Aztec Goddess: Last chapter! I'm happy, yet sad . . . and now confused.
How's prison life like in Central? Quite pleasant, actually. Lust, Sloth, Pride, Russell, and Fletcher were enjoying their days in cozy little cells and three square meals a day. That's a big improvement considering that they've been living in cramp apartments and sometimes too poor to eat every day.
Plus, each prisoner's cell is simply gorgeous. They have each been designed exclusively for each prisoner's personal interests. Lust's cell was filled with only the best works of art she can destroy with her nails. Sloth had a small swimming pool in her cell. The main thing in Pride's cell was a huge plasma TV where he could watch his huge collection of romantic movies. Russell had a huge poster of a female Envy . . . that he throws darts at. Needless to say, he's completely over Envy. And Fletcher's room was filled with plants, of course.
The judge was right; the prison isn't so bad and the personnel are so nice. Due to all this, Russell and Fletcher have made it their goal to live in this wonderful place the rest of their lives.
Things have been going great for the homunculi as well. They have completely forgotten why they didn't want to be imprisoned in the first place. Then Dante paid them a visit on graduation day. First, she woke up Lust and Sloth, their cells being right next to each other. "Get up, you lazy homunculi! I'm bailing you all out!"
Sloth lazily sat up from her fluffy, king sized bed. She rubbed her eyes, stretched a little, and yawned. Then she started running her fingers through her hair to get out what little tangles she has.
"Could you be any slower, Sloth?" Dante spat.
"Oh, hi Dante," Sloth yawned again. " . . . Wait, Dante? What are you doing here?"
Lust took a while to get out of bed, too. But she was already at the front of her cell, angrily grasping the bars. "Leave us alone, Dante! We don't want to be bailed out!"
"You can't be serious," Dante replied. She glanced around the cells near her. "Hm, I could have sworn that some militarist should be here."
"You want to bail us out?" Sloth asked dramatically. "But why? You really hate to see us happy, don't you? Life in this prison is the best gift anyone could ever get! We don't even have to pay for anything!"
"As you can see, we're being serious," Lust began to answer Dante's questions. "And all the militarists that were ever sentenced here have bailed themselves out one they started missing their family or remembered that they left the kitchen stove on. Stuff like that."
Pride was trying to watch one of his movies in a cell nearby, but Dante and the other homunculi were distracting him. "It's nine a.m.!" He called out. "When did you guys decide to wake up at this time of day?"
"Sorry!" Sloth and Lust immediately replied. Then Lust started whispering to Dante. "Rudeness is not allowed here. So, please leave us in peace."
Dante shook her head. "Every single one of you homunculi have led me to believe that the principal has the philosopher's stone. Therefore, I would like you all to be present at the graduation ceremony."
"Oh, that's right. Graduation's today," Sloth mused. Then she asked Dante, "So shouldn't you be there right now?"
"I'm only a substitute teacher, and not even a real one," Dante answered. "I hate people and I have no experience in teaching. That's exactly what I told the staff, and they let me right in. Sad, huh?"
At Kelly High . . .
Ed, along with all the other seniors graduating, was waiting patiently in the auditorium for a teacher that's going to explain to them what's going to happen today. Ed had his fingers crossed in hopes to see George Lopez himself enter the auditorium any minute now. He didn't want to believe in the possibility that George could be dead.
"Did you hear who died?" one student whispered to another. Ed couldn't help but try to hear the entire conversation. Maybe this will clear things up for him.
However, there was too much whispering going on to fully understand anything. "Huh? Who died?" "My ass hurts." "Where's that teacher we're all waiting for?" "Kidney failure?" "I named my goldfish Samanosuke." "Oh, no! I'm really gonna miss him!" "No wonder he's been gone for a long time." "Finally, after ten years, I'm graduating!" "We should get like a piece of paper that said we graduated." "Aw, and he was a really funny guy!" "Lemme write pen 15 on your arm." "Um, that looks like –"
Silence commenced as the doors of the auditorium swung open. It was the long-forgotten secretary, Mrs. Moon-Shoulders. "Sorry for the long wait!" she apologized to the seniors. "We just needed to confirm some stuff. But now the busses are ready to take you all to your destination!"
Most of the seniors started yelling stuff that couldn't be understood altogether. "Yes, I'm sure you all have some questions on what has recently happened and what will soon happen," she said, then everyone else went back to being quiet. "Don't worry. EVERYTHING will become clear in a matter of moments. So we must hurry to the busses in an orderly fashion to where the graduation ceremony will take place. There are more than enough graduation gowns for all of you in the busses."
