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Neon Gets a Lemon, and What a Lemon it Is!
Is it just me, or does anyone else think Joker's an amazingly great, completely underrated character? He's like an older version of Koganei ("older", not "grown-up") and even though he can be friendly, he still has this edge to him... yet even when he's told to "kill Koganei" he only damages Saicho. What a nice guy! He's laid-back, but he certainly has a brain, and he uses it... he's got an attitude, but is so relaxed that you can't really complain. Plus, I happen to like how he looks in regular clothes (in the manga), and he has a cute accent (in the anime). He's just the all-around greatest character, and FoR wouldn't be any good without him!
Joker sat back from the computer, admiring his handiwork. With a self-satisfied smirk, he signed off, "Bottou-chan", and clicked on the "send" button.
"You're not waxing eloquent tonight, are you?" asked Raiha, peering over Joker's shoulder. "You can usually go on for several paragraphs, talking about yourself."
Joker jumped nervously. "Oi, oi!" he said, glancing behind at his friend, then turning back to the computer. When did Raiha come into his room? Sneaky ninja, he thought, recovering from the initial shock. "Well, someone has to herald my charms to the world... and since the baka anime only gave me a handful of lines at the last possible moment, I've got to get down to the grass-roots level and tell everyone how wonderful I am!" He beamed at the computer, still deep in thought. "Fanfic. I need a fanfic. Everyone else has a fanfic."
"You gave yourself at least three fanfics," pointed out Raiha. "Calling Tatsuko and Calling Umi.... don't you remember those? And you're busily inserting yourself into the Kurei Fanclub's fic every chance you get."
"Ah, yes, but the first two were so long ago!" protested Joker, his fingers sliding over the keyboard, yet not typing anything. "And besides, I only posted my Tatsuko fic in full. And the KFC's fic, I'm not the focal point. I just get the occasional line or two. I need something that will show me as a strong, capable guy! I need a forum where I can shine! I need something where I can display my dazzling charm, my rapier wit, my full range of masterful capabilities." Joker rocked back in his chair, propping his feet upon his desktop.
"Your dazzling charm, h'm?" laughed Raiha. "Joker-san, I assure you, for every fangirl you have daydreaming about you in Math class, I've got ten. And even then, all mine are real... I have no need to run around calling myself Butto-chan."
"Bottou-chan!" corrected Joker sharply, his pleasant mood suddenly vanishing, replaced by an ominous cloud of tension which surged throughout the room.
"Gomen nasai," replied Raiha simply, smiling earnestly at his friend. "You seem to be having writer's block... why don't I help?"
Joker considered for a moment, then allowed the cloud of tension to dissolve. "Sounds like a plan," he agreed, his cheerful demeanour back up and functioning once more. "Say, how about a love story?"
"You say love story, but you're thinking lemon, aren't you?" accused Raiha, raising one eyebrow suggestively.
Joker's fangs suddenly appeared. "Why not?" he asked cheerily. "Not yaoi," he added, hurriedly. "No offense, Raiha-han, but neither you nor Kurei-han are exactly my type."
Raiha shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say?" he asked. "I'm devastated." He stifled a fake sob. "How about Menou?"
Joker considered. "Nahhh," he shook his head. "I've got at least four or five years on that girl. I'd get thrown into jail for statutory."
"H'mm... then the number of of-age females is pretty limited," Raiha commented, glancing around Joker's room for inspiration. "Kage Houshi?"
"She's cute, but way too old for me," laughed Joker. "And Recca-han would come storming after me."
"Fuuko-chan? Nahh... we have nothing in common, and she's as young as Menou," Joker thought aloud. "Perhaps I could get something going with Rui or Nadare?"
"Yeah, right," replied the purple-haired ninja, playfully throwing a teddy bear at his friend's head. "In whose lifetime?"
Joker easily caught the teddy bear. "Oi, be nice to Kumi-han!" he said, referring to the bear which had been so cavalierly sent flying through the air.
"Cute bear. Well... how about one of the refs? You've got twelve to choose from."
"Why choose? I could have all twelve! It's my fic!" Joker's face lit up. "Now, it's going to be as confusing as heck trying to figure out what to do with them all. And I'd probably have to leave Inoko-chan behind, too, so that just makes eleven..."
"On second thought, no," said Raiha. "How can you possibly preserve your front if you write that kind of a fic? I mean, isn't Bottou-chan supposed to be a relatively pleasant girl who spouts off information about alternative uses for Hershey's syrup, whipped cream, Altoids, and wine, only when asked? Not some 11-girls-and-one-guy lemon-writing wacko. People would get suspicious she was some loney, ecchi guy."
"True," agreed Joker, looking crestfallen. His eyebrow twitched. "Heyyyy.... how do you know what kind of girl Bottou-chan's supposed to be?" he demanded suspiciously.
"Ummm... how about trying a fic with Kurenai-sama? Perhaps while she was still alive... before she fell in love with Kurei-sama?" Raiha hurriedly suggested, studiously avoiding the other's penetrating gaze.
