I don't own any Marvel characters. Just a crazy little fic set during Evolution XMJ when Ben Grimm had a brief tenure as a substitute teacher. Just a little fun thing I thought up. I just love pointless fights, don't you?
Group Therapy is Not For Sissies
"Do we really have to do this?" Ben Grimm, AKA the Thing of the Fantastic Four asked.
"I'm afraid so," Hank sighed as they entered the library. "It's become mandatory around here."
"Greetings everyone," Xavier nodded. The rest of the Xavier Institute staff was there. (Ororo, Scott, Jean, Warren and Logan) "And welcome to our weekly Instructor Stress Seminar."
"It's group therapy Charles," Logan grunted as he used one of his claws to slice open a water bottle and drank it. "Don't sugarcoat it."
"It's important that we all address our own issues we have with our mutations," Xavier said. "It's difficult enough to help the students with their own conflicts if we don't deal with them ourselves."
Everyone looked at Ben. "Why is everyone looking at me?" Ben asked.
"Well…" Jean began. "It's kind of obvious that you're a bit…uncomfortable with your mutation."
"Technically I ain't a mutant," Ben reminded them. "Just got a huge faceful of cosmic radiation."
"And turned you into a living rock," Logan added. "If that ain't a mutation I don't know what is!"
"Logan's right," Hank said. "I too suffer from self esteem issues due to my change of appearance. Did you really think I always looked like Cookie Monster on steroids?"
"Actually you look more like Sully from Monsters Inc.," Ben told him. "But I get what you're saying. Okay so it ain't been easy, but I'm dealing with it."
"If by dealing with it you mean you're repressing your emotions and wallowing in self pity, yes you are dealing with it," Hank gave him a look.
"Yeah he does the same thing you do," Warren said. Hank gave him a look.
"Is it that obvious?" Ben asked.
"Well there have been some signs that you are still having trouble accepting yourself," Xavier said.
"What signs?" Ben asked.
"Besides the fact that you broke down crying in the middle of class on your first day?" Logan gave him a look.
"Logan please be more sympathetic," Hank admonished. "Lord knows the students have given me a few episodes."
"Okay maybe I've been a bit down in the dumps but can ya blame me?" Ben asked. "One day I'm just an average Joe the next I get turned into this. People call me the Thing and run from me. How's a guy supposed to cope with that?"
"It could be worse," Hank gave him a look. "You could get called a Beast."
"Believe me," Warren said. "A lot of us know what it's like to have mutations that aren't easy to live with."
"Oh poor little rich boy," Ben grunted. "It must be so horrible to have such perfect looks and wings to go with your bank account."
"I have to agree with him on this one," Hank indicated Ben with his thumb. "A pair of angelic wings that can be hidden under an overcoat is relatively minor as far as mutations go."
"Minor? Minor? Have you seen the size of these things?" Warren spread them out fully. "Do you know how cramped they get?"
"Oh boo freaking hoo," Ben snapped. "At least you can still pass for human! All you have to do is put on an overcoat! I can't even do that without getting looks!"
"That is so…" Warren threw up his hands. "You know people who look good are judged too? We face prejudice just like you do!"
"Not quite," Hank glared at him. "People don't bring out the torches and guns when you walk down the street."
"Maybe not but we're still judged," Warren said. "I mean look at the two of you! Just because my mutation is a little less obvious than yours you don't think I suffer!"
"If you ever turn blue I'll be more sympathetic," Hank told him.
"Will you morons quit your whining?" Logan groaned. "I've had it worse than any of ya. I was a freaking lab rat for crying out loud but you don't hear me constantly complaining about it."
"No, you just have to prove you're a tough guy and push everyone around," Scott snapped at him.
"You got something to say One-Eye?" Logan glared.
"It's just that your attitude is getting a little old," Scott snapped.
"Kid, I have eyebrow hair older than you," Logan snorted. "As if I really care what you think."
