Stargate Voyager
by mermaid2bseeker


A crossover between Stargate SG-1 and Star Trek Voyager, takes place before Voyager made it back home.

Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to whoever, and Stargate belongs to someone else. Both of who(m) are not me. Basically, everything I use is not mine, I'm just borrowing it temporarily.

A/N: Throughout the story I will make references to various movies, book, tv shows, etc…See if you can spot them all, at the end of each chapter I'll list them.

A/N2: This is in no way an interactive entry, nor is it an MST-type entry. I'm only saying this because this story has been booted off this website twice, and the reasons given were that is was interactive or an MST.

A/N3: All I mention are song titles.


EPISODE ONE: CROSSING PATHS

SG-1

(SG-1 steps through the Stargate on PABC54321-90210-1-800-JENNY-CRAIG (all those numbers and letters which no one, not even the characters, or writers can keep straight).)

Jack 'Welcome to another planet which looks exactly like the wild wilderness of Canada, where they film our show.'

Daniel 'Eh?'

Jack 'Never mind.'

Sam 'Sir, I am picking up some strange readings with my weird T.V. remote control-looking device.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'What are they?'

Sam 'The little graphy thing on my screen says that they're radioactive rays which somehow appeared right as we stepped through the gate, because if the MALP had detected them beforehand we wouldn't be here right now, and that would be the end of our episode.'

Daniel 'It says all that?'

Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Well, if any of us had common sense, we'd retreat back through the gate, however for some unknown reason none of us seem to have been made with any, so let's go find out what's causing it.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Sam (presses some buttons on her little device thingy) 'This way.' (She points straight ahead of them.)

Voyager

The Starship Voyager does it's cute little 'rubber-band' snappy thing and comes out of warp. They circle around a planet which looks a lot like Earth, but isn't because if it was, that would be the end of their little adventure through the Delta Quadrant.

(Janeway walks out of her ready room onto the bridge with Chakotay behind her. Makes one think what they actually do in her ready room, as well as why they don't just call it an office like it is. They both sit in their chairs in the center of the room.)

Janeway (sees the giant planet on the screen) 'Report!'

Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.' (he mutters) 'Duh.'

Janeway 'What did you say?'

Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.'

Janeway 'No, after that.'

Harry (innocently) 'Nothing.'

Janeway (looks at him suspiciously) 'Life signs?'

Tuvok 'The planet appears to be abandoned, the sensors are only picking up plant and animal life.' (The computer panel bleeps.) 'The sensors have picked up four humanoid life signs on the northern continent.'

Janeway 'What are they doing?'

Tuvok 'They are apparently walking in large circles.'

Sg-1

Jack 'Admit it. We're lost.'

Sam 'We are not lost. I know exactly where we are.'

Jack 'Where are we, then?'

Sam (pointing to four little dots on the screen of her device) 'We're here.'

Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Where are we in relation to the Stargate?'

Sam 'Lost.'

Jack (smacks his head repeatedly against the nearest tree) 'Why, why, why, why? Why me?'

Teal'c 'Smacking one's head against a tree seems to be an unwise plan of action.'

Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent) 'BRILLIANT!'

(Everyone looks at him as if he's nuts.)

Jack (normally) 'What?'

Voyager

Janeway 'This planet could have something we need for our trip back home.'

Tom 'Like toilet paper?'

(Everybody cracks up laughing)

Janeway 'Vote time!'

(Everyone groans)

Janeway 'Raise your hand if you want to use the transporter which always breaks down everytime it's crucial to the plot, even though it's supposed to be a highly reliable piece of Federation technology.'

(No one raises their hand)

Janeway 'Or we could land the ship on the planet, even though that maneuver is only supposed to be used when there's no other options to get to the surface.'

(Everybody raises their hands)

Janeway (shrugs) 'Okay, we land.'

(The ship's lights dim, and yellow strips begin to flash.)

Janeway 'Computer, I didn't say 'yellow alert' yet.'

Computer 'Ooops. Sorry.'

Janeway 'Just don't let it happen again. I like feeling important.' (To Tom) 'Mr. Paris, initiate landing procedures.'

Tom 'Aye.' (He pushes some buttons on the panel in front of him.)

(Slowly the ship descends into the planet's atmosphere.)

Sg-1

Daniel 'What's that?' (points to a white streak descending into the sky)

Jack (looks through his binoculars) 'Looks like a U.L.S.'

Sam and Daniel (together) 'U.L.S.?'

Jack 'Yeah. Unidentified landing spaceship.'

(Sam and Daniel groan)

Jack (looking at them) 'What?'

Teal'c 'That was not a good joke.'

Voyager

(Aerial view of a model of Voyager settled on the ground, teeny-tiny things walking away from it.)

Mexican Flea Leader 'Arriba, Arriba, Arriba. Come on muchachos, I smell humans!'

Mexican Fleas (as one) 'Yaaaaayyyyyy!'

Second Unit Director Who Works For Paramount Studios (looks down at Voyager miniature) 'Hey Bob! What are these black things moving about on the model.'

