April, 2, 2001.
(author's note: There's a lot more IY POV out there, so I thought it was time to introduce a Kagome one.. I was bored in class and was inspired.. I hope you like it.)
As I stand here looking at him sleep, his face and expression always so blank, I wonder exactly why I'm still here. Why do I stay here by his side when everything around me is falling down and crashing around my mind.
School… what's that now? My grades, my friends, and even my family are all half-forgotten memories. I should care... I should cry over all I've left behind. It's my life, it's what I was before… what I used to be, but I cannot touch it nor grasp it now. It's a part of me that I am losing. A part I can not reach and snap back into place as easily as a hairclip. I CAN'T! It will not respond to me. How can I reach it when it is dead, buried beyond recognition.
It is a blank, a voice that can not be crossed and will not be opened; it refuses to bulge. My past is being cut out from behind me and I am helpless. It falls down like the trees in front of the mighty lumberjack's axe and I wish, oh dear god, I wish I could grab at it, and pull it back to where it belongs… But no, something prevents me… someone prevents me. I am lost, drowning, everything is spinning. I don't know what to do.
Where are my roots?
Where is my past?!
Staggering I stumble away from the fire, away from him and those that sleep nearby and run. Moving again. 'Running away' as he always so aptly puts it. Running away! How that word stings my ears?! To disappear and run off like some frighten little mouse with his tail between his legs. Oh god, is that what he sees me doing? Sigh, but it's the only thing I know how to do that won't hurt me. It's the only thing that keeps my heart, thoughts, and mind from breaking down and shattering to pieces. It's a safety precaution that stops everything from totally collapsing down on me. I am scared. I am deathly terrified of losing everything… of loosing my connection to who I am and to what I am.
No one understand me.. no one tries.. Why? Why should they.. why should anyone care… afterall I'm just a replacement for the one who came before me.
Stumbling forward tears blurring my eyes I stop suddenly in front of the well. How well I know the way, I didn't even realize I had come back. I stare ahead, my gaze almost blank. Go back and reestablish my connections. Open them, instead of permanently sealing them, so that I will not have an empty life.. so that I will not be what I am.. God I have to stop shutting out my family, my school my life… I am HIGURASHI KAGOME, a 15 year old highschool student, I live at temple.. I am a normal girl.. A NORMAL GIRL!!!
My voice inside my mind is silent after that emotion scream and the emptiness of that silence mocks me. No, I am not a normal high school student nor am I connected any longer to my home and my past…
I look at my hands and stare at them. Different. I am different… and alone. Dropping my arms down on the well, I bury my face against the wood. I am alone.
Lifting my head up and jerking it around, I am shocked to see him standing there, watching me with his…
~Inuyasha~ God I know what he must be must thinking..
Kagome has run off on me again.. why is she always doing this to me.. why can't she stay put....
I makes me angry. Angry that I am not more than a puppet, but a replacement for the one the he wanted before. I am not some toy doll that is to be played with, brushed and petted before putting back into the treasure chest. I am not here for his whims.. that was not what I was born for. This I my life. This wretched empty life and I chose what to do with it.
I turned my face away from his, rubbing my eyes until they hurt. "I wasn't.." But why bother, he never believes me anyways and my voice sounds horrible as my tears on my cheeks look so I stopped.
He hasn't moved, hasn't breathed since uttering my name.
~what, what now?~
I lift up my legs until I'm seated over the well. I placed them so that I can slide in at a moment notice.
His voice stops me again and I paused. "Inuyasha?"
There's a flutter of sound and suddenly I feel his breath so close to my neck as he grips me from behind. "Don't leave me... don't leave me …alone."
The word grates heavy along my nerves. He's alone too. Alone like me, alone without…
"You have Kikyo." I know the words are hard and cold. But I don't have it in me to play the passive fool anymore… I expected him to get angry and push me away as he always does when I say something like that, but instead his grip on me tightens.
"Kagome." There is pain in his voice, pain at what I caused him to feel, by saying her name, but I lost everything in choosing him… and he has Kikyo now. I am alone... alone more than he will be. "Go to her. How can I compare to someone who is dead."
"Stop this Kagome." His breath is heavy against my ears as he holds on for dear life.
"I won't let go of you. I'll never let you go."
"I belong to myself, let me go."
"No! You belong to me!"
I stare and blink, stunned at the possessiveness in his voice and the way his arms hold on and won't let go. "You don't own me.." I stopped too late realizing he hadn't meant it to sound like the way I had mistaken it for. It wasn't ownership, but connection.
"Kagome… What do I have without-?"
"Fuck, will you stop that…"
He's angry and he spins me around so quickly that I get a bit dizzy. "Kikyo is not you. Kagome is Kagome… and I don't want anyone other then you."
"You kissed her."
He's taken off guard, but quickly recovers. "She kissed me."
I go quiet and look away.
"That's it, isn't it, Kagome?"
I look a bit sulky and mumbled out slowly, "No."
"Liar." Jerking me into his arms he places a passionate kiss against my mouth surprising me at how warm and full of life he is. I stand there startled, stunned, with wide gaping eyes. "Where you go... I will follow. Please let me follow you."