Do You Love Me Now?
x by Ebony x
Notes: Incorrect grammar is intentional. An experimental-ish fic.
After finally killing Itachi and avenging his clan, Sasuke finds
himself slipping from reality, unable to wash the blood off his hands,
nor let go of his brother. It's all just a nightmare, only there's no
one left to wake him up… (Uchihacest)
Rating: T/PG-13 (language, violence, incest, yaoi, insanity)
Pairing: ItaSasu (don't like, don't read)
Disclaimer: I own not Naruto, nor The Mists of Avalon
'Believe that I love you, Morgaine, for a day will come when you will hate me as much as you love me now.'
from The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradleyx
The water sloshes against my legs as I trudge through the murky, ankle-deep water, my entire body cold and numb. I take no notice as I continue on, lugging the body through the shallow lake that has formed where a valley used to be. It rained; rained so much last night that everything flooded, as if the sea had declared mutiny on the land. And I wouldn't doubt it.
My fingers are tightly clinging to the material of your shirt, soaked through and through. I can barely feel them anymore, so tired from the frigid strain. They're stained with your blood, just like the rest of me. Both your blood and mine. But I don't let go; I never let go. That's why I'm here…
Dragging your dead body along with me.
You see, Nii-san? I got my revenge. I have you now, and you can't do anything. Just a lifeless body, dead and beginning to rot. Here that, Nii-san? You're going to rot in the ground, like you deserve! You can't hurt me there. Can't hurt anyone…
It's done, Nii-san.
But if it's done, why am I talking to you as if you're here?
A tree has fallen over in the storm and I head over to it, my body eager for a rest. I've been walking for who-the-Hell-knows-how-long, pulling you along with me, as if to reassure myself you're not immortal and you will stay dead. I'm not sure where I'm going anymore. I'll know when I get there, I guess.
Bitterly, I smirk.
Can you see me?
I'm just like you. I have surpassed you now. Just like you wanted. Or did you just want a challenge?
I sling your body over the trunk as if it's a doll and hop on a few feet away, forcing my burning lungs to take in large breaths of air at a time, replenishing my overworked body. There are certain things we need to survive: food, air, water, excersize. Physically, that's all you need.
But to exist mentally and fully… you need purpose.
And I had my purpose; the cause that drove me and pushed me. And I wouldn't let anything stop me. I wanted to be just like you. Because you, they said, you were perfect. Did you ever hear them? Itachi is wonderful, Itachi is amazing, Itachi, Itachi, Itachi. Always about fucking perfect Itachi, the perfect son! I remember days I thought so too… I looked up to you, and wanted to be you. You became my purpose. I was going to be like you. That was so childish of me. But I stopped being a child that day. That day you changed it, and gave me a new purpose; to kill you and become as strong as you. And yet some part of me was stuck there, buried inside and crying because you were gone… And I still wanted to be like you… I wanted my brother back…
But I knew that child is dead. You killed him. You killed all of them, and I was going to kill you. That was all that kept me going for eight years. Eight fucking years, Nii-san, that's half my life! For half my life you pulled me along with the rage, the hatred you demanded of me while every inch of my being burned, itched, lusted for the taste of your death.
And now I have it.
I have attained perfection, completed my purpose and now… it seems I've lost the direction that I've always had and held closest to me, and I feel lost.
I killed you, you're gone, I have nothing left…
Except for the fact that I'm just like you.
And I'm not sure how I want to feel about that.
Your blood---the exact same as mine---is on my hands; dried flakes remain even now. I lean down and plunge them into the freezing water an attempt to wash it off, but it's impossible in this situation. The burnt vermillion is caked in my hair, splattered over my face and down my neck. It's on my clothing, on my arms, legs, chest. Under my nails, even. The smell won't leave me for a long time yet. I smell like you, Nii-san. I smell like someone who has killed… who has taken life for their own selfish and violent reason.
And I hate you still, Nii-san.
I say that, so sure of myself, as I always have…
But I only hated you so furiously, because I had loved you that much more. And you betrayed me. And I never did stop loving you, which is why it hurt so much. You raped me of any chance love I ever could have had, and didn't even look back. Do you remembered when I smiled, Nii-san? I smiled for you, when you helped me train, and when you told me that I'd done something well, rare as those moments were.
Was your death adequate? Was my slaying of you up to standard?
I try to flick the water off my hands, but it won't work. I would rub them on my shirt, but that's soaked as well. You loved rain. You went outside in the rain and in snowstorms, despite what Mom and Dad said. I tried to follow you.
