The Lord of the Rings: Rejected Titles

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings! I don't know where in the world you're getting these crazy ideas from, but I suggest you go see a psychiatrist.

I should probably be working on Lord of the Taters II, but I've kind of got writer's block, so give me break!

Elrond looked around at everyone who was present for the council; Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Faramir, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Eomer, Eowyn, Bilbo, and Arwen. "We are gathered here today for a very important cause. A book trilogy is going to be written all about us, but no one knows what the titles should be. One of you must come up with this."

"That's what we're here for?" Aragorn said. "You dragged us all here just to help come up with some stupid titles?"

"Well deciding on a title is a very intense and important procedure!"

Aragorn stood up. "Well being king is an even more intense and important procedure!"

Legolas got to his feet. "That's all you ever go on about, Aragorn! Ever since your coronation, you keep rubbing it in everyone's faces about you being king! You're even worse now than you were when you used to go on about being an almost-king!"

"Be quiet, blondie. Nobody asked your opinion."

The elf flipped his hair. "Well I asked myself for my opinion! So somebody did ask!"

Elrond clapped his hands for silence. "The two of you need to be quiet! We need to think up titles. Let's start with a title for part one. Any suggestions?"

Frodo raised his hand.


"I say that we call it The Divine and Unfaltering Heroism of the Great Hobbit Frodo Baggins!"

"Why the heck would we call it that?"

Frodo shrugged. "I don't know. But I think it would make a great title!" Sam stood up. "I agree! If Mr. Frodo thinks it's great, than I think it's great too! Everything that Mr. Frodo says is as good as the law!"

Frodo raised his hand again. "And then we can call the second part The Divine and Unfaltering Heroism of the Great Hobbit Frodo Baggins Bravely Continues! And the third part can be The Divine and Unfaltering Heroism of the Great Hobbit Frodo Baggins Nobly Saves the Day!"

"I think not," Elrond said coldly. "Any more ideas?"

Legolas raised his hand. "The third part could be called The Conceited Rantings of the Pompous Heir of Isildur."

Aragorn stood up in anger. "What exactly are you implying?"

Gandalf rapped Aragorn on the kneecap with his staff. "Have an open mind, Aragorn son of Arathorn. An open mind is the key to wisdom. Unless your mind gets so open that it acquires a huge hole in it and all your brain cells spill out."

Aragorn rubbed his sore kneecap. "Um... thanks, Gandalf. I'll take your advice." Not, he said to himself.

Elrond sighed in frustration. "Could you all just stop getting off topic?" Everyone fell silent. "Now, let us brainstorm..."


The council went on for about an hour or two, and Elrond had taken a page of notes. He cleared his throat. "Well, despite much arguing, we have managed to come up with a few suggestions. Now, it is time to try them out."

Everyone groaned loudly. Elrond ignored them and read, "The Fellowship of the Wings."

Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli attached fake wings to their backs and ran around making flying sound effects.

"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam. "Watch out for that-"

CRASH! "Ow!" said Frodo feebly.

"-tree!" Sam finished.

Elrond crossed off something on his notes. "Well that one appears to be too dangerous. Let's try The Fellowship of the String."

Frodo walked on holding a piece of string. "Gasp! It is the One String! And if I unravel the String, it shall stretch all the way to Mordor and lead Sauron to me!"

Gandalf took the string out of Frodo's hand. "Frodo, there is only one thing to do! I must floss my teeth with this string!" He stuck the string in his mouth and started flossing his teeth.

Elrond sighed with annoyance. "That was even worse than the first one you did. How about this one. The Two Showers."

Gimli brought out a bathtub and a hose. Legolas grabbed Aragorn, shoved him in the bathtub and sprayed him with the hose.

"NOOOO!" cried Aragorn. "The evils of water!" He ran out of the tub and hid behind Arwen.

"Come back here!" said Gimli. "It's supposed to be The Two Showers!"

Legolas, grinning evilly, pulled Aragorn out of hiding and shoved him into the bathtub again. Gimli gave him a good hosing.

"I don't like this one at all!" said Aragorn, leaping out of the bathtub as fast as he could.

Elrond crossed out something on his list and looked at what he had put next. He groaned. "The next one is... The Two Flowers."

Sam happily walked over to a patch of grass and picked a flower. Then he bent down and picked another one. "Behold! It is the two flowers of Middle-earth! The fate of the world depends upon their-"

"Enough!" said Elrond loudly.

Sam looked about to cry. "You want me to stop?"


"But I don't see anything wrong with flowers, Mr. Elrond sir. Flowers are good, wholesome, educational things, and I think that-"

"Take a seat, Mr. Gamgee! Enough is enough."

Sam sat down rather sulkily.

Elrond put a line through The Two Flowers and consulted his notes to see what was next. He frowned, and said rather questioningly, "The Return of the Thing."

Aragorn rode on Faramir's back, dressed up like some sort of space alien thing. "It is I, returned on my noble steed!"

Faramir, the "noble steed", panted for breath. "Aragorn, you're really heavy," he whispered.

Eowyn stood up and pointed a finger at Aragorn. "Behold! It is the... the... what is that thing?"

"Stop!" Elrond commanded. "That was extremely lame." As Aragorn, Faramir, and Eowyn took their seats, Elrond said, "The next one is The Return of the Bling."

Aragorn walked out from behind a pillar, decked out in nothing but gold. "All this gold is kind of heavy! I can barely walk in this stuff!"

Arwen gasped. "It is the return of the bling! Great wealth has been brought to our land!"

Aragorn tried to strike a heroic pose, but failed to do so. "Yes. I have returned from the Pits of Bling Galore, and bring this gold and shiny bling to my country!"

Elrond sighed. "None of these are working!"

Suddenly, Bilbo lifted up his head and waved his walking stick in the air. "Fresh squeezed oranges!" Frodo, who was sitting next to him, sighed. What was the old geezer going on about now?

"Mr. Baggins, do you have a suggestion?" Elrond asked.

"I think I'm quite ready for another adventure," the elderly hobbit replied.

"Mr. Baggins, you are wasting my time. Now if you have something to say about any type of suggestion, then say it now."

"Yes, yes, I was getting to that, Thorin."

"I'm Elrond."

"Of course you are, Smaug. Now I think this is all a waste of Beorn's time and we should all go to Lake Town and see the Lonely Mountain again!"

Elrond scowled. "Yes, but what about a suggestion?"

"I'm getting to that, Frodo my lad. Anyway..." He banged his stick on the arm of his chair. "Er... does anybody know where the outhouse is?"

Elrond could have sworn he felt a blood vessel burst. "You're completely wasting my time, Bilbo!"

"Eh? Who's Bilbo? Who are you? I need my hot water bottle!"

"Never mind." Elrond crumpled up his notes and flung them away. They ended up hitting Legolas in the head and the elf lost consciousness. "Let's just forget about this and play Pin the Beard on the Dwarf!"

And so everyone forgot about the council, and Gimli and Gloin were traumatized until the end of time.

The end.

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