Trick or Pocky ch.2
Voodoo for Dummies
The hobo was confused as he slowly walked back to where he left the screaming Uchiha. Some random redhead had just chipped off all his chainsaw's teeth and asked a random question about some random siblings.
The hobo shrugged, pulled a new chainsaw out from the closet, and walked back into the operating room with a leer.
He stopped, mouth dropping open behind the mask when he saw that the gurney was empty.
Growling in rage, he shook his fist at the empty gurney, furious not only because Sasuke had escaped, but because the Uchiha had the gall to steal the scalpel, too.
Sasuke stopped running after twenty minutes, choosing to rest next to an enormous grandfather clock. Gasping for breath, he lifted his head, looking around for any other sign of life.
He straightened, trying to maintain his composure.
"Okay, Sasuke," he whispered to himself. "Stay calm. Think yoga…" at this point he blushed, remembering the TV yoga instructor he had a crush on. He opened his eyes, glaring determinedly ahead.
First things first, he thought, walking into a different corridor. Find some clothes…
Meanwhile, Neji, Hinata, and Naruto were walking through one of the endless hallways. Well, Neji and Hinata were walking, whereas Naruto was bouncing off the walls.
"Hey doctor!" he yelled into Neji's stethoscope, earning a gentle fist in the gut. "Can you prescribe me some pocky?"
"Get away from me," Neji hissed, attempting an awkward Jyuuken pose with his surgical gown. "Or…"
He trailed off when he saw Hinata's fearful look, his heart wringing at the sight.
"Hinata-sama," he said as calmly as he could with Naruto rubbing his face up and down his leg, purring. "If he doesn't stop this soon, I'll incapacitate him."
"Honey Bunny!" Naruto sang, leaping forward and glomping Hinata before she could respond. "Save me from this crazy bastard!"
Hinata turned bright red, while Neji acquired a more frightening shade of puce.
"You retarded imbecile!" his voice bordered on a shriek. "Get away from Hinata-sama!"
Naruto let out a high-pitched scream as Neji dove for him, moving out of the way so the crazed surgeon crashed into Hinata instead.
"Oof!" Hinata went sprawling onto the ground, Neji tripping over her legs and into a decorative suit of armor. There was the crash of the armor collapsing on the Hyuuga genius, followed by Naruto's hysterical laughter.
"Neji-niisan!" Hinata cried, stumbling to her feet and towards the pile of metal burying her cousin. "Are…are you all right?"
Neji sat up, and Naruto doubled over onto the floor, laughing so hard that tears streamed down his face.
"I'll kill him," Neji growled, sounding strangely hollow from within the metal helmet.
The once proud red feather on the helmet lay crooked and broken across the slit for his eyes, the rest of the armor clanking noisily as Hinata helped him to his feet.
Neji grabbed either side of the helmet, jerking it upwards.
"Is it…stuck?" Hinata asked hesitantly, practically seeing steam rise from the holes.
He yanked on it again, his rage growing as Naruto continued to laugh like there was no tomorrow. Giving up, he grudgingly let Hinata grab the helmet and help pull.
Bending over, he braced himself as he pulled back at the same time Hinata yanked on the helmet. Somehow, Naruto ended up getting behind him and was sent flying when Neji crashed into him.
Unfortunately at the same moment, a certain Uchiha had followed the commotion and had entered the hallway just as the helmet came off.
"Oof!" Sasuke went flying back as well as Hinata crashed into him.
For a second all four of them lay on the ground, completely winded, and then…
"Hey Neji," Naruto whispered into his ear, giggling. "I didn't know you liked being on top."
Neji leapt off of him, grabbing him by his neck before delivering him a gentle fist that sent him flying through a wall. Puffing furiously, he turned around, the sight before him nearly made the twitching vein in his temple explode.
"Hinata-sama!" He rushed forward, pulling the distraught and blushing bunny off of a disgruntled and hospital gown-clad Sasuke.
"What the hell were you people doing?" Sasuke snapped, getting to his feet and glaring. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"
"Hey sexy!" Naruto called as he crawled out from the rubble. "Nice ass!"
Sasuke blanched and Neji was too late in preventing Hinata from seeing Sasuke's creamy white tush from the backless end of the hospital gown.
