Trick or Pocky?

By: firefly

Note: Dude, I haven't written some humour in a long while, have I? Well, here's a bit of crack I thought up before I went to bed, and I swear I wasn't under the influence of any drug when I wrote it. So please enjoy, and show me love with a review. Thanx!

Also, for those who don't know what pocky is, I suggest you visit Wikipedia, which OWNS Encarta's ass.

Trick or Pocky?

"How long do they expect us to sit around in this dump?" Ino huffed, rubbing her goosebumps as she looked around the dank, dark, freakish and lilac-scented waiting room of the abandoned Sarutobi Mansion.

"And why would they hold a Halloween party here, of all places?" Neji muttered, making sure he stayed away from the dark nooks and crannies. "Is this supposed to scare us?"

"We might as well make ourselves at home," Sakura sighed, fixing her witch hat before plopping down on a chair. "Kakashi-sensei might take a couple of hours."

"Let's just sneak out!" Kiba complained loudly from his spot by the fireplace. "I wanna toilet-paper the school!"

"But Kiba…Kurenai-sensei told us to wait here," Hinata said hesitantly, feeling even more reclusive because of her bunny costume. And no, you pervs, it was just a pair of cotton ears and tail attached to her regular outfit, along with drawn-in whiskers.

Everyone eventually fell silent, listening uncomfortably to the sound of Chouji munching on his Halloween candy.

Shikamaru had sprawled himself over a chaise lounge, using the cape of his Zorro costume as a blanket. The only reason he had bothered with such a troublesome costume was because Asuma had smoked a "special" cigarette three days ago, and had the idea to dress every single Genin for Halloween.

Without giving any idea of what was going on, the stoned Asuma made every Genin draw a slip out of a hat.

Neji had bitched loud enough to send every bird in Konoha into flight.

The Genins were assigned individual costumes, ones they HAD to wear, under the insane penalty that they'd never be able to take the chunnin exam ever again.

But anyway, Ino got the angel, and was now idly plucking the strings on her fake harp.

Witch for Sakura, who was now using the end of her broomstick to repel Lee.

Lee was the mummy, and was currently staggering around the room tripping over his bandages.

Chouji was the pumpkin, and was doing a rather splendid job of making the deflated pumpkin costume look plump.

Kiba was the vampire, and was attempting to keep Akamaru from licking the strawberry syrup off his chin and keep his oiled hair slicked back.

Shikamaru Zorro. He was snoring on the chaise.

Shino was Frankenstein's monster, and made the whole metal nuts and forehead stitches getup complete with the occasional bug that crawled across his face.

Hinata was the bunny, and kept nervously adjusting the bunny ears and tail.

Neji, the renowned Hyuuga prodigy, reluctantly dressed as a psycho surgeon, and kept scratching at the dark red paint that splattered his surgical mask and gown.

Tenten's costume was the most embarrassing. She was dressed as a pink Power Ranger and was now trying to make herself look as small as possible.

Sasuke, who hadn't spoken the whole day, had been forced into a red devil spandex costume, complete with the painted black goatee, red plastic trident, and hair that had been styled to curve into two horns that were sprayed red.

He was crying inside, relieved that Itachi couldn't see him now.

And Naruto—

"Hey," Sakura sat up suddenly. "Has anyone seen Naruto?"

"Idiot's probably locked himself in a closet," Sasuke muttered, yanking on the hot red spandex that clung to his tush.

"Or maybe," Kiba said with a sharp-toothed grin. "He got taken out by the vengeful spirits of the Sarutobi's!"

"You dumbass," Ino said scornfully over her left wing. "There are no such things as ghosts. It's more likely that he got jumped by some masked psycho on the way to the bathroom."

"N-Naruto-kun?" Hinata called weakly into a dark corridor, before pulling back to look at the others.

"What was Naruto-kun's c-costume?"

"He didn't have a costume," Sasuke said under his breath. "He came as himself."

"He dressed as a clown, Hinata," Sakura said comfortingly to the worried bunny. "Don't worry, he's probably around here somewhere."

Lee stopped stumbling around long enough to get the bandages out of his eyes and say the fateful words of doom from every "buncha-teens-get-locked-in-a-haunted-house-on-Halloween" movie.

