The Drinking Trivia Game
Disclaimer: You really think that if I owned Pokemon, it would have lost popularity? And if I owned Harry Potter, do you think there would be such a huge amount of crappy merchandise? The action figures don't even look right! And where was my slime? I demand my slime!
Notes: Oh dear…I try to avoid publishing things that I wrote in boredom, but I've been told this is funny, so here it is. Well, OK, I wasn't told it was funny, but I worked out it was from Roy's hysterical laughter over the phone.
It all began…with boredom.
It was a hot, stuffy Saturday afternoon. Jessie was stood on James's shoulders looking for an interesting/educational game in their abandoned cupboard. They were both trying to ignore the fact that James's knees were beginning to buckle. Discarded games littered the floor around them: 1000 piece jigsaws ('Cute Kittens' and 'Things to do with your T-Rex') jumbled up and stuffed in one box titled 'Meowth's Crap', a Monopoly set with the Go square chewed off (Ekans, 1998) and that timeless classic, Kerplunk!
Suddenly, Jessie saw a large and tempting box. She reached for it just as James's knees went Kerplunk.
They ended up on the floor in a jumbled, yet totally platonic pile.
Jessie grabbed the box and was exceedingly annoyed to find it was ANOTHER jigsaw, which had exploded on the floor when they'd fallen. The kittens and T-Rex were now mixed with 101 Dalmations playing the piano.
"This is junk!" said Jessie in a wild fury. "Get up James! We need to try again!"
James moaned and spat out a piece of jigsaw kitten. "Why don't you try the bottom shelf?"
"There's nothing there except broken weapons!" said Jessie, throwing them aside. James dodged a mean looking spanner and a fan with his face imprinted in it. But then Jessie struck gold.
"Yes!" she screamed, grabbing an unopened version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone Trivia Game, covered in dust. "This is perfect!" James gave a little happy squeal, and they spent 10 of the happiest minutes of their lives drawing pictures in the dust. When the dust settled again, they realised their fate: they were actually going to have to PLAY the commercialised game to avert death by boredom. James ripped open the immense packaging.
"Darn!" he said.
"Darn those US sensors," he muttered. "This game is for 3 to 6 players." In a happy coincidence, the doorbell rang and the door was kicked down to reveal Butch and Cassidy, my favourite playthings. They were carrying a large, cheap bottle of vodka.
"Meowth!" called Butch. "We brought the vod—" He noticed Jessie and James, who blinked in a confused way.
"Meowth thought it would be a pleasant idea to spike your bedtime milk," explained Cassidy, attempting to smooth down her hair. Jessie blinked again. James blushed. Butch sniggered.
"Oh shut up Butch, or I'll tell everyone about the time you wet yourself on training day," said Jessie in a bored yet threatening fashion. "I have pictures." Butch turned an intriguing shade of red.
"I remember that!" said James delightedly. "We were all in the same group and the Boss appeared and you clutched me and got all scared and—"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Butch.
"I'm willing to retain that information if you do something for me," said Jessie happily. Butch sighed and shook his head.
"Look, I told you already, Cassidy isn't interested in you." His words were met with mixed reactions: puzzled look from James, triumphant look from Cassidy…murderous glare from Jessie.
"Now you definitely have to play," she snarled.
OK, the original plan was to post this fic in the three parts I wrote it in…but…since it's short, and I'm sure you love it already, I'll post scene 2 with scene 1 and leave the last twoscenes for another time, OK? Here we are.
"I call red!"
"I always have to be green!" moaned Butch. "Can't we go by eye colour instead of hair colour?"
"They don't usually stock purple," said Cassidy, one eyebrow raised.
"You could have green for a change," suggested Butch.
"That's no where near purple!"
"They're both secondary colours…"
"But my eyes are green!" wailed James unhappily. Jessie slid off the lid, bored with their pointless discussion.
"This discussion is pointless," she grumbled. "And there isn't green."
