Disclaimer: I do not own the O.C.


Dear Kirsten,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're in rehab. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to find out. But most of all i'm sorry that I'm finding it so hard to write you a simple letter. I know there's a lot of stuff I'm going to apologise about, so I'm letting you know in advance, okay?

I almost wish that everything was better, back to normal, whatever that is. But if it was, then I would have no blame and i don't deserve that. I mean, my own father, albeit a newly-realised father, just died and I didn't even go to his funeral. What kind of a daughter does that make me? I just took off with my mom, forgot Orange County and forgot him too. I was just so mad, you know? Not just at him though, my mom, myself. Even you, because you got to have him as a dad no questions asked, you got to grow up with him, you didn't have to have a DNA test to be loved.

I know, from an outside view, to people like Julie Cooper it made sense. But why couldn't he just know? And maybe I never made the effort to contact him, but neither did he.

I'm sorry. I never intended to rant at you. It's just - I don't know where else to say this. I can't tell my mom, she wouldn't understand. It feels safer, more rational to write it down. You think before you write, moreso than speaking. Writing dwn jumbled emotions can sort them out. I guess this is my cartharsis, huh? I'm sorry, you're probably sick of talking about problems by now.

This is helping me more than this is helping you, isn't it? Well, my mom always said that to make a person feel better about themselves you should tell them five things you like about them. I'll do it for you, and maybe if you get bored you could reciprocate. And maybe do one about Dad? I'd like that.

So here goes:

1) Your hair. Shallow, I know, but it always looks so pretty. And I'm so jealous that you're a natural blonde. Speaking as a redhead who can never go blonde because she'll end up looking like Lindsay Lohan (who coincidentally, shares my name and my hair colour). I can't go darker either, tried it once, Grade A disaster, let me tell you.

2) Your relationship with Sandy. Sometimes it was strained, but everyone could always tell that you loved each other. I mean, happily married for twenty years? What an amazing accomplishment. And he sang for you. He's such a sweetie towards you. I hope I have a relationship as strong as that one day. I used to wish I'd have it with Ryan, but my feelings towards him have faded, which I think can only be a good thing considering. Maybe we just weren't meant to be.

3) The way that when you found out about me you didn't think of me as your father's illegitimate love child, but as your sister. I know we played about with words like "friend" to prevent the situation from becoming too overwhleming, which I really appreciate, but I knew that what we had went deeper. Even when you were freaked out about me and Ryan (which, by the way, although I was disappointed I totally understood) you took a step back, you didn't cut me out of your life altogether.

4) That you accepted me into your home, your life. Well, accepting anyone really. Me, Ryan, Trey. I like that you don't take it lightly. It makes it more worthy, somehow. Ryan told me a little of how he came to live in Newport (the bare essentials) and I just think it was really amazing what you did, giving him a chance. Giving me a chance. It means a lot.

5) But what I like most about you is that you're a great sister. I've never had a sister before, and I couldn't really wish for a better one. You took me shopping, asked me over for lunch, picked me up from school. It's the little things I really appreciated Kirsten. You took the time to know me when Dad couldn't be bothered. YOu gave me someone to listen to. So, thank you, Kisrten. I love you. I hope this isn't getting too mushy. As a Physics major, I try to be detached and clinical when writing (but sometimes the gooey stuff just cascades out- so I'm sorry. This is one of those times, I'm afraid).

I guess you want to know why I wasn't at the funeral. I was at orchestra when it happened. We were playing Brahms. How ironic, right? I'd never played my oboe so flawlessly and I thought of Dad, how he'd never hear me play unless I miraculously was allowed to play at Hollywood Bowl. He was too busy being Caleb Nichol. Didn't, couldn't, wouldn't be Dad. And I thought, screw him. I don't need him. I've got this far without him.

So I went home, and Mom had just got off the phone. She looked...stunned. She kept saying "oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again as she hugged me. When she told me I felt numb. Later on, it worried me that I felt more angry than sad.

To say that my mom wouldn't let me come would be easy, but it wouldn't be true. She wasn't keen on coming back to California, but she was supportive. I didn't go because I was afraid. Afraid to see that he was really dead, really gone. If I didn't go, I thought I could just go on pretending he was still alive and just being a bastard. I'm a coward. I know. I'm so sorry Kirsten, I hope I haven't let you down. I don't regret it, because I can grieve for him from here. What I do regret is that I never got the time to get to know him well enough. So, it would be really great, I mean, only if you wanted to, if maybe, you could tell me some stories about him? Show me some pictures from when he was younger?

I hope you are doing well in rehab and continue to do so. I miss you, the whole family. I'll come down sometime. Maybe we could visit Dad's grave together? I don't think that's something I want to do alone.

Love always,



P.S. My mom fell asleep the other day watching The Matrix. It reminded me of you when you did it! xxx

Please review if you made it this far!

Ansy Pansy aka Pans:I got 4 A's in my exams, yay! I take English Lit, History, Maths (Pure and Stats) and Biology (which I will be dropping). I live just outside Cardiff, and we were going to go to Swansea to the beach but we went to the Hard Rock Cafe instead because the weather was a bit iffy! Hope you did well! Oh btw I went to Cambridge on the Friday, lol you asked me bout that yonks ago!