Chapter 45

Previously on "A Star Wars Sitcom"!

Obi Wan flexed and attempted to suck in his gut, "I am living, walking SEX!"


Obi Wan was still on the floor in a considerable amount of pain. Luckily, Leia's violent behavior was put to an end when Padme arrived home.

"Leia, put these groceries away. We're going to eat in the banquet hall in the Temple tonight, so I need everyone to shower and... wow, why do I have to remind you all of that?" asked Padme, taking off her sunglasses.

"Don't look at me. I have a hygiene system. Head on Monday, torso on Wednesday, lowers on Friday," said Yoda, cleaning the shake off his face.

"Never. Talk to me. Again," Padme coldly stated.

"You got it padre," Yoda replied, "That was the last time... Well, that was... okay, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the wall. I'm saying this to the wall. See? The words that are coming out of my mouth are being directed at the wall," Yoda was now, indeed, talking to the wall.

"Okay, I'm going to get ready for dinner. All of you do the same," Padme headed for her bedroom, stepping over Obi Wan on her way.

"I'm fine. Thank you," said Obi Wan, holding his gut.

"No, you smell like swamp gas," said Leia, stocking the refrigerator and slapping Kellen's hand every time he went for the food.

The house became further packed when Luke and Han entered. Luke immediately went to Obi Wan's aid, helping him off the ground. Han did something much more enjoyable than lifting an old, shirtless man off the ground.

"Hey baby!" Leia exclaimed, grabbing Han and sharing a kiss with him.

Kellen now helped himself to the food his sister was stocking as Han winked at him.

"What's the plan tonight?" Han asked Leia, still hugging her.

"Well, we've got dinner at the Temple tonight, so no movie. We'll do that tomorrow night," explained Leia.

"Nah, I'll just go with you to dinner."

"Han, you hate fancy dinners. Order a pizza and I'll meet up with you afterwards," Leia suggested.

"No, no. I don't go to enough of these events with your family. Besides, Mara's going with Luke, so I don't want you going stag," said Han.

"So, you don't want someone else hitting on me at dinner?"

"Right. Kellen, toss me a banana, buddy!" said Han, holding out is hand.

"Alright!" Kellen exclaimed, but hesitated for a moment, "Which ones are the bananas? The yellow ones, or the REALLY yellow ones?"

"Um... right there, kiddo. Long and yellow, with the peels," Han explained, a quizzical look on his face.

"Whoop!" Kellen threw the entire bushel at Han.

"Yaah! Kiddo, watch it. I only needed one," said Han, who had now looked up to see Kellen had already fled the room, "Weird kid."

Obi Wan was now on his feet and apparently excited.

"Right then! Time to get sexy! I've got a new suit that puts the 'sex' in 'sextacular'. I'm off!" yelled Obi Wan, dashing off to his room, very sexcited (I'm the writer, I'll make up words if I damn well please. Besides, now we have a decent synonym for 'horny').

"Gross," said Luke.


Anakin had enough of the council, which turned out to be nothing more than a very unruly school board. Mace approached him to talk about the madness.

"Anakin. How's it going friend?" asked Mace, patting Anakin on the shoulder.

"What are you doing out here? Did you need a break too?" Anakin questioned.

"No. I got suspended. The sexual harassment suit is pending, no biggie."

"Sexual harassment?" Anakin raised an eyebrow at his colleague.

"Pending. It ain't no thang," Mace explained.

"What? Nevermind. I don't know how you guys get anything done in there. Nobody listens. Or cares," Anakin said grimly, staring at the ground.

"Come on. We get things done, and the arguments are very constructive," said Mace, just before a loud voice from the council could be heard among the two.

"Your wife came on to ME! Maybe if you weren't too busy banging pod-racer groupies on Tattooine you'd have a LEGITIMATE son! And daughter!"

Anakin now felt something had to be done. "Mace, you and I need to change things here. Starting tomorrow... or after your lawsuit," he said.

"Pending, dog. Pending," Mace replied.

"Stop talking like that."

"Yes sir."


Later that evening, the annual Qui-Gon Jinn Memorial Banquet Dinner and Golf Tournament was underway. The Skywalker table had gone a full four minutes without incident.

"Case in point, children, I kicked some serious ass back in the day. When your dad wasn't slowing me down, I was invincible," Obi Wan explained, wrapping up a story.

"Now explain why other Jedi your age are still nearly unstoppable," said Anakin, taking a drink of wine.

"Steroids," Obi Wan quickly replied.

"Obi Wan!" Padme exclaimed, attempting to silence him before he went too far.

"Sorry, sorry. Performance enhancers. And don't interrupt me, woman," Obi Wan answered, now going a bit too far.

"Mom! Try this bread, you'll love it," Luke suggested, trying to end the feud.

"Don't push it, old man," Padme warned, still talking to Obi Wan.

"I will END you!" threatened Obi Wan, beginning to rise out of his chair.

"Sit down! Nobody's ending anybody. Cool down, please. Now, Han, how's the mechanic business, lately?" asked Anakin.

"Incredible! I get a few jobs a day, then I free up a few hours for side projects," Han replied, appearing very excited.

"Side projects?" Anakin was a bit frightened thinking about what that meant considering who he was talking to.

"The Falcon!" Leia said sarcastically. Han gave her a quick look, then continued.

"We're talking pure speed, Mr. Skywalker. Pure speed, but raw power. Enough room to ship materials, but hold the same light speed as a standard starfighter," explained Han.

"You need to show me sometime," said Anakin, a smile on his face.

Unfortunately, the table was now quiet. For about 30 seconds, nothing was said. This was disturbing, and became no less disturbing when Obi Wan broke the silence.

"Neh!" Obi Wan threw a roll at Padme, causing her to nearly lose it.

"Oh. My. God! What is wrong with you!" Padme yelled, turning some heads in the banquet hall.

"Obi Wan! Come on man! Go the restroom and cool off, please!" Luke pleaded.

"Fine! I have to TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS IN THERE ANYWAY!" Obi Wan said, raising his voice mid-sentence, looking right at Padme.

"EW!" yelled Padme, her mouth open in disgust and shock.

"Can everyone just sit here and enjoy the dinner? We're making a scene," said Anakin.

"I'm enjoying it very much, Mr. Skywalker," said Mara Jade, who had broken her stunned silence. For a minute, everyone began eating again.

"This steak tastes like farts," Yoda blurted out suddenly. Everyone stared, dumbfounded by the little green man's unnecessary comment.

"I didn't fart on it," Kellen said in an unusually casual manner.

"Goodbye!" yelled Padme, getting out of her chair and storming out of the banquet hall.

"Mom! I'm coming too! I don't want to eat farts!" yelled Kellen, now turning every head in the hall.

"I too am finished eating farts," Yoda said in a raised voice, also leaving the table after pocketing three rolls and some mashed potatoes.

"Everyone! Stop! I'd like to make a toast," said Anakin, rising out of his chair. Padme and Yoda both turned around. Padme stopped Kellen and turned him around as well. The hall was silent.


My steak really did taste like farts last night. Fine dining is nothing but a marketing ploy anymore. Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Drop a review like always.