Something in the Water

Warning: Extreme stupidity ahead. Proceed with caution.


It was one of those nights. There hadn't been a sign of trouble all night. The bar was filled to just under capacity, which mean business was doing just fine. Everybody was having a good time except Kou.

He was bored. He was more than bored he was beyond bored. He sat back on his chair watching Sion.

Sion was in his usual position, and Kou was sure that he was sleeping again. Why was that boy always sleeping? What made him so tired that he had to sleep all the time? Kou made a mental note to find out at a latter date.

Volt walked up the stairs, "Sion. It's your shift," He said in his usual gruff voice.

"Yeah, yeah." Sion got up and headed down the stairs.

"Dominique is waiting for you," Volt added.

Sion turned and smiled then hurried down the stairs. Whatever was going on with Sion and Dominique was none of Kou's business and he intended to keep it that way.

Volt handed him a beer. "Thanks," Kou said.

Volt grunted in reply.

'Great!' Kou though, 'Not only was I already bored but now I have Volt to talk to! It's just about the same as talking to Sion while he slept! The man just doesn't have any conversational skills!'

"So, Kou, what's with that funny little yellow phone that you always carry around?" Volt spoke! That was a first!

"WH-WHAT?" Kou spluttered and then caught himself, "Oh, this?" He pulled out the com link, "It's just a phone," He flipped it into the air and caught it again.

"Who keeps calling you?" Volt asked.

"Jeez! What's with the 20 questions all of a sudden?"

He looked at Kou letting him know that he was still waiting for an answer.

"Ok, ok, ok. It's just a friend," Kou tried to sound convincing, "You know, of the female variety."

"A girlfriend?"

"Not really."

"A lover?"

"God no!"

"Would you though?"

"What?"

"Have sex with her?"

"No . . . . . well I don't think so."

"You don't sound to convincing."

"Huh?"

"Do you like women?"

"What type of question is that?"

"Is that a no?"

"No!"

"So it's a yes."

"What's with you all of a sudden?"

"What about boys?"

"What about them?"

"Do you like them?"

"What the?"

"Would you have sex with one?"

"For the love of god Volt!"

"Would you have sex with me?"

"That's it! I'm outta here!" He grabbed his beer and headed down stairs. 'What the hell is up with Volt? Did somebody slip something into his drink? Did somebody put him up to it? Is this some sort of joke?' Kou wondered as he headed to the bar.

"Hey boss?" He called out.

"Yeah Kou?" He walked over to Kou.

"Have you noticed anything weird about Volt?"

"Like what?"

"He keeps asking me all these weird questions."

"Oh, I don't know."

"Ok then. Thanks anyway."

"Sorry that I couldn't be more help."

Kou left the bar and headed outside. Perhaps Sion would know what was going on.

He opened the door and stuck his head out. For once he didn't know what to say. Sion had Dominique pressed against the wall and they were making out!

"O . . . . . . k then." He shut the door and shuddered. He really didn't need to see that.

He made his way back upstairs. Maybe Volt was back to normal now. He took a swig of his beer and almost spat it all over the place when he saw Volt.

He was sitting on the table completely naked!

"HOLY SHIT!" Kou screamed.

"Kou!" Volt turned to him, "You shouldn't sware. It's not appropriate and could offend some of the customers."

"And like THIS won't?" Kou covered his eyes. "Volt put some pants on man!"

"Why?" Volt stood up. "Don't you like what you see?" He started moving towards Kou. "Don't you want my body?"

"Fuck man! Get a grip!" Kou backed away.

"Ok." Volt lunged at him.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Kou smashed his bottle into Volts head and ran back down the stairs.

"What's going on?" Sion yelled as he ran inside.

"Sion! Thank god!" Kou turned to Sion and his eyes went wide.

Sion was dressed in Dominique's blue bike shorts and halter-top. He was even wearing her silly orange hat thing.

"What the hell is wrong with you!"

"I heard you scream and thought that something was wrong."

"Well yes. Something is VERY wrong!"

"I'm frightfully sorry chaps," a voice came from behind Kou.

'What now?' He thought as he turned around.

"I believe that we have reserved the dining table for tonight." Dauragon said. "Would you mind if we ate here my love?" He addressed PD-4 who he was holding hands with. They were both dressed like cowboys.

"Pip pip. Tally-ho. Crumpets." PD-4 replied. Dauragon took his other hand and they began to dance.

"That's it! I've gone completely insane haven't I?" Kou asked himself. Just then he felt a sharp pain as somebody slapped him across the face.

"You MONSTER!" Came a high-pitched voice. Standing in front of Kou was Mugetsu, in a frilly pink frock with a matching sunhat.

Sion starts picking his nose.

"Oh come on now! That is just disgusting!" Kou said. "I can handle you and Mugetsu in drag, I can handle Volt being naked and coming on to me and I can even handle Dauragon and PD-4 dressed like cowboys and dancing like they are in love, But I cannot handle you picking your nose!"