"Ummph!" Hinata's cry was muffled when Neji threw both gloved hands awkwardly over her face, covering her nose and one eye.
"Make yourself decent, Uchiha!" Neji snapped, glaring his patented Gaara Approved Glare.
"Some freakish hobo guy took my clothes!" Sasuke snapped back, blushing as he backed up against the wall.
"DUDE!" Naruto rushed up to him, pointing gleefully down at his own ducky boxers. "Did that hobo guy try to ass-rape you too? Hey, I'll trade you my boxers for some pocky! They feel nice, yeah?"
"What happened to him?" Sasuke asked blankly, with Naruto babbling in the background.
"Same thing that happened to you," Neji retorted, unaware of Hinata's blue face. "Apparently some person resembling a hobo is terrorizing everybody."
"Ne…ji…" Hinata wheezed.
"Can't…breathe…!" her knees buckled when Neji released, looking flustered. Sasuke scoffed as Neji knelt by his cousin's side, looking concerned as she gasped for breath.
"I'm sorry, Hinata-sama. It was to conserve your innocence. If it wasn't for this Uchiha pig"—
"WHAT did you call me, you Hyuuga rat?" Sasuke snarled, trying and failing to look threatening in his fake goatee and backless hospital gown.
"You heard me, you dog!"
"I didn't undress by choice, you Hyuuga…" he struggled for a word.
Neji rose to his feet, looking outraged beyond all reason.
"You guys do realize you're referring to each other as barnyard animals?" Naruto inputted gleefully from the side.
"Shut up!" They snapped simultaneously, making the fox-boy whimper.
"P-Please, stop fighting," Hinata pleaded, stepping between the two furious prodigies. As with most situations involving a pleading, innocent girl, the two powerhouses deflated almost immediately, turning away from each other in a huff.
Glancing at Sasuke, Hinata blushed before she unzipped her coat, holding it out to him.
"H-Here," she stammered, as he eyed the beige coat questioningly. "You can tie this around your waist."
As he was in no state to even attempt to look cool or aloof, he had no choice but to accept. Neji fumed silently in the background and Naruto laughed and pointed as Sasuke tied the coat around his waist, grateful for hiding his tush at last.
"You can k-keep the coat," Hinata mumbled, so only he could hear.
He just nodded in response, humiliation oozing from every pore.
"Hey Mr. Cheeks," Naruto sang, running up next to the stoic Uchiha. "Wanna stick with the doc and Honey Bunny and me?"
Sasuke glared at Neji, and then shuddered at the memory of nearly having his head split open.
Tenten collapsed against the kitchen counter, gasping for breath as Sakura sank to the floor, clutching a shoulder injury.
They were both covered in flour from head to toe after the hag had gotten desperate and started swinging a bag of flour at them. Fortunately, Sakura's big brain and Tenten's skills resulted in them devising a plan, which basically consisted of:
I crouch on the floor behind her, and you push her so she falls into the cauldron. Score!
"That…" Sakura wheezed, clutching her shoulder. "…was one stone-cold bitch."
"Yeah," Tenten nodded in agreement, sending up plumes of flour as she patted her buns. "And you're right…human flesh smells like glazed pork."
They both glanced at the cauldron, grimacing as the smell of cooked flesh filled the kitchen.
"Let's get the hell out of here."
They both rose shakily and headed towards the door, which like in all post fight-to-the-death circumstances, swung open easily.
They stopped dead, staring open-mouthed at the person in the doorway.
Gaara blinked at the two ghosts in front of him, cocking his head to the side as one of them coughed, sending up plumes of flour.
"Have you seen my siblings?"
They shook their heads no.
"…" he paused before turning. "What's that smell?"
"Old hag boiling," Tenten said flatly. "And couscous."
"Oh." He said blankly, then turned around and left.
On the other side of the mansion, Shikamaru had run into Chouji and Kiba, and despite it being troublesome, he explained his run-in with the chainsaw-wielding hobo and how he left Ino behind.
"Jeez, you left her alone in the shower?" Kiba groaned, smacking his hand against his forehead. "Don't you know what happens to naked girls in showers?"
"They get clean?" Chouji suggested, chomping on some expired candy canes.
