A/N: And the stupid nonsense continues. Special thanks (or blame) to SG1-Fanfic for this one.
Rebriefed by iamdragonrider
"I can't believe we had to come back here and get this thing, and drag it back through the gate with us. What possible use could it have?" Colonel O'Neill muttered under his breath, pacing around the temple room, careful to remain away from the tile that had caused their original embarrassing incident.
"Well, you were the one that suggested the use Jack," commented Daniel from over by one of the walls he hadn't been able to study for very long the last time.
"Removing weapons would be more useful sir, if we could isolate it to certain items. The technology alone is worth studying." Carter piped up from her position, underneath the device, only her legs visible, an assortment of tools within reach. Teal'c stood nearby, offering a hand when needed.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't see why they had to send us." And there it was, the crux of the matter. It had been well known that SG-1 was returning to the planet where the "incident" had occurred. And O'Neill had been in a sour mood ever since, because SG-1 had been the butt end, literally, of every joke on base ever since. Security tapes of the gate room footage had spread faster than an alien virus. Everyone had known by the next day it seemed, even the teams off world. Comments were made about being out of uniform. They were asked if the world they'd just visited had been a little hot. An anonymous email featuring bare butt cheeks dancing across the screen was circulated. They received invitations in their email and flyers and their interdepartmental mail to join nudist colonies or visit nude beaches. The first annual SGC strip poker tournament was announced, and was to be hosted by SG-1 according to the flyers they found in their locker room. Going through the gate became referred to as going skinny-dipping. When it was learned that SG-1 would be going back, Ferretti asked Jack if he'd be coming back in his birthday suit again. Jack merely scowled and walked away.
Unfortunately, the rest of SG-1 had been stuck with the Colonel and his sour temper, but they were used to his many moods and gave him space. Sensing he was being surly, Jack sighed, and tried to be more civil. "How's it going Carter?"
"Almost done sir, I just have to undo this last connection, and…" there were a few metallic sounds, and a small grunt as she did whatever it was under the thing. "Ok, now I just need to unhook it and we're good." He heard her say. A moment later, there was a loud electric whine, and Carter cried out in pain. At the same time the room was bathed in an all too familiar white glare, that made his skin tingle. Squeezing his eyes shut, Jack stumbled towards Carter, feeling cold air against his skin, but was too concerned with Carter to worry about it.
The light faded, and he could see Teal'c already kneeling by the machine, pulling her out. She was dazed and barely conscious, and dressed only in her underwear. He blinked. He hadn't expected that. And especially not plain, cotton panties with little flowers on them, like the kind his mother would have worn, and a plain cotton bra. Somehow, he found it comforting. Shaking his head, he turned back to the matter at hand, and focused on Carter's face. Confused blue eyes locked on his, and her brow furrowed.
"Sur? Wha hap'ned?" Her words slurred slightly and she moved her left hand up to her forehead, massaging it. He took her right hand gently; suspicions confirmed when he found a red mark across several fingers and the palm, suggesting an electrical shock.
"I should be asking that question Carter." He continued studying her face and she winced as he probed at her hand.
She frowned. "I don know. Wha hap'ned to your clothes sur?"
Jack blinked and looked down, discovering he was clad in only his boxers. At least he had boxers on this time. Of course it figured he'd chosen to wear the Homer Simpson boxer shorts, out of all his pairs of nondescript underwear he could have chosen, today of all days. He'd been wearing a pair of perfectly respectable underwear last week in fact, the day their clothes had been zapped into non-existence. Focusing back on Carter, he decided to change the subject instead. "Care to sit up?"
She contemplated the question for a moment, lifting her head up to look around the room slightly, before finally answering. "Nope. Co'fortable. Thanks." She closed her eyes, and leaned her head back on the hard stone floor.
Jack's eyebrows shot up, and he looked over at Teal'c in concern, only to realize with a start that the man wasn't wearing anything.
"Teal'c? You go commando?" Jack stared at Teal'c in disbelief.
"Commando?" Teal'c was confused.
"You, uh, don't wear anything underneath."
"Ah. Indeed O'Neill. I prefer to be unencumbered." Teal'c sounded as if the explanation made perfect sense.
"Doesn't that chafe!"
Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow in reply.
Just then Daniel knelt between them. Jack was pleased to note that the archeologist was at least covered, though Daniel's tight blue bikini style briefs didn't exactly leave much to the imagination. As if sensing Jack's scrutiny, Daniel crossed his arms over his chest self consciously, and cleared his throat. "Is Sam OK?"
Focusing back on the problem, Jack gave the woman's shoulder a little shake. "Carter?" She just moaned, so he shook her a little harder, rewarded when she finally opened her eyes, peering at him in confusion.
"You done taking a nap Carter? Because I'd really like to get some clothes on and get back." He watched as she blinked in confusion a few times, taking in her surroundings, and when she made a move to sit up he offered her a hand, his hand on her bare skin making her startle as the realization set in.
"It happened again didn't it sir?" Her hands traveled reflexively down her body.
"Well, this time we seem to have our skivvies at least. Well those of us that were wearing them." Too late her eyes landed on Teal'c. Eyes widening, she looked away hastily, only to have them land on first the Colonel, then Daniel. Finally, she stared at her own lap, the rapid vision shifts making her dizzy. Jack didn't miss her sudden paleness, a stark contrast to her pink cheeks. "Why don't you stay here a minute Carter? Daniel, there's some blankets and things in the pack with the extra GDO and radio outside, can you go and get it?"
