Another Heir of Slytherin
Disclaimer: All of this is based upon the lovely J.K. Rowling's work.
Warnings: Humor, Parody, Randomness
AN: This was a pseudo-challenge proposed by a friend a while back. The goal was to write the most random and odd story possible, while also introducing another Heir of Slytherin/Dark Lord and having Harry kill them instead… thus fulfilling the prophecy.
Everyone in the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry gaped at the shocking announcement. Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet and marched to the front door, the faculty and several students following behind. He strode right up to the Heir of Slytherin (AN: not Tom, though he was there, lurking nearby for some strange reason).
"You can't possibly be the Heir of Slytherin, Argus," the headmaster tried to explain. "Your ancestors aren't even British. They are not Irish, Celtic, Scottish, Welsh, or any other type of ethnic group from the British Isles either."(AN: What does that have to do with anything?) He continued calmly, "You're Greek."
"Oh, but I am the Heir of Slytherin. I am his thirty-seven times great-grandson's best friend's cousin's girlfriend's sister's son… we're practically family." (AN: Can anyone say random Mel Brooks reference?)
Snape rolled his eyes. "No, you're not, you incompetent fool. How you could possibly know such a tenuous connection is beyond me (AN: Me, too), but it still does not make you the heir of Slytherin." He looked insulted by the mere thought of Argus Filch having any connection to his house, no matter how far removed it actually was.
"And that's where you are wrong!" Argus Filch shouted excitedly, brandishing his mop as though it were a wand. (AN: I am not entirely sure how he managed that.)
"Please tell me that I am not related to this idiot," Tom Marvolo Riddle a.k.a. Lord Voldemort whispered to himself, attracting the attention of the deputy headmistress.
She eyed him speculatively, wondering why he was here. Assuming that Albus indeed knew about their guest, she spoke, "Probably not, and if he is… well, there are ways of removing him from the family line… permanently." (AN: Uh?)
Lord Voldemort looked rather surprised by the statement. "I believe there are." Undoubtedly, he was contemplating killing the crazy squib. (AN: Most likely in an incredibly long and painful way; he is Lord Voldemort, after all.)
"You know, I always fancied you when we were in school together," Minerva stated suddenly, eyeing Riddle in his new non-snake body. (AN: Er?) "I like a man who knows his Transfiguration." (AN: Does that include Dumbledore?)
"Really? I didn't know that," he responded with interest.
"Yes, but you know… the whole Gryffindor/Slytherin thing. I couldn't exactly approach you about it," she continued, once more eyeing him.
"Well, I have a confession to make," Riddle stated, looking slightly nervous, "I always fancied you as well; I like women that are stern but secretly hell-cats." (AN: What?)
"Maybe we could have dinner sometime," he commented smoothly, red-wine eyes gazing at her intently.
"What about the whole Dark Lord spiel?" She asked hesitantly.
"Well, I have been thinking about giving that up for awhile now. It's just not working out as planned. Plus, if I intend to kill of all those with Muggle blood I'd have to commit suicide in the end since I'm a half-blood after all." (AN: That is true.)
Minerva considered his proposal and comments for a moment. "Hm… sounds fine to me. How about the Three Broomsticks tonight at seven?"
Off to the side, Harry Potter watched their exchange in confusion. "Now, that is just so odd," he whispered to his girlfriend, Luna, watching as Tom Riddle and Minerva McGonagall walked away hand in hand.
"Not as odd as the snorkacks I found eating my socks yesterday," Luna replied sweetly, turning to watch the conversation between Professors Flitwick and Trelawney.
"You know, Filius, I always thought there was something off about Argus," Trelawney stated with certainty. (AN: Yeah, right.)
"I am sure you did, Sybill." Flitwick sighed and rolled his eyes, looking as though he wished he was anywhere but here.
"My inner eye told me to beware… er… gray-headed, psychotic Squib descendents of Slytherin's roommate," she told him mistily.
"Oh, will you shut up about your inner eye. I have had it up to here," he held his hand as far above his head as it could go, "with your Divination nonsense." He scowled before speaking again. "Umbridge was right. (AN: I never though I'd hear anyone say that.) You are a right old fraud." (AN: Yay Umbridge… wait … never mind.)
"OLD! How dare you, midget!" Trelawney screamed. "I am not old." She flourished her wand and was about to curse Flitwick, but he noticed her motion and brandished his own wand. The two started a rather short-lived duel, Flitwick winning within seconds. (AN: Well, he was once a champion dueler.) He picked up the purple and pink polka-dotted pineapple that once was Sybill Trelawney and stuffed her into his robe pocket.
"Ha, I showed you," he happily commented.
Standing just a few feet away, Fred and George Weasley looked on in shock. (AN: Hey, wait. What are they doing here? Didn't they graduate or something?) "Did you just see that, brother?" Gred questioned.
"Yes, brother." Gred (AN: …er … Forge) answered. "Neville Longbottom just bit Mrs. Norris." (AN: … and so he had.)
"What? Not that, I meant Hermione just punched out Ron because he confessed his undying love for her. Apparently, she and Draco Malfoy are really a couple, and she is Harry's long lost sister." (AN: Um?)
"But she looks nothing like him."
"Well, that is true. But we are wizards, after all. I'm sure there is some sort of magical spell that affected their appearance. Did I mention that Professor Sprout is really their uncle?"
"Huh… but I thought Sprout was a woman."
"Yeah, well so did I." (AN: Me, too.)