"Hey, why don't we all just split up to look for him?"

Everyone seemed to realize the significance of the clichéd line, and were now staring at each other in paranoia.

"Dude," Kiba said seriously to Lee. "You're gonna get us all killed if you say anything else like that."

Lee shrugged good-naturedly, turning to walk into the dark corridor. "You guys don't have to, I'll go."

He turned and did the nice guy pose, one twinkling eye visible through the bandages.

"I'll be right back!"

Kiba's jaw dropped at the second clichéd line that escaped Lee's mouth, before the beautiful green mummy disappeared into the darkness.

"Oh my God, did you hear what the moron said!"

"W-What?" Hinata stammered, looking alarmed.

"He said he'd be right back!" Kiba exclaimed, with Akamaru barking in agreement. "You don't say that in these situations!"

"Silence, mutt," Neji ordered.

Kiba turned to glare at the stoic surgeon. "Don't say that to Akamaru!"

"I was talking to you."

"Why you"—

"Wait, you guys," Tenten suddenly stood up, looking alarmed. "Did you hear that?"

Everyone fell silent, long enough to hear the sound of something heavy being dragged through the dark halls that lay beyond.

"Holy cheese," Chouji mumbled through a mouthful of cheetos. "That was scary."

"Who was that?" Sakura whispered, looking terrified.

Neji activated his Byakugan, peering intently into the darkness. There was a moment of silence, and then a loud bang that startled them.

"Damn dobe," Sasuke said, annoyed as he yanked on the spandex again. "What does he think he's doing?"

"Neji-niisan," Hinata said hesitantly, trying to make her frail voice sound even frailer. "Can we look for N-Naruto-kun…?"

Neji looked down at the bunny ears, and the twitching black whiskers he'd drawn himself.

His heart melted a little.

"Fine," he mumbled. "You'll come with me."

"I'll go with Sasuke-kun!" Ino cried, jumping to her feet, only to be faced with a growling Sakura.

"He's going with me, you harpy!"

"Get out of my face, forehead girl!"

"Oi," Chouji said, chewing on some toffee. "Sasuke's long gone."

Ino and Sakura turned to look in the direction Chouji pointed in, and hesitated at the sight of a forbidden-looking hallway.

"Whatever," Ino said, recovering first. "I'll find Sasuke with Shikamaru."

"Oi, Shikamaru!" Ino yelled, standing over her slumbering teammate. "Get up!"

Shikamaru remained motionless, and Ino looked over her shoulder long enough to see Sakura take off with Tenten as her partner. A vein twitched in her temple.

"Wake up!" she screeched, breaking her harp over Shikamaru's head.

Groaning loudly, with Zorro's mask sitting lopsided on his face, Shikamaru was dragged out of the room by his cape.

Kiba, Chouji, and Shino looked at each other for a moment, and then followed suit, disappearing into the dark hallways.

The room was left empty, the silence eerie and foreboding, until shuffling footsteps entered the room. Someone who looked as if he had been dressed by a hobo entered the room, his leering face covered by a crudely stitched leather mask.

He jerked on the starter chain of his chainsaw.

Puh-puh-puh-paaahhhhhh

He stared at the contraption in silence as it sputtered itself to death.

Sighing heavily, he fished in his pockets for a couple of batteries and replaced the old ones.

He yanked the starter chain again.

It started up with a roar, and now grinning maliciously, he stalked off into the darkness after his unsuspecting victims.


"Naruto-kun?" Hinata called meekly, cupping her hands over her mouth. "Where are you?"

Neji followed closely behind, eyeing the age-old portraits of long-dead Sarutobi's in the hallway. The back of his neck wouldn't stop prickling, despite his Byakugan being activated.

Peering through the walls was futile, as practically every room was pitch black inside.

He stopped at a certain painting, staring in bewilderment at a picture of melting faces. Reaching out, his gloved fingers smeared some of the melting paint off, eyes narrowing as he brushed it clean on his surgeon gown.

"Who uses oil-based paint for portraits?" he muttered in disgust. "Use acrylic, for God's sake, cheap bastards."

