"Who… What… You…" stammered Zelda, recoiling in fear. The creature frowned at her terrified reaction. Bowser shook his head in disappointment. "B-Bowser… How did you keep such a thing concealed from Master Hand for so long?"
"He's not concealed!" cried Bowser indignantly. How many times do I have explain this to you? He pops in and out of existence due to his lack of popularity! But he's still technically a Smasher."
"Pleased to meet you," said Giga politely. "My name is Giga Bowser, and I have an alcohol prob-"
"Wrong meeting, Giggy." interrupted Bowser.
"Hey, wait, I remember you!" cried Roy suddenly. "You're the guy who kicked my butt all over Final Destination that one day! I had 3rd degree burns for weeks! Me!"
"Yes, well, that's hardly my fault." sniffed Giggy. "Blame your own lack of skill."
"I'd do that," admitted Roy, "except that I refuse to acknowledge any notion that suggests me as being anything less than perfection incarnate. Clearly the blame belongs to someone else, perhaps some kind of ultimate deity bent on my destruction."
----------------------------13th Circle Of Hell---------------------------
"Gaaaaaaah!" screamed the Roy on the screen as his body was flung into the outer reaches of space, courtesy of a down-B attack from the ruler of Final Destination. Blazing Fool threw down the controller in fury. "Cheating game of cheating that cheats me in a cheap of display of cheap!"
"The game is incapable of cheating." snorted Kojay, the infantile sun nodding in agreement. "It's a machine. Perhaps you should look to your own lack of skill."
"I'd do that," admitted Blazing Fool, "except that I refuse to accept any notion that suggests me as being anything less than perfection incarnate. Also, you're a sadistic imp of the devil, and you punt kittens."
"Slanderous lies." replied Kojay nervously, pushing the mewling felines deeper into his back pocket.
"So you say," sneered BF, his eyes narrowed. "But back to the topic at hand. Clearly the fault here belongs to someone –or something- else. I noticed that the screen had a slight grayish tinge- er, was incredibly fuzzy. Xiao, check the reception for me, will you?"
"My name is Final Authority now." growled Final Authority.
"Of course it is, Ms. Darkcloud."
"You just- all right, whatever makes you shut up and play." Final Authority trudged over to the television set and grabbed the necks of Tinky-Winky and Laa-Laa, whose odd (and probably containing secret sexual innuendo) head attachments apparently doubled as television antennae. "Here's your problem, BF. The little buggers are hugging again."
"What did I say about that?" cried BF angrily. "It screws up the signal if they do anything except sit there and wait to expire."
"What do you propose we do about it?" asked Young Roy.
"Clearly, they are defective. We'll have to dismantle them and fix the problem. Cutting implements at the ready!" roared BF.
But just as the banished group's weapons descended upon the neon-colored abominations of nature, their latent defense mechanism kicked in… and the baby sun abandoned the area in fear.
It was Blazing Fool (the meaning of whose name had never been more evident) who would suffer the worst fate, involving a needle, a joystick, and 45 gallons of melted plastic.
"Anybody get the feeling that we were just completely overshadowed?" asked Link.
"I'm used to it." sighed Giga.
"Link, you loser, when are you coming out of there? If Zelda was going to hurt you, she'd have done it by now." Roy sneered.
"Nuh-uh!" whined Link. "She's gonna hurt me! Keep her away!"
"Oh, gross, he's not gonna wet himself, is he?" complained Bowser. "The bathroom's on the left!"
"Link, come on." Zelda said in a soothing voice. "I may be mad at you, but I'd never hurt you. I love you."
Link sniffed. "R-really? You won't inflict the terrors of a thousand hells on me?"
"Well… okay then."
In a shocking and gruesomely explicit scene, Link emerged from Bowser's shell. I'd love to show you, but the goddamn site doesn't allow NC-17 stuff. Maaaan…
"What are you talking about?" asked Roy. "He climbed out the back! There was a hatch!"
Just then, Roy was utterly annihilated by a falling nuclear missile. Oddly enough, though it packed enough firepower to completely destroy a small nation, everyone and everything else in the area emerged completely unscathed.
A few miles away, a small jet landed and an angry author stormed away, ignoring the cries of help from Random Pedestrian #6935, tragically crushed underneath the jet's weight.
"So, did you really mean it when you said you loved me?" Link smiled at Zelda.
"And you won't inflict the terrors of a thousand and one hells on me?"
"Of course not."
