Chapter 1, A.K.A. Who let the Mary-Sue in?
It was a beautiful day in South Park. Birds were singing, leaves were changing colors, and countless couples were "knocking boots," for it was Valentines Day. Why, even South Park High was caught in the turmoil that is love.
But alas, not everyone was enjoying the WONDERFUL love. For you see, even though Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, Pip, Craig, Tweek, and possibly Butters, were the best looking boys at South Park High, for some reason, they could not find dates. If only someone beautiful, smart, rich, with an extremely idiotic name would enter their dull, unfulfilled lives!
You'll never guess what's coming
It is now customary to inform you, the reader, how drop-dead gorgeous the boys are. Stan is now an extremely muscular football player, and every female (and several males) are lusting over him, and his hot, sexy body.
It is customary to use the word "sexy" as many times as possible. The authoress does not have a very large vocabulary
Kyle now has shiny, flat hair, and is extremely sexy, in a nerdy, I'm-smarter-than-you way. He is obsessed over studying and very calm, but we all know he's deeply traumatized because of his over-protective mother and spoiled sibling. We all want to hug him.
Kenny is, of course, a bisexual man-whore sex-God who has slept with the entire population of South Park, every tourist who's ever entered the area, and several animals. But we forgive him, because he's poor and cute.
The next paragraphs would discuss the adorable, cute, hot-ness of the other boys, but the authoress is lazy and is getting bored with writing descriptions
All of the boys are in class together, even though it's more than likely, since this is high-school, and Kyle is a genius, they wouldn't have the same class. But we'll just ignore that. Mr. Garrison is teaching, even though that's even more unlikely, but we'll ignore that, too. And…surprise! He makes an announcement.
The readers are on the edge of their chair, scrolling the mouse down madly. Oh, who could it be? They must know!
"Children," Mr. Garrison says, "We have a new student today! Her name is…Jewel-Alexa-Mimi-Sandrica-Lina-Bobo-Sasha Casil-Garrison-Slave-Marsh-Broflovski-Cartman-McKormick-Tweak-Smith. The Third. No relation to any of us, otherwise she would be arrested for incest, and we can't have that!" He motioned to a girl outside. "Come on in…uh…"
"Call me Sasha." The girl stepped in, and the class was shocked at her beauty!
The reader is appalled at the lack of plot. They quietly try to leave, but find the doors locked. They have no choice but to continue reading about the obvious Mary-Sue
Sasha has GORGEOUS hair, that is perfectly (inserrt sexiest type of hair), and it's the perfect shade of (insert sexiest hair color). Her eyes are like some type of jewel, and she is the perfect height. Her weight is that of a super model, but she isn't anorexic, because she doesn't believe in starving herself, she was just born skinny. She's also wearing designer labels that show off her slim figure and perfect face.
Readers are quietly vomiting in the corner
She smiled, showing off sparkling white teeth. The class sighed dreamily in unison. She walked to an empty chair, conveniently placed in the center of the class. Now everyone can admire her beauty!
Even though she had only been there less than five minutes, she had successfully converted gay guys straight, straight girls gay, and straight guys into worshippers of her…amazingness.
The authoress is running out of synonyms for "beauty"
"Even though the school is small, you'll probably need someone to show you around," Mr. Garrison told Sasha. "So I would like Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny to be your escorts."
The foursome smiled dreamily, and hearts were in their eyes. This was the best Valentines Day ever!
Class passed by extremely fast, and soon it was lunch time. The boys politely invited Sasha to sit with them, and she agreed, in a totally platonic way. No one in the cafeteria would eat, for fear of missing her do something cute and adorable. But her attention was focused on the boys. She could see they were trying to ask her something, because she was also psychic and able to read people's thoughts easily.
Here it is. The inevitable romance
"Oh Sasha, you're so perfect! Would you be my Valentine date?" Stan asked, his big blue eyes wide with hopefulness. Before she could answer, Cartman spoke up.
"No! You must be my date! Your kindness has caused me to see the error of my ways! I want to be a good person from now on!" Kenny grabbed her hand and started to speak.
"Even though we've just met, I think I love you. No, I know it! I'm a changed man because of you! I will never go to orgies or give random guys blow-jobs ever again! Marry me!"
Kyle elbowed him out of the way and began his speech. "Please come with me, Sasha! We're perfect for each other! You're smart and sexy, I'm smart and sexy! C'mon!"
Even though they had been friends most of their lives, the boys suddenly started arguing amongst each other. After all, Sasha was much more important than a life-long friendship! Do I need to explain the hair again?
The major OOC-ness has caused many readers to loose consciousness
Since Sasha was so against violence, she quickly thought of a plan. And what a plan it was! Isn't she great?
"You guys," she spoke softly, but in a commanding sort of way, "This is ridiculous. Allow me to explain why."
Several boring paragraphs later…
"…And that's why penguins can't fly!" The entire cafeteria stood up and applauded her brilliance, and she blushed, for she was very modest.
What? Didn't I say that?
The boys had stopped their fighting, and they hugged each other, glad that the argument was over. It was totally platonic, because in this chapter, they are not gay. Slash is for later, sillies.
So Sasha, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and several of the other boys that were not mentioned in the fic at all decided to get "group married" because they all loved her and she couldn't pick one. And it was suddenly legal for sixteen-year-old American's to get married, because she's JUST SO CUTE. They had sixty-nine children (HAHAHA), and she still kept that figure. Damn.
What do you guys think? Should I continue? If so, please tell me. Oh, and if you have any clichés, please tell me those. I can use them for later chapters. Don't forget to review! Thanks!