The secretary exited the auditorium, and the seniors followed. Ed made sure to be one of the first out of the room so he could speak to the secretary. "Secretary lady!" he called out as he caught up to her. "Who died? I need to know!"
"Isn't it obvious?" That's all Moon-Shoulders said.
Meanwhile, in George Lopez's mansion in Central . . .
A bunch of maids were cleaning up the mansion in preparation for a certain commemoration. Ana Serrano sat on the living room couch dressed in black and she looked distressed.
"Oh, my God, oh, my God," she muttered as she ripped a tissue in her hands to shreds. "I can't believe this is happening . . ."
One of the maids momentarily stopped her cleaning to try to comfort Ana. She sat herself on the same couch and said, "Please, do not worry, Master Ana. I imagine this must be awfully hard for you, but maybe one day you'll look back at this and . . . laugh?"
"Laugh?" Ana spat. "What's there to laugh about? Get back to cleaning!" Then she went back to muttering stuff. "Damn . . . Damn you, George . . . What were you thinking?"
That's when a certain someone slid down the handrail on the stairway. He was dressed in a nice tux and started doing a little dance in the living room. Then he noticed Ana's angry glare, so he stopped. "Um . . . good morning?"
"George Lopez!" Ana yelled at man who had just finished dancing. "What gave you the idea that the graduation ceremony should be held in our backyard? You know I don't like having hundreds of strangers running around in any of the places I live in!"
George scratched his head. "Sorry. I thought it'd be only fair since I didn't try very hard when it came to dances. I mean, Kelly High didn't even have a prom this year!"
Ana crossed her arms. "Well, that's what you get for not even showing up at work half the time! When do plan to come back to California, and stay longer than a couple of weeks?"
"Oh, so that's why you're really mad," George mused. "How 'bout this: after graduation, I promise that we'll leave Central and never come back, okay?"
"Why can't we leave now?"
"'Cause I've got some, um, explaining to do about Paco and our worlds getting all messed up and . . . wow, we should leave now!" Then the doorbell rang. "Oh, wait. I've already made too many plans today."
George opened the door and several governmental people, each with a suitcase, entered the room. He acted and spoke very different around them. "Good morning, sirs and madams. Please, make yourselves at home," he said to them. "I understand that you fine people are here to speak to this year's graduates about the nature of The No Stoopid Peoples Act."
Ana had a hand over her mouth to conceal her smile. It was always amusing to her to see her husband act like an intellectual. She motioned to the other couches in the living room with her other hand. The newcomers took their places on the couches.
"You are correct, Mister Lopez," one of them said. He opened up his brief case and pulled out a stack of papers. "Due to all the strange happenings here, everyone failed to realize something critically important about that law . . ."
George was paying no attention at all to what those people were saying. He already knew what they were at his house for and he didn't like getting bored by big, fancy words. When the people were done talking, George said, "Fantastic. You wonderful people can wait upstairs until it is time to make your important announcement. I can assure that this news will spread all throughout Central by the end of the day."
The people said thank you and made their way upstairs. George took off his tie, unbuttoned half of his shirt, and sighed of relief. "Damn, I throw up a little whenever I talk like that." His wife giggled. "Oh, well. Time to gather up as much of Central as possible in our backyard!"
George and Ana walked out to their back yard. Some maids were still doing a little cleaning, but overall, the stadium that was build in their backyard was perfect. It was as big as their mansion and a good amount of Central's population was already gathered in it. "You should go entertain the guests already here," Ana told her husband. "I'll go wait up front for the graduates."
George nodded in agreement. He walked to the middle of the stadium and began a little comic skit. Ana went to the front yard and was amazed to see so many cars parking around the house and all throughout the block. But it bothered her to see complete strangers use her driveway. She decided to shrug it off and in no time at all, the busses came.
In the audience of the stadium . . .
Al had taken a day off from his highly successful career as a shoe salesman to see his brother's graduation. He came with Envy, Wrath, and the Hughes family. Al wasn't able to pay attention to George Lopez because he found a certain part of this situation too odd for him.
"Envy, you're . . . you're wearing a tux!" Al stammered for like the hundredth time.
" . . . And so is Wrath," Envy replied. "Jeez, is this too unbelievable?" Both Wrath and Al nodded. "So do I look better or worse?" Wrath and Al didn't know how to answer that question since Envy could take either answer the wrong way. He looked different, that's all. And that's why Envy didn't get an answer.
