Disclaimer- Evangelion belongs to Gainax Studios and a whole host of other entities I'm too lazy to name.
Warning: Contains slight dirty humor and language, and a helping of OOCness.
The true power of Tokyo Municipal High School's Class 2-A, known by the name Hikari Horaki, surveyed her domain. All seemed right with the world. Asuka was sitting at her desk, looking bored, Ayanami was looking out the window, a few of the guys were joking, Touji and Kensuke were standing in front of Ikari's empty desk-
She paused and doubled back. Ikari wasn't here? Curious, she stepped over to her German friend. "Asuka, where's Ikari?" the class representative asked.
The redhead cast an annoyed glance towards her brown haired friend. "How should I know? He was being extra slow today, so I left without him." She drawled, a tone of absolute boredom in her voice. "Maybe he was sick or something."
Still, the issue was still pressing. Hikari looked out at who remained. Touji and Kensuke?
"Sorry, haven't heard from him all weekend."
Were the responses she was given.
So that left...
While not enamored with the blue haired girl, Hikari liked the fact that Ayanami never caused trouble, or even talked during lessons. Then again, that was also why she wasn't Hikari's favorite person.
But, her job as class rep demanded she do her duty. It wasn't like Ayanami was scary, either.
"Um... Ayanami?" Hikari asked quietly, drawing the attention of the blue haired girl.
"Yes, Miss Horaki?" she replied questioningly.
"Have you... do you know why Ikari isn't here today?"
Rei shook her head. "I am sorry, but I have not had intercourse with Ikari recently."
The classroom stopped dead, as the sound of jaws dropping echoed throughout the hallways, followed by numerous people falling on their faces.
Afterwards, silence descended upon the school, indeed, perhaps throughout the entire city.
And then, like the calm before the storm, it was broken in a tide of voices.
"Shinji's the man!"
"He's so lucky! Living with Misato and scoring with Rei!"
Slowly, Hikari turned towards one person she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would not take this news well.
Asuka Langely Sohryu had actually stopped everything, and had gone almost as pale as Rei. Her eyes were wide with shock, and pure disbelief was rampant on her features.
But, like the previous calm, it was broken, but in a most peculiar manner.
The redhead's eyes flashed with a myriad of emotions. Betrayal, anger, jealousy, sadness...
"You little slut!" Asuka snarled, leaping from her chair to deliver her mighty slap-
Which Rei blocked calmly, impassively with one hand, grasping the irate Second Child's wrist. "I am not a slut. I have merely stated I have not had any intercourse with Pilot Ikari since Friday."
"You-you..." the pilot of Unit 02 stopped, tears welling in her eyes. Without a word, she stormed out of the classroom, screaming profanities as she left.
Small children, animals, birds, and Section Two agents scattered in her wake.
Elsewhere, in the biggest, emptiest office man has ever built...
Gendo Ikari was not a man easily shaken. Death threats, screamed profanities, the hatred of his only son... all of it never even fazed the Supreme Commander of NERV.
This was man who gambled with the lives of every human being on a daily basis, who worked for and against Seele, and who managed to look damn imposing just by sitting at a desk all day.
Right now, he was busy scrambling back into his chair, having fallen out of it with shock.
His second in command, Sub Commander Fuyutsuki, who normally looked like a stone statue, was trying desperately not to fall to the ground laughing. Currently, he was still struggling with sniggers.
"Say that again, agent?" the Commander drawled disbelievingly.
"The First Child has stated she has not had... intercourse with the Third for a few days sir." The agent replied, struggling to hold back a laugh.
At this point, Gendo was torn.
On the one hand, there was a torrent of emotions about his son.
Pride and slight jealousy. His son had gotten laid a hell of a lot faster than him.
Relief that his son was inclined to the fairer sex (he had been wondering, what with living with Katsuragi and the Second).
These all made him want to do a very uncharacteristic thing- i.e., jump and cheer for his son.
Then there was Rei.
Fury. This was not in the scenario, and his son should not be sleeping with a clone that had even a tiny bit of his own mother's D.N.A.
Shame that Rei would... give herself so easily.
In the end, the Commander just stared at the screen blankly, with a dumbfounded expression on his face.
"This... was definitely not in the scenario."
Elsewhere, the rest of NERV was getting the news...
And not taking it with the best grace.
Misato Katsuragi just stared blankly at her fake blonde friend. "Uh... you're joking, right? Please say you're joking."
"I'm afraid not," Ritsuko replied calmly, though slightly pertubed herself. "This is directly from Rei's own mouth."
A few nonsensical words made an exodus from the Major's mouth as she gaped.
