Disclaimer: Farscape is owned by The Jim Henson company and the grand high Mucky Mucks, I'm just borrowing it all for a little bit. I am making no money from this, I'm just obsessed. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: PG at most, if only for angst.

Timeline: Just after Aeryn returns to Talyn after Valdon and returns with the others to Moya in "Fractures."

Summary: Aeryn finds (Talyn) John's journal as she is packing away his things as she continues to deal with his death and returning to Moya.

Author's Notes: This is a re-post since the first posting went the way of the Tasmanian Wolf. There are no changes other than typo correction, etc.

"My Immortal;" Fallen; Evanescence; 2003

Time break shown by ellipsis and the first three words written in boldface.

Feedback: Constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thank you to everyone and "DekotaSkye," and "Stone Cold," for reading and reviewing this ficlit on its first post.


I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears...And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave...Because your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone...These wounds won't seem to heal...This pain is just too real... There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears...When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears...And I've held your hand through all of these years, but you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me, by your resonating light...But now I'm bound by the life you left behind...Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams...Your voice, it chased away, all the sanity in me...These wounds won't seem to heal...This pain is just too real...There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears...When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears...And I've held your hand through all of these years, but you still have all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone... But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears...When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears...And I've held your hand through all of these years, but you still have all me…

All me... All me... All me…

Aeryn sat on the bunk John had used on board Talyn, her back to the bright stars that glimmered through the window that lay behind her. A half packed military duffle bag was pressed against the far wall of the tiny berth, close against the window there. At Aeryn's feet, a small, brightly painted green DRD that Talyn had let John modify, and whom John had christened Vivaldi, chirped. And before her, stood Stark, an eager look on his face.

Aeryn held Winona in a steady one-handed grip, taking precise aim at Stark's head.

"Let me help, Aeryn. I can ease your pain," Stark said nervously, his voice a cascading rhythm of infatuated obsession.

Aeryn maintained her steady aim, her face grim.

"I want to help you, Aeryn," Stark insisted once more as he stepped nearer to her, reaching out as if to touch her.

"I will shoot you, Stark," Aeryn said, her voice as cold and steady as her aim.

"Aeryn, let me take care of you. I want to take care of you."

"For the last time, Stark, go away and leave me alone," Aeryn replied tersely.

Stark held his hands up in an attitude of pacification, even as Aeryn continued to aim the pulse pistol at him. Carefully, the Stykaran stepped forward, still reaching for Aeryn.

"Go away, Stark."

Suddenly, Vivaldi chirped menacingly and showed his origins as he produced a small deadly laser weapon. The DRD rolled forward, heading directly for Stark. The former Banick slave looked in hurt surprise at the small menacing DRD. He looked up to Aeryn, who continued to hold Winona steady in her one-handed grip, then back to Vivaldi.

Finally, Stark stopped reaching for the beautiful Sebacean woman. He slowly lowered his hands, turned, and left Aeryn alone, but for the DRD, in the corridor.

After Stark had gone, Aeryn quietly lowered John's pulse pistol. For a moment, she simply bowed her head in silence, the gun loose in her hand where it rested on her lap. The starlight washed over her, glimmering over her dark hair and glowing on her skin.

Once, Aeryn might have lain here with John and looked out over those bright stars. Now, even the sight of the stars, was like a bitter knife, carving out what remained of the heart that Aeryn was trying to bury within the cold, familiar memory of being a Peacekeeper.

Vivaldi chirped at Aeryn's feet and began to softly play 'Spring,' his sensor stalks twitching.

"Enough," Aeryn almost whispered.

Vivaldi stopped.

"Go on now," Aeryn said, waving her free hand in a gentle shooing motion to the modified DRD.

Vivaldi chirped quietly, but obeyed and headed back down the corridor, leaving Aeryn to be by herself. She lay Winona aside then, and turned to the scattered items that lay next to her on the bunk.

Most of John's effects had already been packed away in the duffle behind her. Crais had done so while Aeryn had gone down to the planet of mystics. Other duties had prevented him from completing the task though, so the remainder of John's things lay loose on the bunk as they had been left.

Lightly, Aeryn brushed her fingertips over all that remained of the man that she had loved so completely and passionately. Everything he had been, reduced to empty artifacts and pale reflections of his spirit, his passion, and his heart. They were the last remaining pieces of the life that he had left behind.

"John," she whispered, holding back the tears that tried to choke her voice. "I can't do this," she gasped, almost loosing herself to the wave of grief that she felt threaten to engulf her.