Professor Vector watched the exchange in confusion, and he (AN: Or is it she?) turned to Remus Lupin. (AN: Why is he here?) "Is this true… the things about Hermione and Harry?" he/she asked with concern, worrying over his/her favorite student.
"I don't know. Ask Sirius?" the werewolf responded, sipping his smoothie. (AN: Where on Earth did he get that?)
"I thought he was dead?" (AN: I thought that he was still an escaped prisoner.)
"Oops!" Lupin stated realizing his mistake. "Well, we only told Harry that so he would hate Voldemort more and hurry up and kill him."
Vector glanced at Riddle and McGonagall, who were snogging in the corner. "I don't really think you have to worry about him anymore."
"Yeah, but Harry is supposed to kill the Dark Lord. So there has to be one around here for him to vanquish." Remus replied and having finished his smoothie, opened a Snickers Bar and began eating it.
"Er… he is?" Vector asked, "Oh, you mean the prophecy." (AN: How did he/she know about that?)
"Yes," the werewolf answered through his peanuts and chocolate. "But maybe the prophecy meant him." He pointed to Filch.
"I am the Heir of Slytherin!" The janitor… er… groundskeeper bellowed. "And I am an evil Dark Lord, as well. I am so evil." (AN: Well, that is sort of true… the evil parts at least.) "Mrs. Norris and I shall rule the world."
Severus Snape rolled his eyes.
The headmaster, having heard enough, whipped out his wand and stunned Filch. The man crumbled to the floor and was silent. "Well, that's settled then."
"What should we do with him, Headmaster?" Snape asked with a hint of malice. (AN: Not that he ever speaks without malice.)
"I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?"
An evil look crossed Snape's face. "Let's give him to the Dementors."
"No, that is far too cruel." (AN: I assume he means that it would be cruel to the Dementors.)
Snape scowled and thought for a moment. "Let's give him to the Weasley twins then."
The headmaster nodded. "What an excellent suggestion. I think that you deserve a pay raise."
"But you don't even pay me," Severus interjected.
"So I don't," Albus answered happily, "but at least you get a nice tax write off."
Suddenly and unexpectedly (AN: well, not really considering the way this story is going), Argus Filch hopped up, "Ha, it will take more than a stunner to bring down the Heir of Slytherin, the Dark Lord, the almighty…"
A flash of neon green light hit Filch squarely between his shoulder blades, and he was catapulted into the far war. He slid down it and slumped to the floor, dead. (AN: Oh, thank Merlin.) All eyes in the Great Hall flickered to the person responsible for saving them all… Harry Potter.
"Well, he said he was the Dark Lord… and I was supposed to kill the Dark Lord," Harry stated.
Tom Riddle gazed at the body of Filch, "I am just glad I decided not to be the Dark Lord anymore. That looked rather painful."
"Not as painful as being turned into a pink and purple polka-dotted pineapple and then used to make Hawaiian Punch," Luna commented dreamily, looking pointedly at Professor Flitwick.
Flitwick, who wasn't paying any attention as he was slurping his fruity beverage, looked up in surprise when he heard his name. All eyes were focused on him.
"What?" He glanced at his drink, "I'm sorry, but I didn't have enough pineapples to make some for everyone."
And so the other Heir of Slytherin was defeated; the Dark Lord Filch was destroyed.
After the epic battle (AN: …er?), Albus Dumbledore retired from his position as headmaster and became a professional tenpin bowler. He lived to the ripe old age of two thousand, one hundred, and fifty nine, many people suspecting that he must be involved in Dark magic – either that or lemon drops are good for your health – to live so long.
Severus Snape eloped with his fiancée, Dementy the Dementor. The happy (AN: Um…) couple opened an amusement park, but the business venture was shorted lived as the owners seemed to suck all the fun out of their clients.
Tom Riddle and Minerva McGonagall married and had several children, all of whom strangely ended up in either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Tom Riddle went on to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts. (AN: Ironic isn't it.) Minerva became the new headmistress after the retirement of Albus and soon replaced Phineas Nigellus as the most unpopular Head of Hogwarts ever.
Filius Flitwick went on to turn several more annoying Divination Professors – as well as quite a number of other annoying people – into fruits and used them to make different kinds of punch. To this day, his Hawaiian Pineapple Surprise Punch remains a school favorite.
Ron Weasley lived the rest of his in relative peace, never speaking to Hermione or her rumored biological brother, Harry Potter, again. He eventually married his ex-professor (AN: Well, not really as he never took Arithmancy), Vector. To this day people are unsure if Vector is in fact a woman.
Gred and Forge Weasley continued with their joke shop eventually becoming millionaires. Their last reported sighting was at the destruction of the Sybill Trelawney memorial statue/palmistry stand/tea shop.
Remus Lupin joined the Weasley twins in their joke shop venture, becoming the richest werewolf in history. He and his mate, Sirius, were eventually hexed into oblivion by their godson Harry when he discovered that Sirius was in fact alive.
Hermione and Draco married and lived happily ever after, having surprisingly normal –albeit very intelligent, snarky, and prissy – children. They are rumored to have been involved in the assassinations of Ministers of Magic Cornelius Fudge and Percy Weasley, but there is no evidence to support those claims.
Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood married and went on to have many crazy adventures. Sadly, their lives were cut short due to a violent upheaval in the crumple-horned snorkacks population. They were survived by their children, who all went on to be super-human magical people who were all a bit loony. (AN: like you would expect anything else from their kids.)
And they all basically lived happily ever after… (AN: Well, except Filch and Trelawney, I guess.)