Well, here it is. The last chapter. Finally, after many years and many revisions, this story is finished.
When I posted this chapter, I also posted a revised Episode Four. That chapter now has a different ending which you all should read before you get to this one.
EPISODE FIVE: SPARKS FLY
(The two crews have seperated to do whatever they need to do to get Voyager to their correct time.)
Voyager, Briefing room
Chakotay 'How do we know we can trust them?'
Tuvok 'They did appear out of nowhere.'
Tom 'It's not like we haven't been duped before.'
Janeway 'They claim to have a way to get us home.'
(Everybody looks at him.)
B'Elanna 'There is that whole underlying issue of how some of us don't want to go back to Earth, you know.'
Icheb 'I might not be accepted there.'
Doctor 'Nor would I be.'
Harry 'Nonsense. Don't you remember what the Barclay-hologram said? There'll be a ticker-tape parade.'
Tom 'You do know that the Barclay-gram was evil, right? He was lying to us to get Seven's nanobots'
Harry 'What?' (looks like a boy who's been told Christmas is canceled)
Neelix 'I could open my own restaurant in the alpha quadrant.'
Doctor 'Just don't use anymore Jalapeno (pronounces it with a 'j' sound: ja-la-pi-no) peppers when you cook the food.'
(Ssssshhhhnnnggggg.Suddenly, in a flash of white light Q appears, wearing only a Flintstones-print thong.)
Q (voice echoing as he appears) 'Honey, I'm ready.' (the sight of the crew startles him) 'Ahh, Kathy.'
Janeway 'So this is what you do in your free time?'
Chakotay 'Nice change of uniform, there, Q.'
Q 'What?' (looks down) 'Oh.' (snaps his fingers, reappears in a Starfleet captain's uniform) 'Sorry about that. I was aiming for….somewhere else. (snaps his fingers, disappears)
Harry 'I think I'm blind.'
Sg-1 at the DHD
(Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c are sitting on the ground in a circle under the shade of a tree. Sam is sitting on a rock next to the DHD, surrounded by crystals and tools.)
Jack (pulls out a deck of cards) 'How's it coming, Carter?'
Sam 'I just started.'
Jack 'Good.' (to the others) 'How 'bout a game of gin?'
Daniel 'I'm not good at gin.'
Jack 'Good.' (deals the cards)
(The crystals in the opened DHD crackle and send a bolt of electricity through the laptop that's connected to them, and into Sam, throwing her backwards onto the ground.)
(Both of them rush over to her. Teal'c takes the opportunity to peak at their cards while they're away.)
Sam (gets up, shakes her head) 'Whoa.'
Daniel 'You okay?'
Sam 'Not gonna do that again.'
Jack (pats her hair which is standing on end) 'Sammy, the human piece of toast.'
Jack 'I thought so.'
(They start making googly eyes at each other. The Jack-Sam-romance theme song plays.)
Daniel (rolls eyes) 'God, why don't you two just make-out and get it over with?'
Sam 'Because our sexual tension is the only thing holding this show together.'
Daniel 'Well it's driving me nuts.'
Jack 'It's not like anyone's going to find out about this.'
(The two of them start making out, I mean really making out. They are all over each other. Teal'c passes some popcorn to Daniel as they watch. Out of nowhere Tom Arnold (from The Best Damn Sports Show Ever) and Jimmy Kimmel (from The Man Show) join them and start commentating.)
Narrator 'Hey! This ain't a peep show. Give them some privacy.'
(The crew are watching SG-1 from the Mess Hall window. The Stargate is clearly visible. As a matter of fact if the starship had landed just thirty meters to the left, the stargate would have been squished.)
Chakotay 'How did we miss that thing?'
Janeway 'Hey, I just give the orders, I don't pilot the damn ship.' (looks to Tom)
Tom 'What? I just push the buttons so it looks good on camera. I don't know what I'm doing.'
Harry 'Wait, so who pilots the ship?'
Seven 'Who cares.'
B'Elanna 'I don't think they're working on the stargate.'
Tuvok 'It looks like they're working on each other.'
Doctor (stares out window) 'Wow. Is that even anatomically possible?'
Tom 'Apparently it is.'
Doctor 'Captain, request permission to modify my program.'
Janeway 'Yeah, sure.'
(The Doctor skips off happily.)
B'Elanna (suggestively) 'Tom, I need your help in engineering.'
Tom (oblivious) 'Me?'
B'Elanna "Yes you, and me, in Engineering.
