Persepolis130's Notes: This completely awesome format belongs to Theresa Green, and you need her permission before using it (but just ask-- she's really nice!). Thanks much, Theresa! I'd also like to thank Stratton for letting me read this to him, and Voltz both for the piggy-backing idea and for being such a hot Kisame cosplayer. After reading this Guide (and leaving feedback of course!), you should read the guides for Neji, Shikamaru, and Sasuke written by AnTiJaKe. This fic is a companion to those three. And just in case anyone thinks I don't like Lee,he's actually one of my favorite characters. It's just that he's way too fun to make fun of! Anyway, I know I should be working on Caged, but this distracted me way too much...
Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual To ROCK LEE
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own ROCK LEE unit. To make sure you receive the full benefits from your fuzzy-eyebrowed Taijutsu specialist, it is suggested that you read the following information thoroughly.
Name: Rock Lee
Weight: 103 lb
Place of Manufacturer: Hidden Villages Incorporated, Taijutsu Division
Your ROCK LEE Unit Comes with the Following Accessories
Green Spandex Jumpsuit
Pair of Gold Legwarmers
Pair of Blue Sandals
Red Leaf Waistband
White Bandages (x2)
Leg Weights (x2)
Shuriken Pouch w/ Shurikens (x10)
Super-Shine Shampoo and Conditioner
You may notice, when you first open the box, that your ROCK LEE unit is frighteningly unattractive. This is completely normal. The unit is not damaged in any way.
Your ROCK LEE unit comes with a number of functions and modes. Below are listed several of his many uses:
Ninja: Your ROCK LEE unit is fanatically obsessed with improving his skills as a ninja, despite the fact that he has no natural talent in the matter and is unable to use Ninjutsu and Genjutsu. He will protect you to the death even though he couldn't make a bunshin if his life depended on it.
Transportation: ROCK LEE units are strong and fast, and they give excellent piggy-back rides. With the price of gas these days, they're a very economical alternative.
Bar Companion: Take a ROCK LEE unit to the bar with you for protection and a sure way to attract members of the opposite sex. After all, next to him, anyone looks good! Just make sure you don't let him drink anything.
Your ROCK LEE unit comes with the following modes:
Steadfastly Determined (default)
Open-Gate Badass (locked)
Alternative (locked; see FAQ)
Please note that if your ROCK LEE unit is put in the vicinity of a HARUNO SAKURA unit, he will immediately shift into Love-Struck Mode. Your ROCK LEE unit will not shift back into Steadfastly Determined mode until he is no longer in the presence of the SAKURA unit. This is not a good thing, as your ROCK LEE will sacrifice his own chances in the second round of the Chuunin exam in order to impress/protect the SAKURA, but to no avail.
When properly bonded with a MAITO GAI unit, both units will often shift to Tearfully Joyous Mode in each other's presence. This is normal and does not indicate any sort of injury to either unit. However, do to the extreme creepiness factor, Tearfully Joyous Mode should be avoided in front of other units. This can be achieved by giving the two sufficient (but not excessive) alone-time.
If he is properly trained, your ROCK LEE unit will be able to unlock its Open-Gate Badass Mode when thoroughly challenged in battle. Though this will impress all HATAKE KAKASHI, UZUMAKI NARUTO, HYUUGA NEJI, and many other units watching the fight, it is not recommended, as it can devastate your LEE unit's body, not to mention his highly-prized hairstyle.
Also note that ROCK LEE does not have access to his Slash Mode. Though he is interested in HARUNO SAKURA, he is too young, and most likely far too odd, to begin a sexual relationship with her or any other unit. If you wish for your ROCK LEE unit's Slash Mode to surface, it is recommended that you purchase a SAKURA unit but keep her far away from any and all UCHIHA SASUKE units and wait for the HARUNO SAKURA to get over her initial revulsion. It is not recommended that you hold your breath.
