AN The wait wasn't too bad, was it? Wow you guys are too cool. I love getting Reviews. They make want to write more. And YES I am evil.
Chapter 13: Selfish
Waking up in the hospital was one of the more frightening things I've had happen in my life. Staring up at the stark white ceiling and not remembering how I got there was certainly not a comforting moment. It took me a few minutes before the events of the evening before flashed before me. I groaned. A body beside me began to stir. Harry blinked a few times. "You're awake. Thank God."
I tried to sit up, but searing pain in my chest and right shoulder kept me down. "How bad is it?"
"You're lucky Ginny was a terrible shot. The fist bullet glanced of a rib and the second landed in your shoulder. They want to keep you for a few days, but they said that you'll be fine," he said with a trembling voice. Harry's eyes were bloodshot and he had dark circles under his eyes.
"There was a third shot," I said trying to ignore the pain.
"She…she shot herself in the head." A single tear slid down his cheek. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Severus, I am so sorry. When I found you, I thought you were dead. Oh, God. I am so sorry."
I was helpless as he sobbed. Reaching over awkwardly with my left arm, I touched the back of his hand. "It wasn't your fault. Ginny was sick."
"If I could take the pain for you, I would. I never imagined that she'd hurt you. I was the one she was waiting for. She wrote a letter to her mother telling her that we were finally going to be together. If I had been there first…"
I shook my head. "If you had been there first, you may have died. Do you know what I was thinking when it happened?"
Harry wiped away his tears and shook his head.
"I was thinking that I love you, and that I wished I could have told you how sorry I was. You were right; I was being a vindictive asshole. Will you forgive me?"
"I already have. I love you so much. I don't know what I would have done if I would have lost you," he said caressing my cheek. With me in the bed and him in the chair, kissing was a near impossibility. Harry cleared his throat. "I'll go tell someone that you're awake."
A petite, Asian woman with short, graying hair came in moments after Harry had left. "Mr. Snape, welcome back to the living. I'm Dr. Wenn." She poked and prodded at me for a few minutes writing it all down on a clipboard. "You are an extremely lucky man."
I nodded. "Harry told me that she was a particularly bad assassin."
Her lips twitched slightly. "I was referring to the fact that your boyfriend loves you so much. He hasn't left the hospital in almost two days."
"I am lucky," I agreed. A lump formed in my throat. I hadn't noticed that Harry was still in a very rumpled set of work clothes.
When he came back in, two more familiar faces followed him. Draco and Remus both looked relieved. "I knew you wouldn't die," Draco said boldly.
I smiled wryly. "Of course not, I'm far too stubborn for that."
I was released from the hospital three days later. Harry and Remus both insisted I stay with them until I was healed. For the most part, I the pain in my chest subsided. I was forced to keep my arm in a sling and rest. Harry took time off of work to be with me for the first two days. True, I had never really seen Harry as anything less than independent, but being somewhat temporarily disabled myself made me understand how he could be so touch about being babied. It was quite annoying to have him taking care of me.
Harry attended Ginny's funeral alone. I wasn't going to mourn the woman who shot me, and I wasn't exactly up for it physically either. Remy, on the other hand, couldn't go because he had problems coming to terms with the fact that she intended to kill his godson. It was hard on Harry. The stress of the whole ordeal was written plainly across his face. Though none of the Weasleys held him accountable, he knew that the relationship he had with them would never be the same again. It seemed everyone felt themselves to blame for the death of Ginny. Arthur was a retired FBI agent, and the gun she'd killed herself had belonged to him. Molly felt that if she had been a better mother, Ginny would have been stronger. Ron thought that by taking attention away from his sister, he had been to blame. The list went on. Even I had my regrets. Her funeral seemed to drag these thoughts out into the fore front.
Days turned to weeks, and I was back up to speed again with only two fresh scars remaining from the wounds. I had hoped that things would go back to some semblance of normalcy. Remus and I had all but switched homes. He stayed most nights with Draco and I had all but moved in with Harry. But things had changed. He was distant and reserved. I was shocked beyond words when he told me that he had taken year's leave of absence from his job. Knowing how much coaching and being the director meant to him, I couldn't believe that he would give it up for anything. In my heart, I knew that he was pulling away from me. I would wake up alone, and realize that something was broken inside of him. All he had ever wanted was to make the people around him happy, protect them, but in his eyes he had failed.