"You don't care what anybody thinks!" Scott snapped. "And it's not good for the team if you…"
"Here we go again!" Logan threw up his hands. "This is bad for the team! This isn't good for team morale. Change the record will you?"
"Listen you…" Scott began.
"Excuse me," Hank interrupted. "While I am loathe to interrupt you two in discussing your differences in management style, I believe we were discussing the difficulties Mr. Grimm and I have with our obvious mutations."
"Hey! I have problems too you know?" Warren snapped.
"The only problem you have is whether to buy the gold plated toothbrushes or the platinum plated ones," Ben folded his arms.
"WHAT?" Warren shot up. "Listen you…"
"Everyone please stop this!" Jean held up her hands.
"Listen to your girlfriend One Eye," Logan said. "She's got more brains than you have."
"Logan!" Ororo snapped.
"You know I have had it up to here with the two of you not taking me seriously!" Warren snapped at Hank and Ben.
"And what do you plan to do about it? Complain to the man upstairs?" Ben mocked.
"No, I'm going to send you to him personally!" Warren made a fist.
"Oh look Bird Boy has his feathers all flustered," Ben snickered. "What are you gonna do? Tickle us to death with your feathers?"
"He can barely take me on, let alone you," Hank chuckled.
"What did you say?" Warren snapped. "Oh you are gonna get it now!"
"Bring it on!" Hank motioned.
"Oh this I gotta see!" Ben said.
"You wanna piece of me?" Scott snapped.
"Bring it on teacher's pet," Logan snarled back.
"No one is going to do anything!" Xavier shouted. "All of you stop this fighting right now!"
"Fighting is no way to resolve our problems," Ororo said.
"Yeah, right," Logan scoffed.
"You know, now that I'm officially no longer a student I can finally say this to your face," Scott glared at him. "You are a jerk!"
"Oooh! That hurts," Logan mocked.
"You want it to hurt?" Scott motioned to his glasses. "I can arrange that!"
"No you won't!" Jean snapped. "Not until the next Danger Room session anyway."
"Come on you overgrown chicken!" Ben motioned to Warren. "Let's see what you've got."
"CHICKEN? CHICKEN?" Warren shouted.
"Bawwwwwwk!" Hank made clucking sounds. "Bawwwk! Buck Buckawwww!"
"That's it! I'm gonna shave all your fur off and then I'm gonna pound the rock boy into gravel!" Warren flapped his wings.
"No you will not!" Jean shouted at them. "Will you guys knock it off! Scott! Logan don't you dare start hitting each other! I mean it!"
"SHUT UP JEAN!" Logan, Scott, Warren, Ben and Hank snapped at the same time.
"THAT'S IT!" Jean snapped and used her telekinetic powers to slam both Logan and Scott into the wall. "YOU STILL WANNA FIGHT? HUH?" Then she started on Warren and Hank.
"Ha! I'd like to see you try that with me!" Ben laughed. Suddenly every book in the room flew out of the shelves and started hitting him along with the other men. "Hey!"
"Ow! Ow! Red knock it off!" Logan shouted.
"If the only way to knock some sense into you guys is to knock your thick heads…" Jean shouted.
Scott used his optic blasts to blow up a few books. "Jean! Can't we talk about this?"
"Oh now you want to talk?" Jean shouted. "FORGET IT!"
"Refresh my memory Charles," Ororo sighed. "How exactly are these meetings supposed to make us feel better?"
"They were supposed to help us release tension," Xavier said as he watched Jean assault the others with library books.
"Well this is one way of doing it," Ororo said. "Should we stop her?"
"No…" Xavier said. "They've had this coming for a long time."
"Ow! OW!" Logan snapped before he shot out his claws and began shredding the books. "Knock it off Jean before I get really mad!"
"You haven't seen really mad yet mister!" Jean snapped back as she threw a lamp at him.
"That's it," Xavier shook his head as the destruction continued. "Next time I'm holding these sessions in the Danger Room."
"Better yet…How about the local bar?" Ororo asked.
"I know I could use a stiff drink right now," Xavier sighed.