Disclaimer: The song lyrics are the sole property of the band Evanescence.
In the secluded valley on the outskirts of the village, surrounded by the protection of trees; anyone was welcomed. If you could play the game and if you could play it well, there was no such thing as prejudice, cruel names, or taunting. You were accepted.
And Inuyasha held that close to his young little heart.
It was routine. Once chores were through, and your parents were through with you, head straight to that special valley. Don't delay.
For they need you.
To play the game.
And that was what was happening on a cold dreary day. A breeze chilled the dozen or so village children who ran around and laughed across the frosted grass and dirt. Many were huddled in two piles opposite of one another, screaming and yelling with excitement to the only two players left on the field.
One of these players was the young hanyou, Inuyasha. And this was his favorite game.
"You can't get me, Yasha!" The village angel, the most precious child, giggled and skipped just a few feet in front of the hanyou pup. Her bouncy black curls flailed around her soft pink face. Her unusual blue-green eyes sparkled in enjoyment. She was small and considered very fragile. Everyone in the village was captivated by the purity which seemed to glow around her little form. Her gap-toothed smile and dazzling eyes could capture any one's heart.
Just as she had with the certain half-breed boy chasing after her.
"Yes, I can," he laughed and pumped his legs harder. "I'm not even trying." And of course he wasn't. This bizarre rendition of tag was a cinch for a child with demon blood flowing through his veins. He was just starting to feel a harshness of breath and they had been playing for over an hour. "I'm going to get you!"
She smiled that beautiful, warm smile of hers and his heart skipped a beat.
That was the same smile she bestowed onto him the very first time they had met. When she had stroked his ears, the only other person besides his mother to do so, and when she had invited him to this special place. It was because of her, that the other kids accepted him and had allowed him to play ever since. It was because of her, did he know the joy of joining in and having friends.
It was because of her….that had him feel his first experience…of love.
He loved her.
Inuyasha: nearing his sixth birthday, short and shy for his age, knew of this for a certainty. He was in love.
And it was all because of her.
One of his little ears twitched and swiveled near a gathering of jumping kids on one side of the field; or "the prison" if you got tagged by the other team.
"If you get her, we'll win!"
"You can do it!"
"We're counting on you!"
The little hanyou boy's face broke out into a smile and a burst of adrenaline pushed him forward. He was almost there. If he just barely stroked her arm, he would win the game for his team. And he would be a hero! What a great story to tell his Momma when sitting down for dinner.
A droplet of moisture smacked him on the tip of his nose and Inuyasha sniffed. Rain…it would be raining soon.
Ah, darn it, he would have to go faster.
If he didn't tag her now, then they would have to start all over later when the weather allowed them to again.
Come on, his team was counting on him. Their cheers droned in his ears when he reached out his strangely clawed fingers…
He was almost there...
He didn't see the rock.
And he didn't see the hole.
And Inuyasha was not that coordinated at the time.
It was almost as if time slowed down to a crawl. He was aware of himself falling, of his balance being teetered by that little inconvenience, and of the ground coming to meet him face first.
It was inevitable.
But he tried to save himself anyway. It was only instinct.
Grabbing at the air with the same hand that stretched out in front of him, he could feel his claws rake at something, but it didn't give him hold. Along with a disturbing gurgling sound and a thump beside him, screams of horror filling the air…Inuyasha fell. He was aware at once of the icy strikes of rain soaking his back and neck, making him wince and shiver. Grass and mud filled his nostrils and he sneezed, clumsily lifting himself off the ground. One of his hands slicked across the ground and he was then aware of the strange texture coating the sensitive pads of his hand and fingers.
Something wasn't right.
When he sat up, Inuyasha found all of the village children standing around him in a circle. Their eyes were wide and filled with tears, despair and grief, terror and revulsion marring their once happy faces. Some were kneeling on the ground clutching their chests or were holding one another, covering their faces.
Then there were some…who were beginning to glare at him with pure unadulterated hatred.
Something was definitely wrong.
In slow motion once more, Inuyasha turned his head and stared down at his right hand.
Globs of thick black-red liquid dribbled slowly off his claws to the ground; the drops – kerplunked – sickenly to a puddle slowly growing outward to his knees.
His amber eyes followed the trail with a will of their own and the once innocent hanyou pup was met with the first sight that changed his life forever.
He shouldn't have played the game.
There she was…no longer warm and beautiful…his first love laying crumpled on her side, the lacerations sunk low into her neck the cause of the nauseating sea of growing blood inching towards him.
Her blue-green eyes were cold and lifeless, staring up at him without sight, marred with the frozen expression of terror and surprise. Blood trickled out the corner of her soft, slacked mouth.