He turned, and blinked at the sight of the empty hallway before him.

The prickling on his neck intensified, and he couldn't help but panic a little when he darted forward, wide eyes searching for his bunny cousin.

"Hinata-sama?" he called, cursing as he tripped over the uprooted rug.

He stopped short at the sight of something white beneath his foot. Reaching down, his eyes widened when he saw that it was Hinata's cotton tail.

He paled.

"Hinata-sama!"

Clenching the tail in his fist, he ran off into the darkness in search of his cousin, completely oblivious to the shadowy figure that lurked after him.


Sasuke yanked the spandex off his tush for the sixth time, grumbling in annoyance as he stalked the halls.

I'll kill the dobe when I find him, and I'll gut Kakashi for forcing me into this effing suit! He swore inwardly, using his trident as a walking stick. But despite his bitching, he couldn't help but feel a little regal as his polyester cape fanned out majestically behind him.

Turning a corner, he stopped at the sight of an obscure figure at the end of the hall.

His eyes narrowed as the figure remained motionless.

"Oi, dobe, what do you think you're doing over there?"

The figure didn't answer, and Sasuke's irritation only grew when the red spandex started riding up his tush again.

"Listen, idiot. I'm not in the mood for this," he bit out through gritted teeth, starting forward. "I'll make good use of this damn spork."

He halted when the figure finally took a step forward, and a foot came into the dim light.

Sasuke stopped in mid-step, eyes focusing on the person's feet.

Autumn blueberry nail polish decorated the toenails.

Revlon, $12.95…

He found himself speechless as the other foot came into view, his shocked gaze slowly moving up the black cloak.

There was only one person he knew who used that brand…

Red clouds?

Sasuke's mouth went dry.

It couldn't be…

Twin Sharingans stared into his shocked eyes.

"Itachi?" Sasuke gasped, and then the next thing he knew his brother had bashed a metal salad tray over his head.

The last thing he remembered were the Autumn-blueberry coloured nails reaching for him before he blacked out.


"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura called out, sticking her head into every other room she passed. "Where are you? Hello?"

She sighed in dismay when she heard no answer, and instead turned to look at Tenten. The pink Power Ranger was watching the floor, and only when Sakura peered at the carpet did she see the trail of breadcrumbs.

"What the hell?"

"Isn't that the weirdest thing?" Tenten muttered, turning a corner with Sakura following. "Why do you suppose there's a trail of breadcrumbs here?"

"It reminds me of a story I read," Sakura commented thoughtfully. "It was about a brother and sister who were lost in the woods, and found their way out with breadcrumbs. And then there was something about a hag who wanted to eat them…"

"Cannibalism is so not healthy."

"I read somewhere that human flesh tastes like honey-glazed pork."

"That's sick."

"Yeah…do you like Neji?"

Tenten stopped, turning around to give Sakura a look of disbelief.

"Where the hell did that come from?"

Sakura shrugged. "Well, I don't know, I'm curious, and I wanna make sure I don't have any more competition for Sasuke."

Tenten grinned. "It wouldn't matter if I liked him or not. Neji is Hinata's bitch."

Sakura choked on her own saliva, trying to stifle her laughs. "W-What do you mean?"

Tenten shrugged, and kept on walking, following the trail of breadcrumbs.

"Like if we're training and he sees her coming back with the slightest scratch or bump, he drops everything and goes hollering, Hinata-sama! It's funny, they seem so much closer after he tried to kill her at the chunnin exams…"

"That's so cute. Neji is pretty hot, you know," Sakura said boldly, grinning as she waited for Tenten's reaction. "I bet you're jealous of the attention he gives Hinata-sama."

"Pfft. As if," Tenten huffed, finally coming to a stop before a door, the trail of breadcrumbs ending. "Neji's a cancer. We're not compatible."

She pulled the door open, and the two stepped inside.

The door slammed shut behind them, but neither heard it. The sight in front of them pretty much took up all their attention.

A hump-backed figure stood hunched over a giant smoldering cauldron, and was currently adding some couscous into the mixture.

"W-Who are you?" Sakura finally stammered.