Another locked mode is ROCK LEE's Alternative Mode. This mode can only be unlocked with the use of a specially-purchased SAKE SET, and will result in slurring of speech, a hostile attitude, and massive property damage. This mode should only be opened under extremely close supervision or when fighting KIMIMARU units. Even under the supervision of a MAITO GAI unit, the ROCK LEE unit's Alternative Mode should not be unlocked at keg parties.
Relations With Other Units
Your ROCK LEE is a warm-hearted and friendly unit who will be initially looked down upon by most other units because of his unsightly looks and shocking lack of fashion sense. Below are listed specific models that are generally compatible with your ROCK LEE.
MAITO GAI: Your ROCK LEE unit possess an often distressingly deep sense of respect and admiration for the MAITO GAI unit and will attempt to seek its approval and assistance and to bond with it in any way it can. It is recommended that you buy a MAITO GAI unit to supervise your LEE's development, as your ROCK LEE unit may end up emotionally damaged without his support. However, it is important to closely supervise your ROCK LEE unit if he begins to spend too much time with a GAI unit, as this may unlock his Alternate Setting or (God forbid) his Slash Mode (see FAQ).
TENTEN: TENTEN units will reluctantly train with your ROCK LEE unit, but are much more interested in training with HYUUGA NEJI's. TENTEN units are generally polite and understanding, but overexposure to your ROCK LEE may overload their system. This is not recommended, as all TENTEN units include one hundred (100) finely-honed shuriken and forty (40) sharply-pointed kunai, which could be greatly harmful to your LEE unit.
HARUNO SAKURA: As previously noted, exposure to HARUNO SAKURA units will immediately initiate your ROCK LEE's Love-Struck Mode, which is generally pointless and occasionally discouraging. However, the mere presence of HARUNO SAKURA units will promote your ROCK LEE to train all the harder, which is helpful for his development, if not his love life.
UZUMAKI NARUTO: Your ROCK LEE unit feels great affection toward all UZUMAKI NARUTO units on account of the NARUTO unit's devotion to hard work and his Life-Changing Motivational Speaker Mode, as well as the NARUTO unit's willingness to wear green spandex when presented with it by a MAITO GAI unit. Although both units seek to attract the HARUNO SAKURA unit, this fact does not deter their interactions, since neither of them ever has any luck anyway due to the ever-present UCHIHA SASUKE unit's dreamy good looks.
HYUUGA NEJI: Your ROCK LEE will be berated by all HYUUGA NEJI units, causing your LEE unit to challenge the HYUUGA NEJI to a fight which it will lose appallingly. This will impel your ROCK LEE to train harder so that it may one day defeat the HYUUGA NEJI unit. While minimum exposure to a HYUUGA NEJI is essential for a ROCK LEE unit to flourish, it is recommended that this is done sparingly to prevent permanent damage to your ROCK LEE unit.
UCHIHA SASUKE: Your ROCK LEE unit has a natural aversion to UCHIHA units, due to their astonishing good looks and natural genius, and will most likely challenge an inexperienced UCHIHA SASUKE unit to a battle. After defeating the UCHIHA SASUKE unit, your LEE will most likely not interact further with the SASUKE unit, since the latter's default of Stoic Asshole Mode is incompatible with your LEE unit.
SABAKU NO GAARA: It is most highly recommended that you not expose your ROCK LEE unit to a SABAKU NO GAARA unit in any circumstances, as exposure will lead to your LEE unit's ass being thoroughly whipped, requiring a complete refurbishing of the LEE unit. This can be time-consuming and costly, and may void your ROCK LEE's warrantee (see FAQ).
Your ROCK LEE unit is fully capable of cleaning and grooming himself but will feel flattered if you compliment him on his looks and cleanliness, especially his shiny hair and brilliant smile, of which he is exceedingly proud.
Feeding and Rest
Your ROCK LEE should be properly fed at least three full meals a day and enjoys medium spicy curry. He should also get a full night's rest whenever possible because of the draining effect of his constant and obnoxious emphasis on hard work and training.