Tom 'Oh, right.'
(They hurry out of the mess hall giggling like idiots.)
Seven 'Commander, could you assist me in Astrometrics?'
Chakotay 'Of course.'
(They leave with a professional attitude, but once in the corridor they run like madmen.)
Harry (eyes go wide, he knows why the others left) 'Yes, captain.'
Janeway 'Relax. It's not that. I want you to assist SG-1 in their modifications to the Stargate.'
Harry 'Yes, captain.'
Janeway 'Oh and take a couple of yellow-shirted personnel with you, just in case.'
(Harry leaves. Janeway watches out the window for a few more seconds then leaves. Neelix comes out of the galley with a pot of steaming Something-or-other.)
Neelix (to himself) 'Where'd everyone go?' (sees Tuvok) 'Oh, Mr. Vulcan, could you help me clean up in the galley?'
Narrator 'Okay. Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. We are so not going there.'
SG-1 at the DHD
(Daniel, Teal'c, and Harry are playing cards with their eyes closed. Jimmy and Tom having left long ago, and the other yellow-shirted ensigns having died long ago.)
Daniel 'Do you have a Five?'
Teal'c 'Go fish.'
(Daniel picks up a card.)
Teal'c (to Harry) 'Do you have a Queen?'
Harry 'Damn it.' (Hands Teal'c his queen.)
(The moaning and rustling noises in the background stop.)
Daniel 'Hey guys, is it safe to look, yet?'
Jack 'Just about.'
(Faint music begins to play.)
Harry 'That sounds familiar.'
Teal'c (looking at Jack and Sam) 'It should.'
(Daniel and Harry look at Jack and Sam. Jack's on one kneewith a ring in his hand. The music gets louder. Sam's crying and nods her head. The music gets louder. Jack puts the ring on her finger. Louder. Jack and Sam embrace tightly. The music reaches a crescendo while fireworks explode brillantly in the sky.)
(Someone sniffles. Daniel and Harry look to each other, then to Teal'c who's dabbing his eyes.)
Daniel 'Are you crying?'
Teal'c 'Yes, what of it?'
Daniel (quickly) 'Nothing.'
Harry 'Oh, a wedding, I love weddings. Drinks all around.'
(An orange shuttle craft appears on the ground next to the gate.)
Everyone 'What the hell?"
(A ray gun pops up out of the craft and shoots a huge beam. The beam travels across the land and Voyager. It makes everyone fall unconscious.)
Larry 'Too easy.' (hits a button labelled 'Master Reset.')
SG-1 circa 2004
(SG-1 steps through the Stargate on PABC54321-90210-1-800-JENNY-CRAIG)
Jack 'Welcome to another planet which looks exactly like the wild wilderness of Canada, where they film our show.'
Jack 'Never mind.'
Sam 'Sir, I am picking up some strange readings with my weird T.V. remote control-looking device.'
Jack 'What are they?'
Sam 'The little graphy thing on my screen says that they're radioactive rays which somehow appeared right as we stepped through the gate, because if the MALP had detected them beforehand we wouldn't be here right now, and that would be the end of our episode.'
Daniel 'It says all that?'
Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Well, if any of us had common sense, we'd retreat back through the gate, however for some unknown reason none of us seem to have been made with any, so let's go find out what's causing it.'
Sam (presses some buttons on her little device thingy) 'This way.' (She points straight ahead of them.)
Voyager circa 2370
(The Starship Voyager does it's cute little 'rubber-band' snappy thing and comes out of warp. They circle around a planet which looks a lot like Earth, but isn't because if it was, that would be the end of their little adventure through the Delta Quadrant.)
(Janeway walks out of her ready room onto the bridge with Chakotay behind her.)
Janeway (sees the giant planet on the screen) 'Report!'
Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.' (he mutters) 'Duh.'
Janeway 'What did you say?'
Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.'
Janeway 'No, after that.'
Harry (innocently) 'Nothing.'
Janeway (looks at him suspiciously) 'Life signs?'
Tuvok 'The planet appears to be abandoned, the sensors are only picking up plant and animal life.'
Janeway 'Anything interesting? Like abandoned civilizations? Booby trapped stasis chambers? Giant memory memorials?'
Tuvok 'No captain, nothing that could get us into trouble.'
Janeway 'Oh. Well, then, continue our present course to the alpha quadrant. We'll see if anything exciting happens tomorrow.'
(The Starship Voyager does its cute little rubber band snappy thing and enters warp.)