And at that point, Zelda dragged Link away. Giga and Bowser could not see what was happening, but judging from the screams, it sounded as though someone was suffering one thousand and one terrors of hell.
Several heart-stopping minutes later, Zelda and Link returned, and the two dinosaur-monster-things' pulses returned to normal.
"Well, actually, we were kinda just toasting marshmallows."
What is it with you people and correcting me?
"So what just happened?" asked Roy. What the- Oh. He had a Maxim Tomato in his back pocket.
"We made up." was Zelda's answer.
"Soooo, on to more normal topics of conversation…" said Bowser through a mouthful of marshmallow. "What, exactly, were you two doing in the kitchen at night?"
"If they say 'each other', I'm going to gag." said Giga grumpily. "We get that answer enough out of Ganondorf and Falcon. Never eat food off the kitchen table without a tablecloth, guys, trust me."
The trio stared at Giga in horror for some time, then Roy plucked up the courage to answer. Good for him, the little death-cheating bas-
"You guys have heard about the stolen crap, right?" interrupted Roy.
"Well, Marth went completely insane when his tiara was stolen. We locked him in a closet."
"Doesn't he need food and water?"
"Only if he has to eat or drink." replied Roy matter-of-factly. "And he would, the loser. Anyway, we want him back to normal. He's supposed to be the smart one, and he's completely messing with our fan appeal."
Giga sniffed a little at the mention of "fan appeal", and Bowser clapped him on the back supportively. "Go on…"
"Well, I found the thief and fought him…" Link was cut off by a sharp tug on his newfound leash. Zelda glared at him.
"Nobody told you you can speak!"
"Yeah, so Link fought the guy, but he escaped or something. That's when you walked in, O Mighty Flame-Breather." finished Roy.
"You know," mused Giga. "I have a friend who might be able to help."
"Really?" cried Roy happily. "I knew you'd pull through for us, Bowser old pal!"
"But I…" stammered Giga. Bowser frowned.
"Just ignore it. Go on, Giga."
"Well, he's good at sneaking into places and finding peoples' identities. I'm sure he can help you guys out!"
"That would be great." smiled Zelda politely. "Thanks for your help, Giga."
"Yeah, what she said! Thanks, O Great Bowser!"
"I didn't do anything!" said Bowser angrily. "Give Giga some credit!"
Giga's image was beginning to fade. His body flickered in and out of existence like a dying light bulb. "Ack! I'm disappearing again. Hurry! Get some paper! I'll write down his address!"
"Not to worry!" said Zelda, rummaging in her inventory. "I've got some paper right here!" She brought out a stack of glorious, shining, lovely pieces of-
"Eh heh heh," chucked Roy nervously, "Sorry." He hid his lighter lest the filthy non-pyros try to steal it again. Curse them, the filthy hobbitses!
"I've got a pen." said Bowser. Zelda snatched it from him.
"Now we just need something to write- ah-ha!"
Link didn't like the way her eyes lit up when she looked at him.
Giga was waiting patiently while the others scrambled to find paper, and so he dozed off for a few seconds. It wasn't like he could disappear before giving them the address, as that would ruin the plot. He awoke suddenly to find Link's face directly in front of him.
"On his face? "
"Um… Okay…" Giga rapidly scribbled down a few lines on Link's face. Said elf began to scream.
"AAAAAAAAAH! INK BURNS!"
"Shut up!" Zelda whipped Link with her newly acquired bullwhip.
"There! It is done." Giga triumphantly capped the pen, ignoring Link, who was whisper-screaming some nonsense about ink dripping into his eyes. Silly boy. "Now I must go! Find the thief! Save your friend! Use the force! I am your father!"
"I told him not to watch so many sci-fi flicks…" grumbled Bowser.
"I'm not even sure how that would work." muttered Roy, referring to Giga's last statement. "I mean, my mom's technically a dragon, so I guess-"
Roy was thankfully cut off by Giga's sudden and dramatic vanishing, leaving only the faint scent of marshmallows and peach cobbler.
"Ah, poor Giga. We knew him well." sighed Zelda.
"What are you talking about?" demanded Bowser. "You met him for, like, two minutes! Roy still doesn't even acknowledge his existence!"
"Why do I smell peach cobbler?" asked Roy.
"And besides, he'll back in a week."
"Clearly Bowser is delirious with grief." announced Zelda. "We should leave him to his despair. Come on, Link! Let's go."
"I'm blind…" whimpered Link as Zelda dragged him off.