"N-no…" he squeaked his voice box raspy and strained. "No, don't…please…please w-wake up. Please…I……I'm sorry…I didn't mean t-to…please…wake up…"
Inuyasha shook his head back and forth in a rhythmic trance, his tears unnoticed by the onslaught of rain falling on top of them. He reached out with a shaky arm, but before he could touch her cold, clammy skin, it fell to the ground with a thump and he bowed low in despair. His white hair, clinging to his head, hung in strands around his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed.
It couldn't be true.
It wasn't true.
It wasn't real.
It couldn't be.
He looked up and met with his first love's graying eyes once more and a gritty bile reared up in his throat. The slimy yellowish mixture that stained the ground, mixing with the red, stung his tongue and esophagus.
And that was how the adults found them.
Inuyasha: reliving the taste of his breakfast, blood on his hands. Their angel lying dead before him like a sacrifice.
But…it couldn't be true.
It couldn't be real…No…
Has no one
Breathing? I'm your mind
I'm your mind
To talk to
If you do something bad, you are punished for it. We are all aware of that rule. But life does not come in black and white. For some who do bad…never get prosecuted.
And some who have never done a single thing wrong…get punished.
Inuyasha was not allowed to leave his home, a rank little hut, until the villagers could come up with an idea on what to do with him.
For of course he would be punished. If it wasn't for his mother, holding him close to her chest and begging on her knees, they would have destroyed him at that field right then and there.
With some, the execution would be easy. They had always thought that hanyou would be trouble, something that strange could never be trusted; they should have killed him long ago before something like this could have happened! But others, who had taken the time to get to know the boy, were muddled with confusing emotions and heavy hearts. The young boy was always so kind and helpful to everyone, never speaking up or lashing out; they knew on some level…that it was not his fault.
But their voices would not rise to vouch for him.
Their angel was dead. They needed healing. In their grievous minds, only the harsh death of the one found with the assailant's blood on their hands could make do.
He would have to die.
On some deep sub-conscious awareness, Inuyasha knew of what was happening. He knew that the people living in the place he called home were planning his death. But you would not know of this if you watched him or spoke with him.
Little Inuyasha spent the waking hours in silence, staring at the wall; neither eye nor ear twitching. He would join the living world only when his mother would talk to him. And when that happened, you could never tell that he was on trial for the murder of his first love and best friend.
He would smile and laugh, as if nothing was wrong. He had full, exciteable conversations. But a veil covered his eyes, blocking out the memory, of the knowledge of what was happening.
He was acting completely normal.
And that was the saddest thing out of it all.
In his conscious mind, he knew it couldn't be real. He was only dreaming. It couldn't be true. Nothing so cruel and heart-breaking could happen to him. He had never done anything wrong. Except, to the villagers getting ready for his execution…for being born.
So he sat and smiled, waiting for a morning never to come to wake him up from a nightmare…called reality.
It was only a dream. It couldn't be real…
From this dream
"Momma loves you darling, you know that, right? I would do anything for you. I love you with every beat of my heart and from then on. Don't worry about anything. I'll make them understand that it was only an accident. You didn't mean to do it. Everything will be alright. I love you, Little Yasha, my sweet baby boy. Don't give up on me, okay? Be strong. You don't deserve this. Be strong for Momma and remember… I love you…"
Don't worry Momma. It's only a dream. We'll wake up soon. Don't cry Momma. I know you love me. You can stop hugging me now Momma. Everything is okay. Please, Momma, don't be sad, I'll be strong. I'll be the strongest for you. Everything is alright. Because it isn't real.
I love you too…
His mother kissed him and hugged him, tickling his ears, whispering her words of love with all her heart. And then she said goodbye. She was going to go talk to them again. She was going to try with all her might to have the village council understand. She blew him a kiss, tears welling up in her eyes and then she walked out the door.
I love you too, Momma…
Inuyasha's big golden orbs filled with tears as he stared at the door and his lip quivered. Please don't let it be true. Momma doesn't deserve this. What did I do to deserve this? A flash of his love's lifeless eyes seared his brain once again and he choked back a sob. No, don't let it be real. Please…it can't…be real…No…please…no…
Try to fix me
I'm the lie
Living for you
So you can hide
That was the last time he ever saw his mother's loving face.
It could have either been the shout of rage or the shrill scream that had dragged Inuyasha away from staring at the wall and into the dusty streets of his village. Or it could have been that thick, gut-wrenching stench already so familiar to him that led his steps out the door. Either way, it was fated to be for then he came upon the next part of his life that would change him…forever.
