You've got mail
This fic is Alternate Universe running from partway through the first war and continues until after the end of Endless Waltz in the GW universe, and begins before and ends several months after Saffron is defeated in the R1/2 universe. (Duo 15, Ranma 17 at beginning), Warnings: AU, OOCness, Yaoi, & Het.
Flames will be used to light the burn barrel.
Re:Re: Top ten ways to get rid of unwanted women.
Monday, April 3rd
Ranma Saotome, you damn idiot. What the fucking hell are you thinking! When I suggested you get rid of your fiancées by getting pregnant I was JOKING! Your mother would kill both of us if I did what you asked me to do. More to the point, she'd make you kill you, after cutting off my head! Or don't you remember that little contract you and your pops signed when you were six? Just in case, let me remind you, if you come back to her as anything less that what she calls a man among men, you are Dead Meat! Being a pregnant girl would definitely get you killed!
Why the hell didn't you just ask us to get you out of there? We coulda figured out some way to do it without you having to play dead! I know you don't wanna just disappear, but face it bud, that's what it just might take. You can always tell your mom you're still alive later you know.
Ok I'll admit it, you really are desperate to get rid of the finacee brigade. Still telling them you prefer guys is Not going to help you given who you're dealing with! All you'll get is a beating from Akane an' your Pops an' attempts to change your mind from everyone else. And don't you Fucking DARE try to follow through with that damned crack-brained plan you mentioned as an alternative if me, Heero, an' Wu-man all refused to knock you up! Just to remind you (note the sarcasm, moron)...seducing boys as Ranko since there's no way in Hell I'll get you pregnant for this, is NOT A GOOD IDEA! If you do try it, I will personally Kick Your Miserable Ass Up Between Your Ears! By the look on his face, Heero plans to help me after he skins that damned Panda.
You damn well better be at the Preventer's branch office in Tokyo in 3 days. Go to the front desk and ask for any of us, we'll be waiting for you. If you don't show up before 4pm me and He-chan'll hunt you down and kidnap you. Straight out of the Dojo if we have to, swear to God. Fei'll help too if the look on his face is anything to go by. Man, I've never seen him turn that color before... maybe I should call Sally...;)
Oh, Hell. Heero just took off with THAT look on his face and the keys to the munitions room. I'd better go stop him from heading your way to playing sniper. I know exactly who he's gonna shoot, but now is Not the time! If you Don't show up Thursday, I'll let him do whatever the hell he want's while the rest of us find you. Who knows who he'll go after then, knowing him he'll just rig the entire Dojo to blow. No, wait, that's what I wanna do.
In any case, see you soon and Don't Do Anything Stupid!
Don't do anything without thinking it through. Meet us in 3 days or we will extract you from the Dojo without permission. In the meantime I'll try to keep the terrible two occupied.
Ok, I gotta admit this email doesn't make a lotta sense if you don't know some things. Like me meeting Duo, Wufei, and the rest when they hid out in Nerima during the first war, and me being so damn sick of the fiancées and enemies Pops saddled me with as well as the shit I got from the rest of the Nerima Wrecking Crew that Mom's seppku contract was startin' to look pretty damn good in comparison.
Yup, sad to say, I Ranma Saotome was so sick of all the crap that I had to put up with that I was about ready to end it all for good. Sure Duo thought all the messes I got into were funny as hell, but from my end it was fuckin' miserable.
An' ta make my life more complicated, meeting Duo and the guys made me realize that I didn't like just girls. Turns out, I liked boys too! Talk about freakin' out. I just about crushed my balls and drowned the first time I realized I wasn't just thinkin' 'bout the private bits you find on girls while I was… relieving stress so to say. Wakin' up to wet boxers after dreamin' about wrestling with Ryouga a couple of days later wasn't much better, especially since he was bedded down next to me in the Tendo's guest room at the time.
I avoided Duo and the guys like the plague after the bathroom 'incident', Ryouga too after that mind wrecking dream. Mousse was added to my avoid list soon after. This went on for about a week while I spent lots of time going through all Pops girly mags. It woulda lasted longer if Duo hadn't got the guys to help him corner me and tie me up away from the dojo so that I had to sit still so he could force me to tell him what my problem was.
It took him almost two hours of buggin' me before I finally told him what the problem was and why I'd been hiding from him and the others. It took much longer for him and Quatre to convince me that there was nothing wrong with me. Eventually they had to pull Trowa and Heero into the 'discussion' before I started believing them that maybe feelin the way I did wasn't so bad after all. It took me a while to get used to it, try months, but I eventually managed to get comfortable with the idea of being interested in other guys.
In any case, I made damn sure no one else found out about it. Especially Nabiki, since not only didi I not want her to have anything this major as blackmail material, but also because I wanted to keep my head right where it was. I also figured that if Ryouga got a hold on this info he'd either kill me himself for dreamin' about him, or he'd tell my pops so he'd kill me for him.
But that was just part of the problem.
To really understand where the email in question, you have to realize that I kept in contact with Duo and the guys even after I'd helped them blow the local OZ base and their spaceport to make sure nothin' could be sent to space from there. We usually emailed back and forth although Duo did occasionally call. I even went and helped wiht other jobs when they needed an extra pair of hands, someone they could trust who wasn't on OZ's capture list, or kami's help me, a real girl. Yeah, Yeah laugh all you want, but Duo needed a roommate in a girl's dorm for a few weeks once and the only other one avaliable was Trowa, who by the way makes one hell of a funny looking girl. Thank kami Nabiki never found out about that, or that most of my training trips during the second half of the war had very little or nothing to do with martial arts.
