Honestly, does it look like the Writer owns Neon Genesis Evangelion? Please. I ain't got a pot to pee in, much less the ownership of one of the greatest anime ever to air on Cartoon Network, however censored (I just bought the box set. The truth is inside!). So no. I don't own it. Honestly. Get a life, baby. Yea-a-a-a-h! I also don't own Jesus, The Demented Cartoon Movie (Bless You, Mr. Beekveld), or OG (Opera Ghost). There's a good reason for that.
Fooby. I'm back, after a very, super-hyper-incredi-tively long absence (which was completely undeserved), and maybe, just maybe, I'll do more work on this. Yeah. Right. Ah-hah.
This was actually ready two weeks ago, but due to a problem with disks, got screwed up until I figured out how to run all the wireless crap.
NERV Psychiatric Ward
Oh My God!
Darth Vader stared out from over his hands, entwined in front of his face. He could feel the power emanating from this one, oh yes. This was the ultimate janitor, the Opera Ghost. He gazed at the white mask covering the left half of his newest employee's face, admiring the menacing, slightly demented smile. This was a real, real pro, someone on par with his own abilities, yet one who did not mind getting his hands dirty.
"Pardon me, sir Vader, but might I inquire as to where you came by that cloak? My current on is, alas, beginning to show some fatigue, and I can see that yours is very high-grade."
Oh, very good, very good indeed! The Dark Lord of the Sith thought. The Phantom knew how to flatter. This wasn't even near his best cape, the one he only took out on Fridays, but oh well.
"It's made by Romefeller Foundation's C & C division. You can get one for $299.99." the Dark Lord answered. "Now, MOVE YOUR AS-S-S-S AND GO DO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O ALL THAT LORD VADER ASKS OF YOU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!"
"Interesting." the Phantom remarked, readjusting his mask. "I don't think anyone's tried that with the electronic sound. And now, Lord Vader, I must depart, because, sadly, there is work to be done."
"I think you'll go far here, Mr. Phantom," Vader grinned. "Very far indeed."
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: HAVE A NICE DIVIDER
Rei Ayanami fired another burst of 20-mm high-explosive rounds over her shoulder, the barrels on her impossibly oversized gatling gun spinning wildly. On her other shoulder, she carried the deliriously happy Seras Victoria, who twitched slightly every time Rei's feet hit the floor. Yes, Rei Ayanami was running. Fast. Very, very fraggin' fast. Why, you ask? Well, it involves that-
The zombie-ish form of Pip Bernadette lumbered after her a few dozen meters down the corridor. It needed to act quickly, or it might lose Seras forever. While either scenario would mean fan service, the Pip Loses Seras Scenario was (A) hotter, and (B), funnier, so a random piano took that moment to make its entrance, at five hundred miles an hour, straight down, right where Pip Bernadette's head needed to be.
Rei turned around slowly, staring for a time at the still-humming mass of wood and wire. After several minutes, the corners of her mouth twitched upward, and, still smiling sweetly, she raised the Gatling gun up to the piano-wreck's level. Seras twitched one more time before Rei slowly pulled the trigger, holding it down for precisely one minute, sending exactly 4,200 rounds into the piano. A one-eyed, Camel-smoking, pony tailed, cowboy-hat-wearing cherub strumming a harp with the barrel of a revolver floated up out of the bullet-ridden piano, doing its thing.
Laughing maniacally, the blue-haired pilot ran down the hallway, carrying the unconscious vampire over her shoulder, heading for the nearest available couch.
Jesus nodded approvingly. "It's nice to see that she has her priorities straight."
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG
Shinji Ikari backed farther into his corner, curling into a ball, hoping that the Red Death wouldn't break anything bigger than his metatarsals, but betting on something more like his vertebrae. Asuka stood above him, wearing nothing but a towel featuring a drunken Pikachu with a flamethrower, and growling lustfully.
Jesus, can you hear me? I could really use that assist right now! HURRY U-
Suddenly Asuka was on the other side of the room, slumped up against the wall, unconscious. Shinji looked out from under his arms to see a pair of large black boots, just before finding himself sprawled all over the floor, an enormous pain in his head. Just before he blacked out, he had a vision of the Author standing over him, saying to a grinning Integral Hellsing "Damn, I needed that."