It's strange how in the traumatic times of your life, your mind shuts down and slows to a snail's pace, soaking in every detail with a sluggish measure. But with every detail your mind senses…it is never forgotten…
When Inuyasha came upon the huge mob outside his hut, it took his shocked mind a long while to realize that his mother was not supposed to have metal spokes growing out of her back…or a puddle of blood forming around her feet.
His mother's arms were hanging limp at her sides and her head was bowed to her chest. Her entire body shook when the spokes slurped back into her skin. And in a crumbled heap, she fell to the ground. Twisting in such a way, her head had spun to show him her face. Ashy and pale, wide and lifeless eyes meeting his, blood spurting out between her teeth and tongue. His mind registered all these details in a matter of seconds.
Along with the man's eyes…
In a horrified daze, Little Yasha was able to rip his gaze from his mother's corpse to look up the man who had taken his Momma away from him.
He was holding the bloody pitchfork, muscle still clinging to the three knives. Rage and grief twisted his features. His hands were shaking and white as he clung to the fork's handle and Inuyasha could hear bone creaking by the powerful force the man was grinding his teeth. His breathing was shallow and harsh, ragged with every inhale.
That breathing would haunt his dreams for many a night to come.
And those eyes, hatred that came from the very depths of his core, chilling with hunger for death…for murder…those would haunt his once peaceful dreams for much longer.
Inuyasha's sluggish mind was able to whisper one little thought before the tears began to sting his eyes. This man was once the happy smiling father of his love, who used to laugh so gaily and give him special scraps from his lunch in the fields. He had used to like this man…
Not anymore. Acceptance. Love. Those fuzzy childish feelings of such innocence and trust…were gone…
A boiling fire began to rumble in Inuyasha's little chest. A deep vibration shook his throat and in his sensitive ears, a dangerous animalistic growl filled his drums. Red began to seep in the outlines of his vision and a strange new voice…low…angry…cold…whispered to him in a seductive command.
Kill. Kill him. Kill them all.
The dream was real. Inuyasha stared down at the broken body of his mother, no longer smiling, no longer laughing, no longer able to tell him…
I love you…
His love flashed in his mind's eye: cold, rotting in the ground, bleeding…from his claws.
I loved her…
The voice chilled his spine as it laughed inside his mind, echoing along his now emptying chasms. They were to be filled now with only anger, hopelessness, emptiness, and blood-lust.
Love is a pitiful human emotion. You do not need it. You can not have it. It is not meant for you. You are a monster.
No…his little mind pleaded against this new force. The red once blinding him, now lessened and allowed him to see the man. His love's father. He stomped towards Inuyasha, raising his murder weapon. The one meant to kill him as well.
You are. You are a monster! You killed her and you shall kill them all as well! Taste their blood! Fill your need! Feed on his innards like the beast you are!
"NO!" Little Inuyasha, tears streaking his face, red hazing over amber, twisted and ran out of the village. His little legs pounded against the dirt. The whole way into the sanctuary of the woods and the green of Mother Nature…the voice kept laughing…
You're a monster, you do not belong. There's no place for you. You are cold and heartless. You have no soul…
He could hear the man's screams chasing after him among the trees, "You vile beast! I will kill you! You murderer! You damn hanyou…you sin of nature…! I will render you lifeless like you did to my daughter! You monster!"
It was real…Inuyasha shrieked as he slipped and tumbled head over heels into a myriad of thorn brush.
It was true…he bit his lip until a metallic taste filled his mouth; to quell his sobs as the village men ran past his hiding spot.
I'm a monster…a murderer…I have no place in the world…
He huddled into a shivering, sobbing ball and rocked back and forth, tiny whimpers escaping his lips. It was true, it was true, it was real, it wasn't a dream, he killed his love, they killed his mother, and he was alone…a monster…
You believe it now, don't you little one?
Inuyasha covered his ears and bit his bottom lip, "G-go away…go away…please…go away!"
The voice chuckled in his ears, I cannot you pitiful hanyou. I have always been here and I will always be here. You cannot get rid of me that easily. Right now…I am your only friend. The only thing you can talk to. So get used to it.
A chill eased into his little chest and Inuyasha shivered. The voice was right. Even though it frightened him, he needed someone to talk to…before the bad feelings swallowed him whole. "I-it's my fault isn't it…."
The voice did not hesitate though its words were said in a gentle understanding tone. Yes.
"I k-killed my Momma," he muffled a sob bubbling to the surface.
No, you did not. But that man…the father's horrid and grievous face flashed in his mind's eyes. He killed her because of you.
"W-why? What did I do?"
You were born.