Bob (Second Unit Chief Modeling Technician) (walks over, looks at model) 'Oh, shit, they're fleas.'

(Everyone in the studio panics, screams, runs around like chickens with their heads cut off)

Narrator 'Well, that was insane.'

(All the main characters of the Voyager series (sans Kes, duh) walk away from the landed Voyager, leaving a bunch of yellow-shirted officers who will most likely never make it back to Earth in charge of bridge operations.)

Seven of Nine (looks at her tricorder) 'I am detecting lots of energy being emitted, two kilometres in front of us.'

Chakotay 'How much is a lot?'

Seven 'In terms of errgs or joules?'

Chakotay 'In terms of…lots.'

Seven 'Lots of lots. Enough to open a wormhole back to Earth.'

Harry 'A wormhole back to Earth?'

(Tom rolls his eyes)

Tuvok (looks over Seven's shoulder at her tricorder) 'There is no way to know that with these readings.' (He looks at the display sideways, as if trying to see which way it makes more sense.) 'There is no way to know anything from these readings, they're complete gibberish.'

(Everyone walks toward Seven and looks at her tricorder.)

Janeway 'Is that Pac-Man?'

B'Elanna 'I don't think Pac-Man has little figures of Borg cubes.'

Seven 'I altered the original program to create this version.'

Harry 'Uhhh, about the wormhole…'

Janeway 'Right!' (Looks around at everyone, wondering if they noticed that she was 'stooped to their level') 'Seven, I don't want to see that game out again, or else… uhhhhh… I'll take it away from you.'

Everyone 'Awwwwnnnnnn.'

(Seven opens her mouth to protest, closes it, puts on a pouty face)

Janeway 'Don't look at me like that.'

(Seven composes herself)

Janeway 'Good. Now about this wormhole.'

Seven 'I never said the energy was a wormhole, I said the energy was enough to create a wormhole.'

Harry 'I feel it is my mission in life to point out wormholes (he does the air-quotes) back to Earth, and then get you lot to explore them.'

Janeway 'Well, since it has been a slow week, I suppose it couldn't hurt to investigate the energy signs. Plus, if we don't Harry will bug us all to death about it.'

Harry 'I would not.'

Tom 'Oh, please.'

(Harry looks like a sad puppy)

Sg-1

(The four members of Sg-1 walk to a highly convenient hill, where they can watch the 'spacecraft' without any of its passengers seeing them.)

Jack (looks through his binoculars) 'Well, they look mostly human.'

Daniel 'Mostly?' (he pulls out his own pair of binoculars)

(He sees a large group of people walking away from a large spacecraft. Most of the nine people in the group were human. Although there was a weird dog-man who looked a lot like Barf from Spaceballs, as well as an african male with very weird ears, a woman with malformed horns on her forehead, and a blonde haired woman with…)

Daniel 'Uhhh, Jack. Look at the blonde.'

Jack 'Daniel this is no time for sightseeing.' (continues to look at the ship)

Daniel 'tsk No! I think she's a replicator.'

Jack (turns and looks at Daniel through binoculars) 'What?'

Daniel (points) 'Look.'

(Jack looks back at the group)

(The blonde woman was wearing a tight one piece grey suit. One of her hands had what looked like the top half of a Goa'uld ribbon device on it, except it was black.)

Voyager

Seven (sees something through her borgified eye piece, then pushes some buttons on the tricorder) 'Captain.'

(Janeway turns to Seven)

Seven (almost whispering) 'I am detecting four lifesigns watching us from over that hill.'

Janeway 'Can you determine what they are?'

Seven (pushes another button, the tricorder bleeps, bloops, bopps, and self-detonates.) 'What the…!'

Sg-1

Jack 'Did you see that?'

Sam 'Yes.'

Jack 'What was that?'

Daniel 'It looked like some sort of explosion.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'Well, since they're either Goa'uld or Replicators, I haven't decided which yet, they're obviously out to get us.'

Sam 'That explosion must have been a bomb of some sort, and it must have been meant for us.'

Daniel 'The blond didn't plan for it to go off so soon after activation, which is why she was caught off guard.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'Well, whatever they are, they're obviously our enemies, and they're obviously going to try to get through the gate to destroy Earth.'

Sam 'Sir, if we kill them now, they can't kill us later.'

Daniel (mutters) 'That was brillant.'

Jack 'Good idea. Okay here's the plan…'

Voyager

B'Elanna (looks at the remains of Seven's tricorder) 'I have determined what happened to it.'

Chakotay 'What happened?'

B'Elanna 'It exploded.'

Harry (to Tom) 'She's brilliant.'

Tom (smugly) 'That's part of why I married her.' (He removes a small square-like device from his pocket, holds it to shoulder level, then pushes a button on it.)

(TAA-DAH, cool special effect. Suddenly the Doctor appears.)

(Everyone stares at the doc, and cracks up laughing.)