"YES!" cried Butch, with the fervour reserved only for Ash in his few moments of triumph.
"Or red. Or blue or yellow."
"There has to be…" said Cassidy, trying to grab the box. "What other colours are there?"
"Aquamarine?" suggested James, in the hopes of still being able to get something blue.
"Black, white, silver, gold, bronze, grey…I call black!" yelled Jessie, grabbing the mini wizard hat.
"I call white!" called James. He grinned at Jessie. "This season's colours."
"You read my mind," said Jessie, smiling back at him. They were interrupted by loud, fake gagging noises from Butch.
"You two are just so CUTE!" he said, a finger in the direction of his throat.
"What's wrong Butch?" asked Jessie pleasantly.
"Swallowed your cigarette?" asked James. Butch pouted. James pouted. James's pout was way cuter.
"I call gold then, because Team Rocket are winners!" said Cassidy, oblivious to all those around her (my, that IS unusual). She was met with startled glances and puzzled blinks. "Oh what, so now I can't be patriotic? It's already impossible for my hair to look good." Jessie sniggered.
"Are we actually gonna play or not?" said James impatiently.
"Please say not!" begged Butch as he was passed a silver wizard's hat.
"I have pictures," said Jessie darkly.
"Come on guys, let's play!" said Butch with forced enthusiasm. He unfolded the board and set out the various pieces and cards: quiz cards, curse cards, charm cards, spell cards and ones with cute little pictures of the Sorting Hat on them. Jessie grabbed the instructions.
"First we have to choose our houses," she said, holding out the cards. James picked Hufflepuff, whilst Jessie picked Ravenclaw. Butch and Cassidy both chose Slytherin, which they were incredibly happy about.
"Why are you happy?" James demanded, in the voice of one who knows too much about Harry Potter to live (sadly, like me). "You've just been sorted into the worst possible house!" He put on his special Dumbledore voice. Jessie groaned. "Every single dark wizard, including Voldemort, came from Slytherin!"
"James, HOW many times have you watched those awful movies?" asked Jessie.
"More importantly, will it give you an advantage?" asked Cassidy, trying to push her hair back into a less gravity defying style. Jessie smirked at her. That Super Glue she'd mixed with a bottle of Cassidy'sshampoo back at Pomemon Techwas lasting longer than she first imagined. Her and Butch had bets on how long it would hold out. So far, she thought at least 15 more years. Butch, he of little faith, only reckoned another 5. An easy million yen for her.
"I think the game's based on the book," Butch reassured her. They were about to launch into a rant about the movies, when Jessie cut in with, you guessed it, more blackmail.
"Let's get on with it before the Pokemon world discovers that each of you owns a Harry Potter action figure," she advised. James pouted.
"And mine didn't even look like Hermione," he said crossly. Butch looked stunned.
"How much blackmail material have you got?" he asked, incredulously.
"It's my retirement fund," she replied, with a smug look on her face. James began reading the instructions.
"The aim is to collect 6 charm cards by answering questions. You roll the dice and the square you land on defines the type of question you're asked."
"What kind of a dice has the number 11 on it?" mused Butch, twirling it in his fingers. Cassidy shrugged.
"A really, really bad one?"
"I call quiz master!" said Jessie immediately.
"If you land on or pass over a spell square you take a spell card…answer a question correctly and you get a charm card, answer it wrong and you get a curse. Any questions?" James looked at the group.
"As quiz master I now change the rules," said Jessie. "I say James goes first and you have to collect ten charm cards instead of six before…"
"…you return to your house to answer one final question." With this, Jessie and James grabbed the question card box and the dice.
"Let the game begin!" they cried. Butch and Cassidy looked very scared.
That's enough for one day! Remember…if you don't review, you're stealing from me! That's right! Stealing my talent and wit and not even commenting on it! So ha-ha to you! You must review! You must review!
Crawdie: Is that your Dalek voice?
Good, isn't it? EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!