, Sheba said, "Not Isaac." She slammed her hand down on Isaac's golden hair and cast reveal.

Everyone gasped as the psynergy spread out in a radius, revealing who "Isaac" really was.

"Saturos!" Mia and Garet exclaimed in shock.

"Who?" the Mayor asked, scratching his chin.

Ignoring him, Sheba released the psynergy and, with her hand still on the messy hair of "Isaac", yanked upward, pulling off a masterfully crafted mask.

"I was right?" Garet squeaked as Saturos' face popped into view.

Sheba nodded. "Saturos invaded Vale nine months ago without anybody knowing. He kidnapped Isaac and took his place. It was the only way he could bone Mia."

Garet shrugged. "Not the only way," he said quietly. "A little alcohol would've done it..."

Saturos spat at the PI and her assistant. "I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"

"You did get away with it," Sheba pointed out. "And now you've got a toddler to help raise."

As a screaming Saturos was dragged off, with Mia telling Saturos not to forget about child support, Garet and Sheba exchanged high-fives. They immediately pestered Mia for their pay and, once it was safely in their pockets, they walked out out of the sanctum.

"You know," Garet said slowly. "This just brings up even more questions. What happened to Isaac? How did Saturos survive? And how did you go so long without reading his mind or using reveal on him? Plus, why doesn't the little squirt have scales like Saturos? Other than the blue hair, you wouldn't think it was his."

Sheba shrugged and jingled the gold in her pockets. "And as long as we're paid in full, the world may never know. Case closed!"

They walked side-by-side in the sunset, heading toward Garet's house for dinner. Sheba whipped out her sunglasses again and equipped them while a few birds sung in the distance. Vale felt much safer to Sheba. Dirtier, but safer.

"...seriously. Where's Isaac?" Garet asked after a moment of silence.

"Case. Closed." Sheba said through her teeth. Her narrow eyes told Garet not to ask again.

With the case pronounced closed, they never found out that Isaac was sold in an underground slave operation to the Dwarven people of Loho.

!-Private Investigator Sheba and the Case of the Missing Babydaddy-!

"The end," Garet said with a satisfied smile.

Garet cleared his throat, remembering the age of his audience. It was hard to not get out of hand when he told stories.

"Who needs a bathroom break?" he asked.

Several hands shot up. A little boy muttered, "Too late."

Garet stood up. "Okay, let's go take a quick bathroom break, then we'll return! And remember kids, Mia likes it if you call her the town horse!" he said with a wide grin.

With his irritation from earlier completely gone, Garet happily marched with the kids single-file to Isaac's house to use the bathroom. After all, he wasn't about to let a bunch of little kids loose in his bathroom. The mess they would create would surely be the stuff of legend.


End: Private Investigator Sheba and the Case of the Missing Babydaddy