Doctor (looks around at everyone) 'What is so funny?' (he doesn't realize that his mobile emitter has somehow malfunctioned.)

Tom (trips backward over a rock while laughing, lands on the ground) 'Ow.' (he's laughing so hard he can barely breath) 'Wooooooo, laughs I can't breath.'

Narrator 'I just said that.'

Doctor (looks slightly annoyed) 'I am a doctor, not a jokebook. Would someone please tell me what they find so amusing about me.'

(Tom gets up)

Harry (just getting over a fit of the giggles) 'Oh, nothing…..Ma'am.'

(Everyone starts laughing again.)

Doctor 'Ma'am!'

Harry (between laughs) 'Look down.'

(Doctor looks down at his clothes. Somehow the mobile emitter, instead of projecting him in the image of his creator, Dr. Zimmerman, is projecting him as an old lady wearing a long green dress with a fox-fur scarf and a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on top.)

Doctor 'What's happened to my program?'

B'Elanna (walks over and checks his mobile emitter) 'Well, it looks as if your emitter projector has somehow been tampered with.' (she and the doctor both look to Tom)

Tom 'What? It wasn't me.'

B'Elanna 'Unfortunatly, I can't fix it here, I need tools that are on Voyager.'

Doctor 'Just leave it until we get back.'

B'Elanna 'Okay'

Doctor 'Although, can you get rid of the hat.'

B'Elanna 'Sure.' (she pushes a series of commands into the emitter, and the vulture hat disappears and is replaced by a bun of grey hair.)

(Doctor sighs)

Sg-1

Daniel 'Are we sure this plan will work?'

Jack 'Of course, what could go wrong?'

Daniel (counts off on his fingers) 'They could see it coming and hide, they could attack us before we could defend ourselves, we could get killed… do I have to go on?'

Jack 'Mister Negative.'

Daniel 'At least I'm being realistic, here. Tell, me. (points to his clothes) How does us wearing pink tu-tus fit into this attack plan of yours?'

Jack 'Easy. They'll be so distracted by the tu-tus, they won't see our attack.'

Daniel (sarcastically) 'Right.'

Voyager

Tuvok (looks at his tricorder) 'Four humanoid figures are closing in on our position.'

Janeway (pretending to be concerned) 'Where?'

Tuvok 'Three clicks in front of us.'

Tom ''Clicks?' What are you, in the military?'

Harry (smacks Tom upside the head) 'Why do you think we use military time, and have military ranks? Starfleet's just a futurized name for the military.'

Tom 'Ohhhhh, yeeaahh. Oops, my bad.'

Tuvok 'They're getting closer.'

Chakotay 'Phasers out.'

(Everyone (except Doctor and Neelix, who don't have phasers) take out their phasers.)Harry fumbles to get his out of its holster. In the process, the phaser turns sideways and fires. The beam curves around Seven, and heads in Voyager's direction. It hits an unnamed yellow-shirted ensign who's taking a smoke break outside the ship, and kills him.)

Chakotay 'Well, it's about time. It's been three days since the last yellowshirted ensign died.'

Janeway 'Too true.'

Harry 'Does this mean I'm off the hook?'

Tom (puts arm around Harry's shoulder) 'Yes, Harry. You're not going to be sacrificed after all.'

Harry 'Woo-hoo.'

(Suddenly four humanoid figures wearing pink tu-tus jump out from behind trees and runs like lunatics towards the group. One of the tu-tued people does a Xena attack-cry.)

Seven 'Don't kill them.'

Janeway 'What?'

(The big african tu-tu runs and tries to hit the doctor. The tu-tu, carried by his own weight falls through the doctor's hologram and lands on his face.)

(Doctor sighs)

(Seven stuns the fallen tu-tu)

(Chakotay does impressive, albeit, unnecessary stunts, stuns the blonde attacker)

Harry (for some unknown reason, his phaser malfunctions, therefore he is unable to stun the attacker that's biting his leg) 'Owwwwww. Some help over here, please.'

(Tom fires his phaser at the tu-tu on Harry's leg.)

Jack (looks, shocked, at Neelix) 'Oh my god. It's an Elton John dog-man.'

(Janeway stuns Jack)


References mentioned in Episode One:

1) Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent) 'BRILLIANT!' Refers to the popular Guiness Beer commercials.

2) Chakotay 'How much is a lot?'…
Seven 'Lots of lots. Enough to open a wormhole back to Earth.' Refers to the Stargate Atlantis episode: 'Home.'

3) Sam 'Sir, if we kill them now, they can't kill us later.' Semi-reference to Stargate SG-1 episode: 'Moebius.' Jack says to Sam "If I kill him Ra now, I won't have to do it in 5,000 years."

4) (Somehow the mobile emitter, instead of projecting him in the image of his creator, Dr. Zimmerman, is projecting him as an old lady wearing a long green dress with a fox-fur scarf and a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on top.) Reference to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

5) Tom ''Clicks?' What are you, in the military?' Line from the movie Evolution.


A/N: Please review.