SG-1 later that day, still 2004
Jack 'Admit it. We're lost.'
Sam 'We are not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Jack 'Where are we, then?'
Sam (pointing to four little dots on the screen of her device) 'We're here.'
Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Where are we in relation to the Stargate?'
Jack (smacks his head repeatedly against the nearest tree)'Why, why, why, why? Why me?'
Teal'c 'Smacking one's head against a tree seems to be an unwise plan of action.'
Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent)'BRILLIANT!'
(Everyone looks at him as if he's nuts.)
Jack (normally) 'What?'
Sam 'You really need to lay off the beer, sir.'
Walter Davis/Harriman '…chevron seven locked.'
(The gate kawooshes open)
General Hammond (into microphone) 'SG-1, why haven't you dialed in for your scheduled check-in.'
Jack 'We can't find the gate, sir.'
Jack 'We're lost.'
Hammond 'We'll have a UAV ready in ten minutes to guide you back.'
(The gate shuts down.)
Hammond (smacks forehead) 'I work with children.'
(SG-1 has been examined and are about to leave to go home.)
Janet Fraiser 'Sam could you stay here a minute, I'd like to talk to you.'
(The others leave.)
Sam 'What is it?'
Janet 'Well, I just got your blood work back.'
Sam 'What's wrong?'
Janet 'You're pregnant.'
Sam 'WHAT!' (the entire level hears her)
(Concerned, the others rush back into the infirmary, but remain unnoticed by the women.)
Sam 'I haven't had sex in a while, how can that be.'
(The guys' eyebrows shoot up.)
Janet 'I ran the test twice.'
Sam 'Who's the father?'
Janet 'Jack O'Neill.'
Jack and Sam 'WHAT!'
Jack (walks up to them) 'We've never done it. I swear.'
Janet 'Then how else could this have happened?'
(A minute passes as everyone thinks real hard, a cricket chirps.)
Sam 'The Stargate did it.'
Narrator (double take) 'Huh, was that in the script?'
(Everyone checks script book.)
Narrator 'Yes, yes. Continue.'
Sam 'Yeah, the Stargate dematerializes matter for transit, then rematerializes it on the other end. What if it mixed some of Jack sperm with some of my eggs?'
Daniel (to Teal'c) 'Are we allowed to say that stuff on TV?'
Teal'c 'I do not know DanielJackson.'
Janet 'Don't you think that's a bit farfetched? Besides it's no secret you two love each other. You shouldn't be ashamed to admit it.'
Jack 'I swear. Sam, me, sex, never.'
Sam 'Stranger things have happened on this show.'
(Suddenly, everyone disappears in a flash of white light. In their places appear two men. One with red hair and one with a beret.)
Jamie 'I have to say, I was really surprised with the results.'
Adam 'Yeah, me too. So I guess it is plausible to mess with Temporal Causality with no ill effects.'
(A piece of welded metal labelled 'Plausible' appears on screen for a few seconds)
(The two men look around the infirmary for the first time.)
Adam 'Oops, I might have spoken too soon.'
Jamie 'If we're here, then who's in our shop?'
Jack 'This place is so cool.'
Sam 'Is that a hover craft?'
Daniel 'Hey, look. Pyramid power.'
(Teal'c oogles the weapons case.)
References mentioned in Episode Five:
1) Harry 'Nonsense. Don't you remember what the Barclay-hologram said? There'll be a ticker-tape parade.' Reference to some season seven Star Trek Voyager episode.
2) Doctor 'Just don't use anymore Jalapeno (pronounces it with a 'j' sound: ja-la-pi-no) peppers when you cook the food.' Reference to another Star Trek Voyager episode.
3) Jack 'Good.' (to the others) 'How 'bout a game of gin?'
Daniel 'I'm not good at gin.'…Lines from Stargate Sg-1 episode: 'Legacy.'
4) Jack (pats her hair which is standing on end) 'Sammy, the human piece of toast.' Reference to the movie Jurassic Park.
5) Harry 'Oh, a wedding, I love weddings. Drinks all around.' Reference to Pirates of the Caribbean.
6) Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent)'BRILLIANT!' reference to Guiness beer commercials
7) Narrator (double take) 'Huh, was that in the script?'
(Everyone checks script book.) reference to Robin Hood Men in Tights
8) (Suddenly, everyone disappears in a flash of white light. In their places appear two men. One with red hair and one with a beret.) … (A piece of welded metal labelled 'Plausible' appears on screen for a few seconds) reference to Mythbusters