Chapter 7's up :D! Once again, thanks for the kickass reviews :D!
Chapter 7: Are we there yet
2 hours later…
"HEY! MUST BE THE MONEEEEY!" Shouted Dooku for the nth time.
It had already been two hours since they had left the incredibly secret remote planet that nobody knew about, and THAT SONG was STILL PLAYING. In fact, Dooku had it on repeat so that he didn't have to manually replay it whenever it ended.
Apparently, Palpatine had lost count of how many times the song had been replayed and how many times Dooku had said that line. But he didn't really care anymore. He had blocked out the world while staring at Mon Mothma's smiling picture.
"Four more hours to go, my love…Four more hours to go before your beloved admirer finally confesses his undying love for you!" He took out a pink marker from his pocket and drew another small heart in the picture. Then he kissed the picture and hugged it so incredibly close to his chest. "I love you forever." He sighed dreamily.
Maul, on the other hand, looked like his head was about to explode. His eyes were wide and watery, and his hands were over his ears in a dire attempt to block the never ending music from his battered brain. He just couldn't take it anymore…The music kept on going…and going…and Dooku's singing made it worse… He was already on the verge of snapping like a rubber band that had reached its elastic limit.
Then from out of nowhere, he suddenly ripped the seat belt off of him and stood up screaming. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" He shouted. "MY HEAD'S GOING TO EXPLODE!"
They say that in space, no one can hear you scream. But in Maul's case, THAT saying probably didn't apply at the moment.
He ran to one of the doors and tried to twist the latch open with his bear hands. He'd rather get sucked into space and die a gruesome death than hear ANOTHER line from that song and ANOTHER word from Count Dooku's singing.
Dooku's eyes widened at the sound of Maul's scream, and he looked back to check on him. "What up, yo! You sound like you just woke up from a nightmare!"
Maul turned around and looked at Dooku. The Zabrak's eyes burned with rage as he slowly walked to the driver's seat. Maul definitely looked furious. He looked like he was about to rip someone's appendages off.
"WOKE UP FROM A NIGHTMARE?" He shouted at the count. "I am STILL in the nightmare no thanks TO YOU!" He pointed a finger at him.
"Me!" Asked Dooku, placing a hand on his chest. "I dun nothing, bro!"
Then Maul looked at the CD player and he pointed at it. "IT'S THAT THING! THAT MONSTER! THAT is what is causing me my PAIN! MY SORROW! I DEMAND that you turn off that nefarious music --- noise box at once!"
Dooku furrowed his eyebrows. "Wha?" He asked, looking all confused. "You talkin' about my music, man? Well, my music has nothing to do with 'YOUR PAIN', dude. You're probably just havin' your menstrual cramps or some shit like dat. Don't go blamin' it on me, bro!"
Maul gasped. "How DARE you INSULT me as SUCH? And right in the presence of our master too! What will he think of this?" Maul looked at Palpatine.
Palpatine was lost in his own little dream world as he looked and murmured at Mon Mothma's picture. "…And after we get married, I'm going to build you a house." He murmured, poking at Mon Mothma's still face. "…A really pretty house in Naboo…Really, really nice and pretty with lots of flowers and puppies and rabbits and windows. And I'll color the roof auburn…Like your hair." He dreamily sighed and stroked her two dimensional hair with his finger. "And you will love me forever and ever and then every night, we will…"
Dooku cocked a brow at the sight of his disillusioned master. Then he looked at Maul. "I dunno about you, man, but he doesn't seem to care about it." He shrugged. "Look, just sit back down and enjoy the music, k? Be cool, man! Be cool!"
Maul's eyes suddenly burned with ANGER and FURY, and he reached out and grabbed Dooku by the neck of his tanktop, pulling the count's face close to his.
"Look, you abominable excuse for a Sith Apprentice! I don't care about YOU or YOUR MUSIC or your RULES! I've SUFFERED through two hours of TORTURE and I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT! I've reached my LIMIT! So you better STOP that song from playing right this instant! Because I swear, Dooku…If I hear another word from THAT song, I'm going to PERSONALLY RIP each and EVERY appendage from your eighty three year-old human body, twist your head off from your neck, and SHOVE my LIGHTSABER UP YOUR SORRY ASS!"
Maul gritted his teeth and breathed heavily as he held onto the count's shirt. His searing red eyes never left the old former-Jedi's face.
Palpatine's eyes widened at what Maul had just said. He gasped in horror and covered his gaping mouth with his hand. He couldn't believe how un-nice Maul was.
Dooku froze on his seat. The color drained from his face and terror filled the space it vacated as he stared back at Maul's burning and enraged visage. He could practically feel the Zabrak's hot breath against his pale skin as Maul's red eyes burned an invisible hole in his skull. Dooku's breathing seemed to have stopped too. He felt as if he was staring death right in the face…And what an ugly face it was.
The old count swallowed and took a deep breath. "Okay." He whimpered. His voice sounded like a fearful child-like whisper.
While still being held by Maul, he slowly pointed a shaking finger at the CD player, and it stopped. Finally, after two hours of Dooku's favorite song, the inside of the Dook Mobile was filled with silence.