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: BA-DA-BOOM! … (cricket cricket) …
Jesus looked down on the boy from his Desert Island in the Middle of the Sky, grinning at Shinji's predicament. "Some people just don't know when to let themselves get laid."
"Even as violently as that?" Gabriel asked, peering over the Son of God's shoulder.
"Take it or leave it."
"Whatever you say, boss." The Archangel said, whistling the Pokemon theme as he strutted over to the other side of the Desert Island.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: STOP LAUGHING, GODDAMMIT!
Alucard stood at the top of the NERV pyramid, looking Bored. That's what he was, of course, Bored. That's commonplace for the king of vampires, particularly when one lives for battle, yet (A) doesn't have an equal and (B) can't get laid. He cleaned Jackal and Casul (someone tell the Writer how to spell that; he thinks its right but he can't remember), looking Bored. He shot things, looking Bored. He tried to get the Eva to arm-wrestle him, because he was Bored, but Unit-01 wasn't in the mood, so Alucard stood on top of the pyramid, being Bored.
"Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness stirs and wakes imagination. Silently the senses abandon their defenses… Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor. Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender…"
WTF? Alucard thought, to use one of his fledgling's favorite expressions. That was his favorite song, the one he used to use to get some before Queen came along. Who the hell was singing? The Vampire God turned around to find the source of the music, and was utterly delighted.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHA! MUAHAHAHA, MUAHA? (Translation: Buddy! Phantom! How ya doin', you old dog?)"
"Turn your face away from the garish light of day, and now let's go and grab a beer at Moe's! And let's belt out the Music of the Night!"
The Creatures of Darkness bounced off into the night, heading off to Moe's for a beer, and to reminisce about old times, when they both could still get some.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: FOR SOME REASON, THE OLLIN COULDN'T ATTAIN YOLTEOTL. IT JUST WASN'T THERE.
The Author stared out at the mass of skyscrapers and concrete before him. He and his Psycho Peoples Club of Doom were situated at the top of a hill, observing the target.
Motoko Ayoma stared in wonderment at the massive broadsword the Author carried in his right hand, feeling inadequate.
"And what are we going after?" She asked the Author, polishing Shisui.
"That." the Legolas clone answered, pointing at Gotham city. "Resident Evil just moved in, and Veronica took a vacation with Batman to Vatican City, so we got called in."
"We're taking on Resident Evil in the middle of GOTHAM FRAGGIN' CITY?" Kobayashi screamed. "ARE YOU INSANE? YOU WANNA KILL US ALL? I SWEAR, IF I GET KILLED AND MY INSURANCE PREMIUMS GO UP, YOU PAYIN' FOR-"
The Author whacked the irate hyperactive voice-actor-wannabe on the back of the head with the flat of the Gigantic Oversized Evil Sword of Doom, knocking her out and leaving a mark. "ANY OBJECTIONS? GOOD!"
Jesus nodded. "Very good. He takes control. Now, go clean up Gotham."
The Author's little army charged down the hill into Gotham, shooting/cutting/stabbing/kicking/screwing the random zombies all over the nasty city.
"WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?" Motoko yelled over the roar of dying zombies, efficiently removing the heads of three with one whack.
"WELL, FOR STARTERS, I'M BORED!" the Author yelled back, swinging Gigantic Oversized Evil Sword of Doom in a wide arc, leaving various undead without essential body parts, such as their upper halves. "ALSO, WE'RE GETTING PAID A VERY HEFTY S-oh shit."
Suddenly, all movement in Gotham stopped. Motoko looked around quickly, wondering what was going on, until her eyes made their way to the sky.
DO D-DO D-DO-O-O-O! "WHE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!"
Fooby the Kamikaze Watermelon had Made His Entrance.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE-E-E-E-E!"
The rocket-powered watermelon dove straight down towards Gotham, googley-eyeing in anticipation. Just a bit more…
And, as Mr. Random Person said, they all died. But then again, that's what NERV's clone tanks were for. Hey, at least the zombies were gone. Then again, Batman'd have to clean up all the watermelon crap covering the streets of Gotham.
Sucks to be him.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: YOU CAN BE MY YOKO ONO (WO WO WO) YOU CAN FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GO, YOU CAN BE MY (BE MY) BE MY YOKO ONO…
Shinji Ikari groaned, massaging his head. He was afraid of what he would find when he opened his eyes.