Not far from that trio sat Dante, the other homunculi, and a couple of Greed's girlfriends. Lust, Sloth, and Pride wouldn't stop whining about how much they miss prison and how much they hate Dante. Greed had no problem ignoring them, being smothered (in a good way) by his girlfriends and all. Gluttony was just happy to see Lust again. And he was also eating his seat.
George was finishing up his skit. " . . . And that's how my family's like. I used to put my sippy cup in a brown paper bag 'cause I thought that's just how you drink!"
"Pay attention, everyone," Dante demanded. "The ceremony is starting." But the homunculi weren't inspired to listen to her.
On the other side of the stadium sat Winry and all of the former State Military minus Ed and Roy since he still wasn't done with his community service. They were all practically forced to show up by friends or family. None of them really wanted to see just one of their own graduating. It's really embarrassing.
"This is sickening," Hawkeye said to Ross, whom nodded in agreement. "I lost my job all because I got mysteriously drunk in Homecoming."
"And I never did anything wrong!" Ross replied.
"None of us did!" Fury whined.
" . . . Well, except for those who didn't even try to go to high school!" Breda glared accusingly at Farman.
"What? I'm too old!" Farman defended himself. "I'd be made fun of . . ."
"Stop this! We should be happy for Ed!" Armstrong declared.
"Ed? Where?" Havoc shrieked as he jumped onto Winry's lap.
"Everyone, shut up!" Winry yelled as she petted Havoc. Then she pointed down to where all the graduates are. "Oh, look. It's Ed's turn to get his diploma." Havoc whimpered a little at the mention of that name again. Winry calmed him down by whispering soothing words to him she heard from Oprah.
"Edward Elric," the teacher that has been announcing names all this time said. Ed got up from his seat and gradually made his way to the pedestal George was standing on. Those damned graduation gowns were made for people of a certain height! Poor Ed almost tripped on several occasions. He would have been pissed, but he was happy to see George Lopez alive.
"So you remember the promise you made?" Ed asked George as he shook his hand. He was expecting the philosopher's stone right away.
"Oh. About that . . . you'll get it soon," George replied as he handed Ed his diploma, along with a smaller folded piece of paper.
When Ed went back to his seat, he stared confusedly at the small piece of paper. Then he secretly unfolded it and began to read its contents: While I was on vacation, I did some research on the "philosopher's stone." Turns out Paco ain't what you're looking for. He's just as cool though – he's a plot hole! "What the fuck?" Ed muttered to himself. But Paco can only move around stuff. That's how I brought some countries from where I'm from over here! And I first thought that Paco fixed my kidney, but he actually switched it with one of the Theater teacher's.
Ed cursed under his breathe. "Shit, I can't use a plot hole to fix myself and Al! That'll only give other people our problems . . . Hey, so Hoganson was the one who died?" Ed shrugged all this off and waited patiently for the ceremony to end, until he realized something: Holy crap! What am I gonna tell the homunculi? And Dante?
When the last graduate got his diploma, George announced, "Well, since practically all of Central is here, I've got some people that want to make a really important announcement to you all! Hold tight!" George rushed out of the stadium and back inside his house. He gave the first maid he saw a piece of paper and told her, "Tell the people waiting upstairs it's their turn to talk. And they also need to announce what's on this paper." Then George rushed to the front yard where his wife was breaking the windows of the cars in the driveway with a bat.
Ana immediately hid the bat behind her back and swore, "Um, that freakin' cat from across the street did this!"
"No need to come up with bullshit, honey!" George told his wife. "We're leaving this place right now anyway!"
Ana stared at her husband, all starry eyed as she threw her bat aside, breaking yet another window. "Really? But I don't hear any angry mobs. You haven't told the people of Central the truth yet!"
"I'm pretty sure we don't wanna be here when they learn the truth." George reached into his back pocket and pulled out what looked like a small, black, circular piece of paper. It's Paco the plot hole!
Ana groaned. "I really hate this ride, though."
"Aw, you know it's fun!" George squealed as he placed Paco on the floor and it turned into a much bigger hole. That was their ride back to California. After George and Ana jumped into Paco, neither one of them were ever seen again in Central.
Back at the stadium . . .
The aforementioned governmental people stood in the middle of the stadium behind the graduates and in front of several microphones. One of them read from George's piece of paper: "To start things off, George Lopez had a little announcement he wanted to make. He is truly sorry for causing so much confusion in this world and in his own. Therefore, anything belonging to his world will soon disappear from this world."
