The Joys of Spare Time
By Jax Wilensky
Chapter One: Darth Polyester
Setting: Pre-Phantom Menace
Disclaimer: Don't own Star Wars. Yupper-doodles.
Qui-Gon Jinn strode purposefully through the bustling marketplace of Mos Espa, his eyes set on the end of the road. Obi-Wan Kenobi followed, somewhat less enthusiastic. His slightly eccentric master often took him on completely random missions to help completely random causes, and the Padawan assumed that this was no different. Despite this, however, Obi-Wan was still curious.
He tapped Qui-Gon lightly on the shoulder. "Master?" he started inquisitively. As though he knew what his Padawan was going to say next, the Jedi said, "We are on a mission, my young Padawan learner, and an important one at that". "Oh?" Obi-Wan said, tactfully neglecting to mention the fact that they hadn't actually been assigned a mission (by the Jedi Council, at least). "And what is our mission, master?"
"To simultaneously bother and amuse the citizens of this planet", said Qui-Gon calmly, keeping a completely straight face. "Really", Obi-Wan said indignantly, "And how are we to do that, master?". "Watch and learn, my Padawan", Qui-Gon replied as he scanned the people milling around the various stored and stands.
Qui-Gon selected a short, thin humanoid with greasy purple hair, clad in a yellow polyester bodysuit, complete with pale fringe on the sleeves and legs. The Jedi beckoned to the man, who came forward with an expression of hungry interest. "Hello, friend", Qui-Gon said warmly, before stooping down from his considerable to the violet-haired man's level and whispering in his ear. Despite his sharp hearing, Obi-Wan barely heard the words his master spoke to the yellow-clad human.
"Your name is Darth Polyester", said Qui-Gon quietly. "My name is Darth Polyester", repeated Darth Polyester obediently.
Curious of his master's intentions, Obi-Wan cleared his mind, and looked to the Force for guidance, but it seemed that even it had no idea what the hell Qui-Gon was going to do next. The Force, being immensely frustrated by its inability to predict Qui-Gon's actions, decided it needed a vacation and went away for a little while.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon continued with his senseless humiliation of Darth Polyester. "Your name is Darth Polyester, and you lost your right testicle in a game of poker", he continued. Darth Polyester repeated the words dutifully. Obi-Wan suppressed a shudder.
"Your name is Darth Polyester; you lost your right testicle in a game of poker…" Qui-Gon said once again, trailing off for a moment before resuming, "And you want the whole galaxy to know it!"
At that, Darth Polyester dashed into the center of the road onto a large wooden platform, and stood with his head back and legs spread, bodysuit-fringe billowing dramatically in the breeze.
"MY NAME IS DARTH POLYESTER! I LOST MY RIGHT TESTICLE IN A GAME OF POKER! AND I WANT THE WHOLE GALAXY TO KNOW IT!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He then gave Qui-Gon a thumbs-up, grinning stupidly.
Now, while this outburst may not seem particularly earth(planet?)-shattering, one must consider the usual sounds on the planet of Corellia: aside from the occasional squabble over just how many credits a pickled bantha tongue was worth, the decibel level was never exactly sky-high (Nor was it ever caused by men with purple hair in yellow polyester suits screaming about their testicles, but whatever).
This highly odd declaration from Darth Polyester, unsurprisingly, sparked quite a reaction. The entire marketplace became deathly silent; in fact, the only sound to be heard was the dull thud of Obi-Wan repeatedly whacking his head against the wall of a building.
This period of awkward silence was immediately followed by a smattering of murmurs amongst the crowd. A woman wearing what looked like a bird on her head could be heard instructing her infant child that he would be left out of her will if he ever wore such a "hideous getup" in public. The baby smiled and gurgled, but his mother didn't understand baby language, which was rather fortunate for her, because the translation was "Just watch me, biatch".
Looking immensely pleased with himself, Darth Polyester hopped down from the platform, just as activity began to resume. He strode towards Qui-Gon and his Padawan, but stopped abruptly at the unmistakable sound of a large rampaging animal of some kind.
And a large rampaging animal it was indeed; a very angry bantha came stampeding through the barely-recovered crowd, bowling over all in its way. And one of those in its way was the most unfortunate Darth Polyester, who, still more unfortunately, had such a fear of banthas that he was frozen to the spot
Stepping in boldly, Obi-Wan tried to remove Darth Polyester from the line of fire via the Force. The Force, however, was still on vacation, so Darth Polyester was mercilessly run over and then disemboweled.
The two Jedi would later learn that the bantha was upset because its tongue had been severed, pickled, and then haggled over (in its presence, no less!).
Surveying the carnage, Qui-Gon turned swiftly on his heel and beckoned to his Padawan, who followed silently, rather slack-jawed and with a large lump on his head.
"Let us leave, Obi-Wan. Mission accomplished".
A/N: So, yeah. Seems I'm rather rusty with my writing in general.
RIP, Darth Polyester. We never knew ye.
I'll update soon. Or, I'll try to update soon. It depends on how clingy I get to my soon-to-come Phantom of the Opera DVD.