Pointless Noise: Greetings my loves. Your reviews have been so inspiring; really, I had no idea that many of you sick perverts were out there. Thanks for giving me a reason to lock my door at night.
'Kay, so, I've been seeing a lot of "IKE HAS SEX WITH HIS BROTHER BUT HE'S ADOPTED SO IT'S OKAY" stories popping up, so I thought I'd parody that. Oh, and "hor" is intentional spelling. Really, I'm not that stupid.
AND NOW FOR THE BRAIN DAMAGE
Ch. 10 A.K.A. Ike has sex with his brother but he's adopted so it's okay but still kind of creepy
Young Ike Broflovski awoke with a start. He really needed some of that sweet white stuff—
NOT THAT YOU PERVERTS
--milk. He needs milk because if he didn't need milk, then there will be no reason for him to get up and wander around the house at three in the morning.
As he tiptoed through the hallway, he passed his brother's room and heard some…noises.
Readers scream for Ike to go back to bed, because they read in the summary that this was a slash fic and that Ike was a major character, and they are now slowly beginning to realize that the Authoress does not care about statutory rape laws
He peeked through the cracked door, and noticed that the bed was shaking. He looked further in, and saw—
LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA
--Kyle and Stan making sweet, sweet love. Not the married kind, the hot kind with no condoms.
THIS IS SO WRONG. SO. WRONG.
"OMG YESS LIK UR HAWT LOLOLOLOL" Kyle cried in chat-speak, as he clutched Stan's hair.
I know that's how I always talk whenever I'm having underage sex
"SHUT UP HOR"
Ike guffawed (View my spectacular use of alliteration) as he witnessed the teenage baby-making. Then, slowly but surely, he began to realize something.
Readers begin to load their assault rifles
Kyle and Stan were, well, they were kind of…dare he say it?
HE BEST DARE NOT
They were kind of…hot. So hot, in fact, that HE wanted in on the sex. He decided he'd work out this problem in the morning, and with that TOTALLY BRILLIANT mental note, he skee-daddled back to bed.
What, no milk?
--CUT TO THE MORNING OF AWKWARD CONFRONTATION—
As Ike sat with Kyle watching Saturday morning cartoons, a tradition since they were little, he decided to address the issue. He took a deep breath and began.
"Kyle…last night I saw you and Stan doing the Freak McNasty AND I WANT IN DAMMIT. Figuratively AND literally.
Sexual innuendo makes me smile
"YOU CANNOT DO THE FREAK MCNASTY WITH ME AND STAN YOU FILTHY HOR."
"…I'll bring lube." Kyle pondered this for a moment.
Readers decide that they will NEVER EVER adopt Canadian children
Ike cheered. "Yay!"
---CUT TO THE SCHOOL VIA THE USE OF ABSOLUTELY NO SEGWAY WHATSOEVER---
Kyle, having been convinced by Ike's AMAZING USE OF ALLITERATION, now must confront his HOMOSEXUAL LOVER. And he knew, like all of us know, that the only way to convince Stan of anything is to use the promise of sexual relations.
"Stan, if you ever want your RIPPLING MUSCLES to ever touch my FLAWLESS SKIN or LUCIOUS CURLS ever again, you must promise to do the Freak McNasty with me and my brother plzkthnx."
Stan growled. "BUT THAT'S INCEST AND IT'S WRONG AND YOU'RE A STUPID STUPID HOR."
"BUT HE'S BRINGING LUBE AND I HAVE A SUSPICION IT'S FLAVORED."
Stan blinked. "Okay."
Readers are now violently ill, mentally scarred, and strangely aroused
We would now be graced with the presence of Stan's mental anguish for several paragraphs. However, the Authoress has no attention span and really wants her dog to stop BARKING IN HER GODDAMN EAR, so we'll just cut to the graphic!sex scene.
The promised night had arrived. Ike began to prepare himself. He pulled out a list of planned sexual…things…to achieve
What? Don't YOU carry one around?
on this fateful night. Lube? Check. Football helmet? Check. Cattle prod? Check. IT'S GO TIME.
He walked into his brother's room, trying to keep up his casual persona, but inside he was a nervous wreck.
REALLY? WHY? All he's doing is COMMITTING A FEDERAL OFFESE, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
Kyle beckoned him to the bed as Stan began removing his shirt. Ike gulped.
Right, so, this is the part where we realize that the Authoress has never had Biology and therefore cannot fathom the human anatomical structure
THINGS BEGAN BEING INSERTED. Oh, the insertion. There were noises and weird faces and arms were every. Really, you couldn't tell who was who. Soon they were making so much noise that neighbors heard it. Not the parents, though, because that would make too much sense.
COP-OUT ENDING: So they all realize that orgies are fun and have one every Friday night, but sadly, one night the parents find out and call the police and Stan and Kyle get arrested. Or something. Stan has to share a cell with a guy named Bobo. Ike begins a successful car dealership and has 30 kids who are all AIDs positive BECAUSE THEIR FATHER COMMITTED A FEDERAL OFFENSE and that's what happens to children whose fathers COMMIT FEDERAL OFFENSES. Stan is arrested again for trafficking minors across state lines for sexual purposes, and Kyle never has sex again.
So what did you think? Please review and tell me! I'M SO GOSH-DARN CLOSE TO 200 REVIEWS I CAN SMELL IT. Well, not smell it, but you get the idea.
Also, I'm running out of ideas for chapters, so please tell me what you want to see! I want this thing to continue!