Open: Red curtain hanging down. Stewie comes out wearing a black tuxedo and a red bow-tie. He also has a pink carnation pinned to his lapel. He walks slowly and stops right into the spotlight. He puts on a small set of bifocals and pulls out a small prepared statement.

Stewie: Ahem! Tonight's episode of Family Guy will be simulcast in Japanese, Spanish, Russian, French, Chinese, Hindu and lastly, Canadian. Please do not be discouraged if anything in tonight's' show offends you. We here at FOX, strive to offend everyone as much as possible and as quickly as we can and almost always with a smile on our faces. Except for the show, "Pauly", which we purposefully aired due to losing a bet with England's Prime Minister who happens to be the biggest Pauly Shore fan in the world. Thank you for watching and ON WITH THE MAYHEM! (Pulls out Ray Gun and shoots screen)

Opening Segment:

Announcer: It's the Family Guy Variety Show! Starring the Griffin Family, Cleveland and his wife Loretta, Quagmire, Joe and his wife Bonnie. Also starring the Family Guy Players. With special guests: William Shatner, The cast of Friends, Billy Dee Williams, Chewbacca, The Keebler Elves, Big Fat Pauly, and Super Dave Osborn. With a Special Appearance by Liza Minelli! Strap in for a night of Comedy, Songs, offensive behavior and rude vocabulary tonight on the Family Guy Variety Show!

Curtain Up: We see an orchestra in the pit playing catchy upbeat variety show music. We see the elaborate stage/opening segment set piece. It is the Griffin Family living room looking very posh. Much more posh then it normally is. Mainly because this is a variety show and as we all know in variety shows, they make things much more out there and more expensive than they really are. Running in from the right side we see Chris, Meg and Brian and from the left side, Peter, Lois and Brian. They stop right in the front and begin to dance and sing.

Peter: Welcome to the Family Guy Variety Show!

Lois: Welcome to the most entertaining hour of television!

It's the witching hour and your children should be in bed!

If not then they must watch with discretion

Peter: Cause I'm about to drop my pants!

Lois: PETER!

Peter: Heheheheheheheheheheheheheh! Just kidding! Or am I?

Chris: We plan to make you laugh.

We hope to make you cry

We don't want to get sued

When you see me shave a giraffe!

Peter: And once again I'll drop my pants!


Stewie: Maybe tonight will be the night

That this infernal broad will die

If you watch then you might see…

Lois's fate that comes to be

Peter: Oops this time I'll drop my….!

Brian: Don't even think about it! Griffin family roll call!

Peter: I'm Peter. The man with the plan and a dad who hates my wife!

Lois: I'm Lois. Peter's wife and loving mother with the musical touch!

Meg: I'm Meg. The daughter and the….

Chris: I'm Chris!

Meg: Hey! Mom Chris just interrupted my roll call!

Chris: Don't blame this on me maggot breath!

Stewie: QUIET! I'm Stewie. The world will be mine and you will all die a very slow and painful death when I…

Brian: I'm Brian the family dog

Don't be scared because I talk

I love to drink and I love to sing

My educated mind has not been tapped…

All: But tonight you will all see,

The finest hour of TV

On the Family Guy Variety Hour!

Lois: And I might just drop my pants!

Peter: LOIS! If anyone of you looks so help me god I will break your feakin' necks!

All: Tonight you will all see

Thanks to FOX and your TV

THE FAMILY GUY VARIETY HOUR! (hold for 5 count)

Music ends and Peter farts.

Peter: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH! Oh god, Lois did you hear that? 9.5 on the Richter scale.

Commercial break.