Happy to have something to do, Daniel jumped up and bounded from the room, returning in moments with the pack, rooting in it for the promised blankets. A moment later, he looked up at Jack, a confused expression on his face. "Jack, there are no blankets in here."
Jumping up, Jack crossed over and grabbed the pack. "What, I told them to pack extra blankets. Feretti picked up the packs from supply… Ferretti! I'll kill him!" Jack dropped the pack and headed to the door as if he were going back to the gate right at that very moment, forgetting all about Sam who was still seated on the ground next to the device they'd been sent to collect. Teal'c and Daniel each ran to grab an arm trying to slow the determined man down to no avail. It was only Sam's plaintive call that finally penetrated that got him to stop.
"Shit. I'm still killing him. Daniel, you help Carter. Teal'c, let's get that damn thing, so they can't make us come back for it again. Just make sure you don't set it off again. At least we have a GDO this time, even if I hate having to fill out an explanation for all the missing equipment again."
"You're telling me sir, General Hammond wasn't very happy about some of the things we lost last time. He won't be very happy a second time." Sam was now upright and leaning against Daniel. The two were quite a sight in their underwear, and Jack averted his eyes only to find them resting on Teal'c and all his glory. He sighed, and hefted his end of the alien device that was causing them so much trouble. He looked back over his shoulder at the pair again. "Hey Carter?"
"Why do you think it only took our outer clothes this time, and not our underwear?"
Sam frowned as she concentrated on the problem, and maintaining her balance at the same time. She was still feeling rather dizzy from the electrical shock. "I've been thinking about it sir, and the only thing I can come up with is that maybe I accidentally changed the parameter to how close to the body something had to be. There were a lot of settings in there; I might have bumped something when I was disconnecting it. It's going to take a lot of studying."
"Hmph. Well, as long as they don't do it anywhere near me," Jack muttered under his breath, and for once, Carter agreed with him. She'd had enough of this particular piece of alien tech. Maybe they could find some nudists to study it.
The trip back to the gate was uneventful, no earthquakes like the last time, and they spent the rest of the way in silence. They sent their iris code with the backup GDO and received confirmation. Jack and Teal'c hefted the device, and Daniel pulled Sam's arm over his shoulder because she was visibly fading, looking exhausted. The shock had sapped a lot out of her.
Hammond met them at the foot of the ramp and his eyebrows rose yet again. Before he could speak, Jack marched down the ramp and set the thing down, Daniel and Sam following at a slower pace. "Mission completed sir. Permission to report to the infirmary? Carter got a little shock getting the thing disconnected."
The General blinked, taking in the appearance of his finest in their underwear. Well, except for Teal'c. Who would have known that the man would have preferred the freedom of going in the buff? Teal'c returned the General's gaze with a slight incline of his head, and Hammond turned back to his second, hiding his amusement over the man's choice of undergarments. "Permission granted. We'll debrief in an hour. Although I'm pleased to say that you have kept the briefs on this time. Well mostly. Dismissed."
As Hammond turned to leave, Janet Fraiser and several medics appeared handing out blankets to the group and prepared to escort them to the infirmary. A group of technicians appeared as well and Hammond directed them to take the device to a lab on level 22. The technicians moved to quickly obey his order, lifting the device onto a cart when Colonel O'Neill shouted out. "No, don't touch it there!"
Within seconds the room was engulfed in a blinding white flash, and Jack felt an all too familiar sensation crawling over his skin. With a curse, Jack realized his nice warm blanket was gone, and he'd only just gotten it.
Opening his eyes as soon as his vision cleared, he surveyed the gate room. And what a sight he saw. Every single person in the room and the adjoining control room was clad in their underwear, except for the few souls who the world now knew went commando. And what a varied selection of boxers, briefs, bikini underwear, and thongs there was on display. Wild and mild, there was a little of everything.
Out of curiosity, his eyes were automatically drawn to the bottom of the ramp, where the General Hammond still stood, and his mouth twitched. Smiling would be bad. Laughing would be worse. It might have been better had Hammond been one that had chosen to go commando or even been one of ones to wear a sexy undergarment. Compared to what General Hammond was wearing, people would likely forget the lacy ensemble that Dr. Fraiser was wearing and the tight bikini briefs of Daniel's and the little black thong that Gunnery Sergeant Thompson was wearing.
Sensing Jack's gaze, Hammond stared directly into his eyes, and Jack wore his best poker face as Hammond spoke, his cheeks slightly pink. "They were from my wife, she likes when I wear them." With that, Hammond turned, and walked up the stairs with all the decorum a two star general in command of a top-secret military base could muster. And it took all of Jack's control, control he'd learned under torture and duress and in boot camp not to laugh out loud.
Because the back of General Hammond silk boxer shorts were even better than the front. While the front had said "Hottie," the back had "Studmuffin," emblazoned across them.
It looked like SG-1 might live this one down after all, because the General would surely order the entire incident to never be spoken of again.
A/N: Again, special thanks and blame to SG1-Fanfic, for the many discussions on what sort of underwear SG-1 might be wearing, and providing the inspiration for Daniel's attire (or lack of), and for agreeing with Teal'c's choice, and the Colonel and Sam. Hammond was a last minute addition; I thought SG-1 had undergone enough ribbing. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers, I love reading everyone's comments, more than writing almost, so keep the comments coming!