A.N. - based on the book - Mary survivess the multi-suicide, Marys pov.
Bonnie is down stairs hanging by a noose Therese' is upstairs with three bottles of sleeping pills and Lux has just gone to the garage, and me? I'm stood in a corner, hiding in shadows, waiting for the boys to go past, it was lux's idea to bring them here, go out with a bang she said, at least none of them are smoking or that could be true for me. They go down the stairs laughing, they think were coming away with them and that this is some game, which it could easily be, the biggest game of our lives.
I open the oven door, I've already stored a pillow inside and taken a couple of Therese's pills, to help ease the passing, I turn on the gas as high as it'll go, I lie down and breath deep, filling my lungs with the fumes that will end this life, they make me sleepy and I breath again drifting off to where Cecilia is already waiting for me.
Shouts, noise, bright lights, is this heaven? No, I fell a mask on my face, oxygen creeping down into my lungs, I try and cough it up but the gas has already stolen my energy and what little I have left is used up thinking no no! NO!
I come to again slowly, light and images form in front of my eyes swimming as though I'm looking thought water, I see a white roof smell disinfectant, where am I? Am I dead? Did I make it? Questions swirling around in my head, my vision clears I see nurses. Hear the steady bleep of heart machine and suddenly it comes to me, im in hospital, I failed. I didn't make it all because I didn't want it to hurt, so many ways I could have chosen to die but I pick the easy one and it cost me my death. Tears well up in my eyes, why couldn't they just have left me alone? Why couldn't they have just let me die? I wonder if the others managed it. I struggle to sit up pushing on arms that don't fell like they've been used for weeks and look around, I don't see any body I know, where's mom and dad? Surly there waiting for me? A nurse see im awake and comes to talk to me, but im not listening, I pull the mask off and try to force my damaged lungs to work
'Where's my sisters?' I manage to wheeze
'Im afraid they didn't make it, hunny' says the nurse forging concern then looks startled to see me smiling.
A week later im let out of hospital and my parents take me back to the house, how can they stay here? They've scrubbed all trace of my sisters away gotten rid of every thing yet I can still feel them here, they call to me from the other side, urging me to hurry up and join them and I so desperately do, but I remember what we said, there's a month to wait before I can go to them, the dates have to be exact. I have a calendar in my head, a chart, ticking off the days until I can leave, with one week to go I tell my parents that im going for a walk, they don't ask where, they couldn't care less. So I go the drugs store and fill my pockets with all the sleeping pills I can, Therese took three bottles but she was thinner than me and I want to make sure. I go to the park and empty the pills into my pockets hiding the bottles in the bushes, so no-one will find them and stop me. I go home and hid the pills under a loose floor board lux used to use for hiding condoms, the space is empty now. Lux used the last of them months ago and was couldn't to get anymore.
Its tonight, the final night, I get a glass of water and carry it to our room, wedging the door shut with a towel, I do not want to be disturbed, I take every pill swallowing them down with water, not stopping until there is none left. I crawl into my sleeping bag and drift off just like the last time I tried but this time I awake to the warmth of the sun, Cecilia poking me in the ribs and luxes hair tickling my face.