Sick and Tired of all that SITH
Summary: Rewritten in meater, extended, story format. Darth Sidious, Count Dooku and the returning Darth Maul realize that they're UTTERLY BORED with their lives. SO Palpatine, aka Sidious, becomes the NICEST guy in the universe, Dooku becomes a hiphop Eminem wannabe, and Maul strives to become the next William Shakespeare. Madness ensues.
Chapter I: Sick and tired
It was one fine day. Count Dooku and the EVIL Darth Sidious were sitting around in the conference room of their oh-so-secret really secret base in some really secret planet that was erased from the Jedi Archives…So that it'd be really really secret.
Count Dooku, as usual, was seated on his seat, waiting for his Master, Darth Sidious' inquisition about their progress in the war. He tapped his fingers on the table as he quietly stared at Sidious. He had one elbow on the table as his chin rested over his hand.
One thing was for sure…Count Dooku looked really, REALLY BORED…So bored, that he wouldn't mind having a coloring book to color right now. Hopefully, one with thick lines so that he wouldn't have to worry about coloring out of them. Heck, a Jedi Youngling coloring book would do! Even if it had drawings of JarJar in it!
Darth Sidious, the incredibly EVIL Dark Lord that he was, leaned on the table towards Dooku. "So, uh, now what?" He asked. There was also a tone of boredom in his voice.
Dooku just shrugged, still tapping his fingers on the table.
"So…Have you taken over Kashyyk yet?" Asked the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Dooku shrugged again. "Workin' on it." His eyes wandered towards the window. He couldn't help but wonder what his former allies, the Jedis, were doing at the moment… Probably partying after their victory in the outer rim. And knowing the party planner that Mace Windu was, it was probably one of those hugeass parties.
"…briefed the Separatists of our plans?" Asked Sidious again.
The former Jedi just shrugged and yawned. "Yeap. Did that yesterday. Everything's said and done."
"Taken my dog Popo out on his morning walk?"
Dooku lifted his hand and held Popo up in the air using the force. "Yeap." Then he slowly put him back down.
" Made prank calls to the Jedi Council?"
Dooku boringly shrugged, yet again. "Yeeeaaap."
"Sent my secret admirer love letters to Mon Mothma?"
Dooku sighed and looked at Sidious. "She knows it's you, you know. I think using the codename 'The Supreme Chancellor' doesn't help."
"DRAT!" Exclaimed Sidious as he pounded a hand on the table.
50 minutes later…
Dooku was STILL tapping his fingers on the table as he looked at Sidious. His eyelids were on the verge of closing while he tried to fight sleep. Apparently though, his master, at this time of boredom, had found something to amuse himself.
Sidious was slumped back on his chair and was turning it around and around as he looked up at the ceiling. "This is quite amusing. Really, you should try it."
"No thank you. You've been doing that for almost 50 minutes now. If you stop, you're gonna puke all over the place. And THEN you're going to ask me to clean it all up." Dooku said in his low, booming voice.
Sidious continued to turn his chair around and around "No I'm not. I'm above puking. I'm the freakin' sith lord!" He suddenly stopped, paused in silence for a few seconds, and then puked all over the floor. "Whoops. Didn't see THAT coming…"
Dooku rolled his eyes in irritation. If he didn't care about his smooth, silky silver hair, he'd pull it all out right now. "What have I gotten myself into! I knew I shouldn't have joined YOU! I wanted to rule the galaxy, dammit! Not become YOU'RE bitch!"
"Too late for that now!" Shouted Sid. "You signed the contract, so you stick with me! So nyaa!" He stuck his tongue out at Dooku. "Sucker!"
Dooku grimaced. "Stop that! That's very uncharacteristic of you." If Sidious weren't his master, he would have already given him an intergalactic wedgie.
"I can do whatever I want, whenever I want! I'm a freakin' Sith LORD!" He said, pouting, and crossed his arms over his chest. "And YOU are just MY apprentice! So you're just going to do what I ask you to!" He stuck his tongue out at Dooku again.
"Whatever." Dooku muttered as he rolled his eyes. Oh how he would love to nail that tongue to the table.
Then, as if from out of nowhere, as if the stars themselves have realigned, the door to the conference room suddenly swung open and in came…Darth Maul in all his living glory…with TONS and TONS, of sticky tape wrapped around his mid section where Obi-Wan had sliced him in two in Episode I.