The audience didn't seem too happy. They started whining about how they'll miss vacationing in the new foreign countries, eating churros, watching TV, and so on.
Another governmental person began to speak. "This is all for our best interests. Many of the foreign objects such as television and lava lamps have made a great number of us utterly stupid." The audience reluctantly agreed on that.
Then the most important-looking governmental person began to speak. "Furthermore, I presume that everyone here remembers The No Stoopid Peoples Act?" Everyone complied by booing and cussing a lot. "Yes, I understand that most of us were angered by that. However, upon further investigation, we discovered its folly, so that law has been repealed for several days now." The audience became confused by his choice of word.
Another governmental person took a stand to clear things up. He sounded really nervous, but mostly scared. "You see, um, it turns out my four-year-old son somehow got into my paperwork and thought it'd be funny to play a little joke on me . . . What I'm trying to say is: there has never been a No Stoopid Peoples Act."
First, there was utter silence. Dante and the homunculi only looked a little displeased because they would have liked to see the military get kicked out of the country. Al, along with several other working people, was actually relieved. Ed and Hughes' family weren't really affected by this. However, the other members of the military could only exchange bewildered looks. Bewilderment turned to anger, then anger turned to homicidal.
Riza Hawkeye stood up from her seat and screeched, "WE DID NOT JUST MISS NINE MONTHS OF WORK FOR NO FUCKIN' REASON!"
Another governmental person calmly replied, "Central should be angry at you militarist for not functioning properly for nearly a year."
That was too much for Hawkeye and the others to handle. The militarists came storming down the stadium's stairs with loaded guns, explosives, rocks, torches, and even pitch forks. They chased the governmental people out of the stadium, leaving behind a trail of wreck and carnage. Nearly all of Central's civilians took the military's example and joined in on the witch hunt.
Ed was caught in the middle of this chaos and he was only sure of one thing: he really hates graduation gowns. So Ed ripped out of the gown and shoved his way through the crowd to where he saw his brother sitting at.
"Al! You alright?" Ed asked when he found his brother sitting calmly in his seat. He, Envy and Wrath were chatting with the Hughes family about how long they think it'll take before the governmental people get killed.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be alright?" Al asked.
"Hi, Ed!" Hughes waved at Ed. "Congratulations on getting your diploma! Now you're gonna get paid more than Roy! Isn't that great?"
"We're very proud of you, Ed!" Gracia said as Elysia and Wrath gave Ed a hug. "I'm gonna bake you a cake!"
Ed scratched his head. "Um, thanks but . . . I'm confused. What's going on?"
"It doesn't matter what just happened or who's going to kill who," Al said, sounding all philosophical.
"Yeah, what matters is that everything's turning out alright for us!" Envy added.
Ed almost didn't recognize Envy in a tux. "Whoa, you look . . . um, different?"
"Aw, thanks, nene!" Envy replied. Wrath and Al looked at each other for a while, then shrugged.
When the rabid crowd died down and all the fighting was taking place outside the stadium, the person they least wanted to hear from showed up next to them and said, "See, Envy? You look lovely in proper clothing." It was Dante.
"Shut up, you old hag!" Envy spat. Then he noticed that all the other homunculi were behind her and they looked terrified.
"Do you really want to anger me?" Dante tested Envy. "Now tell me: has Edward obtained the philosopher's stone?"
Everyone turned to look at Ed. "Uh . . ." Ed began. "First of all, how badly do you all want the philosopher's stone?"
"Very badly," Dante replied. The homunculi nodded vigorously in agreement.
"That's the thing we've been searching for all this time!" Al replied.
"Hey, we'd like to see it, too!" the Hughes family added.
"Okay . . ." Ed said. "That means that there's gonna be a problem."
Dante opened her mouth to reply, but Lust closed it back for her. "Oh, no there isn't!" Lust said. Sloth and Pride helped Lust restrain the kicking and scratching Dante. "Sloth, Pride and I have decided that we will be going back to living happily in prison and we're taking Dante with us so she will never bitch at another soul again."
"You can't do this to me!" Dante said in a muffled voice.
"Sure we can because we have some beads left over," Sloth explained. She put one of the necklaces around Dante's neck and handed some to Lust and Pride.
"I wanna go where Lust goes!" Gluttony declared as he took a necklace for himself. Then he, Lust, Sloth, and Pride dragged Dante out of the stadium to go look for some cops.