"Just…shut up," Kiba said in exasperation, stopping before a closed door. "Anyway, Shikamaru, we gotta find Shino. He fell through the floor a little while back."
Kiba opened the door, blinking in surprise as Shino raised his head, covered in cobwebs and dust.
"That was fast," Kiba commented in awe.
"Kiba," Shino started, sounding remarkably nonchalant as the vampire reached up to pull the light bulb chain. "Don't pull"—
Kiba, Chouji, and Shikamaru blinked when the floor beneath Shino collapsed, and he disappeared with a monotone "oof" into the darkness.
"Um…" Kiba scratched at his hair. "Should we follow him?"
"Are you joking?" Shikamaru said, annoyed. "We might end up in a sewage dump."
"Yeah…besides, my mom would kick my ass if I got this dress shirt dirty."
Chouji sighed, shaking his head.
"It really pays to have friends like you."
"Damn Shikamaru," Ino muttered under her breath, stalking through the halls in a makeshift shower curtain outfit. "He could have at least left me some clothes."
She continued to mutter as she ascended some stairs. "Stupid Shikamaru. Because of him that sand freak got a peepshow."
Her rage grew with each step.
"Idiot Shikamaru!" she snarled, punching a hole through some old guy's portrait. "I'll break open his pineapple head!"
The hobo watched the blonde's tirade from the shadows, a sweatdrop forming on the back of his head as she tore down the portrait and started stomping on it.
"…" he stared at her, and then walked away, deciding to come back for her when she would be easier to deal with.
Ino threw the shattered portrait's remains over the banister, breathing deeply as she imagined the crashing to be Shikamaru's body through a twentieth-floor window.
Feeling slightly better, she continued on her way, punching holes through random portraits of random old farts. She stopped, however, when she heard the sounds of screams. Stiffening, she slowly turned her head in the direction of the screams, her eyes settling on a set of two double doors.
Looking side to side, she secured the shower curtain and looked around for a weapon.
Grabbing a candelabra, she yanked off the candles and eyed the long spikes coming out of the candle holders.
Holding it tightly in one hand, she slowly pushed open the door.
The screams immediately grew louder, and her eyes widened when she saw that they were coming from a projector that was playing a loop of people getting their eyebrows waxed, lasered, threaded, and plucked.
"What the hell is this?" Ino said aloud, wondering if the owner had a fetish for eyebrows.
She stopped next to the projector, eyeing it suspiciously before she smashed it with the candelabra.
Ino yelped, turning to see Rock Lee strapped down in a chair next to her, bloodshot and tear-filled eyes staring at the screen.
"Oh my God," she slapped her hands to her face, realizing how long he must have been there and the torture he was forced to endure.
Feeling extra-sympathetic, she took special care in not further harming his eyelids when she removed the contraption that held them open. He continued to stare at the blank screen with glazed eyes, even after she had untied him.
"Lee?" she said hesitantly, gently prodding his shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"Eyebrows…" he whimpered, tearing up as he slowly got to his feet. "Their…eyebrows…"
He burst into tears, and Ino couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
Lee turned towards her, gratefully falling into her comforting arms so he could sob on her shoulder.
"Eyebrows…! T-Their…eyebrows…!" he sobbed, as Ino awkwardly patted him on his bandaged back.
"There, there," she said comfortingly, at a loss for words. "You still have…your eyebrows…"
I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, she added mentally.
"Ino-san," he whimpered, sniffing. "Why are you…wearing a shower curtain?"
Her eyes glinted, hardening into steely blue orbs.
"Don't worry about it," Ino cooed, putting an arm around his shoulders as she guided him back into the hallway. "You'll find out when we see Shikamaru."
The hobo was, to say the least, quite pissed off when he saw that all those he'd captured had somehow escaped.
Sighing, he flopped down on a leather loveseat and eyed what lay on his tabletop. A leer overtook his features as he reached for one of the dolls, fingering the crude twitching.
Well, he needed a break, and he felt like messing with their heads.
Grinning, he held up the black-haired and white-eyed doll, and flicked it in the shoulder.
"Ouch," Neji muttered, rubbing his shoulder as they walked into a den.
Hinata turned to give her cousin a concerned look, reaching up to touch his shoulder.