Dooku and Sid both gasped in surprise, eyes wide with SHOCK. "DARTH MAUL!" They both exclaimed.
"I thought you were dead!" Shouted Sid as he pointed at Maul.
Maul stepped towards them and spoke in the exact same tone he did two movies ago. "Soon! We will reveal ourselves to the Jedi! Soon, we will have our REVENGE!"
Sidious and Dooku looked at each other.
Then Sid turned towards Maul. "Okay, seriously, you gotta STOP it with those lines. Like, right now. I mean, they're getting old…Three episodes old!"
Dooku sighed. "Pfft, now I know why I'M the better apprentice. And why I'M the better conversationalist. I, at least, have a vocabulary of more than fourteen words!"
"Ditto!" Concurred Sidious.
Then the impossible happened. Maul, who only learned to speak fourteen words since Sidious had kidnapped him when he was a baby, suddenly broke out, his voice filled with so much emotion. "But I can't help it! I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ! OR WRITE!" Tears started to stream down his tattooed cheeks. He felt like falling on his knees but refrained because he knew that this scene was already too cheesy as it was.
"YOU!" He bellowed as he pointed at Sidious. "You never taught me how to read and write! And that's probably because you didn't want me to read those scribbly things on the Apprenticeship contracts you made me sign! You didn't even let me watch SESAME STREET! I feel so deprived!"
Sidious stared at Maul with wide eyes. "Hooookay. Looks like we have a situation here." He mumbled to himself.
"Houston, we have a problem." Added Dooku.
Dooku and Sidious were obviously not taking Maul seriously.
Maul threw a fit and pounded his feet on the floor. "That's it! I'm tired of being ME! From now on, I shall learn how to read and write! I shall expand my vocabulary so that I can use words like juxtaposed and vernacular and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"
Dooku waived his index finger in the air. "That last one's not even a word."
"I don't care!" Maul shouted, sounding like a ten year old brat. "Because from now on…I shall be the NEW and IMPROVED Darth Maul! I shall be a master of literature and words!" He held up a dictionary. "I am sick and TIRED of all this 'silent and deadly' crap. I will learn the works of Shakespeare, Alexander Pope and William Butler Yeats! I shall be the GREATEST literary master the Sith has ever known!"
Dooku just wanted to die. He couldn't believe that THIS was the apprentice he replaced. What in the world was Sidious' standard for apprenticeship! "Lord Sidious, give me the command and I will immediately redismantle this former apprentice of yours. It seems as if he had lost one of the horns on his head."
Sidious suddenly stood up. And there was something --- different about him. "No wait! Maul is right!" He shouted, the boredom torn from his voice.
Dooku, taken by his master's sudden action, immediately unleashed his red, hot, throbbing lightsaber, ready to redo what Kenobi had done two episodes ago. Then at the realization of what his master had just said, he stopped his attack and looked at Sidious with eyes wide open and jaw gaped in awe. "WHAT!"
"DARTH MAUL IS RIGHT!" Replied Sidious, raising a clenched fist.
The old former Jedi looked confused as he looked at the dark lord.
"Don't you see, Dooku! We've been dying of BOREDOM for the past year because we are so FREAKIN' SICK OF OURSELVES!" Sid walked away from his chair and quickly yanked his hood off, exposing the Chancellor's face. "I, for one, am so SICK and TIRED of being the galaxy's official BASTARD! I mean, it's all BORING. Being THE Sith Lord sucks ass! There's no real action! I just sit around in my throne room all day, staring at the walls, bossing people around, pretending to be that boo-hoo Chancellor who can't even stand up for himself, and talking to you guys in holo! What kind of life is that! What are my grand kids gonna say when they find out that their grand daddy had led such a boring and useless life!"
"I cannot agree more, my former master!" Maul said gleefully.
Dooku didn't know what to say or what to do. It seemed as if both his master and his master's former apprentice have gone off the deep end. What the fuck was happening? They were supposed to be the badasses of the galaxy, not the galaxy's primary candidates for a life reform program.
But then, at that moment, Dooku started to think about his own life…He thought about the man he had been for the past eight decades…Then it HIT him. The realization HIT him fast and hard like a Geonosian speeder on crack.
"Oh. My. God! I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you two ARE right!" Dooku suddenly shouted. He looked like he had just been rejuvenated. "After a couple of seconds of pondering about my 83 years of wasted life, I have also realized that I, TOO, AM SICK OF MYSELF! SO FUCKIN' SICK OF MYSELF!"
