Disclaimer: NGE is an Angel killing reality tv animation series and shouldn't be watched by vegetarians, dog lovers, PETA members and people who hates mega corporations. The same apply to this fanfic.
Two burly men in black stepped aside to let the depressed Shinji Ikari back into his apartment. Instead of being greeted by warm welcomes from lovely females living with him, only the sound from the brain killing box acknowledged his presence. The boy had a hell of a day at school and he was too worn out to deal with any other shit his fiery roommate may throw at him.
As the door to Shinji's lovely suite creaked open, Asuka turned around from the couch and stopped him.
"Hey, you look like you can use an icepack yourself," Asuka said with a mild sarcastic tone as she dabbed her left eye with a cold towel.
The only male in the house wanted to be surprised or at least act miserable. Asuka's injury was caused by him but he had gone through a day with explosions, terrorist attacks, interrogation, torture and general violence. A half hearted apology came out from his broken lips.
Asuka went back to her anime and hid a weak smile.
"Forget it. You were just lucky. Why don't you come over here and tell me what happened at the school?
"Misato was all panicking and shitting her skirt when she called me," Asuka said.
Shinji moved next to Asuka and sat down. The German girl could feel the room got colder with the presence of the gloomy boy.
"There was a… terrorist attack at the school," Shinji hesitated at the use of the word terrorist as he remembered the sagely advise of Agent Mclane.
However, he believed Asuka wouldn't be bothered with being political correct. She would call a pedophile a pedophile and not some dude that is 'outside the border of socially accepted behavior with an interest in young children that might range from mild to medically severe.' Asuka was the type of person that gets things done. She wouldn't restrict herself with retarded red tapes and policies.
"Damn, should have stayed around then. I could use some serious death and destruction. Things are really getting dull around here with the Angels taking a long, extended vacation to god knows where. Go straight to the exciting part, Shinji," Asuka beckoned.
Shinji brought his knees up and wrapped his hands around his legs. Asuka was someone he knew not to bother with pathetic details but he desperate needed to share his tales with someone; a fellow warrior who lived in between life and death.
Suppressing the urge to cry, Shinji condemned himself, "I nearly killed a man today."
Asuka shoved her hand into a bag of chips and grabbed a handful of salty snacks. People getting near death experience was hardly news these days.
"I hurt someone. Badly."
The pilot of Eva-02 swallowed the junk food and leaned back on the couch into a more relaxed position.
Shinji was still sitting rigid next to her.
"Is that supposed to be a bad thing?"
The male mecha pilot stared with disbelief at his fellow roommate and warrior. While Asuka was often violent, he sincerely believed that Asuka was someone who would protect the weak and fight for justice, despite what her mouth might say.
"I didn't wish it that way. It all happened so fast. Anger just took over and all I could see was the imminent destruction of Kutaragi. Asuka, I was beating up a defenseless old man. I even participated in the intense interrogation that followed. I did all these horrible acts because I want to. It was wrong."
A wicked smile appeared on Asuka as she finished the can of Coke.
"I always knew you are the type to beat up some pathetic invalids, Shinji. So what's wrong with the picture here?"
Shinji got a little angered at the lack of sympathy for fellow human beings, even if Kutaragi was a terrorist.
"It was wrong, Asuka, don't you get it? I went against the system. It was so horrible… I just went nuts and took action into my own hands. I became some sort of psycho vigilante with capes and all, running around correcting things that I see wrong. Normal people don't do that. They go and make police report like everyone else and maybe get some psychiatric counseling while waiting for the outcome."
Though Asuka maintained an indifferent look, she knew Shinji was slowly adopting the mentality of a liberal dickweed. Asuka always thought that his lack of confidence was due to non existence success in academic and sports or not being popular at school.
Now she knew that Shinji's pathetic-ness was mostly contributed by cowardly society's pressure and terrorist supporting liberal media, she had a plan to bring Shinji out of his personal quagmire of lameness.
"Right, you went
against the system. Did the law do anything when we go outside there
and annihilate an Angel with full prejudice? Does the UN – for all
its utopian fantasy – ask
us to deliver an Angel to the International Court in Hague for the
full run of justice? For all we know, when Nerv get disbanded, we are
all going to be charged for crimes against humanity. Angels are
humans too, by your definition, and we
killed them all like unborn childs laden with AIDS, " said Asuka with bitter sarcasm.
Shinji shook his head in denial and rambled on.
"But Angels are different. They are trying to kill us all. Their actions are headed toward the extinction of mankind. They are…. bad."
Asuka rubbed her head and sighed. She was going to convince Shinji that his relative reasoning sucks no matter how.
