or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses.
The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby).
Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.
"Only I have the brains…"
"The last monkey is in captivity. The galaxy is at peace…"
Andross, the giant primate-based brain, was sitting at his office (a giant room with glowing walls). He was sitting at his office because, being only a brain, and a giant one at that, he was incapable of going out to shop.
"Well, after those cruddy UN inspectors (1) shut down my evil army, I don't have much to do now, do I?" he said, angrily. Not completely sure how he could talk, only being a brain, he paused to ponder on that strange fact for a while. Then he resumed his work.
On the other side of civilisation, Mother Brain, the bio-mechanical… uh… brain, was sitting in her tank (2).
"No significant progress is being made in any area which concerns myself or my interests," she thought, confusing anyone who might still be reading. "I am experiencing a kind of frustration at the lack of change in situation. Perhaps this is boredom. Perhaps I'm just the author's subconscious pointing out that, like most romance stories, absolutely nothing has happened at all since the chapter title. But it's probably just boredom."
For a while, she wallowed there. Eventually, one of her space pirate cohorts came in.
"Greetings, Mother Brain," he said.
"You're not bowing low enough," said Mother Brain through the speaker system set up in her private chamber.
"But one radian has always been enough, oh revered brain in a jar."
"Times are desperate. Try pi radians." Gleaning a small amount of satisfaction from watching her minion try to bow that low, she spoke sharply, venting out her frustration.
"Fool! Surely a loyal troop can bow low enough if he tries!"
"I am loyal, oh great brain, I just -"
"Enough of your excuses! And why did you paint yourself gold?"
"The paint makes me harder to kill."
Mother Brain was completely bewildered by this. What kind of paint could cause someone to become tougher? "Where do you get this advanced paint from, underling?"
"A settled planet, I believe. 'Poison', or 'Denim', or something of the kind."
"Go there! Investigate. What kind of mind can create such an armour-enhancing paint? (3) I must commune with it."
"As you wish," said the space pirate.
Fox McCloud (4) and Samus Aran (5) were dining (6) together at a moonlit restaurant in Katina. Suddenly, after about half an hour of foreplay and romantic conversation each realised that they felt affections for each other.
"I feel affections for you," said Fox bluntly.
"Likewise," said Samus equally bluntly. (7)
"Now what?" said Fox.
"Of course," said Samus, thinking that Fox had proposed. Then they kissed.
Such a tender display of affection and lust, their bodies mingled, sharing in each other's warmth, until they realised, finally, that they could potentially do this forever as talking about people embracing and having 'fun' was all the writer could do comfortably which would explain why a giant sentence was then devoted to the shared heat, in both meanings of the word, which they experienced, holding on to each other.
"Ah!" screamed a nearby person, who had been set on fire by the evil Gigyas. But the two newly-inspired heroes paid the unfortunate guy no attention, preferring to show their love for each other, and can you see how boring this is becoming? No wonder some people hate formulaic romance stories like this and are compelled to write obvious parodies thereof – though I still think that such people are really brave, and witty, and handsome, and intelligent, and over-proud, and Samus and Fox kissed – no, they pashed (sounds better) furiously even as the sun prematurely set, this time due to a robot taking over the planet, and then they embraced again.
"What?" said Andross. "I have a visitor?"
"Yes," said his mystical monkey minion (I like saying that). "A visitor."
"Someone cares!" shouted Andross in joy. Realising that he still hadn't found the time to get a replacement face, he thought out loud: "I've got to make myself presentable. Quick! Get me my megalomaniac-sized top hat!" The monkey raced out of the room.
"Now why did I decide to hire monkeys?" he thought. "I should have tried them Cornerian dogs first. They take orders."
The mystical monkey minion hurried back in and put Andross' giant top hat on. "There," said Andross. "Now I look nice and charming, if I do say so myself." He chuckled.
The visitor, a space pirate entered. He looked at Andross, and said, and said, and said, and said, "Are you the creator of the magical gold paint?"
"Why, yes I am!" said Andross cheerily. He leaned in close. "Are you having problems?"
"I know it flashes white when you bump into things, I'm working on it!"
"I'm not here to-"
"Look, let's just keep this between us, okay?" Andross somehow winked, and whispered, "I'll buy you a holiday in Ripple Star, eh? And then you just don't tell anyone about the paint problem. Deal?"
"I'm not here about the paint!" the space pirate squeezed in edgewise.
"You're not?" said Andross. "Are you my confounded UN probation officer's replacement?"
"Let's make a deal, bub. I have a group of real friendly doves in the back, if you get my meaning. You stay quiet 'bout the secret army, and they're all yours."
The space pirate tried again. "I-"
"Oh! Don't like birds? I have monkey women!" Andross' voice became desperate. "Everybody loves monkey women!"
"I'M NOT YOUR PROBATION OFFICER!" screamed the space pirate.
"I'm not interested in your vacuum cleaners, then," sulked Andross.
"Mother Brain sent-"
"I don't care if your brain sent me an introductory offer – I have all the cleaning equipment I need!"
"No!" shouted the space pirate. "I'm not selling you anything!"
"So you're the comic relief?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what the Venom are you doing in my evil lair?"
"I represent the space pirates."
"Are space pirates evil?"
"Yes. Our leader-"
"Does your leader have an evil lair?"
"Is it as evil as my lair?"
"I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE!" screamed the space pirate. He collapsed to the ground, crying. "I'm so confused…"
"There, there," said Andross kindly. "Minions! Send in the back patters!"
A team of muscular porcine back-patters patted the space pirate's back as he sobbed.