A wave of that delicious warmth bloomed in his chest and another growl rumbled in his throat. "That's a damn stupid reason!" He gasped and covered his mouth with his tiny hands. He had cursed. Momma had never liked cursing.
He could feel the voice give an evil grin. Why should you care, hanyou? She's dead. You're alone. All alone. You'll be dead by morning. And when you are…its horrible laugh echoed in his mind. I'll be in control.
His breath stilled and amber orbs widened. "What do you mean?" Inuyasha whispered in a cool wary tone.
What I mean is...when your pathetic human soul leaves this body, I will have full control. I'll be my own master and I will murder everyone. Every…single…one. Every single person and demon that has ever made fun of me, laughed at me, or ignored me. I will seek retribution for all that have wronged me.
A lustful, murderous smile.
Or maybe I'll just kill everyone. Yeah…I like blood. I like that "death" smell. Yes, that may be fun. It purred.
Little Yasha covered his ears and crawled back into the bushes' shadow, as if that may protect him from the evil words. "No, stop, you can't. That's a bad thing to do. Momma wouldn't like that."
For the first time, the voice seemed pained when it spoke. Hurt and angry: Well, you know what? She's DEAD! Dead and rotting! She's not here anymore so I don't give a damn! And YOU shouldn't give a damn! They killed her because of us. Because of what we—you are!
Inuyasha shrank and winced by the harshness…of the truth. It was his fault. He didn't belong anywhere. There was no place for a murderer.
For a hanyou, It growled.
"A….hanyou…?" He had heard the word before and had asked his mother. But all she'd done was cry. By the thoughts of his mother, new tears welled in his eyes. It felt like those metal spokes were stabbing his own heart.
Yes, a hanyou. That's what you are. A monster. A sin of nature. A menace. A freak. You're not wanted.
"Why…?" He squeaked. The words were like little needles poking at his already ripped, stabbed, shredded, stomped, and bleeding heart. His very soul screamed in agony.
Because you're different. Because you're strange. People don't like strange and different. They're scared of you. There will be no place, no home for you because of what you are. You're an outcast. aAn outsider. Unwanted. You should just die. No one wants you. And don't worry…no one will miss you. I sure won't. I'll be having too much fun destroying everything with your body.
It liked to laugh at him. It liked to torment him and provoke him. He didn't even know what it was. But he did know…
That it had to go away.
There was that warmth again. That strength flowing through his veins and blocking out the pain. He liked the feeling. He never wanted it to stop.
But it had too…
Killing was wrong. His Momma had always said that. She said he had to be good and understanding of the bad things people did to him. They were just scared.
But they killed her! How can you forgive them for that! They killed our Momma!
Inuyasha looked up into the sky, rain pelting his face, and he let out a deafening howl. A scream of pain. It let the world know that it's harshness, it's cruelties, had destroyed who he had been…and had created another in his place.
He wanted the world to know his pain.
He wanted to show them the pain of…death…
He…wanted to kill them.
Yes! We must! We MUST kill them all…
"You're not a monster, Inu! Don't ever forget that! You may be different…but different is okay. And I promise you…one day…there'll be a special someone. That person will love you for those differences. You just have to be patient. Wait for them Inuyasha. They're trying their very hardest to come to you…"
The red dissipated and golden eyes wavered. "Momma…" a soft voice whispered.
But…but what if they don't come?
Inuyasha agreed with the voice, now gentle and wary. What if his special person…never found them? What if that special person never existed?
"Just wait…they'll come…"
The young boy nodded and summed up his remaining strength. He stood, shivering and broken. His golden orbs hardened into an indestructible mask, veiling over his tender heart. He began to walk.
But to where--the voice asked--Where will you go? You're not wanted.
Little Yasha growled and kept trudging through the mud and puddles, "Then I'll make my own world. My own place. Where people will accept me and love me for who I am. Where my special person lives. I'll make my own…just for me..." He growled and began to run, ducking under branches and hopping over roots, "Do you hear me world, I won't die! You can't get rid of me that easily! I'll make my own special place! My own! Do you hear me, dammit?"
He let loose another howl, pumping his legs harder, until they begged and burned. He ran, past that special valley, away from his home. He kept running.
The day was grim. A dark ceiling hung over his little white head. His future seemed bleak indeed and yet, he kept running, tears now dry. He ran to a place unknown, to people he had not yet met…to an invisible person, his special person, who held their arms out wide, a smile on their face.
He just prayed within his sore and bruised, battered and delicate heart…that they were real…and that they would keep waiting…
For he was coming. He was searching. Till the end of his days…He would keep running, dammit!
He would find that special place…just for him…
A.N: I shouldn't listen to Evanescense anymore.
AN ATTEMPTED EDIT: August 22, 2009