Kingdom Hearts:

The Heart of All Parodies

Summary: This is a complete parody of Kingdom Hearts. The main difference you will find here is that an original character, not Sora, is the protagonist of this story. This boy, Sioris, has been thrown into a world that shall bring true his deepest fantasies. And no, this isn't a pornographic parody like the ones you see on HBO at night. . . ...not that I would know anything about that... (P.S. this is also a slight parody of What Dreams May Come if you haven't seen it, you should.) This is my first fanfic, no flaming please. Oh, but feel free to flame the living hell outa me for some political or religious joke you find offensive. I should at least give you that freedom.

Disclaimer: At the heart of all parodies lies one truth. A truth that could destroy that parody and remove it from existence. And that is-

Ansem: Darkness!

Ummm, no. What I was going to say was: At the heart of all parodies lies one truth which if exploited can end its life as well as seriously screw up the author. And that is...Major copyright infringement! Therefore, I have come up with a solution to save my ass. This disclaimer stating that I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Disney or any of its affiliated characters, or Final Fantasy and any of its characters; and they are used without permission. I also do not own the song Simple and Clean by Utada Hikaru. That is also used without permission. On a side note: I do this not for personal gain. Hey, if I did own any of the aforementioned parties, franchises, ect. Do you really think I would be wasting my time writing insane, random, insignificant-?

Sora: And half-assed! Don't forget half-assed!Sora disappears in a puff of smoke.

Aerith: We knew him well.

Leon: That's what happens when you insult the author.

That's right. You'd better remember that!

Leon: Yes sir... short, don't sue suits!

Chapter One: Awakening

"Wake the fuck up!" Screamed Siors' father. "Its time for fucking school!"

"Hey! I'm up! I'm up!" Said the violet eyed boy of 16, rubbing his eyes.

Sioris got up reluctantly. He was tall and lanky. His hair dyed a dark violet color to match his eyes. "What time is it?"

"9:15. you're late, you little shit sucker!"

"Oh, fuck!" Said Sioris, dashing to his closet faster than Dick Chaney to the buffet table at Bush's inauguration party.

Later that day.

Sioris had reached the school campus at 9:45, wearing baggy red shorts, a read zip up shirt, a black jacket with white sleeves, and enough chains to start the next slave trade. Not his usual dress, however, he was in a hurry to get ready in time for school, but he was still late. He would've gotten there sooner, however, he had decided to take the shortcut past city hall where he ran into a mob of Gay Rights Activists who were about to be blasted into the next Great Depression by riot control guys armed with fire hoses. Having dyed his hair violet the night before ('cause let's face it, he's a freak) as well as the ridiculous outfit he was wearing, he was mistaken for one of the Gay Rights Activists and was hammered by 3,000 gallons of liquid pain.

"S-sorry I'm late..." Said Sioris walking into Trig class soaking wet and with a shattered pancreas.

"Well mister-" Suddenly a truck with a really loud (and convenient) horn passed by dangerously close to the school. "...Its so nice of you to join us. Mind telling us why you are tardy?"

"" Sioris fell to the floor after delivering his incoherent explanation. He was uncurious, obviously. And as his peers were poking at his unconscious body, he was gently floating up to a place between life and death. There he began talking to himself like a ninny.

"I've been having weird thoughts do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? And why doesn't Square-Enix sue the pants off of all these fan fiction writers? And what's up with Mormons? They believe in a religion that's based off of some guy who stuck his face in a hat and pulled bullshit out of his ass!"

Once within this world of eternal darkness-

Ansem: Did someone say darkness?

Ansem, go away!

Ahem, as I was saying: Once within this world of eternal darkness, one can only find peace tranquility and- Japanese pop music?

You're giving me too many things

"You talkin' to me, lady?" Asked Sioris in bewilderment.

Lately you're all I need

"I'm WHAT?"

You smiled at me and said,

"When was thi-What the fuck?" Was all Sioris could say as he looked about his new surroundings that had inexplicably materialized before him: A beautiful, white, sandy beach. "Wow, if this is death then I think I'm gonna like it here. Hey, where's all the beautiful beach babes?"

Don't get me wrong love you

But does that mean I have to meet your father?

"And can someone please turn that off- Holy mother of god!" Sioris looked at the ocean in terror as the shoreline began to rapidly recede. But then, something else caught his eye.

"Melvin?" Exclaimed Sioris at the sight of his white haired, freckle-faced, buck-toothed, bug-eyed-

"Hey! Don't make fun of my buddy!"

Oh, sorry. Anyway, Melvin was standing out in the middle of the ocean as the water level began to rise.

"Help me, I can't swim!" Melvin pleaded, the water level rising to his dorky looking red bow tie.

"Then how in the hell did you get out there in the first place?"

"I don't know, just help me!"

"Oh, Jesus." Sioris said, jumping into the water to rescue his friend.

When we are older you will understand

The waves had soon converged on both Sioris and Melvin, and both where now underwater, struggling against the current. Well, Sioris was, Melvin was flailing around like a fish out of water...erm...or like a cow underwater.

"Actually, cows are adept swimmers."

Shut up, Melvin, nobody asked you. And you're supposed to be drowning!

Sioris had lost sight of Melvin as soon as the waves came down, but he had not given up.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" He sang in his head, trying to keep his spirits up and his body moving.

What I meant when I said "No,

I don't think life is quite that simple"

But all hope was then lost as the current began to strengthen and Sioris was blasted back to shore.

When you walk away

You don't hear me say please

Oh baby don't go

Sioris bobbed to the surface choking on salt water. Across the ocean, by the shore, Siors' eyes happened to come upon a hooker walking along the beach.

"Hey, Jenna!" Sioris called, running over to the hooker who was about his age and height, but with a stronger (but not buff, still feminine) build.

"Where are we? AND I'M NOT A HOOKER!"

"I don't know. But I think Melvin died."

Simple and Clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight

It's hard to let it go

"Oh, don't worry about that. This is all a dream so that Melvin is just a figment of you're imagination. And so am I!"

"Oh really...Come to think of it I'm feeling kind of...Hey, is that me in the air?"

Hold me

Whatever lies beyond this morning

Is a little later on

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all

Nothing's like before

Indeed it was Sioris falling down head first towards the water. But this did not make sense to Sioris' tiny brain. Thus he 'sploded out of confusion. Luckily, there are two Siorses in this dream so the story continues.

"I hate heights!"

Don't worry; you'll hit the ground soon. Have a nice trip!


Hold me

Whatever lies beyond this morning

Is a little later on

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all

Nothing's like before

"Holy shit!" Sioris screamed as he hit the ground harder than the stock market last week.

"OOoooo! Pretty birdies!" Splat! One of the doves flying out of the ground took a shit on Sioris' shoulder. "Shit!"

Sioris then notices the platform that he is on, depicting Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

"Note to self: Never play Kingdom Hearts the night before you die." Said Sioris, suddenly recognizing the view.

Oh, do shut up. You're not dead.

"WTF? A disembodied voice?"


So, what did you think? Kind of a cliffhanger there huh? Next chapter: Sioris learns how to fight and takes down a Darkside...well sort of. Please Read and Review or else I'm not updating. I wanna know if you guys like it okay?