The figure straightened and turned towards them, and Tenten's eyes widened at the sight of the old hag's warped grin.

"Hello, dearies. I'm so glad you could join me," she purred, slowly advancing on the shocked girls. "Would you like to know what's for dinner?"

"No," Tenten said automatically, and ran at the door, trying to pry it open but to no avail.

"The door's locked," Sakura said blankly to Tenten. "Conserve your energy and help me take the old hag out. We're ninjas for God's sake."

"Oh yeah," Tenten said in embarrassment.

They both got into fighting stances.

"Oh my," the hag sighed. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this."

She reached into her robes, and pulled out a heavy-duty rolling pin.

"Well then, let's go bitches," she said calmly.

Tenten let out a battle cry and Sakura an indignant shriek as they both leapt into a fight for their lives.


"Hey tubby, would you chew with your mouth closed!" Kiba snapped at Chouji. "I can't hear myself think!"

Chouji was too busy relishing his Hershey chocolate to care about the insult as he, Kiba, and Shino descended some creaky stairs.

"Hey Shino," Kiba said, pausing suddenly on the stairs. "Why don't you send out some bugs to see what's going on with the others?"

"I already did," Shino said, nonchalant. "They told me that Sakura and Tenten are fighting with a cannibalistic old lady, Sasuke's been kidnapped, Lee is missing, Ino and Shikamaru are upstairs on the other side of the mansion, and Hinata, Neji, and Naruto are somewhere on the main floor."

"That's the dumbest joke I've ever heard."

"I don't joke."

"Are you telling me you're serious?" Kiba demanded, putting his hand against the end of the banister.

"What's next, you gonna tell me there are trap doors too?"

"Hey Kiba," Chouji said through a mouthful of rolos. "Shino just fell through the floor."

Kiba turned around to see that the stair Shino once stood on had collapsed, taking the bug boy with it into the darkness below.

Kiba blinked.

"Well damn…"


"Neji-niisan…?" Hinata whimpered in the darkness, her wide eyes darting around for any other sign of life. "Naruto-kun?"

She gasped, stumbling backwards from a closet when a muffled thump came from within. Activating her Byakugan, she peered into the closet's interior, struggling to make out the shape in the darkness.

Shaking visibly, she glanced around for anybody, wanting nothing more than to run in the other direction.

It took everything she had to approach the closet door, and then some to reach out and touch the knob. Just as she was about to turn the knob, a loud bang sounded as the door suddenly flew open, and a figure came crashing into her.

Hinata stumbled to the floor, shrieking and shoving off the body that fell on top of her. She sat up, and let out another shriek when she saw who it was.

"N-Naruto-kun?" she gasped, seeing the fox-boy bound and gagged on the floor, totally naked except for his ducky boxers and clown nose.

He stared up at her with wide eyes, his yelling muffled as he thrashed around on the floor.

"I'll untie you, Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried, crawling over to him. She pulled the gag out of his mouth, and Naruto's frantic voice filled the hall.

"Hinata! I got jumped by some hobo with a chainsaw! I kept biting and kicking him because I couldn't do any ninjutsu since he stuffed my mouth with pocky! Dude, pocky is awwwesooome," he slurred, his wide blue eyes glazed over with a sugar high.

"Dude, it was like, there was a pocky party in my mouth, and there was pocky from Sweden and Norway and China and even CANADA! Like, like, I think I love pocky. Hinata, dude, you gotta try some of this pocky shit. Oh my God, it's nice."

"That's…good," Hinata stuttered, alarmed at Naruto's behavior. "H-Hold still so I can untie you."

"But the pocky's in my veins. It's like boogie-down crystal meth for the sugar-deprived, you know? Hey, hey! What the hell is Dr. Kevorkian doing here?"

Hinata glanced up and gasped in relief when she saw Neji standing a few feet from her. But her smile faded when she saw his look of horror as he stared at the questionable sight before him.

All the blood drained from her face.

"N-Neji-niisan, this isn't w-what it looks like!" Hinata cried, stumbling away from Naruto, who leapt to his feet, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Hey doc, I am in serious need of some more pocky, you got any?" He yipped.

"Hinata-sama," Neji croaked in disbelief. "Please…just tell me you used protection."