Fear is good.
Of course, being the curious type (as well as he hid it), Shinji did open his eyes. And, of course, he was on a train.
"Goddammit, not again."
Shinji looked out the window, wondering when something incomprehensible and mentally traumatizing was going to happen.
The IAMT (Incomprehensible and Mentally Traumatising) took that very moment to occur.
"OH MY GOD! A-A-A-A-A-A-A--A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH!"
It was, of course, Thomas the Tank Engine.
NERV PSYCH WARD: LIKE, YA-A-A-A-A…
Jesus grinned. "I love this job."
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA LA-LA-A LA. (LA) LA LA-LA-A LA. (LA)… (RECOGNIZE IT YET? THESE DIVIDERS TAKE WAY TOO LONG TO COME UP WITH. HINT: GA-A-A-A-A-Y…)
Alucard and the Phantom both threw back another pint of Fooby's Finest, laughing and singing.
"Fre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e her, he shays!" the Phantom slurred, giggling. "That wash sho utterly wonderful!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (That kid'sh hairdo wash wa-a-a-ay pasht da Point a' No Return.)" Alucard roared drunkenly, slapping the Phantom on the back. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (I tell ya, OG, dat wash perfect, da way you led al a' dose suckers on! I couldn'ta' done it better ma' shelf!)"
Jesus tapped his watch. "Three…Two…One…"
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: I SAW A FILM TODAY, OH BOY. THE ENGLISH ARMY HAD JUST WON THE WAR…
Gendo stared out past his prissy little white gloves, looking very pleased with himself. At last, his plans were coming to fruition!
For no apparent reason, Gendo started talking to thin air. "Status report, Mr. Data. I SUMMON THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA! SAILO-O-O-O-O-OR CRYSTA-A-A-A-AL POWER-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R! Goddammit, Scotty, I need warp drive NOW! STAR WARS! La Da Da STAR WARS! La Da Da Dee… SUGAR RUSH!"
For No Apparent Reason™, a random secretary-type person strolled in. "I he-e-ve ye-e-r sta-a-atus repert, ceme-e-e-ender." the random secretary person switched to an Ahnold-type voice. "Ya, the Jackass Excused from Stealing your Ugly Stick has been completed, and will be fully operational by 1800 hours, ya. We kick their scrawny little buts, oh ya-a-a-a-a-"
"One: Kill the accents. Two: For the last fraggin' time, you're supposed to call it the JESUS. Just use the acronym. It's funnier, and there are idiots out there who need things spelled out for them. Like The Writer."
"Now, get out of my office." Gendo yanked the random rope appearing next to his chair.
"Goddammit! I just got this stupid thing fixed! Why, dear God in heaven above, doesn't the pit ever work in my office? I PAYED FOR THIS ONE! YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD PAY FOR IT INSTEAD OF JUST REQUESITIONING IT, AND I DID, AND IT STILL DOESN'T WORK! WHY? SWEET RAHXEPHON, WHY?
God stared at the irate Commander for a second, and then shook his head. "Ikari, for the last time, you have to buy NEW Pits™. The only reason anybody would throw out a Pit™ or send it to a retail shop is because it's a piece of junk. You should have just requisitioned a new Pit™ if you didn't want to pay full price." God got off his throne and jumped down to office level. "Here, let me fix that." The Lord summoned his ACME Gigantic Ant/Cockroach-Stepper-Crusher-Killer and dropped it on Random Secretary Person, removing her from this time continuum.
"Thanks, God! You saved the day!"
"Certainly, Ms. Lane. I hope this hasn't put you off of flying-it's still statistically the safest way to travel." God extended his arms in front of him and flew off, red cape fluttering on the wind.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: (INSERT BAD JOKE HERE)
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" (Master! What the hell is this? It was just starting to get fun, and you screw it all up! Again! For the love of God, LAY OFF!)
"Enough of your shit, Alucard." Integra sighed, sticking her crucifix into the No-Life King's crotch. "You see that? ALUCARD! GODDAMMIT, LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING!" The Count didn't answer, of course, because he was writhing around on the ground, whimpering in pain.
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT I MISSED!"
"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Alucard said in a high-pitched, pained voice, tears streaming down the side of his face.
"You're not faking it, are you."