Aeryn buried her face in her hands, her breath coming in deep gasps as she tried to hold back her pain. Then, by sheer force of will, she raised her head back up. With a grim sort of determination, she forced herself to shut down, walling away not only her grief, but all her love and passion as well. From the outside, if anyone did not look passed the surface, all that they would see was the former Officer Sun, Peacekeeper trained pilot and soldier.

She took a deep breath and focused on the task that she had set herself. Mechanically, Aeryn folded the extra black T-shirts, the leather vest, and the red and black jacket, packing them into the bag. Once almost, tears threatened as she held a shirt up to her face, remembering his clean warm scent, but Aeryn quickly forced the pain back down. After that, she did not allow herself to indulge in any further lingering over the things that she was putting away.

Bit by bit, item by item, Aeryn locked up her heart as she packed her lover's things away. With each piece of clothing, every trinket from a commerce planet that Aeryn put away, she killed another part of her heart, attempting to bury the pain.

"Don't worry about me, I've never felt better," Aeryn remembered her dying lover's words.

"But I have, John," she gasped, thinking that it seemed to hurt to breathe, she missed him that much. She held her hands to her chest a moment, but quickly stopped and made herself finish what she was doing, even though all she wanted to do was curl up on the bunk and cry.

When she was nearly done, Aeryn carefully packed away Winona with the extra chakkan oil. Pencils and bits of loose paper slipped along the inside of the duffel bag. And bit by bit, Aeryn packed away the last visible reminders of Crichton's life in the Uncharted Territories.

Finally she was done, and she closed the tote. She paused a moment in silence, then raised the tote to set it back against the window that framed the bunk. As she did so, something small and heavy fell fluttering to the floor.

It was John's journal. Aeryn reached down to pick it up gingerly, almost as if she was afraid that it would burn her fingertips. It had fallen flat, and as Aeryn reached down to pick it up, her fingers slid in between the soft parchment pages. As she lifted the small book, she felt something slide along her fingers from within the press of paper. Reflexively, she grabbed for the object.

It was a small braided chain of silver. The pendant was a small orb shape, intricately etched with swirls of vines and tiny flower shapes. Aeryn noticed the latch, and with a soft 'snick', she opened the locket. Inside was a small glowing gem, resembling a small star, though it was cool to the touch. The other half had the words, "Forever, Love John," engraved gracefully upon the silver.

Trembling, Aeryn closed the locket again with a small 'snick,' and placed it on the open pages of John's journal that lay in her lap. Hesitantly, she looked down at the chain of soft silver laying against the black script carefully written on the creamy parchment. She noticed that the journal was open to one of John's many star charts. The chain lay beneath the symbol of the brightest star, and her name, Aeryn, as if underlining them.

Carefully, she read the names, "Hewwey, Doowie, Looie," she sounded them out.

Silently, she traced the letters of her own name with her fingertips. Then carefully, she closed the journal, cautious to place the locket in such a way as for it to remain secure between the pages...

Aeryn sat quietly near Pilot's console in his den on Moya. It had only been a few arns since she and the others had returned to the leviathan on board Talyn, but already, Aeryn was avoiding the Crichton that had remained behind on Moya. It hurt and confused him she knew, but seeing him was like being haunted by an ache so painful, she thought that she may well die of it. So here she was hiding from John, in Pilot's den.

One Eye was nearby, facing off with Vivaldi, who had come on board Moya, from Talyn. The two DRD's almost seemed to dance as they circled one another on top of Pilot's console. Pilot himself, watched the strange, almost dance with some fascination.

"Talyn allowed Commander Crichton to modify one of his DRD's?" Pilot asked, a note of wonder tingeing his soothing voice. "This is most intriguing."

Suddenly, One Eye began chirping loudly. Vivaldi matched its opponent by singing 'Autumn.' The conflicting sounds rose in volume, creating a cacophony that assaulted the ears. As the music and noise escalated, Aeryn rose, book in hand, and reached for Vivaldi. Deftly, she lifted the small green DRD down and sent him away. One Eye chirped, and Aeryn sent him away as well, before she turned to Pilot. She set the journal before him.

"Pilot," Aeryn said quietly, "I need to know what he wrote."

She looked to the leviathan's pilot with a expression of suppressed pain. Pilot's liquid eyes took in the sight of the distressed Sebacean and he felt compassion for her.

"Officer Sun," Pilot began softly.

"P...please, Pilot."

"Perhaps, Commander Crichton would be better," Pilot spoke before Aeryn interrupted him.

"No, Pilot. I...I can't. Please, Pilot, I need you to do this for me."