Kaji chuckled slightly. "I had my money on Asuka personally, but good on you Shinji. I'm glad someone's getting some."
Misato slapped him angrily, huffing and puffing. "I don't know whether to slap that boy or to hug him..." she murmured, rubbing her forehead.
Nearby, Aoba grinned as Makoto sadly handed him the last of his precious chocolate stash.
"I knew that Ikari would bag Ayanami." The bridge bunny grinned triumphantly.
"Damn it... I was so sure it would be Asuka." Makoto murmured bitterly, gazing longingly at the chocolate he previously owned. "My precious chocolate!"
And elsewhere, in the Evangelion hangar, the technicians could have sworn that Unit 01 let out a pleased growl, changing its normally maniacal smile to a proud one. And as if that wasn't enough, Unit 02 seemed to be put out somewhat, even letting out a slight huff.
It was enough to send most of them into asylums for the rest of their natural lives.
Shinji Ikari stumbled out of bed, feeling terrible, a nasty cold striking the mighty pilot down. His recent bout of constant sneezing was not helping, either.
As he aimlessly flipped channels, he briefly wondered if people were talking about him.
"Nah... why would they?" he shrugged nonchalantly. He glanced over at Pen-Pen. "Do you think people are talking about me?"
"Of course. Stupid question."
"No, you can't have the remote." Shinji might be Asuka and Misato's veritable servant, but he'd be damned if he'd take orders from a penguin.
He had his pride... albeit one the size of a flea.
It was then that he had the Feeling.
It wasn't an ordinary feeling... it was that special, sixth sense that told him one thing.
DOOM was upon him, manifest in a very, very angry Asuka Langely Sohryu.
Immediately, he scanned for a way out. Door? Too conventional. Window? Suicidal. Balcony? Same.
Hide in room, curl up into a fetal position and cry like a little girl? Tempting, but useless.
He looked at Pen-Pen, an idea forming in his mind.
In response, the penguin replied indignantly, "Wark!"
"Hey, its you or me!"
"Fine... see if I help you anytime!" Shinji replied indignantly, watching the penguin run for cover.
Closing his eyes, he awaited the storm.
And it came.
The door burst off its hinges, as if Asuka was projecting her own A.T. field. The Third Child cast her a look of utter fear, which was met with... betrayal?
It passed, and Shinji was knocked down by a particularly nasty slap.
"You... PERVERT!" And with that, she went off into a nasty tangent of German and Japanese curses, which promised him slow, torturous death by means never even dreamed by the Geneva Convention.
"What did I do!" Shinji asked angrily, holding his cheek. That was going to sting for the next week.
Asuka shot him a furious glare and stormed off into her room.
Sighing, the Third Child sank into the couch again, rubbing his aching cheek. "What's her proble-"
That sentence was interrupted by the arrival of an irate Major Katsuragi, who shot him a deadly glare. She opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a second voice.
"Wait to go Shinji! I didn't think you had it in you!" Kaji said proudly, slapping the pilot's back, nearly making the Third cough up a lung.
"Oh, you would say that!" Misato growled, and with that, was lost berating Kaji.
Seeing an opportunity, Shinji cast the older man an apologetic glance as he ran headlong from the apartment.
"HEY! GET BACK HERE SHINJI!"
"RUN SHINJI! RUN!"
Deciding that Kaji's advice was better, the pilot of Unit 01 ran, ran until he accidentally ran into someone else.
"Ouch..." Shinji muttered, but gasped when he saw who he run into. Rei rubbed her own head, staggering back to her feet. He offered her his hand, which the blue haired girl took wordlessly.
"Are you okay, Pilot Ikari?" Rei asked quietly.
"Yeah... what is with everyone today?" Shinji murmured indignantly. He smiled at the First Child. "At least you're not being weird today, Ayanami." He paused, and looked curiously at her. "Did something happen?"
"I was questioned by Hikari Horaki on your reasons for not attending school. When I told them I had not had intercourse-"
"Ayanami, I told you, don't call it that." Shinji said, blushing furiously.
The First nodded. "I told them we had not spoken as of late." She corrected.
"Ah... wait... did you say intercourse in class?" the pilot of Unit 01 asked, a silent groan in his voice. Please, please, please...
"I did." Rei paused, looking at him questioningly. "Was this not appropriate?"
"People might misunderstand what you mean, Ayanami." Shinji replied quietly, a light blush on his cheeks.
"People are strange." The pilot of Unit 00 commented.
"Yeah. They are."
AN: An odd little piece, to be death threats, etc. should be left in a review. I'm not to be held responsible for any mental damage this fic has caused.