Poker Night
by Jennamajig

SUMMARY: Never play poker against Elizabeth Weir.
SEASON/SPOILERS: Season One. No spoilers.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Pure humor fluff and silliness that came to me on my work to work this morning and was penned and proofread during my lunch hour. The companion to Weary is still pending :).

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis or anything associated with it. I'm simply borrowing, but I promise to return all in one piece. Eventually.

Elizabeth wanted to ask Carson Beckett a question so naturally she headed to the infirmary. It was after ten p.m., but she knew the doctor was working the last shift. It was no surprise to see the light on in his office, since the infirmary had no current patients, but she was surprised that he wasn't in it.

That's when she saw the light peeking out from underneath the door of what she knew led to a supply room designated by Carson himself. It was odd that the door was shut though, if the physician was in there doing a tally. She knew the man always left it open, especially if he was in it.

"No way! That's statistically impossible!"

"Rodney, you're just saying that because you lost."

"I demand a recount."

"There are no recounts in poker, McKay. I knew this was a bad idea."

"I think bringing him was brilliant idea."

"You're just happy because you keep winning, Zelunka, and-"

"It's Zelenka!" She heard three voices chorus in unison.

She blinked. No, they couldn't.

A poker game? And they didn't invite her? Well, then, she needed to fix this.

She gripped the door handle and opened the door, revealing a small table surrounded by bodies. Carson was indeed there, yes, but so were John Sheppard, Rodney, Zelenka, Bates, Ford, and Peter Grodin. Cards were laid out on the table, cups were strewn about, and Bates was even smoking a cigar, although Elizabeth didn't have clue where he'd get such an item.

A regular boy's night in, complete with every stereotype you saw on a sitcom. She cleared her throat.

All the men jumped. There were several cries of "Elizabeth" and "Dr. Weir."

"A little last night entertainment?"

"Yes, exactly," Sheppard answered, not batting an eyelash. "No rules against a little friendly gambling in the Pegasus galaxy."

"No," she agreed, "but I do happen to do know that at least one of you is supposed to be on duty." She saw Carson look guilty down at her remark.

"It's not Beckett's fault. Rodney wouldn't let us play in his lab and this was next biggest place," John said with a weak shrug.

"Besides, the infirmary is empty, for a change, in case you hadn't noticed, Elizabeth," Rodney chimed in. "Now if you don't mind I've lost my coffee stash for this week and I want to get it back before a certain Czech has a chance to use it."

"Ah, you are too late," Zelanka answered with a smile, holding up a cup. "But, it does not matter because you play poorly and would have never gotten it back."

"Hey! I'm learning."

"Yeah, slowly," Bates commented as he flicked his cigar, leaving ash on ground. Carson visibly blanched.

"Sergeant, ashtray!" Bates gave an apologetic shrug.

"Give it up, Doc. You're so down you've got nothing left to bet," Ford said, gathering up the cards from the last hand and shuffling them with an amount of expertise.

John looked back to her. "Elizabeth. I just won a portion of Grodin's secret Cadbury stash. Go away and I promise I'll share."

"Not if I win it back," Grodin muttered.

"Relax, Major. You can have your game..."

"Good. Now can we deal, Ford, sometime this week?"

"...but I'm not leaving."

"Ford, deal - What?"

She smiled. "Like I said, I'm not mad. I am, however, a little offended you didn't invite me."

"Guys night, Elizabeth," John told her. "No girls allowed."

She shook her head and smiled. "I want in."

"You're a girl," Carson told her, seeming surprised by her comment.

"Thank you, Carson, I am well aware of that. I'm also not leaving." She looked at John. "So?"

Sheppard blinked, and seemed to take in this piece of information. He then gestured with his hands for all the men present come closer. They formed a huddle and Elizabeth heard muddled voices. They finally brought apart.

"You're in."

She nodded and sat down in the car afforded her. "We play my way."

"No way!" Rodney protested. "You're already playing. We are not changing the rules."

She raised an eyebrow. "Is that a still in the corner?" She watched Zelenka pale and run towards it. The rest of the men exchanged a glance.

John sighed. "Deal. What exactly is your way?"

She smirked again. "Oh, you'll see."


Thirty minutes later, she was winning. By a large amount. But she wasn't up chocolate or coffee, oh no. It was much better.

"Full house, aces and tens."

She'd never seen John Sheppard's face turn a brighter shade of red. She rubbed her hands together and grinned wickedly.

"Pay up. I won your underpants fair and square, Major."


"Those are the rules. You all agreed to them."

Around her, several men of Atlantis were is various styles of undress and she had a proud pile of shirts, socks, belts, pants, and even Carson's lab coat in her possession. Every man was shirtless, and Grodin and Bates were sans pants as well. Carson and Rodney had begun to fold constantly after Elizabeth had won John's pants. Only Zelenka still possessed a decent amount of clothing and he'd surprised her with his decent poker abilities.

"Yes, the question of course being why," Rodney muttered, "Of course she'd hustle us. It's your fault, Major."

"No way!" Six angry glares met his. "We all agreed," he said, "and we outnumber her, you know."

Six eyes shared a glance and then six voices shouted, "just drop 'em!"

Elizabeth swore John grew even redder as he reached below the table and lifted his hips off the chair just enough to get what he needed, but not enough to give the room a peep show. The 'prize' was shoved across the tabletop.

"Tasmanian devils? I never would have guessed," she teased adding the boxers to her pile. She let them stare a moment, then stood up and swept the pile into her arms. "It's late. I'll see all you in the morning."

She stood in the door and watched them all gape a moment. "You can pick your belongings in my office in the morning after I've displayed my winnings."

"You wouldn't."

She gave a shrug. "You'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Good night all." She started to head out into the main infirmary.

"But what about now," she heard John squeak.

She stopped, looked at her pile, pulled out a sock, and tossed it on the table. "I think that'll work."

She darted out before Sheppard had a chance to respond.


Further A/N - I give brownie points to anyone else who wants to write another gen story using the phrase - "I won your underpants fair and square, Major."