"You're lurking on the ML, too!" crowed Joker triumphantly. He tossed the fluffy Kumi-han at Raiha, and striking him neatly in the side of the head with it. "I'll figure out who you are... just you wait. I'm not exactly computer-illiterate, you know. I can trace you." His eyes flashed mischeviously, but he dragged himself away from this enticing new tangent, to refocus on the dilemma at hand. "Kurei-han, if he ever read the thing, would fry me alive," was his final decision. "You know, and I know, that Kurei-han was her first and only love... but if we write anything contrary to that, he'll find out. Somehow."
"Since when have you been afraid of retribution?" Raiha inquired sweetly. "You're not exactly the world's best team player."
Joker rewarded him with a sour look. "You're supposed to be helping me. Unless you want me to write a fic about your untimely demise. And if you try to write a fic to get back at me, your identity will be cracked!"
Raiha tumbled onto his back, holding Kumi-han the teddy bear at arm's length above him. "It looks like Neon-sama is available," he suggested slowly. "But if she finds out... you'll be in big trouble, too."
"Sounds like a plan! Now, I guess I'll have to write something that's at least borderline legit," agreed Joker. "Now, what kind of circumstances would throw us together into a frenzy of lemony passion?" He smirked at the screen.
Raiha, still studying Kumi-han, thought for a moment. "How about flying on a mission together for Mori-sama? Your plane wrecks, and you're stranded on an island."
"How about she's still the maid around here, and she comes in to give me a wake-up call, and she's overcome with admiration of my manly charms?" suggested Joker.
Raiha snickered. "Yeah, that combined with your little green 'jammies and your teddy bear." He ducked to avoid an eraser being thrown at him, and it bounced harmlessly off the bed to the floor. "How about she just has a really bad day, and you comfort her?"
Joker cocked his head to one side. "Neon-han having a nervous breakdown because of a bad day? In whose world?"
"It's not like they know Neon-sama like we do," answered Raiha objectively. "It's just a premise for a fic. And it's not nearly as corny as writing something like, she stood in the doorway, a slight gasp of admiration caught in her throat as she silently admired the sleeping form of Joker. Such a pinnacle of manly beauty! How relaxed he was in sleep, yet in waking, he was like a lithe panther, ever ready to pounce---"
His story was cut short by a heavy binder being lobbed at his head.
"How much are you going to throw at me?" demanded Raiha, but there was laughter in his eyes. "I'm only trying to set the mood."
"Set the mood, huh!" answered Joker. He poised his hands over the keyboard, then began to write.
"Cheeeeee-syyyyyy," objected Raiha, tossing Kumi-han from one hand to another.
"Most lemons are," said Joker. "Say, I wonder why they're called lemons, and not cheeses."
"Because they leave such a sour taste in your mouth?" suggested Raiha. "Try it again.... I like the maid idea. Servants have been historically taken advantage of by those they work for, so that's plausible."
"And to keep me from looking like a bum, she ought to be the one to make the move," suggested Joker.
Raiha nodded in agreement. "Right. Say, how about you come back from doing a job for Mori-sama, and she gives you a backrub?"
"There's an idea," said Joker, grinning his fanged grin once more. His eyes lit up and he began to write:
"You're two words into it, and you're already overdoing things," said Raiha sternly, and Joker meekly complied with the constructive criticism.
"Illustrious Kurei?" Raiha asked dubiously. "Since when have you and Kurei-sama had such a relationship?"
"It's fiction, ne?" inquired Joker. "Besides, it might get me brownie points if he ever happens to read it. And in my kind of situation, you need all the brownie points you can get." He continued.
"Neon," said Kurei, summoning the beautiful, busty, red-haired woman into his presence. She and her sisters had been taken into the mansion, to serve as maids.
"Hai, Kurei-sama," she answered, ever-loyal. She kept her eyes submissively downcast as she awaited his orders.
"Joker is in need of a good backrub. See to it that his tension is relieved," Kurei said, issuing his command in his usual emotionless voice.
"Hai," answered Neon, nodding. "Please, Joker-sama, get ready, and I shall see you on the third floor."
Raiha broke out laughing. "Joker is in need of a good backrub! See to it that his tension is relieved!" he chortled through gasps of laughter. "Oh, I cannot be-LIEVE you wrote that!"
"Won't Neon be mad, though!" snickered Joker. "Ah, well, what she doesn't know won't hurt her!"
"I spelled that right, didn't I?" he asked, glancing over at Raiha. Raiha stood up and glanced over the screen.
"Mmmhmmm," he nodded. "You said what you wanted to say." He fell back onto the bed, and made Kumi-han's legs dance.
"I'm sure it was no trouble for such a strong fighter as yourself," Neon said, her voice tinged with admiration, as she rubbed some massage oil between her palms to warm it.
"Even so, it took some effort," said Joker. He found himself relaxing under the expert touch of her hands as she rubbed away the tension from his shoulder muscles. "What a nice touch you have!" he remarked, contentedly, reveling in the backrub.