Maul smiled a Cheshire Cat smile that spread across his tattooed face. "Good." He said, letting the words slide across his tongue and through his jagged teeth. He absolutely LOVED how he just showed Dooku who the REAL Sith Apprentice was. To quote the count, it seemed as if he had just 'WHOOPED' his 'ASS'. He finally released the count from his death grip and dusted off his hands.
As soon as Maul's hold on him was gone, Dooku immediately sat back on his seat, his eyes still wide with shock. Sweat trickled down from his forehead and his chest rose and fell as he tried to recover from his recent encounter with Maul's 'dark side'. He wiped the sweat with his forearm and straightened the cap on his head.
The smile on the Zabrak's face lingered as he stepped back to his seat. "Ah. Finally, a little piece and quiet around here." He said with his chin up. "Now if you two will excuse me, I will be here on my seat, reading my books and drinking my tea."
Dooku rolled his eyes and imitated Maul by making his hand talk. He couldn't believe that Maul just got the best of him IN his own ride. This was unbelievable!
Maul daintily sat down on his seat and snapped his seatbelt back into place. He took his monocle from his black tunic's breast pocket and moistened it with his breath. Then he gently wiped it against his tunic and placed it over his right eye.
A happy sigh escaped from his lips and he picked up one of the books from the floor. "Let's see…" He said, looking at the cover of the book. "What do we have here?" His eyes lit up. "Ah, one of my favorites! It's not of Shakespeare, but I like it nonetheless. Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie. A classic, if I say so myself…and one of the books that have been turned into a number of plays." Maul opened the book and turned to the first page. "It's about a boy who refuses to grow up, you know. Such a delightful read!"
"Hey! Then it looks like you and Peter Pansy have something in common." Shouted Dooku. "Because YOU'RE the immature twit who refuses to SHUT UP!"
Maul growled and kicked the back of Dooku's seat --- HARD.
"AH!" Dooku yelped as he felt the backrest of his seat slam against his back. Good thing he had his seatbealt on, or he might really have slammed face first against the steering wheel. Whoever thought that pansy Zabrak was a real kicker?
"Cut it!" He shouted, elbowing the backrest of his chair.
"Cut what?" Maul asked sarcastically. A huge smile spread across his face and he kicked the back of the count's seat again, HARDER this time.
"AERGH!" Snapped Dooku as he practically felt his lungs slam against his rib cage. The first kick was bad…the second, worse, and he definitely wasn't going to give Maul the opportunity to give him a third one. After all, this ride was his castle, and he was the KING. Why the heck would he let THAT joker make a fool out of him?
"Okay! THAT'S IT!" He shouted, unlatching his seatbelt. "YOU GOIN' DOWN, FOO! I'm gonna go back there and personally WHOOP YO' ASS!"
"Bring it on, you invertebrate!" Shouted Maul. He closed his book and placed it on the floor. "It's about time we settled this, mano-a-mano!"
"You two! Sit down! SIT DOWN THIS INSTANT!" Palpatine's voice filled the air. He spread his arms towards them and force pushed them down on their seats. Once again, he felt like the father of two bratty kids who wouldn't get along.
"But…" Said Dooku, pointing a finger at Maul.
"No buts!" Shouted Palpatine, pointing a finger at Dooku.
Maul hmphed and crossed his arms over his chest. He tilted his chin up and sneered at Dooku from the corner of his eye. "Thank you for interfering, master. That 'DOGG' of yours was about to get out of control again. You better paper train him before he becomes --- a hopeless case." A sly smile spread thinly across his lips and he picked up his book from the floor.
He placed it on his lap and opened it to the last page that he was reading. "…And we all know what becomes to hopeless cases…" He said as he flipped through the book. "…they are PUT to SLEEP." He looked at Dooku and smiled at him --- an eerie and eeevil smile that would make anyone pee in their pants, except for Dooku of course, because he's cool and above that 'peeing in the pants' shit.
Dooku immediately leaned towards Palpatine. "Dude, I dunno where you got 'im, man…" He whispered. "…but that Maul guy's insane! He's whacko! He just threatened to kill me again, bro, and that's sooo NOT cool to me!"
Palpatine leaned towards Dooku too. "Well…You threatened to kill him too, you know…numerous times, actually…" He whispered back.
"Well duh, but I was just kiddin', man! You know me! I'm a talker, not a fighter! But that Maul guy, your former apprentice, I really think he means it, dude. Heck, just a while ago, he was threatenin' to decapitate me and rip my dick off or sumthin. I'm tellin' you, Palpy! That kid's a psycho! Just look at him!"
Dooku and Palpatine turned their heads towards Maul.
When Maul felt them staring at him, he slowly put the book down on his lap, and held up an unpeeled banana. Then he glared at Dooku and viciously ripped the banana into two pieces and crushed it using his merciless gloved hands.
Dooku and Palpatine's eyes widened and Dooku gulped in fear.