Hinata nearly fainted.

"N-No! I just found him in the c-closet, Neji-niisan! We didn't d-do anything!"

"Yo guys, there's like, some guy standing over here. Hey guy, you got some pocky for me? I'll give you my boxers. They feel nice, yeah?" Naruto's babbling carried over to them from the end of the hall.

"N-Naruto-kun, who's there?" Hinata stammered.

Naruto screamed suddenly, then leapt from out of the darkness and into Neji's arms.

"You—I—he—that guy with sand in his pants!" Naruto screeched. "The one with the giant squash!"

The figure finally stepped out of the darkness, and Neji and Hinata's jaws dropped.

Gaara of the Sand looked at them quizzically, and for a moment they just stood in silence. Neither spoke for a good awkward minute, then finally…

"Have you seen my siblings?" he asked, tonelessly.

Naruto, Hinata, and Neji simultaneously shook their heads no.

Gaara seemed to deflate slightly at the answer, and turned to walk away again. He paused, then turned back around.

"Why are you all dressed like that?"

"Dude with the chainsaw stole my clothes," Naruto said. "And it's Halloween. Much pocky."

"Oh." He said, then turned around and left.

Neji dropped Naruto on the floor, who scrambled to his feet and instead clung to Hinata's arm, eliciting a full-blown blush from the Hyuuga bunny.

"Hey honey bunny!" Naruto exclaimed in a sing-song voice, swinging her hand back and forth. "Let's find us some pocky! Some pocky for you, some pocky for me, some pocky for"—

"Shut up," Neji ordered, nailing Naruto in the head with his stethoscope. "How did you get here anyway, you idiot?"

"Oh man, I had to go pee like you have no idea, because the lady at the last house gave me so much apple juice and you know my bladder couldn't take it"—

Neji thwacked him on the head again.

"Get to the point."

"Okay! Yeah, so I was wandering around and some hobo with a chainsaw comes out. I opened my mouth to say Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and the guy sticks a buncha pocky in my mouth. He starts pulling off my clothes and I thought he was gonna ass-rape me or something so I kicked him a coupla times…"

Neji had to refrain from strangling Naruto with the stethoscope. "And?"

"And then there was like, this guy in a red spandex outfit who walked by at the end of the hallway, and the hobo tied me up and threw me in the closet and went after him, I think. But he gave me pocky!" Naruto pulled a handful of the yummy cookie sticks from the waistband of his boxers.

"You want one? You know you want it doc, pocky is sexy."

"You're insane," Neji said bluntly, batting Naruto's hand away. "Just shut up and walk behind us."

"Yes, yes, doctor knows best!"

"N-Naruto-kun," Hinata said hesitantly. "Neji-niisan isn't a real doctor, that's just a costume."

"I would hope so!" Naruto hollered, laughing hysterically and clutching his bare sides. "Look at those bloodstains! I'd fire your ass if you worked for me!"

This time Neji lost his patience, and wrapped the cord of the stethoscope around Naruto's neck.

Naruto's choked gasps filled the hall as Neji dragged him away, with Hinata scurrying close behind.


"Shikamaru, if you don't move any faster, I'll throw you down the stairs!"

"Why did you bring me if you were going to complain so much?" Shikamaru muttered. "You try walking in this cape."

"Hey, your pineapple head broke my harp, so don't complain."

Shikamaru didn't even bother to argue.

They finally finished ascending the stairs, and had just taken a few steps forward when Shikamaru slipped and fell on his tush.

"Don't offer to help me up," he muttered again as Ino knelt to look at the sticky substance on the floor.

She pressed her fingertips to the liquid, then brought it close to her face, her eyes widening in horrified recognition.

"Oh my God, it's chocolate syrup! My costume's going to get ruined!" she yelped. Shikamaru couldn't help but smile inwardly when she took a step forward and slipped, landing flat on her back.

"Eek! My hair!"

"You look nice as a brunette, Ino."

"Shut up! Ugh, I'm all sticky…damn it, I wonder if there's a shower around here," she mumbled, glancing around.

Shikamaru froze, registering this to be the third clichéd line he'd heard that night.