"Yeah, the Angels sure are different. Have you ever thought that – when an Angel steps on humans, it could be their way to say hello back on the planet they came from? What evidence do you have to prove that Angels are here to commit planet wide genocide? Humans killed more humans in a any single day than all the Angels attack combined."
"If you want to go even further; Angels could possibly be crazy aliens. What do you do with mentally sick criminals here, Shinji? We send them to the asylum. So what do you recommend for a mentally incapable giant alien, Dr Ikari? A progressive knife between the eyes, 3 times a day?"
The stern but soothing voice of Asuka Sohryu was a new experience to Shinji. All the time he lived with the temperamental redhead, he had only seen the generally unreasonable side of her. The one where she was always demanding for things because she claimed to be a superior being and therefore deserved to be serviced by a slave like him. Seeing the other side of Asuka which does not involve throwing out the tv set in a fit of rage pushed her ratings a bit closer to the unchallenged blue haired goddess.
"I don't know anymore, Asuka."
A smooth skinned hand with slender fingers caught Shinji's forearm which was resting on the couch. As Asuka leaned closer, the sexual tension multiplied, generating enough electricity to power fifty big screen TVs showing high definition pornography for the whole day. Powerful blue orbs stared down Shinji with the same intensity of a non homophobic starring competition between two muscle bound wrestlers. Shinji felt like shying away from the crazy beautiful girl, who was more crazy than beautiful at the moment. But instinct told him he would not go anywhere without leaving his arm on the couch as deposit.
"There shall be no more doubts, Shinji."
Shinji was afraid to ask her what she meant by that, so he only nodded. Well manicured fingernails dug into Shinji's forearm to emphasis upcoming rhetoric by the German girl. The television screamed for attention, but ignored by the teens.
"In this Global War on Angel, there can be no doubts, no hesitation. Only the two of us stands between the Angel and freedom for all mankind. Sacrifices will be made, Shinji. There is no such thing as a war without casualties. There are enemies in human skins fighting hidden wars against us. They side with their vicious, cold blooded, reptilian masters to overthrow the good guys - us. These people are everywhere. It can be Bob the hotdog stand's guy, Takeshi the ramen stall owner, or it can be Mr. Lee, the communist scum living across the street, molesting our women like the evil foreigner he is."
The dark patches of cancerous thoughts in Shinji's head festered as Asuka fed him with logical paranoia, answers to his questions which he was always afraid to ask in this political sensitive time. The once innocent boy always wondered why the anti war protestors acted the way they did. Those street protests haunted him like a hardcore pedophile in a clownsuit as he watched live news featuring hippies carrying placard which accused him of killing babies and raping women. But first, there were questions
Shinji needed to clear up before Asuka could convince him to join her crusade.
"Question: When did we start calling this angel exterminating business as the Global War on Angel?"
Asuka frowned a little at the lack of trust Shinji was showing. That boy should be in the 'Anger' stage right now and not questioning the details. Nevertheless, the Aryan princess would eventually get her man. Right now, she needed to concentrate weeding out the unnecessary conceptions Shinji thought was the norm.
"Watch Fox News sometime, you ignorant fool. They started calling it the Global War on Angel a year ago even though the fighting was primarily done in Japan. Angel attacks have not occurred in any other country, but what is stopping them from doing so? The world needs to be prepared for it. Anyone that thinks they are excluded from this war for political or ideological reason is a traitor to mankind. The Angel will come for you, whether you're Muslim or Christian, capitalist or evil communist. The Angel does not care whether you use gas saving hybrid car or pray to the same darkgods that the Angel served."
Shinji gaped his mouth at the vigorous speech given by the fiery redhead. All his time at Nerv, no one had spoken to him about the importance of his battle with Angels. Shinji knew that some serious shit would happen if the Eva's are defeated but no one had walked up to him to shake his hand and thank him for allowing that person for living another day. On the other hand, there were countless other psychos who wanted to kill him for destroying their chance to return to their alien birthplace and sort.
Shinji wanted to just jump into the religion Asuka was selling but there was another issue that irked him.
"What about Rei? She is in this Global War on Angel as much as any of us. In fact, she was the first."
Though Shinji didn't realize, it was the first time he mentioned Rei in a positive light in Asuka's presence.
Upon hearing the cursed word, Asuka showed her pretty sets of mandible, which might feel good, if applied lightly on a penis. Shinji cringed in pain as nails dug deeper into his forearm.
"What does Rei got to do with this conversation?"
Shinji fought back the pain and voiced his thought again.