Unfortunately, you may grow tired of your ROCK LEE's inappropriately clingy spandex, unhealthy attachment to his sensei, and constant ninja sound effects, causing you to wish to dispose of him. Having worked so hard against the advice of nearly everyone to gain even the slightest talent, LEE units have a distaste of being thrown away.
However, if you must dispose of the unit, it is recommended that you obtain a SABAKU NO GAARA unit from the SAND SIBLINGS collection and put the two of them together alone in a fairly indestructible, easily-cleanable location.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Question: My ROCK LEE unit has been thoroughly beaten by a SABAKU NO GAARA unit and has been rendered immobile. What should I do?
Answer: The only option is to obtain a TSUNADE (GODAIME HOKAGE) unit to heal your ROCK LEE. These units are extremely rare and difficult to find, and location of one may require the purchase of a JIRAIYA unit. It is also highly recommended that you acquire a NARA SHIKAMARU unit and an UZUMAKI NARUTO to safeguard your LEE from impending attacks from the GAARA unit and a MAITO GAI unit to drive off the GAARA by giving the unit horrific migraines.
Question: No matter what I do, my HARUNO SAKURA unit will not go anywhere near my ROCK LEE, much less go out on a date with him. How can I get her to change her mind?
Answer: This is highly unlikely. However, disposal of all UCHIHA SASUKE units is essential unless you have unlocked the SASUKE's Slash Mode with an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit whose Alternative Slash Mode is open (see the Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual To UZUMAKI NARUTO). Even in this case, disposal of the SASUKE unit is highly recommended. After disposal of the SASUKE unit, have a TSUNADE (GODAIME HOKAGE) unit bet that your ROCK LEE unit will never score with the SAKURA. Otherwise, your ROCK LEE is probably up a creek.
Question: My ROCK LEE unit keeps leaping around making weird noises when he's successful in training, which is really super annoying. Is it broken?
Answer: Not at all! You should acquire a MAITO GAI unit to smack the sense back into your LEE. However, this may shift both units into Tearfully Joyous Mode, which will petrify other units. Another option is to purchase a TENTEN unit to do it, though some TENTEN units will only smack ROCK LEE units when they have passed out on the battlefield while defending HARUNO SAKURA's.
Question: I purchased the SAKE SET to unlock my ROCK LEE's Alternative Mode, but I'm afraid he might cause too much destruction when he becomes a belligerent drunk. Is it really safe to unlock my LEE's Alternative Mode?
Question: My HARUNO SAKURA unit is not responding favorably to my ROCK LEE's advances, but I'm sort of a perv and really want to unlock my LEE unit's Slash Mode. I get the feeling that I could quite easily unlock it by using my MAITO GAI unit. Is this possible?
Answer: We sure as hell hope not. And go see a therapist, for God's sake.
Problem: The ROCK LEE unit keeps training himself to exhaustion and collapsing in tears, but it doesn't seem to be Tearfully Joyous Mode.
Solution: The ROCK LEE unit simply needs someone to support him in his efforts. A MAITO GAI unit or an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit would be very helpful, and it is suggested that you purchase one before the LEE unit gives up the will to live.
Problem: The ROCK LEE unit does not seem to be bonding properly with the MAITO GAI unit he was introduced to.
Solution: This is a very uncommon glitch, but introducing a HATAKE KAKASHI unit to the pair will most likely prompt the GAI unit to reminisce on his youth and comment on the LEE unit's nice eyes, inducing the MAITO GAI unit to take the ROCK LEE unit under his wing. If this does not work, either your LEE or GAI units needs to be reformatted, and you must contact Support Services.
Problem: The ROCK LEE unit is wearing a flack jacket and keeps ranting about the "Springtime of Youth."
Solution: You may have purchased a MAITO GAI unit in error. If not, check the expiration date on your package, as your ROCK LEE unit may be past its expiration date and should be returned for a full refund.
With proper guidance and care, your ROCK LEE should grow into a fine, if freakishly unattractive, man. His warranty is good for two years, though it may be voided by exposure to SABAKU NO GAARA units. Please see our website for more information.