John Sheppard's Book of Computer Repair
(A step by step process for non-geeks)
When encountering a computer problem (especially when you are just moments from finishing a report that took you all morning to write) try the following:
Stare at computer in disbelief.
Repeat the previously ignored command you just gave the computer over and over until it locks up completely.
Repeat the following mantra "No. No, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOO!"
Hit the "return" key several times as hard as possible, immediately segue into step #5.
Randomly slam keys on the keyboard until "blue screen of death" appears.
Unabashedly beg the computer for forgiveness. When that doesn't work…
Slap the monitor several times until it goes completely black.
Bang head on table repeatedly.
Accept the fact that your report is probably lost somewhere amongst the magical plastic cards that make up the computer. Sigh heavily.
Turn off computer.
Wait one minute while resisting the urge to kick computer through doorway.
Turn computer on and allow to reboot.
Curse violently at screen when smug "next time shut down windows properly" message appears.
Vainly attempt to find report somewhere on hard drive.
After spending more time trying to find the report than it actually took you to write it, take laptop to nearest available science geek.
Restrain self from strangling science geek while he/she shakes his/her head condescendingly, pulls up your missing document within three seconds, then lectures you on the proper handling of laptops.
Grit teeth. Thank geek.
Return to desk and complete last bit of report.
Enter command to print document.
When report will not print, check to see if printer is plugged in. Out of ink? Turned on? Out of paper?
Violently kick anything within reach (except laptop).
Sit on bed and rub sore foot.
Blow off report and go grab a sandwich in the mess hall instead. I highly recommend the turkey.