"There, there," said Andross again. "So why are you here?"
"Our leader, Mother Brain, wanted to meet the creator of your amazing paint."
"Yes, it – she's called that 'cause she's a brain in a tank." (8)
"So I'm not the only floating brain in the galaxy?"
"Indeed," said the space pirate. "Mother Brain would like to meet you. Can you come to our op centre at Zebes?"
"Of course," said Andross, his heart pounding (had he a heart).
Back at Mother Brain's lair, Mother Brain waited impatiently.
"Woah!" said Jimmy the talking rooster.
Back at Mother Brain's lair, Mother Brain waited impatiently.
"Is that any way to greet a girl?" said Katt, the talking… uh… cat.
Back at Mother Brain's lair, Mother Brain welcomed her visitor… uh… Andross.
"Hello," said Andross.
"You invented the hi-tech paint?" said Mother Brain.
"That's me," said Andross proudly.
"All right. I'll just take the liberty of capturing you and dissecting you."
"But I love you!"
"Oh, then that's okay."
Samus and Fox were still kissing (48 hours straight!) when suddenly an emergency message arrived.
"Emergency!" said the emergency message. "Andross and Mother Brain are colluding!"
"What?" said Fox.
Samus smashed the message with a fist, making it whimper in pain. "We must stop them now!"
"Isn't it ironic," said Fox, "how it's us, a new team, against our arch-enemy, another new team?"
"I do," said Samus, thinking that they were at a wedding.
"Your ship or mine?" said Fox.
"For no reason, we take each other's," said Samus.
"Smart thinking," said Fox.
That night, in Mother Brain's queen-size tank, Andross and Mother Brain made out. (9)
"Ah…" sighed Mother Brain. "Everything is perfect right now. I feel high levels of pleasure."
"I haven't felt this good since I made Pigma give me…" Andross trailed off, moaning slightly.
"I feel that nothing could go wrong…" concluded Mother Brain. But this romance was not to be, sadly. This was because…
…Grandmother Brain raced across the galaxy to stop them…
…and, of course, because their greatest enemies, Samus Aran and Fox McCloud, were already docking at the Brain Hotel in south Tourian.
"Let's do this!" shouted Fox.
"Good thing we made it on time," said Samus.
"We'd have been quicker if we'd taken our own ships."
"Oh, really?" said Samus. "It's not my fault that your onboard robot insisted on cramming those caramel pieces into my mouth!"
"How can you stand driving an orange ship?"
Samus and Fox then embraced again, kissing passionately, as their common enemy (each other) had driven them together again.
Similarly, Mother Brain and Andross were also loving (in lieu of a better word). At that point, one of Andross' mystical monkey minions (I love saying that) came in.
"There's a problem!" he shouted.
"Let me guess," yawned Andross, irritated. "We're out of Chihuahuas again."
"Worse," said the minion. "There's a fox on board."
"As in that woman after employment? Tell her that her breath is ba-"
"No," said the minion. "As in Fox McCloud."
"Isn't he a cowboy or something?"
"NO!" screamed the minion. "STAR FOX! The guy who blew you up last year!" He collapsed to the ground, sobbing. "So confused… I think I'm going mad…"
"Star Fox?" exclaimed Andross and Mother Brain together.
"And some orange robot guy," added the minion.
"Orange robot guy?" exclaimed Andross and Mother Brain together.
Fox and Samus burst into the room where Andross and Mother Brain were.
"Aha!" exclaimed Fox.
"Aha!" exclaimed Samus.
"Oh, dear," said Andross.
"Oh, dear," said Mother Brain.
And so began the ultimate battle!
Samus shot Mother Brain in the head with a slingshot, killing the monolith.
"How anticlimactic," said Fox.
"Noo! Mother Brain! My only true love! Okay, one of my only true loves!" Andross fell to the ground and wept.
"So they were just in love," said Samus in realisation. "They weren't going to use this coincidental Super Ray Beam to destroy civilisation…"
"And we would have done it if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dog!" wept Andross.
"NO! NOT THE DOG!" screamed Fox, and they all knelt and screamed in frustration at the irony of life.
Samus died of a cold in Fox's arms. Fox and Andross made amends and became great friends, eventually marrying once they realised how powerful a force happy ending conventions were.
Grandmother Brain was killed by a small spool of wool as she zoomed across the galaxy, but not before achieving her ultimate revenge – she destroyed all the cotton in the world!
Please read and review, and again – I'm open to suggestions!
1) United Nitwits
2) Yes, Mother Brain is female now. Look at her name, for goodness' sake! What kind of evil toaster is male, anyway? So say we all… so say we all. (I doubt you'd catch the reference.)
3) Obviously, the same intellect who makes villains always get a last quip in before dying, and who makes dying creatures turn red for no reason.
4) Poor thing… who calls an anthropomorphic fox 'Fox'?
5) Poor thing… who would call their girl 'Samus'? No wonder I decided on the following romance.
6) As in eating.
7) I just saved you ten minutes of slow, detailed description of their lovely dialogue. You'd better review out of gratefulness.
8) "Praise be the brain in a tank," he muttered under his breath, bowing and clasping his hands, before ritually ripping out his arms.
9) I don't want to disturb you; I'll leave that to your imagination.
The character Andross originates from the Star Fox games. In Star Fox 64, he appears to be a giant head, but turns out to be a giant brain!
The character Mother Brain originates from the Metroid games. Mother Brain commands the Space Pirates, a band of insectlike aliens dedicated to taking over the galaxy and somersaulting over each other.
Please review. I have no life. Please?