I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be good enough for you…
Am I fucking good enough for you, Nii-san?(!)
If you saw me now… would you hate me?
Hate me, for what I did. Hate me, because it took too damn long. Hate me, like I wanted to hate you.
I keep my eyes on the water, watching my reflection; this dirty, tangled me, sitting vacant and destroyed. This is who you made me.
I kick at the apparition, watching the image distort and bend but not quite vanish, as I keep watching. There's no where else to look, as the land around me (us) is covered in a thick, nearly-opaque fog that has smothered everything in grey. I don't want to look at you. Your face… it's just like when you died…
You looked me straight in the eye. I still don't know how you did that. You should've been begging me for mercy, screaming and pleading, or something! But not you. You just smiled. You fucking smiled!
As I delivered the last blow, and all you could do was grin at me and say my name. That's all. I'm sure they'd all be proud of you, Nii-san, if they saw you now. Killed by your own younger brother…
I'm sure they'd be proud of me too. Now that I'm just like you.
Warmth erupts suddenly on my cheeks, the result of the brackish tears dripping from my eyes. I choke back a sob, still refusing to look at you. It's only been a few hours, and already it feels as though half of me is gone. We were the last two left; we were the only two Uchiha alive. But I was never alone because I always had you. You to hate, you to blame, you to idealize, you to love, you to obsess over, you to distract me and you to regret. Now there's only me. Alone. Only me to blame.
I don't want to be alone, Nii-san…
People always told me I didn't have to be. Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi; all of them tried to bring me in, closer to them. And they nearly succeeded, but they could only ever get half of me, because the other half was trapped with you. So is half of me with you now, where ever you've gone? Is that why I'm empty?
Come back, Nii-san. I'm sorry…
I didn't mean it, any of it…
It's just a bad dream…
Do you remember when I used to have nightmares? I didn't want to tell mom or dad or anyone, but you found me curled up in my bed, shivering and afraid and alone. You let me sleep in your bed with you those nights, and I liked it, though I shouldn't have. I liked feeling your warmth against me, wrapping my little unskilled hands around your neck and pressing my ear to your chest so I could hear your heartbeat, strong and constant. It stopped when I was seven. It wasn't proper, and you were older… you were changing… You became cold. Was it that you didn't want me to notice how much like snow you were? You melted on my tongue, on my fingertips, never letting me grasp and hold it for long. Always teasing/taunting me.
And trying to kill you, to achieve you, became my life. Maybe I thought that if I could finally do that, it would all end. The dream would be over, and you would let me sleep next to you in your bed, and you would kiss me goodnight, then kiss me again.
I was always in my own bed when I woke up. You didn't want them to know, was that it? Was it that you were ashamed of my weakness?
What would you say, if you could answer me, Nii-san?
I never got a chance to ask…
I bitterly wipe the tears from my face, redness making itself known. Blood… Maybe I'm dying with you. What would you do then? Do I still win?
Why am I asking you? You won't answer…
I nearly scream, as my hand comes to rest on your face. It was an accident! I was trying to get the tears and the blood off, wipe it on the damp wood but I missed, and now that it's there I can't bring myself to take it away. I can feel your cold, waterlogged skin, and your lips, twisted in smile.
Stop smiling, Nii-san…
You're dead now, you should stop smiling…
I pull my hand away, clutching it to me. Just a creature, just a shell. To think, this body used to be you. You're so cold. You used to be so warm, and alive, so goddamn alive.
You had half of me, Nii-san, you always did. You always will.
What would've made you love me, Nii-san? What if I stopped being so childish? Or if I stopped having nightmares, and thinking maybe you'll be there, but you never are. If I was strong, if I was perfect like you, would you love me then?
I wanted you to love me…
Now you never will.
You always had half of me, but now you have all of me. I never had you; you were too far out of my reach.
And you're still smiling, Nii-san, like you think this is funny.
And you're not coming back, because of me.
You took it all away, your warmth and my dreams and all we had, leaving just me and you.
I took the rest away. I took you away.
It's my fault. I wanted this, I always wanted this. How was I able to kill you, when you were all I had? Nii-san, will you come back? I'm sorry…
I took you away.
