Disclaimer: What do I own, you ask? I'll tell you when I get something that's actually mine.
This is my first FF7 fic in awhile. My most recent fic is in FFX-2 and all they're into is romance and stuff like that, not too much humor. So pardon me if the humor in here is a little stale. Also pardon the corny chapter title... like I said, stale humor. Enjoy!
Chapter 1- Cid-iana Jones
"But Red, how can you, a successful envied taking lion, and I, a lonely and easily seduced widow, live together in peace?"
"Dearest Tifa, do not worry! Cloud's untimely death has riddled us all with sorrow, but we shall find a way to live together somehow."
"Oh Red, I love you so much." They kissed warmly. "Oh Red... Oh Red... Red..."
"...Red... Red! Wake up!"
"Hm? Argh!" Red XIII jumped backwards abruptly, skidding along the floor.
"What are you doing exactly?"
"Yuffie, I, um, I was uh, well you see-"
"Don't bother... you having more of those Tifa dreams?"
Red lowered his head in shame. He nodded it subtly.
"Well you've gotta stop sleepwalking and slobbering all over me in your sleep, okay? It's getting annoying."
"Oh..." Yuffie got out of bed and sat on the floor of her room cross-legged. "Come here." She patted her lap. "Oof! Oh boy, you're getting heavy." She scratched him behind the ear softly. "Don't worry about it, okay? How old are you again?"
"No, your other age."
"Oh, in Cosmo years in 14."
"You poor little baby, you're still just a perverted little teenager."
"Well don't worry about it, it's normal for all little boys your age."
"Little boy? Yuffie, I'm more than twice your age."
"Cosmo, Red, Cosmo years. Get with the plan. Anyway let's go get some breakfast, okay? Go wait downstairs until I get dressed."
It was a nice warm afternoon in Cosmo Canyon. The Bugenhagen Observatory was packed full of cheery people. A year or two after the meteor/Sephiroth incident, scientists began to flock to the great Bugenhagen's former home; before he died, he said that he wished the observatory could be used to help the world learn more about outerspace. Soon it was like a university; it was full of the young students, old teachers and, the best part of college, co-ed dorm rooms. The cafeteria was just as packed. When Red went down and get his food, he sat at the normal table with some of his friends from the observatory.
"Morning, guys," he said through a yawn (which really sounded like more of a growl) before he sat down.
"So uh... how's that friend of yours doing here?"
"Yuffie? Oh, she's just fine. I think she's still taking time to adjust, though."
"Is she seeing that Aaron guy?"
"I don't think so... they spend a lot of time together but that's why she came here in the first place, so she could study under him. He used to be a pretty good ninja, you know."
"So is she seeing anyone?"
"I don't know... why are you guys asking these questions?"
Erik, the young dark-haired man sitting next to Red, snorted. "You mean you've never even thought about it?"
Canto, an older student sitting across from Red, quiried, "you traveled the world with her but you never even once thought about... her?"
"What do you... oh, you mean that? Well, kind of, but..."
"But..." repeated Jacob, the understudy sitting next to Canto.
"But we're two completely different species! Geez, you weirdos..."
"Hey, guys!" The three boys turned around to see Yuffie, dressed in her normal average attire that she was so fond of. "Can I sit down?"
"Sit next to me!" they all said in unison, scooting to make three spots on the bench. "Um... I'll sit next to Red."
When she sat down with her food, she hit him softly on the shoulder. "Check this out... I got a letter from Cid."
"Really? What's it say?" She handed him the paper.
Dear ninja chick bimbo,
How are you doing? Big rack lady and spiky head guy told me that you moved out and came to study under that famous ninja guy at the Observatory. How's that working out? Anyway my wife and I decided to go to that jungle over by Cosmo Canyon soon to have an exploring vacation.. Why don't you and the freaky lion kid come meet us there? It'll only be a week, we're going there next Tuesday. The Mrs. has been wanting to see you guys for some reason and she keeps talking about it and won't SHUT THE #$& UP ABOUT IT AND SHE JUST KEEPS #$& GOING ON AND ON AND ON AND I JUST WANT TO #$& HER #$& WITH A #$& AND #$ $$$ $$$ & #$& #$& HANDLEBARS!
"It would've been better if he had taken the time to learn our names..."