"You always leave out Rei as if she is...part of something else. I mean, we should be together if the situation is as dire as you said. If the world is against us, then we need her strength in this war," Shinji spoke up, a rare thing, indeed.
Asuka calculated her options. A childish provocation such as "You like Rei, don't you?" might push Shinji to the darkside. With the sudden burst of confidence with things related to Rei, she didn't want to mudsling the bluehaired bimbo so early in this game of manipulation. Asuka wouldn't consider the albino slut to be her rival yet, but Rei was obviously an irritant needed to be dislodged from Shinji's stubborn head.
"Shinji, I understand how you feel - that we need all the help we can get, especially from a person that is fighting beside us. But Rei is different," Asuka lied with ease.
All she wanted to do at the moment was slap Shinji around and tell him not to ever look at the blue haired succubus again. Asuka faked a cough and continued.
"Ayanami, she is fighting for a goal different from us. She is not fighting for freedom and justice, I can assure you. She is definitely a megalomaniac. Do you realize that she never talks when she is in the Eva? She loves the power given by the war machine. It surrounds her with an aura of invincibility. This kind of self centered thinking cuts her off from us, which is why she never talks. She only cared to abuse the authority given to her, the opportunity to control an Evangelion. She wanted only to prove her strength by piloting," Asuka slandered, unaware of the hypocrisy bleeding from her mouth.
Asuka's wildly off-course statement hurt Shinji, as the image of the pure and innocent Rei Ayanami was tarnished in his mind. While the young boy could never claimed to understand the mysterious girl, he never imagined that Ayanami was the type to rip off his heart and laugh at his idiocy like those slutty and popular girls at school.
"No, that is not true. Ayanami protected me when we fought with the diamond shaped Angel thing that shoots lava. She stood in front of me and took a shot in the face. There is no way she can be a bad guy. She even smiled at me when I rescued her from the penis shaped pressure cooker. You got to be there to believe it, but Ayanami looked awesome even if she was being boiled alive. I don't know what's her secret to looking fresh 24/7 but maybe you can ask her the brand of pads she use," Shinji beamed ignorantly as he recalled the nice memories with Rei.
Potent anger stirred within Asuka as she unwittingly blown opens a pressure valve of Rei goodliness from Shinji Ikari. Unwanted details streamed from the mouth of a fanatic as Shinji spoke volumes on the miracles carried out by the blue haired whore. Violence thoughts against the ignorant boy were starting to look feasible.
Holding back an angry growl, Asuka held Shinji's shoulder tightly and looked at him right in the eye. She must stop this nonsense now before her fist of rage cut loose and opened a can of whoopass on the Ikari boy.
"Rei must not be fully trusted. You must be careful with her. Now go get me a can of Coke."
Shinji wanted to tell Asuka to be friends with Rei, however the evil glare in her eyes was projecting vision of death and destruction if he continued on his path. To continue living, he decided to go to the fridge and get her carbonated drinks.
As the whipped mecha pilot hero left for the kitchen, Asuka smiled to herself.
"One step closer."
Meanwhile, in the massive subterranean fortress Geofront, Gendo was slicing and dicing rhythms like a mad ninja of turntable. The specially furnished R&R room was a huge studio packed with military grade audio equipment and had one of the most well stocked bar in a corner.
"Yooo, Gendo-mannn is in da house!"
The gloved one moved his hand like Michael Jackson on a paedophile Olympics, spinning half dozen of tables and flipping random switches. A couple of very hot looking Rei clones danced in the center, all decked out in clubbing dresses. This was the only way for Gendo to party.
Light flooded in through a double door and the vice commander of Nerv stepped in. Fuyutsuki creased his brow as he observed the man on the stage, looking ridiculous in hip hop gears that were way beyond his age. Normally, Fuyutsuki wouldn't have bothered commenting on Gendo's other debauched hobbies, but this was retarded. Someone should get rap music outlawed the vice commander of Nerv figured.
A Rei with pink dyed hair looked quizzically as the old man made his way to the stage. She had seen the old man on a few occasions with Gendo, discussing issues that sounded important but irrelevant to her. While the old man did not touch her or anything, he was still a creepy guy on his own rights.
"Kay to the Oh to the Zee to the Oh, my man Kozo, whatup?" the speakers boomed.
Kozo pushed a stoned Rei out of his path. He had a mess to deal with and had no time for Gendo and his deprived childhood activities. Kozo stepped up and yanked the headphones from Gendo.
"What, you don't like my rhymes or something?" Gendo complained. He shoved two fingers forward, threatening to stick it into the old man's nose.
Fuyutsuki stared at his student. "This is no time for your shit, Gendo. We got work to do."