"YEAH!" Cheered Sidious.
"YEAH! Say it, Dooku! You ARE sick of yourself." Added Maul.
"I. AM. SICK. OF. MYSELF!" Dooku slammed his hand on the table. "SOOOO sick and BORED of being an uptight twit who always has to worry about his manners and his elegance and his posture and his accent and his hair and…"
"You've always worried about your hair?" Asked Sidious.
"WHATEVER!" Replied Dooku. "Aaaanywayz, I believe it's about time that we have a change around here! A big change! A change that will put the meaning back into our sordid, boring and dark lives!" His voice was filled with passion and excitement.
"Yes! I believe it's about time that we have a change around here!" Continued Sidious.
Dooku pursed his lips and looked at his master. "Um, I just said that. I just did. Like, a second ago." He said in a low tone.
"Yeah, but I'm the big boss, so I should be the one saying stuff like that around here." Sidious said, oh so proudly. "After all, check your apprenticeship contract. It states there that I can steal your lines as I see fit, or if they'll make me sound cooler."
Count Dooku and Darth Maul just stared at each other and shrugged.
"Then it's settled then!" Exclaimed the jolly Sidious. "I, for a change, will become the NICEST guy in the galaxy…The SWEETEST, NICEST, most ADORING man in the whole freakin' GAUNIVERSE! I will spread peace and goodwill and candies and unicorns to each and every planet, even to those of the Separatists! I will give love, not pain…Then, perhaps, Mon Mothma will learn to LOVE ME too!"
Sidious pulled out a framed picture of Mon Mothma from under his robes. The picture had pink hearts drawn over it and a note that read "Sid and Mon 4evur". He looked at the picture with dreamy eyes and cuddled it close to his cheek.
Maul, who was now flipping through a number of books, narrowed his eyes and looked at the dark lord curiously. "Wait…Did you just say…gauniverse? Is that even in the dictionary?" Maul licked the tip of his finger and flipped through his dictionary.
"Shut up, Merriam-Webster." Snapped Sidious.
Dooku's eyes widened and a huge grin spread across his old face. "YES! YES! And I, the still ruthless and charismatic Count Dooku of Serenno, aka Darth Tyranus, aka One of the Fallen Twenty, shall now be known as Slim Dooky Dawg. Gone will be my uptight manners and carefully constructed phrases. Gone will be my elegance and unwavering posture. From now on, I will be in the shizzle rawkin' you dawgz out on the house! And I will get LAID!"
Filled with vigor, he stood up and pulled out a baseball cap from his cape. The cap had "Led Zepparatist" printed on it and he snuggly put it on backwards. He pulled out a couple of studded gold rings from his pocket and placed them on each finger. Then he took off his cape and his black suit (leaving his tank top on) and wrapped the long sleeves around his waist. And as a final touch, he pulled his pants down to his hips and hung the chain that used to hold his cape, on his pocket.
"ROCK ON!" Using the force, he jumped on the table and did the "Y" sign with his thumb and pinky. "Let's party like it's FUCKIN' nineteen ninety niiiiine! YEAAAHHH! Bring out the lemon-aaade!" He force-pulled the lightsaber from his belt and used it as a faux microphone. "Let's partay! LET'S PARTAY! Raise the roof, uh huh!" He chanted as he waved a hand in the air.
Sidious and Maul's eyes widened, and then they stared at each other.
"Isn't he a little TOO old for that?" Asked Maul.
Sidious shrugged. "Meh. He's been a celibate Jedi for seven decades. Let the old boy have his FUN for a change."
"And as for me…" Maul raised his chin up in the air like a proud bard and held his books close to him. "I shall learn the ancient arts of literature and become this galaxy's prime literary master. Everyone will bow down to my mastery of words! My name, Darth Maul, or rather, J.D.R. Maul, will be printed on every book and every holochron! Scholars will chant my name and talk about me for years to come! I, I shall rule the world of literature and POETRY! And I will have my revenge! Hmmm…in fact, I'm thinking of writing my own play. It will be a play, about us, our adventures in the galaxy. Yes…yesss…hmmm…"
Maul took a quill from his pocket and started to write down stuff on his notebook.