"Are you all right Neji-niisan?" she asked, unaware of the fact that Neji's heart had oozed into a blob of happiness in the pit of his stomach.
"Yes, Hinata-sama," he said reassuringly. "Don't worry."
"Eheheh…" Naruto leered at Neji. "Look at the surgeon! He's turning all pink like strawberry pocky!"
"Enough with the pocky, dobe," Sasuke said, punching the bouncing fox-boy on the shoulder. "And go put on a pillow-case. I can't stand the sight of those hideous boxers."
"Hey man," Naruto said seriously, getting up in Sasuke's face. "If you got a problem with the duckies, you got a problem with me."
"I've always had a problem with you," Sasuke retorted, shoving him away. "Because you're a jackass."
"It hurts when you say that, Mr. Cheeks," Naruto sniffed.
"Stop calling me that!"
"Okay…Mr. Horny Devil."
Sasuke grabbed the nearest object, which just happened to be an Encyclopedia Britannica, and bashed it over Naruto's head.
"Oww! You're an even bigger bastard than the surgeon!"
"Would you two stop it?" Neji said irritably, rubbing his shoulder, only to double over a second later, yelping.
"Neji-niisan! What's wrong?" Hinata cried when Neji fell to the floor, clutching his sides. At first Sasuke, Hinata, and Naruto thought he was screaming in agony, but the high-pitched giggling and sobbing in between screams suggested otherwise.
"Ha ha ha! Ha ha—stop…! Stop whoever's…ha ha ha! Stop tickling—hahahaha!" Neji had tears in his eyes as he rolled around on the floor, laughing and sobbing at the same time.
Then as soon as it came, it stopped, leaving the Hyuuga genius panting in an undignified heap on the ground.
Naruto was pointing and laughing again, whereas Hinata and Sasuke both looked disturbed and paranoid.
"Hinata-sama," Neji rasped from the floor, sitting up. "Someone's…attacking us…from a different…location."
Sasuke stiffened suddenly, and Hinata and Neji both raised their wide eyes, waiting for him to fall over and make an ass out of himself.
But Sasuke just smirked.
"I'm not ticklish."
As soon as he said that, however, his legs moved and he walked right into the wall.
"Ouch," he muttered, rubbing his nose after falling to the floor.
Naruto yelped, and they all glanced at the floor to see him attempting to swim on the carpet. Then he suddenly shot to his feet, and started doing the Charleston.
"Dude," Naruto said, staring at them wide-eyed. "There's some weird voodoo shit going on here!"
And with that he stopped, tripping over his feet and falling over one of the sofas in the den.
Hinata squeaked suddenly when her arms shot out by her sides and she started doing jumping jacks, which eventually changed to lunges.
"N-Neji! Help!" She cried when she suddenly took a running leap, diving through the air and towards a coffee table.
Neji however, had suddenly gone stiff and started doing the Robot, arms moving to and fro in rigid movements as his head tilted at weird angles.
"I got ya Honey Bunny!" Naruto shouted, running forward with his arms outstretched. He slipped on the rug and crashed through the coffee table instead, only to have Hinata land safely on his back a moment later.
"You sick bastard!" Sasuke shouted at the ceiling as he started doing the stayin' alive dance from Saturday Night Live. "Stop it!"
Neji helped Hinata off of Naruto's back, who had gone cross-eyed and had his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.
Sasuke stopped, and for a moment nothing happened to either of them. Then suddenly Neji turned towards Sasuke in a jerky fashion, which Sasuke mimicked a second later.
Their eyes widened in horror when their arms rose from their sides, outstretched towards each other.
"NOO!" They yelled simultaneously, throwing themselves into each other's arms. "This is wrong!"
"That's sweet," Naruto sighed after getting up off the floor and putting an arm around Hinata's shoulder. "Say Honey Bunny, wanna give me some pocky love?"
"Neji," Sasuke said through gritted teeth, head lying against the Hyuuga's shoulder. "If we get out of this…"
"We'll never mention it again," Neji finished for him, solemnly promising himself to Gentle Fist the hobo into another dimension.
There was a moment of awkward silence, and then suddenly the two prodigies moved and staggered away from each other, shuddering in disgust.
There was another moment of awkward silence, until Sasuke finally spoke.
"…you use Irish Spring?"