Maul smiled a ruthless, evil smile as if saying 'You don't want THAT to happen to you, don't you?' as he continued to stare at Dooku. Then he took a nicely folded handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his banana-covered gloves on it. He then suddenly tore the handkerchief in half, rather viciously, and threw the torn pieces at the back.
Dooku's eyes widened even more and he gulped again, harder this time.
Seeing the fear in the count's face, Maul's smile softened and he brought the book up to his face again and continued to read it in peace.
The count suddenly grabbed Palpatine by the neck of his robe and pulled his face closer to his. "Oh my god, did you just see what he did! I told he's crazy, man! Nuts! Psycho! He's probably a long lost relative of Norman Bates or something. I swear, Palpy, I really think he wants to kill me! Like, really kill me!" He quickly looked over his shoulder at Maul who was reading his book quietly. He couldn't see the Zabrak's face for the book was hiding it from his view.
"Just look at him…sitting there…plotting my death…" Whispered the count to his master. He sounded panicky. "He's probably thinking of getting me in my sleep…you know, like, he'll sneak up on me while I'm snoozin' and gut my innards out with that fucking two-headed lightsaber of his!" His grip on the Chancellor's black robe tightened.
"Then he'll send parts of my bodies to the Confederacy of Independent Systems with the note 'DOOKU IS A LOSER' attached to each of my body parts. Man, that would SO SUCK! Not only will I die a painful and gruesome death, but I'd die with everyone thinking I'm a LOSER too! I wouldn't be able to live with that, man! I sooo wouldn't be able to live thinking that my alien homies out there think I'm a big loooser."
"Of course you wouldn't…" Shrugged Palpatine. "…Coz you'd be dead!"
"AAAAAHHH!" Dooku screamed. His scream echoed within the pimped up walls of the Dook Mobile.
On the other hand, the sound of Dooku's almost girly scream, made Maul smile.
Palpatine chuckled. "Oh come on now…I was just kidding." He said, patting the heaving count on the shoulder.
Dooku placed his hand on his chest and felt his heart palpitating against his rib cage. His shoulders heaved up and down as he breathed and exhaled deeply. "Dude, do me a favor and ever EVER kid like that again! Shit! I almost had a fucking heart attack! What are you trying to do? Make HIS job easier by KILLING ME IN ADVANCE?"
"Dooku Dooku Dooku…" Said Palpatine softly, in an effort to calm the count down. He gently patted him on the chest. "Look at you. You're acting all paranoid and scared. Don't let him get to you. And after all, Maul would never do the things you said he would do." Palpatine glanced at Maul and saw him still busy reading his book.
"Well, okay…" He continued. "So Maul had a crappy childhood and he sure was a pain in the butt and he definitely impaled and brutally murdered a number of Jedis back in the day, but he's not all THAT bad."
"Uh…you're not helping, Palpster." Dooku groaned.
"Just give him some time. He's probably still recovering from that TRAUMATIC experience of being sliced in half and falling down that shaft and then having to duct tape himself to put his top and his bottom back together. Get to know him better once we reach Coruscant and you'll see what I mean when I say he's a good boy."
"IF I live long enough to see him as this 'good boy'." Then Dooku sighed. "But yeah, you're right. That dude's definitely been through the most crappiest shit I've ever heard. And that duct tape thing, man, that's gotta be gruesome."
Palpatine smiled and happily clasped his hands together. "Well, now that I've finally calmed things down like a real NICE GUY, I'm just going sit back and enjoy the rest of the trip…" He settled himself down on his seat and once again took out Mothma's picture from his breast pocket.
"Oh, my sweet…we are finally together again…like we should have been right from the moment I laid eyes on you in the Senate." He murmured to it. He cuddled it closed to him, and huddled in his chair, perching his feet on the seat and hugging his knees close to his chest. He had a huge smile on his face as he to continued to stare at the picture.
Dooku looked at Palpatine's sappy display, then he arched an eyebrow and winced. What the fuck was happening to the galaxy? Maul has turned into the biggest pussy he's ever known, and the supposedly EEEEVIL Dark Lord of the EEEVIL Sith has turned into Mr. Nice Guy Romeo Kissy-Kissy. Heck, he, the still so awesome and kewlness Count Dooku, was probably the only SANE Sith Left.
He grunted, rolled his eyes, and slumped himself against the steering wheel. Then he noticed Popo on the floor, looking up at him, panting. "Youz and I are probably the REAL dudes left on this ship, man." He sighed as he looked at the dog.
Palpatine looked at Dooku and he smiled. "Oh, Dooku…All these years of taking care of Popo and you haven't you noticed? Popo's a girl! Always has been!" The Chancellor said lightly. Then he immediately went back into his Mon Mothmic trance.
Dooku stared at Popo with wide eyes.
"Aww Shit!" He exclaimed. He banged his forehead against the steering wheel and ground it against the pleather coating. "Oh GOD! I KNEW I should have taken grievous on this road trip instead. Shit! I know he coughs more than he talks, but damn, better then being stuck with these whacked out mofos!"
For Dooku, the road trip was turning out to be a nightmare…and a boring one at that.
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