"Very well, Officer Sun."

Aeryn slid the journal closer to Pilot, and in his calm voice, the leviathan pilot began to read the open pages out loud for her.

"I saw the locket on Altara, a little commerce planet that we had to stop at because Sparky ate almost all our food after that small incident with the mist," Pilot began to read as he translated the English script.

Aeryn took a deep breath, holding everything back. Hearing John's words was like probing a wound or a toothache, it hurt, but somehow she felt compelled to do so. Pilot looked over to her with some concern, but Aeryn nodded quietly, and Pilot continued.

"If it weren't for the fact that we almost ended up like a bug in a zapper on a summer night, I'd almost want to thank Talyn for the whole thing. 'Cause I'm not certain that I was right before, maybe the mist really was our friend. Not that Aeryn and I need something like the drexin..."

"... In fact, well, I'm just going to say it, I'm pretty damn sure that all I need is Aeryn. Okay, okay, cue the pop music, bring on the chorus, 'ooh I love the way you love me.' But...I can't help it. With Aeryn, I want to say all the shumltzy stuff that sounds like it's straight out of a pop song from home.

Which brings me back to this: being with Aeryn, I realize that somewhere along the line, she became home to me. Anywhere in the universe, the Uncharteds, Earth, wherever; wherever she is, is home. And...and I think about it sometimes, think about marrying this woman. I think about instead of giving her a locket, what if I gave her a ring? I can imagine it so clearly. And I want it, because with her, I know a love like I've never known.

I will love her until my dying day.

Whoa there, Johnny boy, I suppose it's a good thing Aeryn can't read English very well yet. I mean, what would she say, especially since I think about more than marrying her?

I'll say it here, 'cause I can't say it out loud yet, but, I think about having children with Aeryn, and I want that too. A little girl with Aeryn's blue eyes and her strength and courage. Or a little boy, with her dark hair and willingness to fight for the right thing, even when she's scared.

Yeah, Johnny boy, I think for right now, it's a good thing that Aeryn can't read this completely yet. She loves me, I know it, but I don't want to push her. She takes time, and she's so worth it...

"Officer Sun, are you all right?" Pilot asked, his warm eyes filled with concern.

Aeryn stood ramrod straight, her arms stiff held against her sides, her fists clenched. She bit her lower lip as if holding back her grief. But silent tears had begun to slip down her face. As Pilot read John's journal, Aeryn could hear her lover's voice. It was in her ear; a breath against her cheek; a call to her shattered heart.

She nodded minimally to Pilot. "There's...there's more, Pilot. Please, I need to hear it. It was the last thing he wrote, before," she took a deep breath, "before he died. I need to hear it, Pilot," Aeryn repeated, her voice breaking, but firm in her determination.

"She's worth it. And well, I've loved her since the first moment. Even if our first moment was her beating the dren out of me," Pilot read.

Aeryn gave a strange stifled laugh.

"The fates must have been working overtime to bring us together. Clear across the galaxy to find the other half of my soul and the completion of my heart..."

"...But...God, must have played dice with this one: what about the other me? How weird is this, I'm in a love triangle with my girl, and myself? How do you wrap your brain around that? Because we're going to get back to Moya one of these days, and then what?

This is one bit of existentialism we didn't study at University. I mean, I'm me, and he's me, and I'm him. Just thinking about it makes me dizzy. I love Aeryn Sun; he loves her too...see what I mean? And, well Aeryn loves John Crichton. What does that mean when there are two of me? Are we the sum of our experiences? If so, does that make me, and the other me, different people now? Somehow, knowing me, I'm not certain that the John on Moya is just going to step back and say, 'oh, I see, sure'..."

Pilot stopped as John Crichton entered the den.

"My man, Pilot," he began before he stopped short at seeing Aeryn.

Aeryn's face held a haunted expression as she looked over to the reflection of her lover's face in this man's.

John finished his walk over to Pilot. He noticed the journal and reached over to slide it towards himself carefully. With the book still on Pilot's console, John turned it so that he could read the words.

"But I've got a plan: we'll tumble through that wormhole when we get to it. And maybe Wile E. Coyote could come up with a better plan than that, but for now, it'll do. Until then," John stopped reading and looked directly into Aeryn's sapphire eyes. "I'll love, Aeryn Sun."

For a moment, Aeryn simply stood there, lost in all the pain.

John wanted to take her in his arms and help take the haunted look from the eyes of the woman that he loved more than anything in the universe.

But Aeryn turned and walked away, leaving John standing in silence, watching her back as she headed out the door.