Integra slapped herself on the forehead, moaning.
Asuka (Who had been standing there, dressed in bright red battle armor, twirling around a sword the size of Alucard himself; of course, the reader didn't know, seeing as the Writer hadn't mentioned it yet.) screamed. Scream. Scream scream scream. Scre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e…
Anyway. M-hm. BACK TO WORK!
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! YOU DRAG ME OUT HERE, CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL, AND THEN YOU YOINK SOME HALF-ASSED VAMPIRE GOD OUT HERE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE!"
Alucard, still slightly bowl-legged, slowly turned to face Asuka, accompanied by a grinding noise, looking Not Pleased™. He whipped out a very large, very heavy sword with Monty Python's rabbit for a hilt and stuck it into the ground. He pointed his right index finger at Asuka, and slammed the fist of the same dexterous association into the palm of it's opposite.
The world ended right then and there.
NERV PSYCH WARD: DAMN! THIS IS A LONG ONE!
"Oh, Daddy, no!"
"Dammit!" God swore. "I just fixed that rock! Buddha! Get Alucard out of the way!"
"What about Asuka?" the aforementioned statue-deity called up from the Random Temple down the heavenly street.
"I'll have Raphael and Michael charge her from the front while Gabriel sneaks up from behind and clubs her over the head with a baby seal."
"A baby seal?"
"Anno Hideaki's sick sense of humor. They made her only weakness Raggedy Ann's and baby seals. A lot of people say they hate humans because they destroy their environment, but really, it's because Misato takes one of their number every day and clubs Asuka over the head."
"They sent him off to Jamaica for a while so the Writer could figure out how to spell his name."
"Damn that dictionary. He asked for an Oxford for Christmas, but never got it."
"I know how he feels. As God, I should be able to get one."
We at the Oxford Institute of Language have attempted to correct this problem by sending God the latest version of our complete dictionary, but, sadly, have been unable to get an address.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: SWEET JESUS. HOW LONG WILL THIS DAMN THING GO ON, ANYWAY?
Alucard charged Asuka.
Asuka charged Alucard.
And everybody died.
No, scratch that. Asutralia died. They're inconsequential, anyway.
The Writer holds absolutely no animosity towards Australia or any other of the inconsequential islands. He loves those inconsequential islands with all his heart (well, a bit of it, at least).
"AIE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!" Buddha came flying out of nowhere, slamming into Alucard's head. The Bunny Blade went flying and slammed into New Zealand, thus removing another inconsequential island from the map. Alucard and the flying statue careened off over the NERV pyramid, landing on another inconsequential island yet to be named.
"R-r-r-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH!" guess who screamed that? Asuka kept on charging, swinging the Evil Oversized Sword of Doom she stole from the Author's closet. Innocents died. She kept on going in straight line, killing innocents, until she hit the bottom of the Pyramid. She looked up.
"COME AND GET IT, BOYS!"
Michael and Raphael came charging down the pyramid, swinging bike chains and tire irons, their little wings fluttering cutely in the wind. Asuka, in turn, charged upward, red armor gleaming in the sunlight.
She brought the Evil Oversized Sword of Doom down onto Michael's tire iron, grinning madly. Raphael whipped his bike chain at the Red Devil, but she caught that in her other hand. She opened her mouth, and, for no apparent reason, a little tongue with teeth popped out, causing many copyright suits with the-
Gabriel stood over the unconscious redhead's body, twirling a similarly unconscious baby harp seal around his head.
"Dude!" grinned Raphael
"Dude." Gabriel smiled, patting the seal's head.
THE END. DU-U-U-DE! NOT.
Asuka crawled out from under the rubble, growling her demented little growl. She noted Alucard doing the same half a mile away, with the added bonus o hurling the Buddha statue back where it came from.
"Now, where were we?" the No-Life King growled, his black aura flaring outward and spawning random arms and legs and bangs in odd places.
"I believe I was about to KICK YOUR ASS!" the Red Devil screamed, hurling herself back at the Count.
Innocents died, man, died.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: DID THE 'THE END" PART MAKE YOU LAUGH? OH. DAMN.
Auriel looked down on the carnage.
Mizakiel took AFFIRMATIVE ACTION™. "Yo, boss!" he yelled up to God. "We got a situation over here!"
"Wha-OH MY SELF!"