Greed was confused. "Okay . . . I guess it's safe to start looking for my girlfriends now." And so he left the stadium, too.
Envy and Wrath watched Dante being towed away as if it were the best ending of the best movie ever. "Hey, this means we don't have to worry about Dante anymore!" Envy cheered.
"Yay!" Wrath cheered. He jumped onto Envy and got twirled around a couple of times.
"Hey, let's throw a party for having such a good day!" Hughes declared.
Ed knew that his theater teacher had died today; he discovered that going to high school was never required to keep his job, he didn't get the philosopher's stone, and there's a small civil war going on outside the stadium. But other than all that, it has been a good day! He felt like agreeing with Envy: what matters is that everything's turning out alright for us! So they did throw a party at Hughes house.
Aztec Goddess: Central went back to being orderly when the governmental people died, two hours into the civil war. The military learned to forget the nine months they weren't working. Ed had a great time with his family (Al, Envy and Wrath) at Hughes' house and it looks like his future will be filled with many more happy memories. Greed continues his pimptastic ways. As for Dante, it didn't take long for her to realize that the other homunculi were right: Life in this prison is the best gift anyone could ever get! Hope this story has proven to be a funny, educational experience! XD Hasta luego, 'til I come up with another fic!
To Nayru: I updated as soon as possible. Man, it's so hard to write endings 'cause it's like . . . the ending! Well, I tried my best. Hope you liked it!
To Lil-Kudo: Brace yourself 'cause you'll probably be forced to read some of Shakespeare's books in high school. Anyway, I would never let George Lopez die! He's my hero!
To Spearette: I always give Ed a break in the very end. After all, the poor nene has gone through enough shit in this story.
To Everto Angelus: Yeah, I know Quagmire 'cause I love Family Guy! But I think the new season doesn't beat all the others.
To Elixane: George Lopez is most popular in California, so I guess that's why you've never heard of him. Where'd you learn Scar and Abel's real name? I've searched everywhere to try to figure it out!
To AnimeCrasherz: Aw, don't cry! I'll try to come up with another good fic really soon! And, wow, you beat me when it comes to randomness!
To Iwin Ulose: Heh, you tried to read my mind again, didn't you? But it was one of the teachers, 'cause well, it had to be.
To Kitsune Freak: Gasp! You thought I'd kill George Lopez? And I don't see anything medical about someone sticking their hands into George's pockets to find Paco, but that'll be kinda disturbing. And I would have made Ed do it! Ed: What'd I ever do to you? I thought everything's suppose to turn out great for me in the end!
To Angel-of-Music1331 (ch 21): Nice to see you're back online! Hope to see you update next week!
To NekoRaven: I've always wondered why FMA humor is thought uncommon here. I've been wanting to break that rumor!
To Angel-of-Music1331 (ch 22): You fell just now? Wait, then you wouldn't have a brace so soon. Never mind. Glad to hear that this cheered you up!
To Angel-of-Music1331 (ch 23): What's cruel? What I did to Russell? I think he had it coming, flipping Greed off and all.
To ooOAnimeChildOoo: It'd be hard to write this fic if the characters weren't OOC. We must praise how odd characters can act in fan fictions!
To nonesofar: Okay, I'm off to review you! Cows taught Ed how to be a man, whether he would like to admit it, or not!
To nadisrad: Ed read the kidney thing. But he wouldn't have gotten all freaked out if he read just a little more. And that moment was my favorite part to write! That's how Ed and Envy should have acted in the end of the series!
To White bandana (ch 20): The bead thing is simple to explain: I made the cops hopelessly stupid. And I don't think Spanish is hard, but then again, I speak all improper since I learned it at my family's corral. And I'm Aztec Goddess 'cause I have Aztec ancestors! Plus, I like the way it sounds.
To rya-tabry: Thanks! I dunno when I'll write my next Humor fic, though. I don't have many funny ideas left at the moment, but I'll try to come up with a new story soon.
To MetalWing Alchemist: I let Ed graduate since it was pretty much pointless anyway. So do you remember what you were gonna say? I'd help you remember, but I wouldn't know . . .Yay! Cookies!
To White Bandana (ch 23): Well, I promised that one will graduate, so happy graduation day, Ed! I dunno how I came up with half this stuff. Anyway, thanks for such a high grade! Yay!
To sexylucifer: Doomed is such a strong word. They really enjoy jail!