Only Roy and Bowser were left.
Roy picked up a log from the fire and threw it into the woods. A blaze began instantly, and Roy spared a few moments to cackled maniacally before running off with his companions.
The sad thing was, Bowser reflected, he was pretty much used to it.
"R-Roy?" stammered Ninian in shock. "You're the prosecuting attorney?"
"Indeed I am." sneered Roy. "And you fools don't stand a chance. We've got an expert case lined up."
"You're wearing a suit?" cried Ninian. "What… You… You're not Roy at all!"
"Why, mother, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about." Roy dusted some imaginary lint from his suit. "Don't you recognize your own child? For shame, dear woman, for shame."
"Who the heck are you?" asked Eliwood. "Wait, you look familiar… Pent?"
"How dare you!" screamed Roy, furious at the insult, then regained his composure. "Enough of this nonsense! I'm here to ensure that you two go to jail for a long, long time…" And with those ominous words, he walked over to the desk on the other side of the room, opening his briefcase and rummaging through it.
"I don't know who that is, honey," seethed Ninian, "but it's not our Roy."
Looking happy, Judge Wario put down his cell phone and looked down at the courtroom. "Well, it seems I've been put in the new Smash Brothers game. Who knew? Not those bags oozing with money that I gave Nintendo, that's for sure."
"Am I in?"
Wario danced for joy.
"A-Am I in?"
Pit wept happily.
"Am I in?"
"For the last time, no!"
"You guys can go to hell!" sobbed Sonic, and ran out of the room.
"It seems our operative has assumed the form of Roy." said a tall, muscular man in a large chair. The demonic poultry he was addressing said nothing, seeing as how he couldn't really talk with a beak anyway. If only Falco would share his secrets!
"This development is extremely beneficial to our overall plan. With Roy's parents set against him, he'll be incapacitated and unable to hinder our plan. As you know, we have nothing to fear from Zelda. That's two down."
The man looked the Cuccoo straight in the beady eyes. "However, there is a problem. Giga Bowser sent them to You-Know-Who. We'll need to step up security."
The Cuccoo slowly nodded.
"However, I don't want you to do it."
The Cuccoo looked slightly surprised.
"I know you may be slightly surprised, but I need you to keep an eye on our little friend Link. He was nothing before, but he faced our other operative, and she almost lost. And alongside Roy, they may be a problem."
The Cuccoo was getting bored.
"Am I boring you?" demanded the man. "Very well. Go. See to it that both our little friends and You-Know-Who meet an unpleasant end."
Bartholomew Cuccoo stood up on his bony legs, offered a feathery salute, and waddled out of the room.
The man sighed. Cuccoos. He never trusted them.
---------------------- Military Compound--------------------------
"So where is he?" demanded Roy, inspecting Link's face for directions. "We followed what Bowser-"
"Bowser wrote, and there's no houses here!" Roy gestured at the empty building, which seemed devoid of any signs of life. Except for the armed guards, that is, but they took no notice of our heroes.
"There's a box." pointed out Link, staring at an inconveniently placed cardboard box.
"Oh, yes! A box!" cried Roy in mock happiness. "Our good friend Box will solve the mystery for us! He's a natural detective! Our problems are over!"
"Roy, maybe you should open the box." said Zelda. "Maybe it's a clue."
"Yes, because every villain hides clues, maps, items, and treasure within easily obtainable boxes and treasure chests, right?" cried Roy angrily.
Link and Zelda exchanged glances.
"Well, ours do."
"Whatever." Roy glanced down at where the box was. Or had been, rather.
"Did this box just move?" he asked, looking at the box. It had moved several feet to their left.
"Oh, Roy, you idiot." chuckled Link. "Everyone knows boxes can't move!"
"Then why is it behind you now?" asked Zelda dryly.
"Behind me?" laughed Link. "There's no box behind me! There's only a grizzled soldier holding a knife to my throat!"
Zelda and Roy stared at Link silently.
…Wait for it…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THERE'S A GRIZZLED SOLDIER HOLDING A KNIFE TO MY THROAT!"
There it is!
"I don't know who you guys are or who you're working for," growled Snake. "But you make one wrong move, and your buddy's green tunic is about to get a whole lot redder."
Sorry about the long wait and poor quality of this chapter, but I pretty much had to type this whole thing in one day. I'm not supposed to be updating this, so it had to be done in secret. Sorry. I think SR might be going on a bit of a hiatus from here on out, though I'm not forgetting it completely.