Title: Shut Up!
Authors: Kelley and Shelley
Rating: Q (we don't understand the new rating system, or else we'd say R-ish)
Summary: This story takes place after "Camelot Is A Silly Place" which is the sequel to "I'll Most Likely Kill You in the Morning" We strongly suggest you read these, and the interlude "Cordelia the Wise" before reading this little ficlet. Otherwise you might be a little confused. When we left off, it was said that Xander "heard voices". That's all we're giving you for now. This is just the interlude before the final installment of the trilogy.
A/N: Yeah, we're back, but with a warning: We're about to separate! Shelley's moving to Murray (yay, more college) and Kelley's moving back to Nashville with her boyfriend (yay, real world). These updates may be few and far between. Or maybe not. You never know with us; we're unpredictable like that.
One last note: Italics equals thoughts!
ON WITH THE STORY!
Chapter 1: Xander tries to use the Force
Xander could be called many things and has been in the past, but had a goal. He was a man on a mission, and nothing would stand in his way. He didn't care if it took days, he was going to accomplish the task he'd set before himself. All it took was a little concentration, and patience. And, hopefully no interruptions.
"Like, whatcha doing?"
Luckily the carpenter didn't startle so badly that he fell off the couch; just a little wobble. Because falling on his ass because of the sudden appearance of a sixteen-year-old girl would be so embarrassing. Not to mention déjà vu.
"Why are you here, Janice?" he asked in a calm tone.
"Hello, party? Duh." she answered in a way only someone as annoying as Janice could.
Xander looked around his living room. Punch, popcorn, various and sundry people, and music. Yep, there was indeed a party in full swing in his apartment. Funny, he didn't remember inviting anyone over. Why didn't Spike write his plans down on the marker board on the fridge? It's what they bought it and the dozen different colored markers for? Well, that and drawing nudie pictures that Buffy always impaled with multicolored erasable stakes. Anyway, someone should have told him.
"Everyone's been here for like, an hour. Didn't you notice?" Where can I score some weed? I bet Spike has some."Everyone's been here for like, an hour. Didn't you notice?"
Xander smirked. "What does weed have to do with anything, Janice?" he asked innocently.
Janice's eyes widened. "Oh, my God! I said that out loud? I, I mean, what are you talking about? I don't smoke weed!" Seeing her incompetence at a convincing argument, she quickly fled.
Xander rolled his eyes. Thankful for the restored peace and quiet, or at least momentary solitude, he went back to the task at hand.
"You can do this, Alexander Lavelle Harris. Just concentrate."
"There you are, Xander. Great party!" Willow exclaimed, plopping herself down on the coffee table opposite him.
Xander experienced a moment sheer panic as his red headed best buddy nearly destroyed any amount of progress he'd made, but breathed a sigh of relief when it appeared that she had caused his experiment no harm.
"Wills. Buddy of mine! Come over here. Sit by me. And for God's sakes, get off my coffee table!"
Willow gave her friend a wide eyed stare before getting up. Slowly. He seemed to be getting a lot of those looks from her lately. He had no idea why.
Xander took a deep breath in order to center himself and continued to concentrate on the object in front of him.
"Xander?" Willow asked from where she now sat beside him. "What, exactly, are you doing?"
"What's it look like I'm doing?" he answered absently. Most of his mind was on other things, obviously. Couldn't Willow see that?
"It looks like you're gaping at an inanimate object for no reason," Willow told him. Why did Xander choose now to go crazy?
The once and future Zeppo would have glared at Willow over that comment, but he didn't want to take his eyes away from his goal. He was almost there. He could feel it!
"I'm not going crazy, Willow," he said monotonously.
Even without looking, he knew Willow's look had turned even more incredulous. She was not convinced. Yeah, right. You're the picture of sanity, Xan. Right up there with Drusilla.
Xander chose to ignore Willow's comments, both spoken and otherwise in favor of continuing his mission. Willow sat beside him without a word for a full ninety seconds before standing so quickly that the entire couch shook.