"Don't worry about it," Yuffie waved."So, you think we should go?"
"I don't know. I still have a lot of studying to do here. I'm taking some classes, you know."
"Hmm... well I want to go, but I don't want to go by myself... Cid smells like that odd combination of old people, hopelessness, and sweaty feet."
"I'll go with you!" the three boys again shouted in unison.
"Thanks again, guys, but I'd rather go with Red."
"Hmm... well, okay. I guess I can take a week off school."
"You lucky dog," Canto said.
"Actually I find that offensive."
"Why? Oh, the dog thing. Sorry about that."
"So, would you and me be the only ones out of the old gang going?"
"He didn't mention anyone else... besides, as far as I know, everyone else is like in different parts of the world, right?"
"Yeah, you're right."
"Why, you miss 'em?"
"Sort of... I wonder how their doing now? We're all famous, so they're probably all rich and successful now.
"Oh, come on, please take a ticket? Fine, walk away! How about you sir? Fancy a ticket to the fabulous one man show performed by the incredible Cait Sith? No? Okay, how about you, young lady? It's free. You know what, it's better than free. It's negative 15 Gil. I'll actually pay you 15 Gil to come to my show! Please? Someone? Anyone? Oh... come on, Mog, let's take a break."
Cait Sith and Mog sat down in a corner, watching the roller coaster. "You know, Mog, I don't like this at all too much. You know, I really enjoyed it when Shinra sent us over here, to Gold Saucer. I could pretend to be an entertainer well enough, I thought I could do the real thing! But, I guess... that's just not how it works. Don't you yearn for the old things when the old gang and us would go and rip up all those bad guys?"
Mog nodded in affirmation. Cait Sith stood up. "You know what? Screw this, I'm gonna get a real job! You know I've always wanted to be a chyropractor?
Mog jumped back in fear. "Oh, be quiet, plush guts, you don't even have a spine." Cait Sith put on a pensive expression. "You know what? I think I'll go to Gainsborough City!"
Gainsborough City was the successor to Midgar. Named after the well-missed Aeris, it was built on the beach near Midgar and served as a port city to the region, distributing goods to the area which otherwise had little inports, with all the towns being built in-land.
"Let's go to Gainsborough City, Mog! It's a growing city... there are lots of oppurtunities there!"
Mog moved his arms around, speaking in the weird sign language that only Cait Sith could understand.
"What? But... we're best pals, Mog! And poor! What could possibly make you want to stay here? What? Who? Who's this girl? Kathy from the midway games... the balloon popping booth girl? I can't believe you two are serious... well, I'm leaving. I know, I know, but I can't stay here. I need to experience new oppurtunites. Well, I'm not giving in either. So... I guess this is good-bye. Why not? Of course I'm leaving right now. The sooner the better, as soon as I pack my stuff. You're right, I have no stuff. Guess I'm packed, then. Well, I'll be going. Take care. Hope you have a good life with Kathy. I'll write you, OK? Bye."
5 minutes later, Cait Sith was riding down to the mountain in the trolley. The guy sitting across from him recognized him immediately. "Dude, I know you, you're Cait Sith, right?"
"Yeah, that's me."
"Cool, I've seen you on TV. So, where's your butt, dude?"
Cait Sith's eyes began to water. "My butt thought that a girl was more important than me."
"Ah, that's too bad, dude. If my butt ever did that to me, I'd be crushed. I'm glad I'm not you, dude."
"He was like a son to me... the son I never had. I created him, brought him to life..."
"You know, I like my butt too, but what you have seems a bit unhealthy too me. You should go to BLA."
"Butt lovers anonymous. It's in Gainsborough City, though."
"Oh... how ironic..."
What do you think? Please review. I don't care how many hits I get; I will only make this story a priority if I get reviews. They can be good or bad, I don't care, as long as it shows me that people are interested in my story. I'm not going to make a set number of reviews, but the more I get the more I will work on the story and add in special features (for example, for every 15 reviews I get, I add a bonus chapter, which is, to put in "Final Fantasy terms", my Limit Break, when I unleash my humor powers with a special episode like how Aeris is fitting into Heaven and stuff like that, and if you've read some of my older stories like E! True Hollywood Final Fantasy and The End Again and Again and Again you'd know the kind of humor I'm capable of... heh heh). Well, anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review!