Gendo raised both his hands up and put on his hood. Then he took a couple of steps back and turned around. The group of Rei's stopped whatever they were doing and looked at the commotion.
"I know what this is about. You hate me because I'm black!"
Kozo stood stunned like a yak in between two 18-wheelers. His job as the vice commander of Nerv was more a political position rather than a manager and he had seen his share of racial political blunders. There was once where he was invited to give a speech in a university and no one told him beforehand that it was an ultra liberal academy. Shit happens when you tell people that the poor deserves to die because they are dumb and lazy.
Loud murmurs came from all the Rei's below. Kozo didn't have to look at the crowd to know his approval rating was at all time low. Gendo pressed on his assault.
"You white guys and your mega corporations, always putting down the black man. You don't care about us!"
Gendo crossed his arm. "You like slavery, don't you? You want to see dem colored skins working in sugarcane plantations, so you can smoke your goddamn Cuban cigars, right?"
Kozo pissed shit and held up his hands in denial as chants to cap his ass rolled around him. The thirst for blood grew louder.
Faster than an eighteen year old virgin dropping his pants for his first shot at a pussy, Gendo whipped out a nine and stuck it in Kozo's face. A split second later, he twisted the gun aside, holding it ghetto style like a real gangsta.
The twisted smile from Gendo's mug reminded Kozo of the time when he was young and reckless, doing stupid shit all the time.
"Any last word, old man?" Gendo asked as he waved the gun slightly.
A moment of eternity passed between the two men. It was just like that time when Kozo was in the men's and the janitor forgot to replace the paper roll. It was a terrible thing to be trapped in a small cubicle with your pants down with only a handphone to call for help while your decision making ability just went down the shithole.
In between the time it takes for a universe to be created and die, Gendo put his gun away.
"Just fucking with ya, old man."
Kozo blinked hard before regaining composure. Fuck Gendo and his goddamn childish games. It is always the asshole who gets position of power. It's the same everywhere, whether it's the government or corporate.
Gendo waved his posse away. It was a talk between men and biatches have no place here with them. Kozo wiped sweats from his brow. Time to get to the matter in hand.
"So what's causing you to shit blood, Kozo?"
Gendo pulled a pack of cigarette and lighted for the both of them.
The tip of the cancer stick lit brightly as Kozo inhaled. "Shinji just happened to be the star of our own Abu Ghraib."
Gendo creased his eyebrow. "What Abu Grape?"
Kozo groaned at his so-called commander's dismal level of knowledge which was inversely proportionate with his assholism. Somehow, God prefers these types of people to be leaders. Just look at Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong and Kim Jong Il. All the over achievers in Genocide 101, and god love em' all the same.
Fuyutsuki coughed a little. He wondered how he should break this to Gendo. "To summarize things, Shinji was caught on video, involved in improper conduct with a terrorist in his school."
"They have terrorist teaching in class now? What do they do, teach the kids how to make suicide pancakes?"
"No, I mean yes. The terrorist used to be a teacher there but that was not the point. There is a video clip of Shinji practicing unusual method of interrogation, circulating on the Internet at the moment."
Gendo rubbed his stubby chin for a moment before figuring it all out in a way only he could.
"So the kid was getting freaky with a teacher; roleplaying terrorist and cop and all those kinky shit. And they were filming the whole thing on a webcam and somehow it ended up on the Net."
Kozo's shoulder slumped in respect of Gendo's idiocy.
"I wish that was the case, Sherlock. What we have here is an international debacle featuring pilot Ikari. Tomorrow, the liberal news, PETA, Greenpeace, UN, PTA and every pony and dog show will be creeping up our collective asses like a shit demon on crack."
A/N: Puppyslayer is back with more awesome stir-fried barbecue double boiled puppy dishes with cheese, ginseng and anchovies. When I'm writing the scene where Asuka talks some well needed political correctness into Shinji, I wondered – what inspires everyone to write Asuka like a murderous psychobitch? I agree that she is a violent person, but no more abusive than, say -- Naru to Keitaro (Love Hina) -- when it comes to dealing with Shinji. It's like, no one is giving crap about writing shitfics with even an ounce of effort nowdays.
Props to Houoza, Adam Kadmon, Rusty Knights, SephirothXYZ, and you guys who left reviews in the past and in the coming future.
Next chapter: Shinji found out that his life just became some sort of reality-tv show, only that people does not plot diabolical plans to rule the world beside a campfire with great camera angles. With all the problems in hand, will Gendo wage legally questionable war on some shitty third world that does not even has electricity in order to divert attention?