"It will be about how three Sith Lords, that's you…" He pointed at Dooku, who was now sitting on the side of the table. "…me and Sidious, have found our meaning in life. And I shall call it, The Ballad of the Three Sith Lords! It shall be shown on all Opera Houses! It will be the play of the century! And WE shall star in it! Then at the end of the play, I will stand on stage, alone, and bask in the audience's applause of my writing prowess!"
"To be, or not to be…THAT is the question." Said Sidious.
"Ditto! Can't agree more, bro." Added Dooku. He was doing some weird movements with his hands as he talked.
"Dooku, my friend, will you REALLY start talking like that from now on?" Sidious asked as he looked at his reformed apprentice.
"You got that right, Sid." Replied Dooku. He was doing some funky movements with his hands again. "Ahm gonna' be talking like a punkass boy, yo!" He suddenly grabbed Sidious' hand and started slapping it around.
"What in the world are you doing!" Sidious asked as Dooku did some crazy handshake-like things with his hand.
Then Dooku suddenly pulled Sid in a hug and patted him on the back.
"Dat's gonna be our handshake from now on, dude. Got dat?" He asked.
Sidious quickly took a step away from Dooku. "You…are…scaring me…"
Maul stepped between them with his chin still up in the air "Ah, perhaps Dooku is just in need of a little air. It is quite stuffy in here if I say so myself. What say you we traverse the galaxy in search of some amusement? Coruscant perhaps? Or Naboo? Because wherever we are, I cannot find my inspiration here."
Dooku walked to Maul and lightly punched him on the chest. "Duuude, you sound kinda gay, man. Loosen' up, bro."
Maul tsked and gently brushed off the portion of his chest that Dooku had just punched. "Well, ol' chap, if you find my way of talking jocular, then you better check on yours…Because I, myself, find your new way of talking rather incongruous."
The old Jedi narrowed his eyes and flexed his bare arms. "Man, you are sooo gonna get your ass fried." He pulled out his lightsaber and ignited it.
The now NON-EVIL Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Sidious, immediately stepped between, hoping to stop his apprentices before they engaged in a battle of brains against brawn. Surprisingly, Maul now seemed like the brains while Dooku now seemed like the brawn. "Friends, friends. Stop this. As you can see, the only friends we have in the world are each other. Make love, not war. Spread peace, not hatred. Love --- LOVE is what the galaxy needs in this time of death and destruction."
Dooku raised a brow and shifted his weight on one foot. "Sid, you WERE the one who started all this death and destruction. You got them homies in the republic fightin' 'gainst mah separatist dawgz, man."
"And that's why we'll have to stop it now, don't we?" He said with a smile.
"Correct." Said Maul. "May I suggest we make our way to Coruscant first? I believe it is there where the Senate and the Jedi Council reside."
"You are indeed correct, Maul. We shall head off to Coruscant, and THAT is where I shall correct the mistake I had made. As Chancellor Palpatine, I will halt the war and restore peace in the galaxy. And then…THEN…" He cuddled Mon Mothma's picture against his cheek again. "…Then perhaps my beloved Mon Mothma will finally realize that I am the man she needs, the man she WANTS!"
"Dude, you are soooo seriously obsessed with that babe." Said Dooku, then he turned to Maul. "Hey, Maul, there was even this one time, when I caught him in his room and he had that picture with him on the bed and he was wan---"
Sidious quickly grabbed Dooku's cap, turned it around and pulled the brim over Dooku's eyes, covering the count's line of sight. "Ooooookay. That's ENOUGH! Can we just lay off my personal life now? Please?" He sounded rather irritated.
"Hey!" Exclaimed Dooku. He immediately pulled the cap up and twisted it around so that it was on backwards again. " If you say so, mastur." He sighed.
Sidious placed his hands on his waist and scolded the count. "And stop referring to me as mastur with a 'u'. It makes me feel…all…dirty."
Dooku punched Sidious on the arm. "Got it, MastEr."
"Better." Sidious sighed and rubbed his arm. "Anyway, we should fly to Coruscant now before it's too late. I have to deprogram that darned Order 66 from those clones before they blast each and every Jedi from the face of the universe."
The old former Jedi suddenly placed his arms over Maul and Sidious' shoulders, holding the two Sith Lords in a group hug. "Dudes! You guys, you know what this means!"
"What?" Maul irritatingly asked as he slowly moved Dooku's arm off of him.
"ROAD TRIP!" Dooku shouted.
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Next: ROAD TRIP