I found Harry sitting facing the pool late one night. He hadn't even opened the door to the backyard since it happened. Though the area had been cleansed of all traces of that day, it was tainted. "I'm selling the house," he told me.
"I used to only think of how we shared our first kiss out there, and now all I see is you lying in a pool of your own blood. And Ginny… I just can't go out there anymore." He shuddered.
"What do you want to do, Harry? You can't give up your life because she chose to end hers."
"No, I can't," he agreed. "But what now? I hired a grief counselor for the kids at the center, but I think that maybe I'm having a harder time with this than they are. I just keep reliving it over and over again. Stupid, I know. I wasn't even the one who got shot."
"It's not stupid, Harry." I bent down and laid the palm of my hand on his cheek. "Come with me to Tahiti. We can work everything out far away from here. We can go anywhere. Name a place and we will go together. I only want to see you happy."
"Severus, if I asked you to do something, would you do it for me?" he asked looking away. I didn't like this one bit.
"I depends on what you want," I said cautiously.
"I want you to go to Tahiti."
"We can leave as soon as I make reservations," I told him hoping that I had misunderstood him.
"Go alone. You need to be free, and I need to get my head straight. When I look at you, I can't help but hate myself. I feel empty." Tears fell down his cheeks, and I knew how much it hurt his pride.
I would have rather been shot again than feel the absolute agony of hearing those words. "I love you, Harry. Do you think I can just walk away?"
"I love you too."
"Then why are you dumping me?"
"I'm not. I…I… I don't know what I want, or need."
In that moment, I think I understood. He was being selfish, and it was exactly what he needed to do. Though it hurt like hell, I had to be the selfless one for once. I loved him enough to leave. "I will go, but with one stipulation."
"What is that?"
I swallowed hard. "I want you to promise me that if you ever want me, or need anything, that you'll let me know."
He lost whatever was left of his composure, and I admit that mine was slipping. My eyes stung in a way they haven't since I was ten years old. "I promise," he whispered.
Two days later, all of my bags were packed and my plans were set. I left everything, including my car, for Draco to use as he please. The blonde was quick to tell me what a fucking moron I was. Remus, at least, seemed to understand a little better than his young lover did. He drove me to the airport in silence. I think he was half hoping that I would change my mind and tell him to dive me to Harry's new apartment. No matter how much I wanted to, I wouldn't do that. I gave him a quick hug, and thanked him for everything.
"You'll be back," he told me. In that instant, I could see Draco's influence on him.
"Perhaps I will be. Only if he wants me," I added.
Remus nodded. "He does. You take care, and for God's sake wear this."
He handed me a tube of sun block. I laughed, and told him I would.
From the moment, I got off of the plane, I hate this God forsaken island! I had rented a private villa with a pool, and beachfront property. It didn't take me long to discover that the only thing more vile than pool water was salt water. I spent most of my time staring at the pool remembering how Harry had felt in my arms that night. I would poor myself a drink and stare at the moonlit water. Dancing with Harry had been the first time in my life that I ever truly felt happy.
I had told Draco once that I had never been in love even though I wrote about it. Now, I truly understood what it was to be in love. Was I a better man for it? The answer to that is an unequivocal "yes." Harry changed my life. Now, I knew that I would wait for him until he was ready. It wasn't perfect, but it was love.
About a month in to my trip, I picked up my notebook and began typing. I wanted to share this. Why? I can't be entirely certain. If you've made it this far, I've no doubt that you are unfulfilled by the ending. In this case, all I ask is that you consider how it feels for me. Here I sit rambling on about the man that I love, knowing that I can't be with him. For once in my life, I will dare to be optimistic. I think that I will eventually get my happy ending. I'm vain enough to believe that he will contact me. When he does, rest assured that I will write about it. Harry has become my one and only muse. In my dreams, I am dancing with Harry. Until I live that dream again, I will wait.
Is this the end? Maybe, I do WANT to write a sequel using another POV. Harry's maybe, BUT I need a beta. If you are willing, email me, or put it in your review along with an email address. I do thank you all for reviewing. I honestly didn't think anyone would read this, so you definitely are my fav peps right now.