But enough of that, back to the story.
It'd been a bit more'n a year and a half since I'd met the Gundam pilots, there'd been another war, and by then the guys were all worked for or with the Preventers. Which, by the way, was the only thing that I'd ever really wanted to do besides run my own dojo. Kat and Trowa were still together, Wufei'd fallen for an Ex-Alliance rebel named Sally, and Duo and Heero'd moved in together. In other words, the guys had gotten thier lives more or less straightened out and were doin' just fine.
My life on the other hand was still rotten. Akane had gotten even worse after the ruined wedding and the fiasco with Saffron. She'd taked to hitting me every time I was near by and something pissed her off, usually something I wasn't even involved in. She was more jealous than ever, thinkin' that every time I went anywhere without her I was going off to meet up with Shampoo, Kodachi, or Ukyo. It got to the point where it was absolutely rediculous, and I had the worst time not smackin' her back when she hit me for running ahead of her to school anad the like. The other fiancees weren't helping a bit either. Shampoo wouldn't leave me the hell alone, Kodachi came by tryin' ta poison or drug me at least two or three times a week, and Ukyo was getting downright clingy.
To make matters worse, Ryouga and Mousse were both getting meaner and more inventive, but sad to say I was still reacting to them the way I wished I still reacted to Akane or Shampoo. To make matters worse, Pops and Akane's dad were continually coming up with crack-brained schemes to get Akane and me hitched, and blaming me when Akane was a bitch. At least Cologne and Happosai had both backed off.
As I'm sure you can guess, I was getting desperate. I even tried to tell mom that I liked guys so she would disown me after I refused to kill my self. I've never told Duo I went that far. He'd a had me locked up so fast… Anyway, she only heard what she wanted to, and decided that I was such a manly man because I was so interested in girls. I just about screamed.
In any case, that was about the time Duo sent me an email as a joke, "The Top Ten Ways To Get Rid of Unwanted Women". Sad to say, there were only three things I hadn't already tried, killing them, killing me, and one that I'm sure he made up especially for me, getting pregnant. Since the first option was out of the question, and I really didn't want to have to kill myself if I could avoid it, I decided to try option three. If I managed to get myself pregnant, no one would be able to ignore me when I said I wasn't going to marry any of the girls because I preferred men. I also figured that carrying my mother's first grandchild would help me convince her not to make me kill myself.
Once I'd decided this was a good idea, I started thinking about who's kid I wanted to have.
No, I wasn't totally rational at this point.
After some thought I created a list of 'potential donors' and started figuring out who I wanted as the father of my baby. Even to begin with the list was very short and by the time I was done it was down to two, maybe three people. Right away I scratched off Doc Tofu because I knew how he felt about Kasumi, and Pantyhose Taro because I really didn't want to be raped. I eventually decided that while Mousse was cute without the glasses, his vision or rather lack there of knocked him out of the running as did Ryouga's inherited lack of any sense of direction despite his having the sexiest butt I'd ever seen. Herb I didn't trust not to try to keep me as breeding stock, Saffron was too young besides being likely to kill me if he could.
In the end I decided that the only ones I trusted enough to let close enough ta get me pregnant were Duo, Heero, Wufei, Kat, and Trowa. Kat and Trowa had been a couple since before I'd met them so I took them off the list. That left me with Duo and Heero as my first choices to father my baby, since if I asked Wufei and he somehow agreed, we'ed have to get Sally Po's permission and help to do it artificially. Since I knew that Duo played both sides of the field and that Heero prefered men the only problem I could think of was that they were probably a couple. So I asked Kat just to make sure. When he told me that they were together I thought that that was the end of the pregnancy idea until I got the idea to ask them both of them at the same time if they'd be willing to get me pregnant.
I repeat, no I wasn't thinking staight at this point, not at all
Anyways, with this idea in mind I sent off a message in response to Duo's email addressed to both him and Heero asking if they would be willing to get me pregnant. Duo, obviously thinking I was joking, sent me back an email asking when I had in mind. It wasn't until I sent him a response with dates I would be fertile and an offer to come visit them when the time was right that he figured out that I was serious.
He was not happy.
As it turned out neither were Wufei or Heero. Sally, I found out later, thought it was one of the funniest things she'd ever heard.
In the end the guys managed to get me out of Nerima, back to headquarters with them, rid of all the fiancees, and into the Preventor's Agent training program. Trying to explain why the report on my personal history is thicker than the unabridged phone book for the entire Sank kingdom got me a visit to a shrink for a psyciatric evalutation.
I can see by the look on your face that you think I'm nuts. Yeah, well that's your problem. Though I gotta admit, I probably wouldn't believe me either if I hadn't lived through this crap. So I guess I'd better start at the beginning huh?
Where to start...
Hah! This whole mess started the day two new students joined my class at Furinken High School in Nerima. At first glance they both looked kinda young to be juniors, that is until I got a closer look at them. If you payed attention, their eyes looked much older than their faces, though the one with the braid hid it better than the Chinese boy…
AN: Hi people! No I am not dead and so far, neither is this fic or Demon's Angel. As I hope you've noticed, I've done a bit of rewriting on the prologue to hopefully smooth things out a bit. Let me know if this is an improvement or not, and yes I am aware of the fact that there are spelling troubles, the only computer I've currently got real access to doesn't have a spell check. I'm hoping to have a new chapter for Demon's Angel out with in the week, but am not going to make any promises.
I don't suppose anyone would be interested in beta reading chapters?