"Sir?" Michael looked up from his book.
"That was bad."
"SHIT!" Jesus expleted, eyes widening. "THAT'S IT! I'M GOIN' IN! PETER! COVER FOR ME!"
"Righto, chief!" the apostle grinned. "I'm sittin' in the Lord's right hand, oh yeah! I'm sittin' in the Lord's right hand, oh yeah! I'm sitti-"
The left hand of said Lord came crashing down upon the occupant of its partner, making an angelic little splat.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: OOH, EEH, OOH AH AH, TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG, OOH, EEH…
Sachiel blew up another building, wondering when he was gonna die.
That was the whole point of this, wasn't it? To die in some stupid and anticlimactic way? That's what the Writer-
Eva Unit-04 landed squarely atop Sachiel, silvery armor still glowing from the jump down from the moon, effectively splatting the Angel.
Kaoru looked down, admiring his handiwork. "Exactly." he told the purple goo pile.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA.
Allegretto floated over the pyramid, wondering where the hell she was.
Yes, the Dolem was hopelessly lost. Damn that roadmap. She tried to angrily flutter her arm-wing type things and kick her feet in frustration, but, sadly, the purple behemoth was made entirely out of clay, and, thus, had no moving parts. Or legs, for that matter. She began to sing a frustrated-sounding song, seeing as that that was all she could do to vent (having, once again, no moving parts).
No. It couldn't possibly be…
There floated Evangelion Unit-01, decked out in a seventy-meter-high tuxedo, clenching the World's Largest Rose in it's considerably large-sharp teeth.
God, this was going to be fun.
Unit one glided over, taking her by the waist, and the two purple entities began a slow waltz, complete with Mozart and an Eva-sized string quartet. More innocents died. Again.
NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: MACKEY HAD DIS SIXTEEN-GAUGE SO HE…
Asuka and Alucard brought their swords together, Python Bunny clashing with Wicked Witch of the East. The two stared at each other, locked in combat , Loathing™ each other.
"Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Ha-le-e-lu-u-iah! Halle…"
The two looked up from their combat to see where the music was coming from, and were utterly astounded as the clouds parted…
A soft, golden light overcame everything, as a long staircase descended from heaven. Jesus stalked down aforementioned staircase, frowning like somebody had stolen his lucky fighter-jet underwear.
Alucard got down on one knee and placed his hands over the pommel of the Bunny Blade, in the classical knight's gesture of fealty. Asuka gaped.
Jesus stepped lightly off of the Golden Staircase, unsheathing his Fish as he went. Jesus had what was undoubtedly the coolest Fish around; it was at least three feet long, and had the general appearence of a salmon, but, again, was much cooler.
The Son of God stopped in front of the Red Devil first, spinning his Fish like a baton.
"THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT! 'THOU SHALT NOT MAKE INNOCENTS DIE, SCUM!'" The Son of God screeched, whacking Asuka reeatedly with the Fish.
WHACK. WHACK. WHACK. WHACK.
Asuka lay twitching on the ground.
"Now, Alucard," Jesus started "You know and I know that I can beat the snot out of you in a heartbeat; lucky for you, though, I'm not in the mood right now. So let's leave it at that, shall we?"
"Good. I'm glad we understand each-what's that sound?"
"Oh SHIT! RUN FOR IT!" Jesus screamed, grabbing Alucard by the hand and oulling him towards the Golden Staircase.
And lo, on the hilltop, stood Kozo Fyutsuki, holding Excalibur high over his head. Behind him, a massive army of irate schoolteachers and cheap Eva-ripoffs streamed over Kozo's hill, trampling the plains below. Just in time, Rei dropped outof the random helicopter and strapped Asuka to a rope, throwing Walter-in the cockpit-a thumb's up sign. The chopper lifted off just in time to avoid getting sucked in.
"Hurry up!" Jesus yelled over his shoulder running even faster up the Golden Staircase.
"MUAHAH-oh SHIT!" Alucard's speech impediment abruptly broke.
"It's RahXephon, only worse!" Walter screamed, abruptly pointing the chopper the other way.
Lo, for there, in the sky, flew a ginat white, humanoid shape, with wings and no feet, and a face like that of John Cleese, belting out an off-key rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner."
Gendo had turned on the JESUS.
THE END! Finally.