Never take a shower in these kinds of situations, even if you fall in a heap of fertilizer and take a swim afterwards in vomit.

NEVER take a shower.

"I'm taking a shower!" Ino declared, crawling away from the puddle of chocolate syrup. "You stand guard."

The lazy genius knew there was no point in arguing, so he dragged himself over to a chair as Ino disappeared into some random bathroom.

Now, everybody knows what happens to the young, relatively attractive females who take showers in a house where a killer is running loose.

Besides, if you didn't learn a lesson from Psycho, then you deserved to be gutted.

Ino hummed to herself as she removed the chocolate syrup-stained clothes, letting them drop to the floor. She turned on the shower and stepped in, snorting in contempt when she saw a bottle of Pert Plus.

Meanwhile, Shikamaru was beginning to doze off in his chair when he heard a noise. Raising his head, he scowled into the darkness.

"Ino, I'm not moving to get you a towel. You should have got one before you went in."

The noise got louder, and the hairs on the back of his neck rose as he recognized it to be the grating sound of a chainsaw.

"Asuma-sensei?" he said uncertainly, slowly getting to his feet. "Is that you?"

The roar was deafening as someone resembling a hobo entered the hall, smiling dementedly from behind his leather mask.

"…" Shikamaru stared, and then formed a seal to get the hobo in a shadow-bind.

"Kage"—

The rest of his words were cut short when he stepped forward and slipped on the puddle of syrup again, flipping onto his back.

"Ow…"

When he opened his eyes, the chainsaw was swinging down at his head.

"Ack!" Shikamaru rolled out of the way, scrambling and slipping on the syrup. The hobo grinned, raising his chainsaw before he swung it again.

Shikamaru stepped backwards, this time slipping and flipping over the banister. The chainsaw plowed through the wooden banister, and the hobo looked over it to see that Shikamaru had focused his chakra right before he hit the floor, and was now hanging upside down from the wall.

Shaking his fist, the hobo started towards the stairs as Shikamaru took off running for dear life.

Meanwhile, Ino was enjoying her shower, blissfully unaware as most soon-to-be-victims are of the threatening presence that had entered the bathroom.

She had her eyes closed as she rinsed her hair, and couldn't see the shadowy figure behind the curtain.

(Cue Psycho shower scene music here.)

A hand reached for the curtain, and Ino turned around just as it was yanked open.

Ino's screams filled the washroom, along with the chaotic screeching of violins.

"AAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHH! OMG! AAAAAAHHH!"

The obscured figure winced at the volume, and it was then that Ino noticed the lack of eyebrows.

"You sick pervert!" she screeched, tearing off the curtain to wrap it around her frame. "What the hell are you doing in our village?"

Gaara stared at her, looking mildly annoyed.

"Have you seen my siblings?" he asked flatly.

Ino stared at him incredulously, barely managing to shake her head.

Looking disappointed, he turned away and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Ino standing dumbfounded in the tub.


Lee was terrified. He was chained to a chair and had his eyelids pried open by some metal contraption, forcing him to look at the blank silver screen before him.

Some imposter posing as Gai-sensei led him to the room, convinced him to sit, and even managed to attach the contraption to Lee's eyes without resistance.

As later revealed to Lee, the supposed Gai-sensei turned out to be the hobo, who had simply used a cloning technique.

Now Lee was stuck, bloodshot eyes forced to stare at the screen. His eyes darted around in paranoia when he saw the hobo return, the malicious grin visible behind the leather mask.

Without a word, he placed a disc in a Panasonic DVD player and started up a projector.

Lee's eyes widened in horror when he saw what was on the disc. A repeated loop of people getting their eyebrows waxed, plucked, lasered, and threaded off flashed before his eyes, their agonized screaming blasting out from the surround-sound speakers.

He couldn't close his eyes, couldn't look away, couldn't do anything but watch and weep.


Sasuke woke with a groan, the bump on his head throbbing painfully.

He tried to move, and found that he was strapped down to a cold metal surface. Blinking blearily, he glanced around at his surroundings, eyes widening when he saw where he was.