"That's it!" she cried. "I'm getting Buffy!"
The retreating sound of Willow's stomping footsteps were music to Xander's ears. He'd find his Wiccan friend later and apologize, but right now this was more important.
Xander was so immersed in his task that he didn't notice Buffy's approach until she moved between him and the coffee table. "Buffy! Do you have any idea what you're doing?"
"Xander we've talked about this," Buffy stated in very realistic sounding Mom voice.
"But Buffy. I've almost got it. I know I do. Willow's just a big tattle tale!"
Buffy sighed. When did I become the adult in this group? Was it before or after I started dating Spike? And if it was after, would staking him cure me of this?
Xander looked up at Buffy and smiled. "If you stake him, he will haunt us forever, Buff."
Buffy scowled. Damn mind reading mumbo jumbo! "That's not fair and you know it, Xander!" Buffy jabbed her finger accusingly at the object on the coffee table making Xander flinch. "Why do you think you can do this? You can't even float a pencil."
"Well, after Lorne told me that the Powers That Be weren't talking when it came to what was happening to me, I got to thinking. And given the powers I currently possess. . . ."
"Xander, you will never be a Jedi Master!" Buffy exclaimed with a stamp of her foot.
The Jedi-wannabe didn't react to his friend's miniature temper tantrum. "Yeah, you say that now, but once I've master mental Jenga," He motioned to the Jenga tower sitting on his coffee table. "And successfully moved all the little pieces with my as to yet undiscovered telekinesis. . . ."
Xander's semi-delusional monologue was cut off when Spike sat down on the couch, leaned forward, and promptly tipped the Jenga tower over.
The move was so sudden, it took Xander a few moments to react. "SPIIIIIIKE!" Xander bellowed.
"You have much to learn, young Padawan," Spike intoned.
Xander jumped to his feet. "That's it. You're out of here, buddy!"
Spike gasped in shock. "Xander, are you breaking up with me?" the vampire asked in falsetto.
"Yes, I am." Later Xander would realize how ridiculous this conversation was, but anger, and quite truthfully more chocolate than anyone should eat in an hour was clouding his judgment at the moment. "You're not my roommate anymore you big meanie!"
Buffy was trying her best not to giggle. "Don't worry, Spike. You can live in my basement. There's a cot. . . .for some strange reason."
"But it's not the same!" Spike pouted. He turned dramatically toward the still steaming young man. "Come on, Xander. We can make this work. No need to let a little wood get in the way of our friendship."
Xander tried to resist. He really did. In a single moment, Spike had toppled three hours of his Sunday afternoon that he would never get back. But in the end, his inner pervert won. He double over in a fit of very manly giggles.
"You said . . ." he gasped. "Wood!" And the giggles showed no sign of stopping.
"So are you saying I can stay, little buddy?" Spike continued, not even a grin cracking his truly soap opera worthy expression.
Xander took one look at the vampire's face and could only nod while trying to find time to breath through the laughter. Spike, not one to pass up the chance for melodrama, scooped Xander up into a hug, swinging him around in his arms and nearly decapitating several party guests. Buffy, who wisely stepped back at the beginning of the reconciliation, shook her head and rolled her eyes.
"Spike," Xander finally gasped. "I kinda need to breathe here."
"Oh, right," Spike drew his spinning to a halt in front of his girlfriend and set Xander back on his feet. Xander leaned into Buffy quite dizzy from Spike's enthusiasm. He really should be used to this by now. It happened at least once a week.
"Forgive me?" Spike asked hopefully.
Xander grinned. "Yeah, you big dork. But you owe me a Jenga tower."
Buffy watched the two idiots fondly. Yeah, they were totally insane, but at least they were entertaining. "Alright guys. Fight's over. Group hug!"
From across the room, Dawn caught sight of the trio and whimpered. "Come on, guys, not in front of me!"
The End. . . . For now.