"Oh?" inquired Neon, smiling. She dragged her strong fingers delicately down his spine, rubbing the oil into the small of his back. "Your musculature is very nicely defined."
Raiha was lost in a fit of giggles again. "Oooo, Joker-sama!" he said in a high-pitched voice. "Your musculature is very nicely defined!"
Joker looked around for something else to throw, but decided against it. "Making fun of my writing, huh?" he huffed, good-naturedly. "Well, then, O great author, why don't you write the next part!"
"We'll see if I can get this going, with more lemons and less cheese," said Raiha as the two exchanged seats.
"Oi, be nice!" said Joker. He made Kumi-han stalk across the floor to the legs of Raiha's chair. "Be nice, or else my teddy bear will teach you a lesson!"
"Just seeing if you were paying attention," grinned Raiha, and erased the last passage.
"Not bad," admitted Joker grudgingly. "Go on..."
"Here's where we get to the difficult part," explained Raiha. "We have to make the turn from 'regular fic' into 'lemon', and bypass the 'cheese'. We have to make it believable."
"Be my guest," offered Joker, watching the screen expectantly.
Joker's breathing was still calm and even, heightening her courage. Neon's face softened, watching the sleeping figure... perhaps... perhaps... She leaned over and kissed him gently on the shoulder, nipping him lightly with her teeth as she did so.
Joker stirred sleepily, raising his head. "H'mm?" he asked sleepily, looking up at her. His face was so close to hers... Neon couldn't resist. She cupped his chin with one hand, sliding the other around behind his head, and gave him a deep kiss.
"Why'd you stop?" demanded Joker plainatively. "It's just getting good."
Raiha had the decency to blush. "I... er... I think you should write the next part," he said hesitantly.
"You're afraid to go into the graphic nitty-gritty details, is that so?" mocked Joker cheerily. "Admit it! Or perhaps... perhaps... you just don't know what a deep kiss is like so you can't describe one?"
Raiha was beginning to feel irritated, and he inwardly scolded himself for allowing Joker to crack his calm exterior. "It's not that," he said. "I just don't like the idea of writing such things about Neon-sama..."
"It's not really Neon-sama, it's just her in a story," explained Joker. "And it's not even written under my name, so as soon as we send it out, the sooner we can innocently whistle and say, 'Oh, my! Who is this Bottou-chan who would dare write such things about our beloved own?"
"Err... I'd still prefer it if you wrote the next part. I'll pick it up later," he added.
"Suit yourself," shrugged Joker, and they exchanged seats once more. He stared off at a corner of the ceiling, then began plugging away at the keyboard.
"You're not paying attention," said Joker accusingly. "Admit it. You're embarrassed."
"It's just... weird," apologized Raiha, who had been staring at a "Magic Eye" poster tacked to one wall.
"Not into voyeurism, hm?" grinned his friend. "Well, you promised you'd help, so you have to stick with it. Otherwise, I might turn into a yaoi writer and send you drooling after Kurei-han..."
Raiha paled. "Please don't," he said, his voice tinged with distress. "I know I look feminine, but it doesn't mean I want that kind of a relationship with men."
The two stared at each other. "Have I ever told you," Joker remarked solemnly, "You're almost as good at disguising your edge as I am?"
Raiha smiled. "It's where the femininity comes in handy." He playfully tossed his hair behind his shoulder. "Now, hurry up and finish your fic. The longer it stays on the computer, the more likely you are to get caught."
But Neon only smiled down at him. "I always know exactly what I want," she murmured in a sultry voice, raking her nails lightly against Joker's chest. He caught her wrist and kissed it, then bit it softly. She gently freed it from his grasp. "I want you to look at me," she said, tilting his chin upwards and resuming their intense gaze. Neon reached for the first button of her demure brown dress, undoing it with nimble fingers. Then the second, then the third... soon, her dress was lying pooled around her feet. She was wearing nothing underneath.
"Neon-han... you're beautiful," murmured Joker, rising from the table and clasping her tightly against him. The towel which had covered him so demurely before fell unheeded to the floor as -----
"Her dress was lying pooled around her feet?" inquired an incredulous voice.
Raiha and Joker jumped guiltily.
"Oi! Neon-han! When did you develop ninja skills?" asked Joker, trying ineffectually to minimize the screen. But it was too late.
"Hentai!" she exclaimed, scooping up the heavy binder which was lying ignored on the bed. She swung it at Joker's head and he dodged back in alarm. Mere centimeters lay between him an a good-sized knot on the head tomorrow morning. "Have you nothing BETTER to do than write such trash about me?"
Raiha tried to look innocent, as though he had been in the room, yet too busy playing with Kumi-han to notice what was transpiring on the screen. Neon wasn't fooled for a minute.
She dropped her voice to a deadly whisper. "You two are going to pay, and you will pay big," she assured them in a soft, freezing voice. Neon turned on her heel and stalked out.
Joker and Raiha gazed at each other.
"Did that sound like a sultry murmur to you?" Joker asked, eyes wide.
Raiha nodded solemnly. "Very sultry," he agreed.
The two turned back to their fic.