Sion sulked in a nearby corner.

"How dare you talk to my baby like that?" Mugetsu screamed and slapped him again.

"First you kill my husband and now you make my baby cry!" He ran to Sion and cradled him in his arms.

Kou hung his head. 'What is going on here?' Suddenly he was smacked in the back of the head by a rather robotic hand.

"Terribly sorry there chap" PD-4 said as his hand retracted and reconnected to his arm.

"My you are a wonderful dancer," Dauragon said as he dipped PD-4.

The door opened. "I heard this is a pretty good bar," Squall said as he entered.

"Really? How would you know? You aren't even old enough to drink!" Cloud said as he nudged Squalls shoulder.

"Shhh! Do you wanna get me kicked outta here or what?" Squall put his hand over Clouds mouth.

They stopped walking as soon as they saw what was going on in front of them.

"Maph!" Cloud said.

"What?"

Cloud tugged at Squalls hand.

"Oh" Squall let go.

"That kid has my hair!" he pointed at Sion. "What the hell is that little wimp doing with MY hair!"

"HOW DARE YOU?" Mugetsu ran at Cloud. "My baby is NOT a wimp!" He slapped him hard across the face. Squall started giggling.

"What are you laughing at?" Mugetsu demanded.

"Oh . . . uh . . I like your hat."

"Would anybody like some cookies?" came a voice from the kitchen.

Auron walked in wearing a bright pink apron and carrying a tray full of chocolate chip cookies.

"That's the last straw!" Kou screamed "I am so out of here!" He ran towards the door.

"I told you that this was a cool bar didn't I?" Squall said to Cloud.

"Yeah, you called it." Cloud replied. "But I think that I should kill that little brat that has my hair." He pointed at Sion.

"Oh come on!" Squall slapped his forehead. "Why do you have to keep killing people that have your 'hair'? I mean you already got rid of that little Sora twat. If you keep it up then Squaresoft won't have any characters left and then they are going to sue you for a loss in profit through lack of sales!"

"Well they should stop giving people my hair! I mean is it so hard to give somebody different hair?"

"Well if you're gonna be like that then I should kill that tattooed guy because he looks like my dad!"

"Please! That has nothing to do with what we're talking about! What we are talking about is those stupid little S.O.B's from Squaresoft!"

"Hey take it easy would ya? I mean they were nice enough to keep employing you after Final Fantasy 7 weren't they? I mean they didn't have to give you a role in Ergeize did they? They even gave us both roles in Chocobo Racing and Kingdome Hearts!"

"So what? Even Sephiroth's illegitimate son Riku got a role in that piece of crap! For god's sake they made me dress up like Vincent! I had Cid bitching at me about that. Ever since Vincent stopped working Cid has had to support him! He even took on a role in that piece of crap Spirits Within movie that Squaresoft came up with!"

"Yeah that was pretty bad. At least they are trying to make up for it, I mean look at Final Fantasy 10. That's pretty impressive."

"Yeah whatever. I'm outta here." He walked out the bar.

"Hey! That's my line!" Squall screamed as he followed him out.

As Squall slammed the door Kou ran straight into it. He was knocked out cold.

When he woke up he was laying on the floor of Fate. Volt, Sion, Dominique and the Boss were all looking down at him.

"Are you ok Kou?" Dominique asked sounding very worried.

"What happened?" Kou asked as Volt helped him to his feet.

"You were drugged and then you passed out." Volt said.

"What? Drugged? By who?" Kou asked starting to get very worried.

"Echidna." Volt didn't sound very impressed.

"Why? Why me?"

"She wasn't after you. She was after Volt." Sion said.

"She slipped something into the beer that you drank. She thought Volt was going to drink it." The Boss said as he walked back to the bar.

Kou noticed that he was now on the ground floor and he had drank his beer while upstairs. "How did I get down here?"

Volt smirked. "You wandered down here, acting very drunk, and slurring something about how I was coming on to you."

Kou blushed.

"Then you accused him of attacking you." Dominique added.

Kou blushed even more.

"You threw your bottle at a customer, while screaming 'put your clothes back on'. You tried to take Sion's clothes off. You asked a biker if you could dance with him and when he refused you asked him for some cookies. You slapped a woman telling her to keep away from your baby." The Boss told him.

"And then you started laughing hysterically and ran straight into the door." Sion said, trying not to giggle.

If Kou could blush anymore than he would have. "Am I fired?" He asked the Boss.

"Of corse not. It wasn't your fault and a lot of the customers said that they would be back tomorrow night to see another performance."

They all laughed, except Kou who was very embarrassed.

"Come on Kou," Volt supported his weight. "I'll take you home."

"Thanks Volt." Kou said as they left the bar together.

As they were driving home Volt turned to Kou. "Sorry about all of those questions."

"WHAT?"

Volt just grinned at him and continued driving.

End