It was an operating room, and looked as if it had recently been used for an organ fight. Blood splattered the walls, floor, and rusty equipment, along with little bits of something that made the Uchiha prodigy turn green.

He struggled to sit up, cursing when he raised his head and saw that he was securely strapped down to a metal gurney.

Then he stopped struggling suddenly, when he realized that his costume had been removed.

Raising his head again, he gaped when he saw himself clad in a pale blue hospital gown, legs bare from the knees down. A horrified grimace formed on his face when he realized that his entire behind was unclothed, as hospital gowns only provide frontal coverage.

And holy mother of God, where the hell was Itachi?

"Itachi, you sick bastard!" Sasuke yelled, struggling against the restraints. "I'll kill you this time for sure! I'll avenge our family! I'll"—

He stopped short when he realized something.

"Why the hell did you undress me?"

Someone finally came through a curtain, and Sasuke raised his head and was about to spout more avenger BS when he saw that it wasn't Itachi.

"Who the hell are you?" Sasuke demanded as some whacked out hobo-looking guy entered the room, wearing a surgeon's mask and gown. He merely grinned and shook his head, then walked closer to stand next to the gurney.

"Get away from me," Sasuke snarled, attempting to bite the hand that raised a mirror above his face.

The hobo beckoned him to look at his reflection, and Sasuke reluctantly looked up.

All the blood drained from his face when he saw the stenciled chalk-line going across his forehead.

"…?" The hobo raised a scalpel, cocking his head to the side as if asking for approval, and then raised his chainsaw, looking contemplative.

"Untie me!" Sasuke snapped, trying to sound unaffected in the face of an extremely messy death. "I have to go after Itachi to avenge my"—

The hobo cut him off with a tired wave of his hand, then mimicked a copy jutsu, pointing to himself.

"…it was you?" Sasuke whispered, deflating back onto the gurney. All hopes of going out with glory were gone from his mind now. He raised his head, aiming the most horrible glare he could muster at the hobo.

He was unable to move, that was clear, and he seemed to be under the influence of some kind of drug, but…

Heaven be damned if he was going to go quietly.

Sasuke opened his mouth as the chainsaw started up with a roar, and screamed bloody murder as it descended towards his forehead.

The hobo was having much fun now. He'd gotten the so-called Uchiha prodigy screaming for his mother here on the gurney, had further retarded the Kyuubi-possessed kid, was torturing the mummy, had his mother battling two girls, and was in the process of capturing that damn pineapple head.

Yes, things were going great, and he was just about to split open the thrashing Uchiha's head when he saw someone walk by from the corner of his eye.

"…?" he lowered the chainsaw, turning it off and setting it down on a table.

Sasuke lay there gasping for breath and inwardly thanking the poor soul who caught the hobo's attention, and busied himself by reaching for the scalpel the hobo foolishly left near his hand.

The hobo grabbed the chainsaw again on his way out, stomping after whoever had interrupted the operation.

His grin widened when he saw the same person walking leisurely down the hallway. He silently crept forward, sneaking up behind him as the person stopped at a junction between two halls.

The hobo raised the chainsaw, started it up, and made a demented happy face when the person turned around as he swung it down.

But instead of blood splattering the walls there was…sand?

A wall of sand prevented the chainsaw from maiming him. The hobo stepped back, dumbfounded when he saw that all of the chainsaw's teeth had been chipped off.

Gaara stared blankly at the hobo, completely unperturbed by the attempted murder.

He was too distracted by the need to ask a question anyway.

"Have you seen my siblings?" the redhead asked bluntly.

"…" the hobo slowly shook his head.

Looking disappointed, Gaara sighed heavily before turning away and walking in the opposite direction, leaving the hobo with a WTF? expression on his face.


Note: Gah, that's enough for now. Anyway, look forward to the next and probably last chappy, where the hobo's identity is revealed, Neji gets attacked by birds, Shino keeps falling through trap doors, Kiba is assaulted by poltergeists, and I finally explain why the hell Gaara is there looking for his siblings. Right now, though, I would greatly appreciate your lovely, HELPFULreviews! Do tell me what part you liked best, what part makes you think I should re-evaluate my sanity, etc.

Pocky for you if you do! Thanx.