I close my eyes, and reach over to you. Luckily, my hand lands near your shoulder this time, and I just feel your blood-soaked shirt, not your skin, pale and frozen. I stop holding back. I stop being like you, Nii-san, and I cry as hard as I want to. The blood is washing away now, or at least fading, or maybe I'm imagining it. You were an angel, Nii-san, you were (supposed to be) my guardian angel. But not anymore…
It may have seemed that when I killed you, I killed myself as well, a little murdersuicide (not that it even came close to being anything like what you did, no, you always had to have all the glory and cage me in your shadow and see if I could find my way out, and I hate you I hate you I hate you). But that's not true, no.
You had already killed me, a long time ago. Not in the physical sense, but you murdered the person I used to be, and left me hanging by just one pretty red thread that was tied to your finger. I've just been haunting this place, refusing to leave. Just part of a broken person, a shattered doll, a mortal aspiring to be an angel. I chained myself to it; the hatred, the wanting. But I can go now, Nii-san. I can go with you now, and we can forget, right?
Will you love me now, Nii-san? Please, love me, Nii-san!
I tightly clutch your broken shoulders as I heave with sobs. Your body is heavy, and obviously lifeless. No more heartbeat. No more breath. No more warmth. Did you ever have nightmares? You never told me. If you did, I would've let you sleep with me. I would've given you my warmth, the little that I had. But you had to be strong and perfect. You had to take it away! I would've let you lay next to me, and bury your face in my chest, and hold me. And when I woke up, you'd still be there!
I lift your body, (sickness tossing in my stomach), and let it slide off the tree and into the water, a weighted splash following. But I'm weaker than I thought, and exhausted from our deathmatch. I slide face-first down with you, tumbling into your watery grave. Your skin is like snow against mine, nauseous-euphoric-vertiginous collision. My hands have ended up around your neck, and my face is pressed to your chest; the place where your heartbeat used to be. Its absence just worsens the torment.
Let me die fully and properly, Nii-san.
In the dark water, I see curls of red, coming off of me, coming out of me. It's been a few hours… since you died, since I killed you. It wasn't easy, not in the least, and I was dizzy with rage, blood lust, lust for your death and for you. I was so angry you didn't love me, so angry for all those years you left me in the not-quite-alone that I ignored myself entirely. I can see now, how I'm bleeding from a large gash in my arm, and another in my back. One, no two of my fingers were cut off, and my side was slashed open. It only hurts more because you did it, and I can see that you did it. Tried to kill me… Hated me…
You hated me…
I push your body away, looking away and hating you, hating your perfect, and hating you for what you did, what you did to them, to me, to us, hating you hating you hating you!
You're gone, Nii-san…
Why can't I get that, you're gone!
Your body floats beside me in the still water, the only sounds a result of my screaming, writhing, crying. The water threatens to take us both in-under, swallow us entirely, and I reach for you again, sorry I pushed you away. I lay there with you, in the deathly-still ankle-deep lake that used to be a valley filled with life. I hold you, wiping my tears and my blood on your shirt, and wrapping my fingers into your hair as I tell you I hate you, over and over and over, I hate you, Nii-san.
But you know I'm half-lying.
Because I love you, Nii-san, love you like I shouldn't.
I press my face into your breast (trying to escape this fucking nightmare), which I know you wouldn't have let me done if this all had never happened. No, it would be wrong. I'm not supposed to love you like this. I knew you loved me as your brother, as family. And I had wanted you to love me as Sasuke.
The bloody water laps at my lips, kisses you never gave me. (wanted)
See me now, Nii-san?
I never cared if you were perfect…
Am I good enough now, Nii-san?
Your blood my blood, mingling mixing, together and inseperable. Don't leave me alone here… I'll take it all back. I don't want you to be dead…
My skin your skin, pressed against eachother like lovers or something to that effect. Your eyes are open and staring into at me, your hair all black and tangled unperfect, weighted gossamar on the mirrored surface of the water. The strands braid into mine, the same the same! I'm just like you now, or as close as I've ever been. And I'm coming with you, Nii-san. We can end it. Us; together. It can stop, and I don't have to hate you hate you hate you! anymore. You don't have to be perfect, because I'm not, I love you love you love (me?) love you, I'm not. Please, Nii-san…
I smile against your scarlet lips (that taste so sweetly dead), your beautiful, perfect lips that never used to smile. But I made you smile, smile for me for me for me.
My heart quivers as I give up on trying to live at all. There is no reason to do otherwise. Water fills my lungs, frozen and numbly tantalizing (just like you just like you) as it wraps around us. I can see you smiling at me as we spiral into black. I'm coming Nii-san, I won't leave you alone. I promise I won't. I will never let go…
Do you love me now, Nii-san?